I saw this early this morning on two hours of sleep and I haven’t had any more, so I’m definitely in a fit state to talk about this film.
I liked it.
The crawl lands like a passenger airline on an L.A. expressway and crashes into the first scene, killing everyone. I don’t know if Kylo was fighting the Knights of Ren or helping them kill some other people and I don’t think it matters. What matters is that while rooting around in the garbage behind Rian’s apartment JJ also managed to rescue the pieces of Kylo’s mask and welded them back together with his own blood. An alien tells R2 via SATA cable that Sheeve is back and has to outrun some TIE fighters, but makes them so mad that they forget they can’t go into Hyperspace for a minute, but they can’t catch the Falcon because it has gone so fast that it is on fire.
Meanwhile Rey is in the jungle with too much Force power and little by little is going insane.
Everyone decides to get out of the jungle and go to the desert to find a magical D4 or a dagger or something that leads to Sheeve. Rey gets a nice necklace from an alien and then has it immediately stolen by Kylo despite him not being there, and who is apparently jealous that someone else is giving her jewelry. They find the Horcrux after conquering Devil’s Snare and befriending the Basilisk, but it is stolen by some bad Quiddich players who also make off with its bearer, Chewbacca. Rey shoots spells at them and blows them up and is sad about killing Chewie, whom she doesn’t sense in the transport during any of this despite that being something she can do effortlessly.
Kylo flies straight at Rey with an entire spaceship and loses. This is the most normal part of the scene.
Anyway, C-3PO needs to nuke his hard drive to read some Black Speech and to do that they need a hacker, so they go to a planet where the First Order is harvesting babies to meet Poe’s old buddy Mask Lady and her puppet friend. Mask Lady has a medallion that makes the First Order act extra stupid for one scene and gives it to Poe, who immediately spends it, and this makes Hux stupid for the rest of his dumb life. It also allows our heroes to rescue Chewie, who was only dead inside, and also steal the dagger from the prop department before they could finish it.
The Falcon crashes onto Endor because it has no landing gear and is too tired at this point to hover.
Rey goes to the complex of Extremely Expensive and Devastating Distractions (E2-D2) and is distracted by an evil version of herself into rolling a 1 on her magic D4, causing it to be picked up by Kylo who then fights her. She rolls another 1, and is defeated. Leia must spend her last action on an E2-D2, and when Kylo rolls to save he is defeated as well. Rey has a free action which she uses to heal Kylo, then takes the D4 and Kylo’s second spaceship to Luke’s island, where it bursts into flames. It is unclear whether this is simply how Kylo’s spaceships are designed to land.
Luke demands that Rey leave and throws his gross, waterlogged spaceship at her.
Rey finally faces Sheeve, champing at the bit to finally kill this monster. Sheeve gleefully cackles that he wants Rey to kill him so that his consciousness may flow into her and he will be immortal, and then checks himself with a ‘shit, did I really say that out loud’ expression. This ruins his whole plan.
Meanwhile, Rose, Finn and Jannah.
Meanwhile there are many Star Destroyers and, in keeping with their namesake, each one is capable of destroying an entire planet.
Meanwhile, the Falcon visits approximately 1,138 planets on its newly installed Recruitment Drive.
Kylo reminds everyone that he is still in the movie but he has foolishly thrown away his lightsaber after hallucinating an image of his dead father. Luckily, Rey has an extra one from where Luke was throwing things at her, and distracts the editor long enough to phase between locations and give it to him. They both face Sheeve, who drains them of their will to live and then gets to work on their life force. He throws Kylo down a big pit, knowing that this will surely kill him.
There is a cavalry charge on top of a spaceship. This is the most normal part of the scene.
I forget how Sheeve dies. I blame Klaud. Maybe Klaud did it. Maybe he did all of this. I don’t know anymore.
Rey dies. Kylo emerges from the pit and brings Rey back to life at the cost of his own. Rey, upon awakening and seeking Kylo dead, brings Kylo back to life at the cost of her own. This continues for some time. They kiss. One of them dies, I don’t care which.
At the end there is a funeral for Snap Wexley and he posthumously gets the medal intended for Chewie. There are cheers and warm embraces, all live in the light of a new day for this, the galaxy reborn. The yoke of the First Order, which has lain heavy across much of the galaxy for a few weeks, has been lifted. The Rule of Palpatine, which lasted for thirty years and eight hours, is ended forever. Bask in this light, galaxy of peace.
Rey gets a yellow lightsaber. The camera falls to the ground, where it continues recording for several seconds.