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It was a dark and stormy night, and not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. At the edge of the Dune Sea, on the borderline between Pepperland, a golf ball sat embedded in the green cheese landscape. Unlike the average golfball, this was humongous, clad in a hockey mask and BDSM garb, the size of small house, like a mansion. This golf ball was home to a young boy named Sue, who have just turned infinite years old.
To celebrate Sue's birthday, his father Mary had given him the gift of virginity; Sue put on a smile and politely accepted the paper-wrapped box, but secretly he was displeased with the gift, and eventually, when his family wasn't looking, the boy gave it to a bum who lived outside the golf ball named Aqua Lung. Aqua Lung, who had a perverse attraction to Sue's father, accepted the gift and took it with him to a dark alley, where he deflowered it.
While returning home from his encounter with Aqua Lung, Sue met up with a man. He was a tall man, with black hair and a black coat. "Your name is Sue", the man in black, who's name was secretly Randal Flagg, said. "How do I do?" Sue, who didn't know this man from Eve, clammed up with fear, unable to answer. Randal, seeing he wasn't going to get a response, shrugged then moonwalked off.
A minute passed, and as Sue's golf ball appeared on the horizon, the ground beneath the ground began to tremble; it was gentle at first, but then it grew rougher, rising in crescendo until Sue found it impossible to remain upright and fell hard to his knees. At that point a hairy hand burst out of the cheesy ground in front of Sue's face. The hairy hand was soon followed by a hairy arm, and in seconds a werecat, clad in jeans and a red leather jacket, pulled himself out of the hole, shaking and brushing the crumbs from his black-and-silver fur.
"Did you see a man come your way, little boy? He was tall, with black hair and a black coat. He stole my moonwalk, and I want it back".
Sue's mouthed dropped open. "Y-yeah, I did. He went that way." Sue pointed in the direction Flagg had gone.
"Ooooh-hoo!" the werecat wooped, his slitted yellow eyes alive with delightment. "Shamone!"
And at that the werecat followed from where the man in black fled, disappearing into the dust of the Dune Sea and disappearing from Sue's sight.
Sue finally arrived home. As he entered the golfball, he was greeted by his mother Frank. Frank wrapped her arms around Sue, and French kissed the boy on the forehead.
"How was your day, vinegar?" Frank crooned in a sweet voice. "Have you played with your nice new virginity yet?"
"Yes, Mom", Sue replied. "It was firm but smooth, and very stimulating. However ..." his voice trailed off.
"What is it, vinegar?" Frank asked, the smile falling from her lips.
"That bastard Aqua Lung stole it from me!" he boy cried, feigning dispair. "I tried to get it back, but he ran away from me before I could stop him!" At that point Sue put on the waterworks, allowing crocodile tears to fall from his eyes to the tile floor beneath him.
"Well now!" Frank declared, indignant. "It seems all those times your father crossed his eyes at that pathetic bum hasn't taught him a single lesson. I guess we'll just have to call the SS, and let them deal with his this time". She looked down at Sue, and a reassuring smile came to her face. "Don't have any fear, Sue, my boy. We'll get your virginity back".
"I hope so, Mom," Sue said, drying his eyes. "I love that virginity like a brother". Secretly, though, Sue was cross; he was actually going to get his father's gift back, and nothing he could imagine displeased him more.
Meanwhile, on the other side of the flat world, Ragnarok had come to a close ...
