Twelve Reasons "Star Wars" (aka ANH) Suckz

1. Chewie. This character does absolutely NOTHING of note the entire film. You could totally edit him out without altering the plot. I hope some fan-editor gets rid of this annoying action figure tie-in!

2. Setting. The desert!?! I see the desert all the time. How am I supposed to believe this is some exotic alien locale. The sand isn't even purple! And a jungle planet? Way to think outside the box there Lucass. There are tons of jungles... on Earth! Lame!

3. Masks. In another cheap ploy for action figures, they fill the wacky bar on Tattoine with all sorts of rubber-masked aliens. What, was Lucash to cheap to hire Ray Harryhausen?

4. Garidian. The only really fascinating character gets the short stick. Instead of mobbing up on the heroes and single handedly taking them out before they get on their spaceship, he goes and inexplicably tells the Stormtroopers where they are! It's totally out of character!

5. Ridiculous fight choreography. Why does Obi-Wan spin around 360 just to return facing forward BARELY in time to block Vader's lightsaber? To look 'cool' is why, because Lucas feels the need to try and appeal to kids these day who like spinning!

6. Wacky comedy. The uselesss wookiee growls at a silly little (and utterly useless) rolling droid that runs away?! Stupid C-3P0 thinks everyone got crushed. Did Lucas think the kids in the audience would run away without slapstick?

7. Why is there a grate that you have to shoot open to the garbage chute? How do the Imperials throw away their garbage? And wouldn't the stink constantly come up? Didn't anyone on this movie ever THINK?!?!

8. Terrible editing. The sandperson knocks Luke down and we get a bizarre loop/reverse shot of it shaking its stick. Did Lazy Lucas (was lazy) really think no one would notice?

9. Missed oppurtunites. Luke never kills anyone with his lightsaber. Han doesn't die in a heroic sacrifice. Leia doesn't get revenge on Tarkin. Chewbaca never tears anyone's arms off. And how come the Death Star, the size of a planet, only has like, 6 TIE fighters defending it? Why didn't Vader use the Force to choke Luke out in the Death Star trench?

10. Lousy acting. Debbie Reynold's daughter couldn't even be bothered to work out what her accent was. And could Peter Cushing have phoned it in anymore? He was wearing bunny slippers under the table for Pete's sake! Ford just does a lame reprise of his iconic American Graffitti role, and don't get me started on Aunt Beru! Ug!

11. The title. Star WarS??? There's only ONE war going on, dumbasses!

12. Parsecs. Nuff said.

Yeah, and don't even get me started about Vader not reacting at all when he looses control of his Tie Fighter. Some sort of outcry or expressing his denial and anger would've made this scene so much more believable! But they had to keep him calm and in control, as if that's what the dark side was about. *sigh*

Master Sifo-Dyas said:

Yeah, and don't even get me started about Vader not reacting at all when he looses control of his Tie Fighter. Some sort of outcry or expressing his denial and anger would've made this scene so much more believable! But they had to keep him calm and in control, as if that's what the dark side was about. *sigh*

Yeah, how do we he was still in control?  It's not explicitly stated!  Honestly I didn't know what he might be thinking at that point.  Maybe "Yipee!" or "let's try spinning, that's a good trick!" or "Nooooo".  A few words wouldn't hurt to avoid confusion.

Lotz of lolz in this thred.

It would have been more in line with Lucas' already planned arc for Vader if after being ordered to release Motti from his Force Grip (TM) he complained about how Tarkin was holding him back and how unfair it was.

TheBoost said:

1. Chewie. This character does absolutely NOTHING of note the entire film. You could totally edit him out without altering the plot. I hope some fan-editor gets rid of this annoying action figure tie-in!

2. Setting. The desert!?! I see the desert all the time. How am I supposed to believe this is some exotic alien locale. The sand isn't even purple! And a jungle planet? Way to think outside the box there Lucass. There are tons of jungles... on Earth! Lame!

3. Masks. In another cheap ploy for action figures, they fill the wacky bar on Tattoine with all sorts of rubber-masked aliens. What, was Lucash to cheap to hire Ray Harryhausen?

4. Garidian. The only really fascinating character gets the short stick. Instead of mobbing up on the heroes and single handedly taking them out before they get on their spaceship, he goes and inexplicably tells the Stormtroopers where they are! It's totally out of character!

5. Ridiculous fight choreography. Why does Obi-Wan spin around 360 just to return facing forward BARELY in time to block Vader's lightsaber? To look 'cool' is why, because Lucas feels the need to try and appeal to kids these day who like spinning!

6. Wacky comedy. The uselesss wookiee growls at a silly little (and utterly useless) rolling droid that runs away?! Stupid C-3P0 thinks everyone got crushed. Did Lucas think the kids in the audience would run away without slapstick?

7. Why is there a grate that you have to shoot open to the garbage chute? How do the Imperials throw away their garbage? And wouldn't the stink constantly come up? Didn't anyone on this movie ever THINK?!?!

8. Terrible editing. The sandperson knocks Luke down and we get a bizarre loop/reverse shot of it shaking its stick. Did Lazy Lucas (was lazy) really think no one would notice?

9. Missed oppurtunites. Luke never kills anyone with his lightsaber. Han doesn't die in a heroic sacrifice. Leia doesn't get revenge on Tarkin. Chewbaca never tears anyone's arms off. And how come the Death Star, the size of a planet, only has like, 6 TIE fighters defending it? Why didn't Vader use the Force to choke Luke out in the Death Star trench?

10. Lousy acting. Debbie Reynold's daughter couldn't even be bothered to work out what her accent was. And could Peter Cushing have phoned it in anymore? He was wearing bunny slippers under the table for Pete's sake! Ford just does a lame reprise of his iconic American Graffitti role, and don't get me started on Aunt Beru! Ug!

11. The title. Star WarS??? There's only ONE war going on, dumbasses!

12. Parsecs. Nuff said.

It's pretty cool otherwise, though, right?

bkev said:

And ladies and gentlemen, a prime example as to why we are considered obnoxious and disliked. Well played, Mr. Boost.

Oh come on.

bkev said:

And ladies and gentlemen, a prime example as to why we are considered obnoxious and disliked.

I hadn't heard.

TheBoost said:

1. Chewie. This character does absolutely NOTHING of note the entire film. You could totally edit him out without altering the plot. I hope some fan-editor gets rid of this annoying action figure tie-in!

2. Setting. The desert!?! I see the desert all the time. How am I supposed to believe this is some exotic alien locale. The sand isn't even purple! And a jungle planet? Way to think outside the box there Lucass. There are tons of jungles... on Earth! Lame!

3. Masks. In another cheap ploy for action figures, they fill the wacky bar on Tattoine with all sorts of rubber-masked aliens. What, was Lucash to cheap to hire Ray Harryhausen?

4. Garidian. The only really fascinating character gets the short stick. Instead of mobbing up on the heroes and single handedly taking them out before they get on their spaceship, he goes and inexplicably tells the Stormtroopers where they are! It's totally out of character!

5. Ridiculous fight choreography. Why does Obi-Wan spin around 360 just to return facing forward BARELY in time to block Vader's lightsaber? To look 'cool' is why, because Lucas feels the need to try and appeal to kids these day who like spinning!

6. Wacky comedy. The uselesss wookiee growls at a silly little (and utterly useless) rolling droid that runs away?! Stupid C-3P0 thinks everyone got crushed. Did Lucas think the kids in the audience would run away without slapstick?

7. Why is there a grate that you have to shoot open to the garbage chute? How do the Imperials throw away their garbage? And wouldn't the stink constantly come up? Didn't anyone on this movie ever THINK?!?!

8. Terrible editing. The sandperson knocks Luke down and we get a bizarre loop/reverse shot of it shaking its stick. Did Lazy Lucas (was lazy) really think no one would notice?

9. Missed oppurtunites. Luke never kills anyone with his lightsaber. Han doesn't die in a heroic sacrifice. Leia doesn't get revenge on Tarkin. Chewbaca never tears anyone's arms off. And how come the Death Star, the size of a planet, only has like, 6 TIE fighters defending it? Why didn't Vader use the Force to choke Luke out in the Death Star trench?

10. Lousy acting. Debbie Reynold's daughter couldn't even be bothered to work out what her accent was. And could Peter Cushing have phoned it in anymore? He was wearing bunny slippers under the table for Pete's sake! Ford just does a lame reprise of his iconic American Graffitti role, and don't get me started on Aunt Beru! Ug!

11. The title. Star WarS??? There's only ONE war going on, dumbasses!

12. Parsecs. Nuff said.

 1. To exclude Chewbacca from a movie is stupid. He is a loveable character and a funny one as well.

2. Think of the special effects back then... And the money. The Fox Board of Directors were pissed off at him for going over budget and kept threatening to shut down his movie.

3. Probably. Parts of the movie came out of his own pocket and he was only allowed an 'X' amount of dollars for his movie.

4. Yeah, he wasn't that great. Besides, he had a rubber mask remember?

5. Well, again, think of the movies back then. It was still evolving. Plus i don't think Lucas could afford stunt doubles. You really expect Count Dooku's actor, forgot his name, to have done the flips in ROTS?

6. He probably did do that on purpose. He wanted to have some comedy in there.

7. Well, the ironic thing about that, is that after Leia blasts the grate, she hits a button and it opens. I dunno, don't ask me, it was prlly a split second idea.

8. Yeah, that was done at the last minute to make it look more threatening. And unless you knew about it, you wouldn't notice it.

9. Luke wasn't a Jedi or training to be one, he had just made the decision. Leia i don't have an answer. Han dying would have been the end of the saga and i don't think Chewy ripping someone's arm off would have kept it rated PG.

10. I don't know what your issue is with the acting. I thought it was done well. Well, Mark Hammill's acting bugged me on a few lines, but Ford was better in this then Jedi.

11. That's the name of the movies. Duh!

12. I don't know

Jeez, do we need to hold up a big sign that says "JOKE" or what?

13. If they blew up Yavin, it's debris would have taken out everyone on the fourth moon.

TheBoost wrote:  Garidian. The only really fascinating character gets the short stick.

The Garidian subplot was much longer but cut by the ratings board as they were going to give the movie a 'R' rating because of all the 'nose' rubbing.  Short stick = death stick.  The Garidian subplot would have mirror the AotC cantina reference, tying the complete Saga completely together in a nice complete windsor knot, completely.

Personally, I would have been satisfied if the whole movie followed Han, Luke and Chewie going around the Death Star shooting out the cameras and other sensors.  I luvs layzerz!

What's the joke? i thought he was serious! Well, as usual i never catch the hint.

Since you were the one to do it, we ran our quill pens through it.

Give him a break, guys.  He cannot write with any style or proper etiquette.  He doesn't know a participle from a predicate.  And where is he from?

Luke does kill several people with his lightsaber, just not directly with the "blade", but with redirected laser shots and also by destroying a speeder bike. (maybe he even kills someone directly with his lightsaber during his escape from the Sarlacc., IIRC)

EDIT: OOps, sorry, I thought about the OT. Not just ANH.

I guess you're right then, lol

Hey! Don't forget the "Force Kick". I hope someone gets the fan edit that at least shows the burn marks from the slices. Sorta like ROTS.

The biggest problem with Star Wars?  It didn't have the signature line that we all love and revere.