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Cabijista

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Join date
29-Apr-2013
Last activity
4-Dec-2021
Posts
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Post History

Post
#1452638
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [up to s01e05 upgraded to v2.0]
Time

I think maybe “such information” rather than “that information” in the last sentence too, just cause we don’t know exactly what Gunray knows at this point and “that” implies that he definitely has the information, where as “such” just maybe indicates that any possibility of information like that getting out is something that Dooku is going to take very seriously and put a stop to.

Post
#1452631
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [up to s01e05 upgraded to v2.0]
Time

Hi Eddie and Vranir

Really great suggestions there! Just a few final thoughts…

  • Having successfully protected Duchess Satine from Death Watch, Anakin and Obi-Wan now rejoin the clone fleet in their pursuit of General Grievous

Agreed that this works best as the sentence currently stands. However, I was thinking that Obi-Wans initial mission wasn’t to protect the duchess, but to investigate a possible link to separatists on Mandalore. He then encounters the terrorist bombing, finds death watches base of operations and finally stops them from an attempt to blow up mandalores equivalent of Air Force One and kidnap the duchess (paradoxically, since they were more than happy to shoot at her when she was on the moon). The point being, uncovering the identity of Death Watch and stopping both their attempts to harm the Duchess and to gain political footholds seems to be the real success of that mission for obi-wan. So I think a stronger alternative sentence would be…

  • Having thwarted the actions of the extremist group “Death Watch” in the Mandalore system, Anakin and Obi-Wan now rejoin the clone fleet in their pursuit of General Grievous.

Agreed that since Ryloth hasn’t been introduced yet it has to be identified as a planet, otherwise you could be watching this for the first time and think Ryloth was a person.
Also upon further reflection, not sure about the “jail” end of that sentence as it sort of supposes that republic law is universal. I think a better alternative would be:

  • The covetous NUTE GUNRAY has been caught sending military secrets from the planet Ryloth to his fellow Separatists, and is being escorted to Coruscant to await trial.

I also just noticed the near rhyme of “plans” and “hands” between the two last sentences and now I can’t unsee it 😂. I think adding a “so easily” at the end would fix that.

———

So now just for the sake of clarification the whole crawl would read:

  • Conflicts erupt in the early days of the Clone Wars.
  • Having thwarted the actions of the extremist group “Death Watch” in the Mandalore system, Anakin and Obi-Wan now rejoin the clone fleet in their pursuit of General Grievous.
  • Meanwhile, the Republic has learned that the assault plan against the Malevolence was leaked to Count Dooku, raising fears of a Separatist spy.

— new page —

  • The covetous NUTE GUNRAY has been caught sending military secrets from the planet Ryloth to his fellow Separatists, and is being escorted to Coruscant to await trial.
  • Master LUMINARA UNDULI has asked Ahsoka to help question Gunray, as they hope to uncover both Grievous’ location and Dooku’s plans.
  • But Dooku will not allow that information to fall into enemy hands so easily…
Post
#1452574
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [up to s01e05 upgraded to v2.0]
Time

Hi Eddie, love the thinking behind the crawl. Ties together many things very neatly. Some suggestions though…

  • Conflicts erupt in the early days of the Clone Wars.

(Changed the order of the next two sentences so the events of the last episode are mentioned first.)

  • Having successfully safeguarded Duchess Satine from Death Watch, Anakin and Obi-Wan now rejoin the main clone fleet in their pursuit of General Grievous

(“Successfully safeguarded” works better than “safely protected”, as safely protected implies that you could somehow be “unsafely” protected. I think the word “hunt” is a little too militaristic for the Jedi who are supposedly enlightened and keepers of the peace. So I changed it to “pursuit”. Added “General” Grievous as both Satine and Dooku got their respective titles added when they’re first mentioned in the crawl and it seemed odd to leave it out for him alone.)

  • Meanwhile, the Republic have learned that their assault plan against the Malevolence was leaked to Count Dooku, arising fears of a Separatist spy.

(Just some minor tweaks to possibly improve the clarity of the text)

— new page —

  • The covetous NUTE GUNRAY has been caught sending Ryloth’s military secrets to his fellow Separatists, and is being escorted to jail

(Jail not prison cause surely the republic would grant him a trial and not just convict a man without a court order. “Covetous”, I think is a slightly better word here than “greedy”)

  • Master LUMINARA UNDULI has asked Ahsoka to help question Gunray, as they hope to uncover both Grievous’ location, and Dooku’s plans.

(The original text “…learn the location of Grievous, and Dooku’s plans” reads like they want to learn the location of plans made by Grievous and Dooku, so I changed it to make it more clear

  • But Dooku will not allow that information to fall into enemy hands…

———

Post
#1452379
Topic
The Clone Wars: Refocused [up to s01e05 upgraded to v2.0]
Time

Hi Eddie,

I’ve now watched every episode you’ve done so far and I’m honestly just astounded by the level of work you have put into this. Whilst I was watching I had a fair few little ideas here and there for possible changes but I was too swept up in the excitement to jot anything down. I’m now going to rewatch all of the episodes again and make some notes, since you seem to welcome all feedback and ideas.

I just rewatched the 2.2 cut of Dark Force Rising and it’s truly amazing work. I have one suggestion for a cut though, and that’s… do we really need the anakin/padme reunion scene? It’s just the same horribly clenched “I love you so much but it’s forbidden” dialogue that made us all sick up when we saw ATOC for the first time and doesn’t add anything new to the characters or advance the plot. All it does do is serve to remind us of their love and connection but I think the shot towards the end where Anakin puts his hand through the hologram of Padme is a much more subtle - and less cringey - way of achieving the same thing. So we could cut directly from Yoda saying “A knight, he shall be” to the cool shot of the light streaming in from the open door to the darkened council chamber (or whatever that room is).

Just a thought : )

Post
#1251055
Topic
Revenge Of The Cut - Star Wars: Revenge Of The Sith (* unfinished project *)
Time

The Cutter said:

Are you still interested în this project ?

OMG Yes!! Never been more interested in a fan edit in my life!! And please re-upload your sample clips! I used to watch them religiously not now they’re all gone! 😦

Please Please give us a release, even a rough cut! Been thinking about this project for so many years!!

Post
#1006982
Topic
Enter the Dragon (a WIP)
Time

Ronster said:

Sorry, what happened?

did you miss a part?

I have tried to leave the parts up to stream for some time so you can see them…

you should use the subscribe feature on the thread.

I meant that it is split up into parts which is hardly an enjoyable way to experience any film. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate all your hard work and it looks great, but if it were a full film it may well have replaced my blu-ray as my go to version of the film, where as now that it is broken up into parts its becomes something of a curiosity that will be viewed but likely not with any longevity.

Post
#944300
Topic
Star Trek V (Released)
Time

I personally am very much in favour of cutting the climbing scene. Even if it does somewhat set up the Kirk facing death dynamic, him talking simply saying “I’ve always known I’ll die alone” (as the preceding dialogue about the fall will have to be cut) at the camp fire is a sufficient - and far less annoying - introduction to the idea.

The opening with Sybok however I think should stay. I’ve always loved that scene, just the way it’s shot, its atmosphere, and particularly how it ends with the reveal of a laughing vulcan - which for any seasoned trekker is a enough to raise an inquisitive eye brow or two and capture or attention.