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The Rise of Skywalker Expanded Edition by Rae Carson: The Faraday Edit (WIP) — Page 3

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CaptainFaraday said:

Hal 9000 said:

I guess that POS finally just had something really break.

Technically, there’s nothing stopping me from having Poe say this after they crash…

“And then Poe yelled, ‘GOD FUCKING DAMNIT PIECE OF BULLSHIT,’ as he kicked the Falcon’s console, fracturing his ankle.”

From then on, he stays aboard the Falcon and uses a wheelchair at the base before boarding his X-Wing.

Well done. I will disengage self-destruct initiative.

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Hal 9000 said:

CaptainFaraday said:

Hal 9000 said:

I guess that POS finally just had something really break.

Technically, there’s nothing stopping me from having Poe say this after they crash…

“And then Poe yelled, ‘GOD FUCKING DAMNIT PIECE OF BULLSHIT,’ as he kicked the Falcon’s console, fracturing his ankle.”

From then on, he stays aboard the Falcon and uses a wheelchair at the base before boarding his X-Wing.

Poe stared in despair as the wreckage of Wexley’s ship peppered down against the Destroyer’s hull.
Cries of terror and despair were lighting up his comm. They were getting torn apart.
“General!” Tyce called. “Do we retreat?”
“What now?” Someone called.
“What’s our next move?”
His people – his friends – were dying all around him.
“My friends,” Poe said, his voice tremulous. “My ankle still hurts.”

“It’s like rhymetry. They poem.” - Leorge Gucas

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Here’s a comparison between the original and my rewrite of an action scene. I love writing action setpieces, and I have a very specific rhythm I like to use when writing them, which I think is highlighted here. I’ve tried to keep up the pace and make descriptions as fast and easy to understand as possible when I want to keep the excitement rolling, and allow a bit more breathing space and time to imagine the scene when I want to allow the action to ease off and ramp up again. It’s all about controlling that rise and fall, and knowing which moments to make frenetic and breathless for maximum emphasis and fun.

For context, I added a moment earlier during the Pasaana festival where Finn looks at some Aki-Aki children playing with ball-in-cup type toys, where you swing one end of the toy up to the other on a string. I also moved the moment where he maybe uses the Force to a different spot in the chase; I really like that moment, and I didn’t want to remove it entirely.

Original:
https://pastebin.com/axgFyX7a

Edited:
https://pastebin.com/EEd9hbhi

Password for both is CaptainFaraday.

“It’s like rhymetry. They poem.” - Leorge Gucas

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I just thought the pull out on the hilt was added to an old dagger. Like olden day Sith would have used it to match the shape of moons or something and it was adapted to show the DSII wreckage.

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Artan42 said:

I just thought the pull out on the hilt was added to an old dagger. Like olden day Sith would have used it to match the shape of moons or something and it was adapted to show the DSII wreckage.

That’s also a really good option. Although I like the EU wackiness of the Force influencing the Death Star wreckage falling etc etc, I’m ultimately gonna go with either reforging the dagger or adding the hilt to the dagger.

“It’s like rhymetry. They poem.” - Leorge Gucas

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KumoNin said:

You know what my understanding of it was ever since I saw that “dagger outlining the death star wreckage” moment in a theater?

There is the implication that it is an ancient sith dagger. There is the fact that it is completely ridiculous even by TROS standards that whoever made it would go all the way to the wreckage and shape the dagger the way the wreckage is shaped from that angle. There is the fact that Star Wars is mythical and has prophecies and premonitions and other such fantasy stuff.

So I have always just assumed (I don’t know what canon has to say), that it is ancient and the stars alligned that way because something something in-universe poetry, something something the force. It was never a logistics problem. For that matter, why did Palpatine store his pyramid macguffin in a side room on the death star throne room? That moment was also surreal to me. Perhaps he planned to rule from the death star going forward, instead of Coruscant? But anyway, out of all “wait what?” moments in TROS, the dagger-wreckage one is at least pretty neat. And also I like the idea that it was constructed long before the death star.

Except the dagger was clearly made after RotJ, why else would it match with the Death Star wreckage?

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I… mention why, in the comment you quoted. And others in this thread do as well.

reylo?

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Hal 9000 said:

CaptainFaraday said:

Hal 9000 said:

I guess that POS finally just had something really break.

Technically, there’s nothing stopping me from having Poe say this after they crash…

“And then Poe yelled, ‘GOD FUCKING DAMNIT PIECE OF BULLSHIT,’ as he kicked the Falcon’s console, fracturing his ankle.”

God, poor L3…

In the Works:
Legacy of Skywalker Trilogy (ST) Ashes of the Empire, Fate of the Jedi, Legacy of the Force-RoS WIP

Completed:
FotR(NCC)

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I’m editing the text because, obviously, I think it could do with editing. But, let’s not forget there’s a whole slew of great content in there which I’m leaving alone, and which is effectively Rae Carson doing to the movie what I’m doing to her book. For instance, I love this addition to the otherwise completely forgettable Sinking Sands moment:

Rey had just enough time to register that the sand around her was a different colour – more black than ochre – and that she’d seen this kind of sand before…
She sank up to her hips.
Her friends were sinking around her, especially Poe.
“… the hell is this?” he said, trying to extricate himself, but his movement only made him sink faster.
“Sinking fields!” Rey said.
The Sinking Fields of Jakku had taken many an unwary soul. She should have recognized the sand right away.
“Grab onto something!”
But there was nothing to grab onto.

(A few paragraphs later)

Tears filled her eyes as she thrashed against the sand. Rey was going to lose them all. Not to a dark and powerful enemy, but to a natural phenomenon she should have recognized. Jakku was going to have its last word after all.

Every now and again there’s something like that in the book which makes me stop and go “Wow. She was trying to fix this story too, and she largely succeeded.”

“It’s like rhymetry. They poem.” - Leorge Gucas

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Fourth chapter:

https://pastebin.com/3pMfjMrY
Password: CaptainFaraday

Changelog:

  • No reference to Palpatine somehow returning. Instead, the group listens to the transmission Palpatine sent, which Poe and Finn just retrieved.
  • The arbitrary sixteen hour ticking timer is removed.
  • The image of the ships C-3PO shows is lower quality, to make it more believable that it was cautiously recorded and smuggled out.
  • The novel repeatedly mentions Rose in the big print instead of showing her, in an attempt to give her more presence than the film does, but I find this simply highlights her absence. To be less jarring, I’ve removed these references, and given many of the “bit player” roles in the Resistance to Rose instead.
  • Implied the Wayfinder is more of a one-of-a-kind item, instead of something the Sith used to make a bunch of for different things.
  • Tweaked Leia’s reasoning for not wanting Rey to leave to find the Emperor, by making her afraid she’ll lose Rey the way she lost Ben.
  • Removed soft retcons that hand-waved away nobody helping the Resistance at Crait. It’s a cop-out, and lessens the power of Luke’s sacrifice to rally the galaxy to their cause.
  • Changed Rey referring to the Falcon as “her ship” to “Han’s ship.” Rey claiming ownership like that feels out of character, especially considering the dynamic of their relationship in TFA.
  • Removed parts where Luke’s Force Ghost repeatedly tries to contact Leia. It just raises too many questions about why Luke wouldn’t also be contacting Rey, who is desperate to speak to him, and Rey and Leia’s respective Force abilities.

“It’s like rhymetry. They poem.” - Leorge Gucas

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I wrote the Eye of Webbish Bog back into the first chapter, based on my conversation with JarJarBricks. I wanted to lean into an Arthurian legend type of thing; a mystical being who distributes important mysterious artefacts from a body of water, and seems to have knowledge of how the story is going to pan out in the end. I hyphenated the name, because while I understand that Webbish Bog is probably meant to be the name of the body of water they’re standing in, it sounds delightfully Welsh.

First and last lines are from the existing chapter, to give the new bit of text’s placement.

On the altar was a stone chest, large enough that Kylo could have laid down on its roughly hewn lid. With a sweep of his hand the lid was blown away by the Force, water sloshing violently where it tumbled into the lake and stirred up sludge.
But the water continued churning for too long. Kylo looked up.
Something was emerging from the mire behind the altar.
Kylo’s first thought was that it resembled a dianoga, but its singular eye was much larger – at least the size of Kylo’s head, and its pupil a wide horizontal slit, like a Mimbanian goat’s eye. A long sinewy neck rose from the water beneath it, finally revealing a knobbly misshapen body, sheening with wetness, bits of lake detritus clinging to its pasty skin. It was held up by a forest of long, thin, spidery tentacles, like the roots of a mangrove tree.
The creature spoke to Kylo in a soft, distant voice, directly into his head. “I am the Eye of Webbish-Bog. I know what you seek.”
“You will give it to me,” Kylo ordered.
“No need for that,” the Eye said plainly. “Do you really think it would have been left in the stewardship of one who could be swayed so easily by a trick of the Force?”
No, he supposed not.
“I must warn you,” the Eye continued. “If you proceed down this path, you embrace your destiny. You will become who you were meant to be.”
At these words, ambition burned in Kylo. He had killed the past and watched it die, time and time again, and this creature knew it.
“I know what awaits,” he replied. “Where the contents of that chest will take me.”
“Oh yes,” said the Eye. “You know. You certainly know!”
It cocked its head, making an eerie squealing noise. It took a moment for Kylo to realize the creature was laughing at him.
“Yes, you know,” it said. “Embrace your destiny!”
Kylo’s lightsaber burst to life as he raised it above his head, but the Eye of Webbish-Bog had already sunk beneath the water, leaving only an uncannily still surface and the echo of its unpleasant squealing laugh.
Once he was certain the Eye would not return, Kylo deactivated his lightsaber and turned his attention back to the large, open chest in front of him on the altar. Though there was nothing to cast such a shadow, the inside of the chest was dark as night.
He reached inside, and his hand emerged holding a pyramidal object. It fit satisfyingly in his palm, heavy and hot. He stared at it a moment, lost in its red glow.

There are a few bits I’m not happy with, but I won’t specify which because I don’t want to bias any feedback.

“It’s like rhymetry. They poem.” - Leorge Gucas

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Fifth chapter:

https://pastebin.com/s0eHFRiZ
Password: CaptainFaraday

Changelog:

  • Kylo doesn’t reforge the helmet. Removing it in TLJ signified he was no longer Ben Solo hidden under Kylo Ren, but Kylo Ren all the way through. There’s no reason to walk backwards on that visual metaphor, especially when Kylo loses the helmet later in TROS prior to his redemption anyway.
  • Removed Kylo Ren not liking Pryde being unafraid of him. Instead, it’s implied that Pryde is fiercely loyal to whoever is the Supreme Leader.
  • Kylo now chokes General Quinn viciously with the Force, instead of flipping him up onto the roof like a pinball.
  • Changed the spelling of Aki-Aki to Acky Acky, to match the spelling in the screenplay.
  • The puppet show is now about Luke’s heroic stand on Crait.
  • Made Kylo grabbing the necklace through the Force Connection unintentional. It doesn’t make sense that he’d do it on purpose, because neither of them are aware of this skill yet.
  • Broke chapter 5 in half and moved Kylo’s scene on the Star Destroyer up so it flows immediately on from the Force Connection.
  • Implied Thrawn’s database of local art and culture is what allowed the First Order to immediately identify a random necklace from an obscure planet. Kylo also learns Rey is on Pasaana in the Force connection, to narrow the search and make the rapidity with which they find her more believable.
  • Rey’s thoughts when Lando is revealed talk about his wide net of connections to vastly different spheres of influence because of the different stages of his life - smugglers, statesmen, businessmen etc. This sets up for the climax how and why he’d be able to reach such a huge array of people so quickly.

“It’s like rhymetry. They poem.” - Leorge Gucas

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Kylo Ren not reforging the mask misses the point. In TLJ, when he becomes the Supreme Leader he learns from his failures in order to avoid repeating them; at first he wanted the past to die, but then realizes it’s a terrible idea after Rey rejects his offer. Him reforging the mask further solidifies his growth as a character from TLJ and reinforces the “learning from failure” message.

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Regarding the Eye scene, my one recommendation would be that he recognizes he is the heir to Vader (who placed him in charge of guarding it). That should be the main reason he allows Kylo to have it imo. Not sure where you could fit that, though.

Exsqueeze me.

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TestingOutTheTest said:

Kylo Ren not reforging the mask misses the point. In TLJ, when he becomes the Supreme Leader he learns from his failures in order to avoid repeating them; at first he wanted the past to die, but then realizes it’s a terrible idea after Rey rejects his offer. Him reforging the mask further solidifies his growth as a character from TLJ and reinforces the “learning from failure” message.

As far as a fan edit of the film goes, I agree that the mask must stay for obvious reasons. However, I’m interested to see this change because this project is in text form.

I personally feel like Kylo doesn’t learn from his past failures in TLJ because he is the antagonist. Luke does, while he doesn’t (and suffers as a result).

In order to explain why Kylo reforges his mask in film TROS, you kinda have to embrace the idea that he is still trying to let the past die, at least in my opinion. Vader was a separate person figuratively speaking from Anakin, and he tried and failed to erase all pieces of Anakin’s past. This is what Kylo realizes following his grandfather means in TLJ - eliminating all ties to his previous persona, Ben Solo. It was likely Ben Solo who childishly thought wearing a mask would make him more like his grandfather. So he only reforges it once he feels worthy enough to wear it again, as in he feels he has destroyed enough of his past.

Ultimately, that is a kind of complex narrative though. By removing the reforging I feel it will make his journey easier to understand for the average person.

Exsqueeze me.

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Jar Jar Bricks said:

TestingOutTheTest said:

Kylo Ren not reforging the mask misses the point. In TLJ, when he becomes the Supreme Leader he learns from his failures in order to avoid repeating them; at first he wanted the past to die, but then realizes it’s a terrible idea after Rey rejects his offer. Him reforging the mask further solidifies his growth as a character from TLJ and reinforces the “learning from failure” message.

As far as a fan edit of the film goes, I agree that the mask must stay for obvious reasons. However, I’m interested to see this change because this project is in text form.

I personally feel like Kylo doesn’t learn from his failures in TLJ because he is the antagonist. Luke does, while he doesn’t (and suffers as a result).

In order to explain why Kylo reforges his mask in TROS, you kinda have to embrace the idea that he is still trying to let the past die, at least in my opinion. Vader was a separate person figuratively speaking from Anakin, and he tried and failed to erase all pieces of Anakin’s past. This is what Kylo realizes following his grandfather means in TLJ - eliminating all ties to his previous persona, Ben Solo. It was likely Ben Solo who childishly thought wearing a mask would make him more like his grandfather. So he only reforges it once he feels worthy enough to wear it again, as in he feels he has destroyed enough of his past.

Then why the hell does he stop letting the past die in TLJ? At first he wanted to rule with Rey and create something new, destroying the Jedi, Sith, Rebels, etc., but she rejects him and he just decides to become Supreme Leader of the First Order. Because he’s learned from his failures. He’s learned that letting the past die is a BAD idea.

That’s growth.

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TestingOutTheTest said:

Jar Jar Bricks said:

TestingOutTheTest said:

Kylo Ren not reforging the mask misses the point. In TLJ, when he becomes the Supreme Leader he learns from his failures in order to avoid repeating them; at first he wanted the past to die, but then realizes it’s a terrible idea after Rey rejects his offer. Him reforging the mask further solidifies his growth as a character from TLJ and reinforces the “learning from failure” message.

As far as a fan edit of the film goes, I agree that the mask must stay for obvious reasons. However, I’m interested to see this change because this project is in text form.

I personally feel like Kylo doesn’t learn from his failures in TLJ because he is the antagonist. Luke does, while he doesn’t (and suffers as a result).

In order to explain why Kylo reforges his mask in TROS, you kinda have to embrace the idea that he is still trying to let the past die, at least in my opinion. Vader was a separate person figuratively speaking from Anakin, and he tried and failed to erase all pieces of Anakin’s past. This is what Kylo realizes following his grandfather means in TLJ - eliminating all ties to his previous persona, Ben Solo. It was likely Ben Solo who childishly thought wearing a mask would make him more like his grandfather. So he only reforges it once he feels worthy enough to wear it again, as in he feels he has destroyed enough of his past.

Then why the hell does he stop letting the past die in TLJ? At first he wanted to rule with Rey and create something new, destroying the Jedi, Sith, Rebels, etc., but she rejects him and he just decides to become Supreme Leader of the First Order. Because he’s learned from his failures. He’s learned that letting the past die is a BAD idea.

That’s growth.

I’d rather not drag this conversation out any further because it isn’t releated to this fan edit of the novelization, but I will respond one more time to this.

Arguably, ruling as the Supreme Leader of the First Order IS something new and different from the past. Kylo is not a Sith ruler. He was simply offering Rey the position of Co-Supreme Leader.

It’s all Vader ever wanted as well - ruling the galaxy with his family. He didn’t care about the Sith or the Jedi. He just wanted him, his wife, and children to “make things the way we want them to be.” He was willing to kill all other ties in his past in order to make that happen.

Exsqueeze me.

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I’m inclined to agree with JarJarBricks here. While the movie might support that interpretation, the novel is pretty explicit that Kylo is still adamantly set on the past dying, and that he intends to usurp Palpatine after the Emperor has outlived his usefulness to him, creating a new rule with Rey.

As for the Eye recognising Kylo as the heir of Vader, I personally figure that’s only relevant as an answer to the question “Why would the Eye let him take the Wayfinder,” and I’m fine with leaving that somewhat ambiguous. The same way the Force is simply the will of the narrative in Star Wars, I like having the Eye as a mystical being who moves the plot along its path like similar characters did in old myths. That’s just me, though.

“It’s like rhymetry. They poem.” - Leorge Gucas

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Yeah like I said it would be somewhat difficult to include in there. I agree that he is much better served as an unexplained deity that supernaturally knows how the story ends for the main character. But I feel it wouldn’t hurt for him to know even more about Kylo (his heritage).

If I was to modify what you have written it would be like the following (changes in bold):

The creature spoke to Kylo in a soft, distant voice, directly into his head. “I am the Eye of Webbish-Bog. I know what you seek, heir of Vader.”
“You will give it to me,” Kylo ordered with a wave of his hand.
“No need for that,” the Eye said plainly. “Do you really think your grandfather would have left it in the stewardship of one who could be swayed so easily by a trick of the Force?”
No, he supposed not.
“I must warn you,” the Eye continued. “If you proceed down this path, you will embrace your destiny. You will become what you were meant to be.”
At these words, ambition burned in Kylo. He had killed the past and watched it die, time and time again, only for it return to haunt him. This creature knew it.
“I know what awaits,” he replied. “Where the contents of that chest will take me.”
“Oh yes,” said the Eye. “You know. You certainly know!”
It cocked its head, making an eerie squealing noise. It took a moment for Kylo to realize the creature was laughing at him.
“Yes, you know,” it said. “Finish what he started!”
Kylo’s lightsaber burst to life as he raised it above his head, but the Eye of Webbish-Bog had already sunk beneath the water, leaving only an uncannily still surface and the echo of its unpleasant squealing laugh.

The final line has a double meaning. Vader wanted to rule the galaxy, but also his original intentions were to save the one he cares about from dying (which is what Ben ends up doing with Rey).

Exsqueeze me.

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That’s great! Definitely an improvement, I’ll add it in if that’s alright. I was worried that it would overcomplicate the core idea being conveyed, but it just strengthens it. And that final line is fantastic as a result; the final line I’d written was the part I was least happy with, too.

“It’s like rhymetry. They poem.” - Leorge Gucas

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CaptainFaraday said:

I’m inclined to agree with JarJarBricks here. While the movie might support that interpretation, the novel is pretty explicit that Kylo is still adamantly set on the past dying, and that he intends to usurp Palpatine after the Emperor has outlived his usefulness to him, creating a new rule with Rey.

As for the Eye recognising Kylo as the heir of Vader, I personally figure that’s only relevant as an answer to the question “Why would the Eye let him take the Wayfinder,” and I’m fine with leaving that somewhat ambiguous. The same way the Force is simply the will of the narrative in Star Wars, I like having the Eye as a mystical being who moves the plot along its path like similar characters did in old myths. That’s just me, though.

Yeah, I forgot that your edit is regarding just the novelization and not the actual film; novelizations tend to use the surface of the plot of films and, as far as I’m concerned(?), tend to avoid using inferences for specific details from the actual film. For example, I believe the TRoS novel ignores the whole “Rey has low self-esteem” thing, whereas the arc is inferable from the actual film itself.

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TestingOutTheTest said:

Yeah, I forgot that your edit is regarding just the novelization and not the actual film; novelizations tend to use the surface of the plot of films and, as far as I’m concerned(?), tend to avoid using inferences for specific details from the actual film. For example, I believe the TRoS novel ignores the whole “Rey has low self-esteem” thing, whereas the arc is inferable from the actual film itself.

The subtext of a film is very open to interpretation; you can apply any kind of analytical framework to a movie and come away with interesting results. The Star Wars novelisations, at least to my experience, tend to spell out their themes and subtext a lot more explicitly - so the novelisation ends up being Rae Carson’s interpretation of the film’s subtext. That’s not always going to be the same as my interpretation, or yours, or someone else’s. And that’s fine! That’s what’s interesting about analysing fiction.

That said, however, I do think there are more accurate and less accurate interpretations of what subtext the filmmakers were intending to convey. That’s why analytical essays search through texts for explicit evidence that supports their interpretations and assertions. I’m trying not to stray too far from what I believe are Carson’s intended themes and subtext, unless I think it could be changed to something that’s better supported by the text.

TROS is a bit scattershot (which is understandable, given its writing and production process), and Carson has done her best to bring all of the bits in line with the ST’s overall thematic trajectory. I’m just trying to strengthen those attempts, basically.

“It’s like rhymetry. They poem.” - Leorge Gucas

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CaptainFaraday said:

That’s great! Definitely an improvement, I’ll add it in if that’s alright. I was worried that it would overcomplicate the core idea being conveyed, but it just strengthens it. And that final line is fantastic as a result; the final line I’d written was the part I was least happy with, too.

Nope it’s fine you can use it. That’s why I wrote it out in the first place lol.

One question though: is the reason Kylo tries to strike down the Eye because he is creeped out by how much he knows about him and his past? I tried to modify his lines to be a copy/paste of Kylo’s lines from TFA/TLJ because I thought that might be what you were going for.

EDIT: Maybe to make it clear why he would want him dead, have his first line be something like: "I know what you seek, and then some, heir of Vader.

Exsqueeze me.

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I figure he realises this is an entity that he doesn’t fully understand. And the easiest way to solve something you don’t understand is to get rid of it. Then he can take its words at face value to mean what he wants them to mean.

“It’s like rhymetry. They poem.” - Leorge Gucas

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I wrote this snippet way back when I first thought of this project. I really wanted an actual payoff to the heavily-marketed image of C-3PO toting Chewbacca’s bandolier and bowcaster. However, I hadn’t seen TROS in a while when I wrote it, and I’d forgotten two key things: first, that C-3PO’s memory is wiped at the time, and second, that R2D2 is back at the Resistance base. So I probably won’t be able to insert this anywhere, sadly. Regardless, please enjoy:

R2D2 beeped emphatically.
“What do you mean, ‘open fire’!?” C-3PO wailed. “Artoo, I could never - !”
R2D2 swung his chassis forwards and headbutted his friend’s elbow. The bowcaster went off, and sent three stormtroopers flying into the air.
“Oh my goodness!” screamed a startled C-3PO.

“It’s like rhymetry. They poem.” - Leorge Gucas