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Quoth the Warbler, *sigh*.
Ceci n’est pas une signature.
The Place to Go for Emotional Support — Page 13
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?
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I wish that were so.
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I dismiss everything. None of you even exist.
I don’t exist? : (
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Depends who you ask. If you ask me, for example, then I say yes you do exist. But only as a figment of my imagination.
And golly do I hope you don’t have access to my other thoughts.
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*sigh* : (
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I dismiss everything. None of you even exist.
I don’t exist? : (
Who said that?
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*sigh*
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I sigh, therefore I am.
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sigh
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I think I’m running out of rope. Or something. I’m finding it hard to care about anything anymore. Except for things which have no solution. I’m not even sure if I’d say I’m miserable, I’m just so grey feeling that it seems like misery. It’s not that there’s really anything bad about my life, it’s just that there’s nothing that gives me joy in life any more. My friends have all become very distant (at least partially by my doing, I’m sure) and I’m not close to anybody any more. I don’t talk to anybody any more. People at work wonder “why I’m not funny any more”. I only eat once a day, if that.
The time is coming soon that I’m going to have to tell the woman that I love how I feel. She doesn’t know. And I know that while she may care, she doesn’t feel the same way about me. It feels like she’s my only real friend left, although that may be just because I’ve unintentionally put her on a pedestal, but either way, it isn’t good. I don’t see the friendship continuing once I tell her. Not that she would abandon me, but I don’t think I could continue seeing her once I know that she knows. So there’ll go the last shred of joy I have. Not that it matters, it doesn’t give me any joy any more. Nothing good is going to come from me telling her, but I just don’t think I can keep it secret any more and it’s time I was honest.
There’s nothing bad about my life, but there’s nothing giving me any kind of joy whatsoever any more. I just feel such an intense nothingness that I may as well not be alive. (And that’s not me being suicidal, it’s just an illustration of how little I am actually living these days) I used to have my music, but I just don’t feel it any more. My alcoholism and drug use honestly hasn’t gotten any worse, but it hasn’t gotten any better either. That may be part of the reason I feel so grey. For such a long time when I started feeling this way I would just up my dosage of one or the other. And it’s not that I can’t just up the dose again, but I guess I’ve just reached a point where I don’t see the point in doing any more because I just don’t have any hope any more. Before I could just do more because I felt like it could help, even if I knew it would only be for a while. Now, even though I could do more, I don’t, because I know I’ll just be a little less coherent but still miserable. Bleck.
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Feel free to ignore this, free advice often being worth the price.
You’ve pretty much described the dictionary definition of depression. The meds work, if you can find the right ones. A lot of people are reluctant to go that route, but really, c’mon, here’s one problem in life that you can actually take a pill for–please consider it. I’m not a doctor, counselor, blah blah blah. But seriously, sometimes you need a crutch to get back on your feet, and sometimes it turns out you need it for your whole life. Pills are a pretty minor inconvenience in the grand scheme of things–find a professional, talk to them, see if they think a prescription would help. Also, major changes of scene can do wonders, if you have the means.
Also, metaphorically speaking, it’s a good idea to get your house in a reasonably orderly state if you want people to start staying there with you. Honesty is good, but there’s still such thing as timing. Don’t rush things unnecessarily.
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listen to what CatBus is saying. He is correct. You need professional help. Please get it.
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It was good advice, I’m not sure if I’m really in a position to take it though. I have a couple of concerns. The last time I went to a counseling session, it cost me almost $400 dollars for a 30 minute session, even though I have insurance. I don’t really understand how that’s possible, hopefully I can find some other place to go to that wouldn’t be so outrageous, as that’s an entire week’s pay for me.
Also, I’d have to somehow quit drinking alcohol and getting high if I were to take antidepressants, as the two don’t mix, and that would be a whole 'nother obstacle. And a big one. If I go more than about 5 hours without a drink my muscles already start aching and I feel pressure in my chest. The pressure in my chest I’m sure is anxiety, but still. I don’t want to die of a heart attack for trying to quit drinking, and I’m sure I couldn’t afford rehab.
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You could die of drinking, especially if you are drinking as much as you say you are. For the drinking, try A.A.
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You really have to browse around for free/cheap mental health/addiction services, or places that have a “sliding scale” payment plan, where you’re essentially subsidized by other people, or stuff like that. A lot of that is pretty steeped in various churches, so that may be an issue (you can always fake being religious in a program like AA, but dishonesty is often counterproductive when getting sober, so I’m not sure someone like me could ever get any benefit from AA). Another option (at least assuming you’re in the US) is to find a “just for the benefits” job. i.e. something that may be a little soul-killing and doesn’t offer any sort of future in its own right, but offers good health benefits. Another option is moving, at least in the short term, to a place with better access to healthcare, long enough to get this sorted out. If alcohol is an issue, I recommend against Australia 😉
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Well I have decent health insurance, it’s just whether or not I can spare the money for deductibles and stuff. So the main problem is just finding a reasonable place.
Also, don’t worry about me dying Warb. The problem with me is the frequency, not the quantity. As in I drink way too often, but I don’t very often have more than 3 or 4 drinks in a sitting. So I’ll have about 9 or 10 drinks in a day, which yes is quite excessive, but I don’t think very likely to cause me to just fall over and die.
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9 to 10 drinks a day!?!? Think about what that is doing to your liver!
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Yeah, 9 to 10 a day is a health problem. Not like alcohol poisoning or anything that will show up right away, but more like liver damage and stuff that slowly accumulates for years. Yes, you can go for years and years at that rate with no signs of health problems, and then suddenly your liver gives out and you have a big problem all at once. Warbler is right–there is some urgency, even if it’s not apparent at all right now. By the time it finally shows up it will be very hard to deal with.
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Yeah but I’m really thinking that’s not so bad anyway. Not that I want to kill myself right now, but I don’t necessarily want to live very much longer anyway. And who knows, if in the meantime I find a good enough reason to live life, I can quit then. I don’t have much to live for right now. Once again, I’d like to reiterate that my life isn’t bad at all, I just don’t much care for it. If that every changes then I’ll consider changing.
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Fuck fuck fuck fuck. I am just so fucking sick at heart and angry and depressed right now. I saw more madness in the news. Another mass shooting in California at place that helps the disabled and needy and what the fuck is wrong with humanity!!! In the mist of all that, I try to put up the Christmas lights. We’ve always had a fight with mom about the Christmas lights. She is afraid we will break something in the living room, There are some fragile and expensive things there. We today despite how careful I thought I was being. I broke a lampshade. At the time we thought the lamp had broken. Turns out it was just the shade. Mom got real upset at the time we thought the lamp itself was broken. It was enough for me to decide not to put lights up again. I am just so mad at myself and depressed for being so stupid and clumsy and that get another Christmas tradition has gone to shit. I am just so fucking fed up right now. I don’t know what the fuck to do. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuckfuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck !!!
!!!
!!! !!! !!! !!! !!! !!! !!!
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Wow. This thread is scary.
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I am just so mad at myself and depressed for being so stupid and clumsy and that get another Christmas tradition has gone to shit. I am just so fucking fed up right now. I don’t know what the fuck to do.
Well, you can be thankful you have a mother and family to spend the holidays with. And that you didn’t break your neck falling off a ladder trying to put up the lights.
As far as the shooting is concerned, don’t know what to say. Some people are monsters. Been like that for eons.
Don’t do drugs, unless you’re with me.
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Christmas is coming so call this an Off-topic greetings card.
I can only speak from experience and anyone who has read my postings on here enough will know I have a not too easy life but it has been much worse in the past.
One thing that made it better for me and maybe it will work for others here was accepting I cannot control others.
This is an ongoing project as I too frequently forget this but generally now I offer help, I remind people that I am willing to help when possible but I try not to push help on people or get overly frustrated when my offers of help are rejected.
Other people are not us and we can’t ‘fix’ people.
By extension we shouldn’t feel blame or anger when other people don’t seem to take steps to change for the better or more pressingly when they don’t fit our dreams or expectations.
We can however fix ourselves.
A rather useful technique is to get a sheet of paper and sketch out you living your ideal world. All the things you would like to do, all the things you would prefer to feel, any skills you would like to have even material things you might want to own. Any states of relationship or friendship you would like to have. It doesn’t have to be an amazing work of art, write on it if you have to.
Then pick one of those things, just one.
Try and break down the steps it would take to get to that one point on the drawing no matter how ambitious to increasingly more and more practical stages until you get to one simple action taking into account any obstacles that might hold you back.
For example if one of the items on your drawing was you living in your own home one thing that might hold you back could be finances. Maybe you don’t earn enough money to live independently, so maybe a different job (or in my case any job) would give you more financial security. Maybe you need to train to get a better paid job, looking at the sort of jobs that pay better you may be able to identify a single skill that you don’t have that is affordable to obtain.
So your simple task would be to identify one skill and find out about how to get that skill as cheaply as possible. Write down that task and three weeks later see if you have fulfilled it. If not don’t beat yourself up keep trying until you do. Then move up the scale to maybe saving for or enrolling in a class or internet course. Write that down and three weeks later see if you have progressed.
Most goals can be broken down into simple early steps that can be progressed from beyond the example I have just given.
Extensive studies have shown that while genetics and social position (money, class etc) play a part in mental well being the most significant motor for mental health is psychological. When people lack hope or direction and are left to ruminate, whatever situation they are in will seem unmovable and permanent when it isn’t necessarily so.
The same is true with behaviours that we probably already know aren’t doing us any good like drinking or eating too much. You don’t have to go cold turkey on everything society considers to be a vice but if you pick one or two activities that don’t take you to a the best of places and maybe only indulge them on alternate days or once a week. And maybe redirect the money and effort you would have spend doing them in something else that is a bit more rewarding it would at least be pointing your life in what you define to be the right direction.
This here app has been drawn to my attention: http://appstore.liv.ac.uk/catch-it/ It might not be useful for everyone but it is free and a tool for helping you look at your mood and maybe contextualising it and redirecting it in a more positive direction.
I think we have all been in a situation a bit like Warb’s when something is broken by accident or there is some sort of domestic nonsense going on. I think you can indulge yourself in a bit of venting, apologise to witnesses, see if you can do anything to take some of the hurt out of the situation (Warb did this with lampshade) in some way and then see what you can learn from the experience. Maybe when hanging the Christmas decorations delicate objects could be taken to a place of safety first. Or the decorations could be hung in such a way as to avoid these items. It’s a family home and a family holiday so involving the whole family in planning might be something for next year.
As for feeling the world has gone mad. My only response to that is try and get a bit of cultural and historical perspective by visualising yourself in another time or another place in the history of the world.
I assure you everybody in history has thought the world used to make sense but it’s going down hill at some point.
It goes back to what I was saying earlier. You can’t fix other people. You can’t make people want you or make people stop poisoning themselves with booze or stop yelling at you. You can’t stop people killing each other or stop people from being a-holes. Trying will just add to your frustrations and make you feel powerless and miserable.
You have power, over your own life. It’s yours and you deserve to be at least contented but if happiness is a luxury, treat yourself. It’s nearly Christmas 😃
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Wow. This thread is scary.
Perhaps you’d care to elaborate.
No, you probably won’t. It would just confirm my suspicion.