I’m deliberately going back to it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but it’s like some sort of compulsion. I “forgot” my phone all day at work today, and when I came home, I ran to it and ran to this particularly nasty new one that bothers the most yet. Something must be wrong with me 😦. I was barely able to get out of bed this morning.
There is obviously something you like about the nastiness that compels you to have it. Maybe an exorcist could help?
😉
I’m deliberately going back to it. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but it’s like some sort of compulsion. I “forgot” my phone all day at work today, and when I came home, I ran to it and ran to this particularly nasty new one that bothers the most yet. Something must be wrong with me 😦. I was barely able to get out of bed this morning.
My completely uninformed take: You get a fight-or-flight (adrenaline or somesuch) rush when you encounter someone being truly vile like that. But by just reading some screed on your phone, you just get the hormonal rush without any real danger to your person. IMO it’s like watching a horror movie. You don’t actually like murder but OMG did you see that disembowelment?!? You may not actually consciously enjoy the feeling–in fact you may consciously hate it–but your body/subconscious may crave the hormonal stimulation derived from it nevertheless.
As for solutions: all I see are OCD medication and substitution. OCD medication sounds like it’s already being worked on (lots of trial and error I’m afraid), but you could try substitution. Find something else that gives you the same rush. Honestly I’d try lots of exercise first–if you can manage to get your hormonal fix via runner’s highs (or swimming or biking or whatnot), that’s way better on you emotionally and physically than these hateful screeds.
EDIT: I guess I should also mention that many people with OCD self-medicate with enormous amounts of stimulants (“A Plague of Tics” by David Sedaris comes to mind–his “cure” was chain smoking). It’s not really the recommended path, but if you just gave up coffee and/or cigarettes and now your OCD is acting up, well… That said, depending on the person caffeine and nicotine may not be strong enough stimulants, and then you have other reasons you should avoid the self-medication path (expensive/illegal/dangerous take your pick).
As for “something must be wrong with me”, I hope you can get to the point where this can be something you manage and channel, and not something you hate. Not to tie our situations too tightly together, but I did subtitle Star Wars in 38 languages, 36 of which are complete gibberish to me. It was definitely not done entirely out of the kindness of my own heart. By all reasonable measures, something must be wrong with me too. But I’ve reached a place in my life where I’m cool with that, and I hope you can reach a similar place yourself.
Vile? Maybe just honest. There’s some harsh but accurate criticism out there. It I’ve always known that and been able to take it on the chin. This feel like an inexplicable obsession. I need a distance intellectually. I’m still not sure if this is straight-up OCD; for it to simply manifest itself for No reason when I’m almost 30 just makes no sense to me. Why would that happen biologically? I’m looking at medication, but it’s a slow process, and that’s hard when you’re hurting. It’s hard to even want to get out of bed, much less excercise. But I know what you mean. I don’t self-medicate; no caffeine, cigarettes, weed, or booze. Just want the doctor prescribes. I just wish it was working better.
“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”
Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death
Vile? Maybe just honest. There’s some harsh but accurate criticism out there.
To be fair, I don’t actually know this Matt Dillahunty person from a hole in the ground. But if your description of “anti-Catholic” was accurate, vile works fine for me. This is probably Religion or Politics forum stuff, but I’m atheist myself and it pisses me off to no end that Dawkins and his crowd think being technically correct gives them the right to be complete assholes to the rest of the world. It’s like they feel atheism is a Get Out of Decency Free card. But I may have been reading too much into what you were reading from this other guy.
I’m still not sure if this is straight-up OCD; for it to simply manifest itself for No reason when I’m almost 30 just makes no sense to me.
This is a pretty new and still-controversial diagnosis, but have you asked about PANDAS? The “P” is for “pediatric” meaning for children, but it does describe the sudden onset of OCD where none was present before. Maybe there’s an adult equivalent? Again, fair warning, it’s a brand-spanking-new diagnosis and hasn’t even had enough time to differentiate itself from the pseudoscience-of-the-week (and it may well end up being a dead end upon further review), so you’re likely to get a raised eyebrow at the very least for even discussing this. Still, others have reported the sudden onset of OCD behaviors, regardless of the cause.
The downside of new diagnoses is that the therapies are even less proven, if they exist at all.
Vile? Maybe just honest. There’s some harsh but accurate criticism out there. It I’ve always known that and been able to take it on the chin. This feel like an inexplicable obsession. I need a distance intellectually. I’m still not sure if this is straight-up OCD; for it to simply manifest itself for No reason when I’m almost 30 just makes no sense to me. Why would that happen biologically? I’m looking at medication, but it’s a slow process, and that’s hard when you’re hurting. It’s hard to even want to get out of bed, much less excercise. But I know what you mean. I don’t self-medicate; no caffeine, cigarettes, weed, or booze. Just want the doctor prescribes. I just wish it was working better.
As we get older our bodies and their chemistry do change. It could very well be the case here. Since I’m not a certified and/or licensed physician I can only guess as good as you can. The fact that you started getting help was the right move to make. Keep moving forward. That is what is important to keep doing. I support you. 😃
z
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If you go back several pages you can find a post about me meeting a really nice girl at a camp I went to. It’s long and I don’t feel like quoting it. Anyway, we’ve been texting each other for a few weeks now and a couple nights ago she admitted that she really likes me. It shook me up a bit… a lot. We live about two hours apart, but she seems interested in a long distance relationship, but do those ever work out? Are those “real?” This is all very new to me.
Okay, end of childish nonsense post.
Long distance relationships can work, and well. They can also fail spectacularly. In other words, they’re a lot like close-distance relationships, except totally different 😉
However, something in the back of my mind is urging me to admonish you, “You better check yourself before you wreck yourself.” Lots of gay men find girlfriends, get married, raise families, and then… well, I’m just saying. Be a little surer of yourself than you sounded a few pages back, cause “avoiding the issue” isn’t really an option–it’s more like “delaying the issue and increasing the stakes”.
Doctor raised up the Abilify. My mother is more than a little concerned about Lemnos taking three different psychotropic drugs. He told me I can take more of the Klonopin, but frankly, it’s a Benzedrine, and I’m a little scared to. I’ve heard lots of addiction horror stories. I’m still on the Prozac as usual. Part of me just keeps saying “give me more until I feel better,” but part of me is scared that I’m too reliant on them or have too much faith (heh) in them. My dad just approached me, saying he’s sad to see me so miserable and my mother is deeply concerned about the drugs. The doctor is an odd guy, but he’s a professional MD, and my dad’s trusted him for longer than I’ve been alive. I’m just scared. My dad just sat down and said it hurts him so much to see me so miserable and mother is deeply worried about the medications. I hate hurting them almost more than I hate how much I hurt.
I hope I don’t monopolize this thread. God knows, there are other people here with problems.
“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”
Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death
Doctor raised up the Abilify. My mother is more than a little concerned about Lemnos taking three different psychotropic drugs. He told me I can take more of the Klonopin, but frankly, it’s a Benzedrine, and I’m a little scared to. I’ve heard lots of addiction horror stories. I’m still on the Prozac as usual. Part of me just keeps saying “give me more until I feel better,” but part of me is scared that I’m too reliant on them or have too much faith (heh) in them. My dad just approached me, saying he’s sad to see me so miserable and my mother is deeply concerned about the drugs. The doctor is an odd guy, but he’s a professional MD, and my dad’s trusted him for longer than I’ve been alive. I’m just scared. My dad just sat down and said it hurts him so much to see me so miserable and mother is deeply worried about the medications. I hate hurting them almost more than I hate how much I hurt.
I hope I don’t monopolize this thread. God knows, there are other people here with problems.
A few things to consider … you haven’t been on the medication long enough to be life reliant on them. Maybe consider having your parents go with you to the doctor once. Maybe them knowing a bit more about why you’re being medically treated as you are will help them better understand and may be even bring them a little closer to you. It might bring them in to the fold to help you as they can. It is not your fault so you shouldn’t beat yourself up, it is counterproductive to your healing and future well being. Take it slow, stay steady, and be honest. Much support to you.
😃
If you go back several pages you can find a post about me meeting a really nice girl at a camp I went to. It’s long and I don’t feel like quoting it. Anyway, we’ve been texting each other for a few weeks now and a couple nights ago she admitted that she really likes me. It shook me up a bit… a lot. We live about two hours apart, but she seems interested in a long distance relationship, but do those ever work out? Are those “real?” This is all very new to me.
Okay, end of childish nonsense post.
CatBus summed it up nicely, yeah, they are real.
Speaking as someone who has been in a couple of long distance relationships, I will say they can be trying. Both had a sort of “doomed from the start” sense to them but what’s ultimately important is that I don’t regret either of them. Yeah, they both ran their course eventually - one only a few months and the other much longer (and would have lasted even longer than that if it had been up to me) - but most relationships do.
Especially at your age, you shouldn’t be worried about whether a relationship will really “work out.” What’s most important isn’t if you think the relationship will ultimately end (as all do, in one way or another), it’s whether you think you’d want to be in that relationship at all. For how long doesn’t matter, it could last a day or it could last forever, point is that’s something you can’t know until you start. Right now, it’s really as simple as do you like her? and do you want to be in a relationship with her?
This is where CatBus’s other point comes in. You shouldn’t feel like you have to date a girl to prove you’re not gay. But you also shouldn’t feel like you can’t date a girl because you also like guys. Point being, don’t worry about gay, straight, don’t worry about how people perceive you, focus on your feelings - do you like the girl and would you want to be in a relationship with her? A simple question, and your answer (and only yours) will tell you everything you need to know.
I married mine.
You married your long-distance relationship? How does your wife feel about that?
Shhhhh.
ALLOL
I mean we lived in the same state at one time.
You shouldn’t feel like you have to date a girl to prove you’re not gay. But you also shouldn’t feel like you can’t date a girl because you also like guys. Point being, don’t worry about gay, straight, don’t worry about how people perceive you, focus on your feelings - do you like the girl and would you want to be in a relationship with her? A simple question, and your answer (and only yours) will tell you everything you need to know.
A much better and less hard-ass answer than mine, thanks. Frankly coffee’s probably got a lot of feelings going on right now so sorting them out isn’t going to be exactly easy.
But think to yourself: what are the things you like most about this development? That she likes you? That she makes the thought of Thanksgiving with the parents and significant other a whole lot less complicated? That the long distance takes some of the physical pressure off? These are “hmm” answers.
Or is it that you like her? This is a “yay” answer. Unfortunately you may have a mix that changes with your mood. That’s normal. Welcome to hormone city–population you.
In Middle school, I talked to girls and all but had an abusive friend who ridiculed me and discouraged me anytime I tried to talk to girls. Slowly I lost that motivation and was following the Mormon rule of dating without even having to try. This friend of mine moved and that was definitely for the better. But the effects of his bullying remained and I still had no self confidence to talk to girls.
That individual was never your friend, they were your enemy. Friends are supposed to lift you up, inspire and support you as best as they can - anyone who behaves otherwise is an enemy, to be avoided at all costs. I knew someone who claimed to be my best friend but yet they began seizing upon any opportunity to belittle me (in front of others for maximum damage) about my weight. Eventually, I froze them out of my life and I’ve got no regrets about doing so.
Happy people want to spread happiness as far and as wide as possible. Happy people want to see others succeed in life, be it in relationships, aspirations or general well being. People who feel the need to lower the self-esteem of others and create insecurities within others through emotional abuse, nearly always suffer from serious inadequacies, insecurities and general unhappiness. They project all of their dysfunctions (especially self-loathing) onto others but it’s more of a reflection on how sad and pathetic they are on the inside.
“Logic is the battlefield of adulthood.”
Abilify is up to 10mg. The doctor said I can experiment a little with the Klonopin. My mother is a nervous wreck about sucking down there psychotropics. The side effects so far-fatigue and soreness-suck, and the intrusive thoughts still sort of come and go. I know, it’s been a few days, be patient. But fuck, it’s hard. My fat butt has gained a little weight too, and unhealthy. To be fair, all it does is rain; I may excercise if it ever warms up. God, this is hard. I’m scared of the drugs and the side effects, but when they help even a little, I want to say “gimme more.” Klonopin is a Benzedrine, and I’m really scared of the prospect of addiction. I just want to be fucking normal again.
“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”
Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death
Abilify is up to 10mg. The doctor said I can experiment a little with the Klonopin. My mother is a nervous wreck about sucking down there psychotropics. The side effects so far-fatigue and soreness-suck, and the intrusive thoughts still sort of come and go. I know, it’s been a few days, be patient. But fuck, it’s hard. My fat butt has gained a little weight too, and unhealthy. To be fair, all it does is rain; I may excercise if it ever warms up. God, this is hard. I’m scared of the drugs and the side effects, but when they help even a little, I want to say “gimme more.” Klonopin is a Benzedrine, and I’m really scared of the prospect of addiction. I just want to be fucking normal again.
I don’t see that you’re “sucking” down the psychotropics. You are taking them as prescribed which would be in a timed fashion per day. As for the exercise … there is plenty you can do at home when weather is inclement. If you are truly worried about the Kolonopin then maybe you should just ask for something else due to your fear. As long as you respect the medication and only take it as prescribed you should not be worrying about something that might be helping you.
I’d like to ask what you consider “normal”? Maybe understanding the actual goal you are trying to reach would help your parents and those of us that support you do so better.
Abilify is up to 10mg. The doctor said I can experiment a little with the Klonopin. My mother is a nervous wreck about sucking down there psychotropics. The side effects so far-fatigue and soreness-suck, and the intrusive thoughts still sort of come and go. I know, it’s been a few days, be patient. But fuck, it’s hard. My fat butt has gained a little weight too, and unhealthy. To be fair, all it does is rain; I may excercise if it ever warms up. God, this is hard. I’m scared of the drugs and the side effects, but when they help even a little, I want to say “gimme more.” Klonopin is a Benzedrine, and I’m really scared of the prospect of addiction. I just want to be fucking normal again.
Make sure your doctor knows all the the side effects you are experiencing.
^Good reminder.
If you go back several pages you can find a post about me meeting a really nice girl at a camp I went to. It’s long and I don’t feel like quoting it. Anyway, we’ve been texting each other for a few weeks now and a couple nights ago she admitted that she really likes me. It shook me up a bit… a lot. We live about two hours apart, but she seems interested in a long distance relationship, but do those ever work out? Are those “real?” This is all very new to me.
Okay, end of childish nonsense post.
CatBus summed it up nicely, yeah, they are real.
Speaking as someone who has been in a couple of long distance relationships, I will say they can be trying. Both had a sort of “doomed from the start” sense to them but what’s ultimately important is that I don’t regret either of them. Yeah, they both ran their course eventually - one only a few months and the other much longer (and would have lasted even longer than that if it had been up to me) - but most relationships do.
Especially at your age, you shouldn’t be worried about whether a relationship will really “work out.” What’s most important isn’t if you think the relationship will ultimately end (as all do, in one way or another), it’s whether you think you’d want to be in that relationship at all. For how long doesn’t matter, it could last a day or it could last forever, point is that’s something you can’t know until you start. Right now, it’s really as simple as do you like her? and do you want to be in a relationship with her?
This is where CatBus’s other point comes in. You shouldn’t feel like you have to date a girl to prove you’re not gay. But you also shouldn’t feel like you can’t date a girl because you also like guys. Point being, don’t worry about gay, straight, don’t worry about how people perceive you, focus on your feelings - do you like the girl and would you want to be in a relationship with her? A simple question, and your answer (and only yours) will tell you everything you need to know.
This is perfect advice.
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Absolutely glad to hear it. 😃