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Who could Uncle Owen hand a serious bare knuckle beating to?

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Imagine if Uncle Owen escaped the Imperial cookout that lay in store for him and his wife and instead toured the galaxy in a blue milk induced rage, taking part in bare knuckle brawls all across the empire. If I had to choose a person from each movie that I reckon he could give a serious ass whooping to, my choices would be thus:

Governor Tarkin

No contest. Tarkins biting wit and hatchet features would have little baring on the moisture farmers sun baked knuckles.

 

"I told you to forget it."

 

Lobot

Sure, he can manage an entire city/mining colony with his mind, but can he dodge a sand encrusted haymaker?

"There'll be hell to pay."

 

Admiral Ackbar

I don't think Ackbar can make much of a fist, sure he could probably give you hard slap, which would no doubt be akin to getting slapped across the face with a dead mackerel, but I don't think it would be enough to put down our Owen. He'd knock Ackbar into orbit around Endor.

"I'll make it up to him next year."

 

Any challengers?

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I can only think of 2 prequel characters that would deserve it, Hayden version of Skywalker and Jar Jar.

“Always loved Vader’s wordless self sacrifice. Another shitty, clueless, revision like Greedo and young Anakin’s ghost. What a fucking shame.” -Simon Pegg.

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Uh-oh... here comes Ric Olie.

IT'S MY TRILOGY, AND I WANT IT NOW!

"[George Lucas] rebooted the franchise in 1997 without telling anyone." -skyjedi2005

"Yeah, well, George says a lot of things..." a young 1997 xhonzi on RASSM

"They're my movies." -George Lucas. 19 people won oscars for their work on Star Wars (1977) and George Lucas wasn't one of them.

Rewrite the Prequels!

 

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The first post has been making me laugh for a good 24 hours now! Inded, I hadn't quite realised it but Uncle Owen really is the Charles Bronson/Clint Eastwood/Chuck Norris figure of the series.

The Secret History of Star Wars -- now available on Amazon.com!

"When George went back and put new creatures into the original Star Wars, I find that disturbing. It’s a revision of history. That bothers me."

--James Cameron, Entertainment Weekly, April 2010

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The sand encrusted haymaker.  Sweet Moses, that is funny!

 

What are your thoughts on a match between Owen and maybe...

The Bespin Ice Cream Man

Dexter Jettster

or maybe Chief Chirpa?

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Owen could take them all out... except for the Bespin Ice Cream Man. I have a feeling if Owen even so much as tried to lay a finger on that ice cream maker, the Bespin Ice Cream Man would give him a beating he wouldn't soon forget.

"Every time Warb sighs, an angel falls into a vat of mapel syrup." - Gaffer Tape

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I had to look up the Bespin Ice Cream man, well worth it. I agree, a fight between those two would be like Rocky vs Apollo.

Great combatant choices so far, Sluggo your choices cracked me up.

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Round Two:  Fight!

 

Porkins

The portly X-wing pilot would be no match to the man who can hold off an entire colony of sandpeople with one blaster.  I can already smell the bacon.

"He died about the same time as your father."


The Bespin Ice Cream Man

This may look like the match of the decade, but the man who's only friend is vanilla will be too busy thinking about sprinkles to put up a good fight.  Owen will throw sand in his eyes with his left hand and break his nose with his right.

 "All right, shut up".

 

Bib Fortuna

Sure the red eyes are scary, but Mr. Fortuna is pasty-white, has manicured fingernails and is named after something you put on a baby to keep it clean when it spits up on itself.   And could Bib grow an awesome beard like Owen has?  Not in a million years.  Owen will rip off his shirt and flex his guns while Bib runs off with his head-tails between his legs.

 "You can waste time with your friends when your chores are done".

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Friday night fights! Love your work Sluggo!

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Stampede said:

 Any challengers?

 

Piett?  Ozzel?  Wicket?

All I really want is each film as it was originally seen and heard in theaters; no fixes, corrections, "improvements" or modifications necessary.

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I'd put me money on Phil.  Ralph puts too much time on being a handsome devil to seem like a real threat.

Thanks Stampede!

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Ralph Brown is an impostor who is a wimp and not nearly as handsome as I am. 

That Uncle Owen guy might be a tough match.  I think I could take him, but it would be a good fight.

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Sluggo said:

The Bespin Ice Cream Man

This may look like the match of the decade, but the man who's only friend is vanilla will be too busy thinking about sprinkles to put up a good fight.  Owen will throw sand in his eyes with his left hand and break his nose with his right.

 "All right, shut up".

 

I think you fail to appreciate just how much the Bespin Ice Cream Man loves his ice cream. The man isn't an ice cream addict, as you seem to think he is, rather he is an ice cream connoisseur. Ice cream isn't an addiction to him that brings him down; it is a love that inspires him. That is why Owen would fail in this fight, the Bespin Ice Cream Man has a great passion for his favorite frozen treat, and you can BET he will bring that passion into the fight with him, and use it to give ol' Owen a beating he will never forget.

You're probably right in your assuming that Owen would have to resort to cheap tricks, like throwing sand in his opponents eyes, in order to win this fight. Maybe it will give him a bit of an advantage, but I'd still throw my money on the side of the man with previously frozen sugar and passion flowing through his veins than the old cheater of a water farmer (I mean, seriously, who the hell farms water? Why not just import the stuff? Other planets seem to have more than enough of it. If Owen had any intelligence at all, he'd invest in a decent sized cargo vessel, have the cargo area converted into a huge water tight tank, go to a planet where water is inexpensive and fill the thing up, then bring it back to Tantooine, bottle it, slap a pretty label on it, and sale it to the local corner stores and restaurants).

Owen's Glacier Water
Melted from the cold, refreshing
snows of the ice world Hoth

Think about it, that would totally sell like hot cakes on a planet with two suns! Reading that even makes me thirsty, and I live in a place that is currently cold and wet, imagine the effect it would have on someone living on a hot, arid desert planet.

"Every time Warb sighs, an angel falls into a vat of mapel syrup." - Gaffer Tape

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That or he just needs to find that underground lake the Fremen have been working on.

err...

Bespin Ice Cream Man FTW?

IT'S MY TRILOGY, AND I WANT IT NOW!

"[George Lucas] rebooted the franchise in 1997 without telling anyone." -skyjedi2005

"Yeah, well, George says a lot of things..." a young 1997 xhonzi on RASSM

"They're my movies." -George Lucas. 19 people won oscars for their work on Star Wars (1977) and George Lucas wasn't one of them.

Rewrite the Prequels!

 

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C3PX said:

You're probably right in your assuming that Owen would have to resort to cheap tricks, like throwing sand in his opponents eyes, in order to win this fight.

Thanks for making me laugh this monday morning! :D

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I love the idea of Imported Hoth Water.  Moisture Farmers.  Weird.  Maybe the taxation of water along the trade routes was just too expensive.

Ok, I concede with the Ice Cream Man vs. Owen Lars.  It would be a tough match.  I see it like Bruce Lee vs. Kareem Abdul Jabbar.  Maybe Owen would win the best of 5.

I'd love to see Owen versus Bossk.  That would be a fight.  Imagine Kirk vs. the Gorn.

Anyone want to write up Round 3?

 

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Sluggo said:

I love the idea of Imported Hoth Water.  Moisture Farmers.  Weird.  Maybe the taxation of water along the trade routes was just too expensive. 

Wow, you're right.  That "taxation of trade routes" angle sounds like a great idea too.  Maybe someone should make a Star Wars movie about that!

There is no lingerie in space...

C3PX said: Gaffer is like that hot girl in high school that you think you have a chance with even though she is way out of your league because she is sweet and not a stuck up bitch who pretends you don't exist... then one day you spot her making out with some skinny twerp, only on second glance you realize it is the goth girl who always sits in the back of class; at that moment it dawns on you why she is never seen hanging off the arm of any of the jocks... and you realize, damn, she really is unobtainable after all. Not that that is going to stop you from dreaming... Only in this case, Gaffer is actually a guy.

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:P

Shhh...  don't give LFL any ideas!

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Gaffer Tape said:

Sluggo said:

I love the idea of Imported Hoth Water.  Moisture Farmers.  Weird.  Maybe the taxation of water along the trade routes was just too expensive. 

Wow, you're right.  That "taxation of trade routes" angle sounds like a great idea too.  Maybe someone should make a Star Wars movie about that!

They made a Star Wars movie about taxation and trade routes. They had to throw JarJar in every seen to keep people interested...

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Sluggo said:

I am unaware of such movie.

Ric Olie is sad :-(

14 minutes ago . Comment . Like

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But Sluggo is happy.  Ignorance, in this matter especially, it bliss.

IT'S MY TRILOGY, AND I WANT IT NOW!

"[George Lucas] rebooted the franchise in 1997 without telling anyone." -skyjedi2005

"Yeah, well, George says a lot of things..." a young 1997 xhonzi on RASSM

"They're my movies." -George Lucas. 19 people won oscars for their work on Star Wars (1977) and George Lucas wasn't one of them.

Rewrite the Prequels!