As I mentioned over in another thread, in spite of having no personal participation and being fairly secure in my own beliefs (Short version: raised Catholic, gave me a good education a lot of moral values, wasn’t a literalist basically kept what I liked [respect for others, forgiveness, kindness, and some humility], chucked out most of the right-wing political attitudes, mostly felt like overall, it made me a good person and felt pretty satisfied with it it, always had a live-and-let policy as regarded religion, never forced anything I thought on others and never had anything forced on me, overall was pretty satisfied and comfortable.), I stumbled into a blazing theological row over at DVD Talk (Complete with videos!), and wound up in a weird panic attack. This is fine, they’ve happens before, but this one seems to be going on for days. I have Aspergers, depression, some panic attacks, and I’ve long suspected some mild OCD. All of a sudden all of this worry about about something I had not only made my own decisions about long ago, but have heard at least 1,000 times before on Bones, House, True Detective, and countless other things, keeps running in OCD loops in my head. It’s like a buzzing in my brain, it’s driving me insane! I’m fucking sick of this shit! I was finally past all of this. My life was messed up enough-living with my parents working a dead-end job in spite of having a college degree, being almost 29, and needing therapy for a long time-I didn’t need this madness returning to me. Do I seriously think I can solve the meaning of life in an Internet debate or on a cycle in my head! I haven’t had my anxiety go on this long for a long time, and I know that I’m being entirely silly! Why won’t this shit stop?!
Sorry. Just wanted to get that off of my chest. This is incredibly stupid. My DVR is accumulating things because I haven’t been watching them. I can function at work, but I don’t understand why I can just relax and take my mind off of things, especially since, and I cannot stress this enough, I’ve been through all of this many times before. I’ve my usual sensory overload: playing some video games while listening to aduiobooks and DVD commentaries (side note: Christopher Frayling’s stuff on Sergio Leome discs is gold), but it doesn’t seem to have stopped the endless static my brain seems to be offering up. It’s maddening. I just want to be relaxed again, so I can worry about my actual problems and go to work and work and not have to fight this at the same time.
According to what I’ve been reading, “stuck thoughts” are an actual concept in psychology. This sounds like what I’m reading about. I try to shift my thoughts towards countless other things, but my head feels so scrambled and keeps retuning me to stupid stuff. It’s driving me nuts.
Apologies to everybody for the babbling, just wanted to get that off my chest.
