CHRomer

Well, I’ve already read the script. I have to say that the basic plot is interesting, but as you said, it’s clear that it’s a first draft. I mainly notice that the whole episode is going too fast. It also feels short in duration.

As for the Jedi, I think you have to keep thinking about it. I’m not entirely convinced by the way you portray them.

I’m not entirely convinced by Obi-Wan either. I know you said he was going to be arrogant and all that, but I think he’s too arrogant. It seems like he thinks he’s superior to everyone else, even more so if they can’t use the Force. And as for his reasons for training Anakin, it’s basically because he can use the Force. I think he should decide at the end that he’ll be the one to train Anakin. Obviously believing he’s ready, when he’s not.

I’m not convinced by Anakin either. It feels like he wants to leave Tatooine at any cost and with anyone. It’s also unclear why he and his family left Alderaan, unless we learn that in another episode. I’m also not convinced by the final scene (the test with the lightsabers) at the Jedi temple on Coruscant. Overall, I think his initiation into the Force (even though he already has some control over how to use it) in this episode should be with Obi-Wan teaching him certain things and little more.

I know it all seems negative, but I repeat, the premise of the plot is interesting, but you need to think more about it and improve it.

Paul the apostle said:

CHRomer said:

Your ideas are quite interesting. I’ll take a look at the script and give you feedback once I’ve read it. As you said, this is a first draft, so if you don’t mind, I’ll give you some recommendations that I consider important:

• Describe the characters more physically. For example, in this episode, I don’t know what Obi-Wan looks like physically. I don’t know if he has short or long hair, if he has a beard, or even what he’s wearing.
  Basically, the idea is to describe them better, but you can also use references to describe them. For example, when introducing Anakin, instead of saying he has medium-length hair, you can say he has a hairstyle similar to Luke’s in Episode V. Or, for example, with clothing, when you introduce Obi-Wan, say that Obi-Wan is dressed in a Jedi uniform like Luke’s in Episode VI, but instead of being black, it’s brown.

• Indicate the age of the important characters. Here the idea is very similar to the previous one. I don’t know how old the characters are in this episode. I don’t know if Obi-Wan is 30, 35. An example of how to do it would be something like this: Obi-Wan Kenobi (30 or 30 y.o.) or Obi-Wan Kenobi, he is 30 years old. And, obviously, do it in every episode, since, at least for now, we don’t know how many years pass from Ep.I to Ep.II or from Ep.II to Ep.III.

I also want to clarify that I’m not saying you should do this with everyone, just with the important characters. But at the very least, do it with Anakin, Obi-Wan, Mother Skywalker, etc.

I should also add, as I mentioned before, that I haven’t read the script yet, only skimming it. I’d add that it would be nice if you gave Anakin’s father a name and not just referred to him as “FATHER.” I don’t know if his name is revealed later, but it would be nice if he had one.

If you’re interested, I can tell you where to find some prequel rewrites that I think are quite interesting, in case you want to see how they did it and maybe get some ideas.

Thanks, looking forward to what you say.
For the age and appearance of the characters I have made some notes and concepts, but didn’t put it in the script because I read that a screenplay should not contain this information. I think it makes sense because the purpose of the screenplay is to help the director and actors to create the scenes. The actual background information and design is done seperately, I just have not figured out an effective way to share it. I thought maybe a discord server could help.
Reading some other rewrites would definitely be interesting. I know a few already and some where really good.

I understand what you’re saying, and you’re right. The reason I’m telling you this is because, unlike the original prequels, these won’t be shown on screen. It’s mainly for that reason. One thing you could do, if you still don’t want to include it in the script, is to include it at the end of each script, as a sort of “director’s commentary.” In fact, one of the rewrites I’m posting does just that; at the end of each script, it explains the meaning of the scenes or why they’re done that way. Or you can put it in another document or make a post all that information. Whatever works best for you.

By the way, could you provide another way to view your scripts? I’d prefer to be able to download them, as it would be more convenient to read. And I also saw that you’ve included a link to Episode II. I’ve noticed it’s incomplete. I’d prefer if you didn’t include any links until it’s finished (at least the first draft), as I’ve seen some notes at the end that are quite spoilery.

These are the rewrites:
CWBorne: This rewrite is in this forum. For me, so far, these are the ones I like the most, as for me they capture the essence of the Original Trilogy. They’re written as a mix of treatment and script, but they read perfectly. When he finishes the treatment for Episode III, he’ll turn the treatments into scripts. Unfortunately, he’s currently on hiatus due to issues in his personal life and the fact that he’s struggling to find the perfect version for the Anakin section of Act 2. That’s why you’ll see the last update is almost five years old.

• Ep.I and Ep.II: https://originaltrilogy.com/topic/CWBornes-Prequel-Treatment-Omnibus-Thread-Current-Work-Revisions-Edits/id/14170
• Ep.III: https://originaltrilogy.com/topic/Star-Wars-Episode-III-Broken-Forces/id/55500

James Schannep: This one is written in script format and it is the one that has the “director’s commentary” section at the end of each script. I also liked this one quite a bit, especially because it takes different paths than most rewrites and has some good plot twists.

• Link: https://jamesschannep.com/fiction/starwars/

Swiftbow: This one is written in script format too. Basically, the original idea for this one was to modify some things from the original prequels. That’s why you’ll see that Ep.I has quite a few similarities to the original. Ep.II isn’t as similar, and Ep.III bears no resemblance to the original at all.

• Link: https://swiftbow.com/StarWars.html

DuracellEnergizer: This one is also from this forum and is written in script format. Like James Schannepp’s rewrites, they also take a rather different direction than usual, too much for me, but they’re still very interesting. They are, however, long scripts. Furthermore, only Episodes I and II are complete; Episode III is unfinished, begins as a script and later becomes some kind of treatment to find out how it ends. And on this occasion, it’s definitively abandoned, which is why I’m including a separate link.

• Link: https://divergentuniverses.blogspot.com/2017/09/screenplay-index.html (Episode I: The New Dawn (Omega Draft 3.0) and Episode II: Knight of the Empire (Seventh Draft))
• Ep.III: https://divergentuniverses.blogspot.com/2018/07/star-wars-lost-hope-what-is-what.html

Your ideas are quite interesting. I’ll take a look at the script and give you feedback once I’ve read it. As you said, this is a first draft, so if you don’t mind, I’ll give you some recommendations that I consider important:

• Describe the characters more physically. For example, in this episode, I don’t know what Obi-Wan looks like physically. I don’t know if he has short or long hair, if he has a beard, or even what he’s wearing.
  Basically, the idea is to describe them better, but you can also use references to describe them. For example, when introducing Anakin, instead of saying he has medium-length hair, you can say he has a hairstyle similar to Luke’s in Episode V. Or, for example, with clothing, when you introduce Obi-Wan, say that Obi-Wan is dressed in a Jedi uniform like Luke’s in Episode VI, but instead of being black, it’s brown.

• Indicate the age of the important characters. Here the idea is very similar to the previous one. I don’t know how old the characters are in this episode. I don’t know if Obi-Wan is 30, 35. An example of how to do it would be something like this: Obi-Wan Kenobi (30 or 30 y.o.) or Obi-Wan Kenobi, he is 30 years old. And, obviously, do it in every episode, since, at least for now, we don’t know how many years pass from Ep.I to Ep.II or from Ep.II to Ep.III.

I also want to clarify that I’m not saying you should do this with everyone, just with the important characters. But at the very least, do it with Anakin, Obi-Wan, Mother Skywalker, etc.

I should also add, as I mentioned before, that I haven’t read the script yet, only skimming it. I’d add that it would be nice if you gave Anakin’s father a name and not just referred to him as “FATHER.” I don’t know if his name is revealed later, but it would be nice if he had one.

If you’re interested, I can tell you where to find some prequel rewrites that I think are quite interesting, in case you want to see how they did it and maybe get some ideas.

Welcome back, CWBorne. An interesting start to Act 2, the Jedi from the start of the movie, appears to be betrayed by the construction droids. Like Kadeos, I don’t know if this is because the Coalition has somehow hacked the droids or reprogrammed them or something like that. And on the other hand, Anakin agrees to collaborate with Darelda in her investigation.

Thanks and I look forward for the next update!

Welcome back, CWBorne. Very good the edits you have made in the scenes, I think like DLoomys that for the story it is better not only for Obi-Wan, but also for the rest that nobody knew how bad Anakin was and that they were totally caught by surprise his betrayal.

Could you answer a question I have:
Do you plan to include Tarkin in Episode III?

Since I think that the second antagonist of Episode IV should have more minutes than a brief appearance in the construction of the Death Star (Lucas’s original Episode III) in the prequels, either helping out on Mandalore’s mission or helping Palpatine/Anakin execute his plan or maybe both.

I know that JHodges already asked you this in Episode II, but maybe now that you possibly have more figured out Episode III, you already know if you are going to include it or not.

And as for future updates (waiting for what you respond to DLoomys), try to make the most of these circumstances and advance as much as you can and try to finish Act 2 as soon as possible. Since this Episode really needs a “shot” of important progress. So you understand me: go from having a 20-25% of the Episode to having a 60% “from overnight”, to put it in some way.

Thanks and I look forward for the next update!

Welcome back, CWBorne. A very interesting update, shows more about the relationship of Anakin and Ben and their internal doubts, especially Anakin’s.

As for the speed of progress, as I told you a while ago, this is a hobby and we understand that when you can rest from your work, you want to do it. But, it is true that it would be good to try to find some way to improve the speed, especially if you have the act that you are doing completely figured out. Obviously, then there’s the matter of being happy with the output, but the ideal would be a speed like Act II of Episode II, but maybe/surely that is not possible anymore, so the matter would be to find a middle ground between that and Act III of Episode II which is the method you’re using now, although with worse results as far as time is concerned.

And to finish, you would be so kind to respond to this little doubt that I have:

This update is the result of all this time of break?

With this question, what I want to know is if you have more developed the act II apart from the bases you told me at the time, even to start putting updates, or this update is all the material you have so far.

Probably I have understood correctly what you wanted to say, but it is to not expect more updates in the short term (next weeks/months).

Thanks and I look forward for the next update!

A very interesting update, really. It is very interesting to see how the relationship between Kenobi and Skywalker has changed. They are friends, but it is clear that Kenobi is realizing that they are more distanced than it seems. And Phakerem knows that they have lost the war, but that they will not surrender peacefully (at least for the moment) and that if to end the war and obtain peace the Republic has to lose 100 soldiers, it will be so.

I’m sorry I could not give you feedback before, but I was hoping there was another update to have more content and have something else to comment on.

By the way, I sent you a PM commenting on an issue, do not worry, it’s not bad at all. I’m telling you here because I know that you do not receive notifications to the mail and also in case you have not seen the notification on the web.

Thanks and I look forward to see the next update.

A very interesting update, really. The relationship between Anakin and Palpatine is closer than before and Palpatine is already beginning to “manipulate” Anakin. On the other hand, Llanad asks Darelda to investigate and locate the spy responsible for the attack.

As for you trying to make the effort to continue for regularity, if you have Act I completely figured out or almost, please make the effort, at least until the act is finished, then if Act II is more advanced or less that’s another issue but try to at least maintain the regularity of the updates.

I look forward to see the next update.

Glad to have you back, CWBorne. This update really brings interesting things. Skywalker’s obsession for Carima’s safety, the loss of life in the war, and the quickest way to prevent more people from dying in the conflict, even if these are more extreme methods.

And by the way, you could answer this question:
When you say that “I will try to eventually turn these into more formal screenplays”, obviously I already know what it means, but does it mean that you already have completely clear what you are going to revisions/edits from the previous episodes? And if those revisions/edits will we see them directly in script or will you start modifying the treatments that are already posted and then do the scripts?

Thanks and I look forward to see the next update.

I regret not having commented on the previous update, but being an update a bit short, I was waiting for you to put more updates to give you feedback. Good start. The people of the Republic are beginning to be concerned about the Jedi and their clones. And Anakin acts very hard in this episode, each time he looks more like Darth Vader.

Could you answer a question:
-How old is Anakin in this episode? I ask you this question, because I thought that in A Galaxy’s Fury he was in his mid 20’s, however in this episode he says he is in his mid 30’s. I thought it had been 4 years since II.

Thanks and I look forward for the next update!

Ok thank you very much for answer, I’ve finally know when you will do the scripts, once you finish the last treatment (and revised the previous two) you will do all three scripts. Let’s hope that Episode III takes less to formulate than Episode II and we can enjoy it as soon as possible. 😉

Okay, but answer me this question because I have not been entirely clear to me:
You’re saying that you will do both the script and the treatment at the same time?

Because I had thought that if you were not still clear some things from Episode I to make the script, that you do the script of Episode II which you have it done more recently. By this I mean that if you want to do both the script for Episode II and the treatment for Episode III at the same time, go ahead, but putting more work on the script. An example would be something like this:
script: 70-80% and treatment: 20-30%.

What do you think of the idea?

A great end to a great episode. The truth is that I’ve been thinking about how you were going to put Anakin the name of Darth Vader, but who would have thought that in your prequels was a Jedi title, you’ve outdone yourself.

I think there is an error in this sentence: “Not too far away, Ben and Carima move through open street tunnels on Coruscant…”, I think it’s Anakin not Ben, because she later talks with Anakin. And if you can, change the title of the topic, instead of putting current progress, put complete, finished or something like that 😉

I know that maybe it’s a bit early to ask this but, what are you going to do now? You will continue with the script of Ep.I as you said to me that you would do? Or you will start thinking the treatment for Ep.III and when its complete you will focus on the scripts?

Good job in this update, Anakin decided that for the good of the Republic (or for trying to kill Carima, or both) Crayde must die, while on the other hand, the Republic defeat the clones and force its leader to flee. The Battle of Coruscant is over.
I look forward to the next/last update!

I loved this update, the battle begins to turn in favor of the Republic. Anakin seems to have already defeated Obi-Wan’s clone and also discovered how to beat the cloned Jedi (who would have said it would be with the mind trick). While Obi-Wan and Phakerem have confronted again, and now she plans to confront Nellith, which is using the dark side.
I look forward to the next update!

First sorry I not given you feedback on the previous two updates, I did not because these two updates were and I did not want to repeat the feedbacks of others. Having said that, good work, CWBorne, Obi-Wan, Nellith and several Jedi have finally “landed” on Coruscant and prepare to face Phakerem and her cloned Jedi, while Anakin prepares to face Crayde and nothing less than a clone of Obi-Wan.
I look forward to the next update!

Good work, CWBorne, a great update. You have left me wanting more 😉. The conversation between Obi-Wan and Nellith It is very interesting (it works better this way). And now almost all are already reunited in the planetary fight, the power center has been destroyed, the whole plan is going well.
I look forward to the next update!

Welcome back! Before commenting on the new update I have a doubt about the order of scenes:
“Cut to a pair of hands picking up a blaster rifle, which we soon see belong to steely eyed Carima inside the resistance headquarters…”
This scene, which you placed in the previous update (which is modified, as you said), but this scene is on the last update of page 2 of the topic, my question is: what is the right order? because if it is new, you should delete the scene of that update (page 2) from the topic.
“Cut to Nivir hiding among various cruisers. With acceptance settling on her face, she tells him that if they’re in trouble no amount of help will make a difference. Trukiz mentions…”
And another question I have is that in this scene of this update, Trukiz appears, if I remember correctly, Trukiz was the person with whom Anakin and the rest were to contact once they found the resistance, but when they find it, Fordala says Trukiz died weeks ago. Then it is a mistake? or Trukis (like this in this update) and Trukiz are not the same person, and just change the last letter?

And a question that I’ve been thinking, how do your Jedi dress in your prequels, or at least Anakin (as a Jedi) and Obi-Wan? Like in the original prequels? As in The Clone Wars (2008 TV-Series)? Or as Luke in Episode VI?
I have also doubts to the appearance of Phakerem, it’s kind Jango Fett, but in woman version or as the first Mandalorians as Star Wars Wiki says: http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Taung
I’ll give you feedback when you put the next update, as this update is not much to say.

Sorry for not having commented the previous update, I was waiting for the next one to give you something more. I liked a lot for now, specifically the last conversation between Anakin and Crayde. I look forward to the next update!

It seems interesting, but we have to see how advances. Even for a summary, I think is missing a bit of information about the characters (age, physical description). But good work, we'll see what happens in the next update.

And at what age it develops True Knight?

Very interesting, I did not expect that the traitor was a Jedi, I thought it would be HX-81. And Kenobi and the others have found that the Coalition have cloned a Jedi. And Anakin has "sacrificed" himself for the resistance can enter into the base of the Coruscant defense network.

Good joob as always CWBorne. I look forward to see what happens in Act 3.

I liked, Nellith fell to the dark side in a similar manner to that Anakin will fall to the dark side. And Skywalker is looking for a new system for the Republic. I liked that brief reference to C-3PO and R2. Good Work.
I look forward to see the next update.

Very good work. From what I can observe your first update focuses more on Kenobi and the second focuses more on Skywalker. As for Kenobi's history, I like it a lot. He's trying to convince Nellith that more Jedi are needed in the field to win the war. And now they have a traitor aboard, and as someone who read most of your posts, I think I know who it is.
As for Skywalker's history, I liked too. He's trying to lead the mission as best he can, but for one circumstance or another, things become more complicated. We are getting closer to his trauma.
I look forward to see the next update.

I totally agree with Wannabe Scholar,  Padme should not die in any episode of the prequels and Organa should have more weight in the prequels.

In any case, once you finish your last episode of your prequels, is there a chance that you make your prequels in script format?

I've been thinking about it, and the way I'm thinking my prequels, I have developped two ways:

• The assassination of the President in Ep.I, force the Republic to form a Council of five senators until a new President is elected. The Council is formed by: Bail Organa, Palpatine and three more. The votes are in favor of Organa and probably he will become the new President, so Palpatine secretly ordered the clones forces, led by his associate, to attack Alderaan and kill Organa. After Alderaan is saved, and Organa is safe, probably (still undecided), Bail, influenced by Kenobi, decides to return to military service. Finally Palpatine is chosen as the new President and his first act as President is to turn the Galactic Republic into the Galactic Empire to fight the war against the clones.

• In the same way as above, except for Palpatine form the Empire at the end of Episode III. The war and the loss of the Jedi left the Republic devastated and Palpatine easily transforms the Republic into the Empire.

Those are the two ideas that I am developing. I will develop both and then decide which choose. Leave comments, to see which one you like more.