Hal 9000 said:
To move crawl discussion for this project into its own thread, here’s my current draft. Could stand some tweaking yet.
THE RISE OF SKYWALKER
Across the galaxy, the spark of hope lives on. To suffocate a growing uprising, the tyrannical First Order has silenced communication between neighboring systems.
Attempting to unite the disparate rebelling worlds, General Leia Organa dispatches her brave agents across the stars to fan the flame of Resistance.
Meanwhile, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren has traveled to Mustafar in search of a rumored Imperial fleet that would allow him to destroy any threat to his power…
Regarding the debate around overusing imagery of flames, it can be a bit cheesy, but it’s better to embrace the imagery than to half begin using it and flit. To move between different imagery in the same context is jarring and usually comes off more pretentious and forced.
Both this and another crawl I read are good, though I found both had bits the other lacked (mentions of Rey and Luke is missing here, while the other didn’t flow quite so nicely as this).
Also, being a bit pedantic, but “Attempting to unite the disparate rebelling worlds, General Leia Organa dispatches her brave agents across the stars to fan the flame of Resistance” reads well and has clear meaning to most, but it’s construction is confusing - from a technical perspective it raises 2 purposes - uniting the world and fanning flames of rebellion - in terms of construction it makes it seem like her agents are fanning flames of rebellion in the hope to unite the disparate worlds. (Pedantic I know, but it jars to read as a result). I’m sure the agents act as ambassadors and speak to world leaders, opening dialogue…etc, etc, not just stand on street corners preaching to rebellious folk in the hope all worlds then unite (I know it’s not implied, but it’s certainly possible given the sentence structure).
Anyhow, not really much change, but I tried a slight difference. Only issue is 91 words may be a fraction too long to fit with the constraints of a timely crawl.
"Resistance to the tyrannical First Order was all but extinguished, until Luke Skywalker’s valiant last stand sparked a new hope. To suppress growing dissent, the First Order has silenced communication between neighbouring systems.
General Leia Organa has dispatched agents across the galaxy to unite rebelling worlds and further fan the flames of resistance, whilst she continues Rey’s training in the ways of the force.
Meanwhile, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren has traveled to Mustafar in search of a rumoured Imperial fleet that would allow him to destroy any threat to his power…"
Don’t think I’m completely happy with it, but it’s late and it might be easier to let you all tear it to shreds instead 😁
On a side note, I really am not a literature pedant (usually), but am writing 2 books (no publications, just a wannabe), and my background writing is mostly scientific. Literature boffins may disagree with my interpretations wholeheartedly, but being far from video editing savvy I thought I might pitch in my two pence if I can help for this (my main bug bears with the film were plot contrivances rather than structure, and that is unlikely to be changed) I’ve been watching the thread very enthusiastically.