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Your Friendly Guide on Belittling Your Neighbor's Beliefs (pamphlet for distribution is pending)

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 (Edited)

I don't like what Bill down the street believes, and I want to express my feelings.  Well, that's easy, you say?  Think again!  You must know your audience and those who might overhear you.  You must memorize the Tome of All Things Politically Correct.  You may want to brush up on the supplementary volume Racists! Phrases that Have Nothing to Do with Racism but Can Be Twisted to Imply Racism as well.  You must remember what year you're in, as there are fashionable and unfashionable times to slam and slander someone's faith.  But since this is a lot of reading and research, I will summarize some basic rules that will allow you to feel superior to your fellowman without media bulldogs being called on you.

1) This rule you must never forget: Muslims are better than everyone else!  You must never, never, ever say anything disparaging towards Muslims, as it is sheer coincidence that so many terrorist plots have been done in the name of Islam.  99.979302% (+ or - .000001 certainty) of Muslims on this earth want nothing but peace, love, rainbows, and would vote for gay marriage, abortion, and liberal politicians every time.

2) In spite of the above statement so strongly stated, there is an exception to the rule: If you are addressing a small, like-minded audience with no media presence, no snitches, and preferably far right evangelical Christians or Michael Savage listeners, then you can make whatever blanket statements you like about every living Muslim on the earth, and assure everyone listening that all Muslims are out to destroy the U.S. and your neighbor three doors down has plans to take over your neighborhood association and build a mosque in your front lawn.

3) Speaking of evangelical Christians: These are hypocrites, ignoramuses, and bigots and legislation is already in the works to include these people in dictionaries and thesauri under the above mentioned terms.  These people are the roots of hate, savagery, and evil in this country, and no hesitation should ever be made in labeling them as such.  The more they are stigmatized, the sooner they'll give up their stubborn ways and join in PRIDE marches in San Francisco.

4) Once again, despite strong wording to the contrary, there is an exception to the above rule: If the evangelical Christian church in question is a black church, then all members are extremely intelligent, thoughtful, fun-loving, and accepting of people of all races.

5) Catholics are an interesting case: If Whoopi Goldberg leads the choir program, then Catholics are okay.  If we're talking about Catholics who go to church on Easter and Christmas, then you might actually have to rely on a case by case basis, though we are of course seeking to avoid such dreadful shortcuts with these rules.  If they are regular attendees at mass, then beware, these are little better than the Evangelicals.

6) Jews are always good!  Always!  No exceptions!  Oh, except when they are Israeli Jews, in which case their goodness is trumped by the "betterness" of the Palestinian Muslims that are tread upon by these vile, land-stealing usurpers.  There is not a good Israeli among them.  Remember this distinction: all Jews are good, but all Israelis are bad.  As long as you keep it in this context, no one will notice any discrepencies.

7) Mormons, Jehovah's Witnesses, Christadelphians, and other related groups are free for criticism from many angles because they are just plain weird.  If you happen to be a mainstream Christian, put them in your catalogue of cults.  If you are a non-Christian believer, such as Jewish or Muslim, then you may want to lump them with other other Christians, and call them as you see fit (antisemites, Crusaders, imperialists, whatever you like).  If you are not a believer in any religion, then just judge them all as among the hypocrites and the crazies.  Bear in mind, though these faiths represent a minority belief system, they do not represent a minority race, which permits this kind of slander.  And on that topic, let's look at our next rule...

8) As a general rule, if a religion is frequently associated with a race (i.e. Buddhism to Asians, Hinduism to Indians, tribal religions to whatever race of tribes [even the violent ones], and the aforementioned Muslims and Black Evangelicals), then you cannot say anything about them.  They are good.  They are great!  They lead to the betterment of mankind, no questions asked.  You cannot tread on their untainted system, whether it simply involves respectfully burying their dead or eating the flesh of other humans.

9) If you are an atheist, agnostic, or other semantically nuanced non-believer: rule 8 only applies when used with specific religions.  You can simply state that all religions are throwbacks to humanity's primitive superstitions and needs for comforting Higher Power, and that they have led to every heinous act committed on this planet.  But do not delve into any specific religions under the above named rules, else you automatically are cast as a racist.

10) An extension of the above rule allows for greater freedom among atheist critics: When dealing with a Christian person who murdered in the name of their God, no matter how much other members of that faith try to disassociate themselves from that member, no matter how mentally unstable the perpetrator may prove to be, no matter how out of line his/her actions are with the beliefs of the general membership, make sure you tie the assailant's actions to the faith he/she claims to hold.  Never forget, your superior intellect allows you to make these judgments in all fairness.

11) If you are a religious person, and you learn that an atheist individual, group, or state has committed crimes against humanity, you cannot in your wildest dreams associate their crime with their non-belief.  Remember, they don't believe in any deity.  So no matter how their non-belief has shaped their views of the universe, whether it be animal rights, plant rights, the rights of microbes, the rights of dirt, communism, fascism (remember, religion was merely a political tool for fascist leaders), believers that all religions are evil and must be eliminated, those who seek entropy, etc., you cannot ever tie those views to their lack of belief in a divine being.  Atheists are a poor, downtrodden group who are not generally trusted in the U.S.  It's not like they hold power or influence or anything.  If you criticize anyone for not believing in God, then you are an intolerant imbecile.

12) Bear in mind that it's only 2011.  In ten years, these rules will have changed, and you may have a greater playing field.  You may be able to condemn any faith you like.  But beware, as you may find yourself more and more restricted to white, conservative Christian males.  You shape the future of what is okay to say and what is "hateful," so get out there and make a difference!

 

I hope this guide has proved helpful.  It sure makes it easier to know when, how, and whom you can insult without receiving a death warrant from some ecclesiastical leader or the PC Police.  Suggestions for future publications may be submitted in this thread.

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Interesting.  I think I understand where you're coming from/what you're trying to say... but it's laced with so much... er... wit... that I'm not sure which lines to read betwixt. 

IT'S MY TRILOGY, AND I WANT IT NOW!

"[George Lucas] rebooted the franchise in 1997 without telling anyone." -skyjedi2005

"Yeah, well, George says a lot of things..." a young 1997 xhonzi on RASSM

"They're my movies." -George Lucas. 19 people won oscars for their work on Star Wars (1977) and George Lucas wasn't one of them.

Rewrite the Prequels!

 

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 (Edited)

My biggest point here is not where I am coming from, necessarily, but rather that I tire of religious bigotry, regardless of who is the target.  But I certainly leaned towards the unspoken rules utilized by so many that allow for the criticism of certain faiths and the...what's the word...untouchability(?) of other faiths.  My point is that all people are bigots and utilize hateful speech, whether they be the insensitive right wing or the "fair-minded" left.

EDIT: I should note that there was deliberately a lot of vaguery in my post.  I just wanted those who took the time to read it (we won't specify any Goblin King fans or anything) to think a bit before they make further blanket statements.  Much of the same principle applies to bigotry of all brands.

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^And one or two in South Sudan and Greenland, no doubt.

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TV's Frink said:

I find this "all people are bigots comments" distressing.  I'm pretty sure there's a few people in Minnesota who aren't bigots.

 I swear!  I didn't know my first wife was still alive after that plane crash and that she'd been living on an island for the past five years!  SHE WAS LEGALLY DECLARED DEAD!  I moved on and married another woman.  I'M SORRY!  But now my first wife is back and... well... I guess that makes me a bigot.

But it's not like she's totally innocent in the matter.... OH NO!  Turns outs my little "Eve" was hanging out with a different "Adam" the whole time.  Or Chuck Connors, or Randolph Scott or whatever his name was.

IT'S MY TRILOGY, AND I WANT IT NOW!

"[George Lucas] rebooted the franchise in 1997 without telling anyone." -skyjedi2005

"Yeah, well, George says a lot of things..." a young 1997 xhonzi on RASSM

"They're my movies." -George Lucas. 19 people won oscars for their work on Star Wars (1977) and George Lucas wasn't one of them.

Rewrite the Prequels!

 

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TV's Frink said:

Cast Away?

 

Never seen that one either.

 What?  No, this really happened.

IT'S MY TRILOGY, AND I WANT IT NOW!

"[George Lucas] rebooted the franchise in 1997 without telling anyone." -skyjedi2005

"Yeah, well, George says a lot of things..." a young 1997 xhonzi on RASSM

"They're my movies." -George Lucas. 19 people won oscars for their work on Star Wars (1977) and George Lucas wasn't one of them.

Rewrite the Prequels!

 

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All Mormons are black doctors who steal bras from their bosses to get promoted. Sorry, that's the truth. I saw it on TV.

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Nah, seriously, that was an awesome read :D

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twooffour said:

All Mormons are black doctors who steal bras from their bosses to get promoted. Sorry, that's the truth. I saw it on TV.

Well!  There goes the Mormon segment of your fanbase.  Who's next?

IT'S MY TRILOGY, AND I WANT IT NOW!

"[George Lucas] rebooted the franchise in 1997 without telling anyone." -skyjedi2005

"Yeah, well, George says a lot of things..." a young 1997 xhonzi on RASSM

"They're my movies." -George Lucas. 19 people won oscars for their work on Star Wars (1977) and George Lucas wasn't one of them.

Rewrite the Prequels!

 

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darth_ender said:

My biggest point here is not where I am coming from, necessarily, but rather that I tire of religious bigotry, regardless of who is the target.  But I certainly leaned towards the unspoken rules utilized by so many that allow for the criticism of certain faiths and the...what's the word...untouchability(?) of other faiths.

What world are we in that Jews and Muslims are "untouchable" to criticism? Is this an EU thing?

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TheBoost said:

darth_ender said:

My biggest point here is not where I am coming from, necessarily, but rather that I tire of religious bigotry, regardless of who is the target.  But I certainly leaned towards the unspoken rules utilized by so many that allow for the criticism of certain faiths and the...what's the word...untouchability(?) of other faiths.

What world are we in that Jews and Muslims are "untouchable" to criticism? Is this an EU thing?

He meant 'untouchable' according to India's caste system.

Star Wars Episode XXX: Erica Strikes Back

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          If you want Nice, go to France

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TheBoost said:

darth_ender said:

My biggest point here is not where I am coming from, necessarily, but rather that I tire of religious bigotry, regardless of who is the target.  But I certainly leaned towards the unspoken rules utilized by so many that allow for the criticism of certain faiths and the...what's the word...untouchability(?) of other faiths.

What world are we in that Jews and Muslims are "untouchable" to criticism? Is this an EU thing?

I think you're missing the point my friend.  I never said that they were truly untouchable.  Reread that underlined sentence and notice the phrase "unspoken rules utilized by so many."  My point here is not that nobody criticizes them, nor that there is no merit for some criticism about one thing or another.  My point is that so many who claim to oppose bigotry or anything that promotes hatred are extremely defensive about certain religions that they will justify practically anything, while they are mercilessly quick to point out and emphasize the mistakes made by other faiths, most notably conservative, white evangelical Christians.

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xhonzi said:

twooffour said:

All Mormons are black doctors who steal bras from their bosses to get promoted. Sorry, that's the truth. I saw it on TV.

Well!  There goes the Mormon segment of your fanbase.  Who's next?

Twooffour has said several things I've found offensive, but to his credit he is merely teasing me because he knows I'm Mormon.  I don't mind a little jab like that.  We Mormons have got a sense of humor.

 

 

...jerk...