Anthony Ajax

Hi… I pretty much just randomly stumbled here near the end of many hours of deep diving rabbit holes while in bed sick today… But this caught my attention and I wanted to offer my thoughts if they might possibly help. Also this is my first post on a forum in years, so forgive any struggles I may have due to the relearning curve.

My suggestions or alternative edits to the basic mold are below in brackets. I’m not fond of all of them and unsure of others… But, I really think at the very least “once”; “evil forces”; something besides “fragile” or “fledgling”; and “the” and “amongst” in the ending would serve well in your aims.

If Luke has vanished, he’s obviously not still striving for that goal, so just from a syntax/grammar point of view “once” is sort of necessary, especially with differing verb tenses being mixed.

Forgive any poor formatting.

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EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS

Balance has been broken
[… again].
Luke Skywalker, [once] striving

to reforge the legendary
 Jedi
Order, has vanished. [Despair and
darkness have begun to move again.]

[Emboldened/Unfettered] by [the
Last Jedi’s] absence, [evil forces]
[of the/known as the] FIRST ORDER
have [a/risen/spread/sprouted] from
the shadow of an Imperial fortress
conquering isolated worlds
beyond the reach of the
[nascent/reborn/awakening] New
Republic.

Desperate to unite these
[systems] in RESISTANCE, a
[loyal and daring militia has
sent their best pilot to find
the elusive Jedi Master], hoping to
[rekindle/respark] [the] light of
hope [amongst] the
[darkening/dimming]
[stars/galaxy]…