So between Ren looking up and then final shot before transition, it cuts back and forth between a CU of Ren and the radio twice, right? It feels like it drags the moment out for too long. I know you want it to line up with the music appropriately though, but I feel like you shouldn’t let the music restrict your cuts.
I feel like you could keep the Ren flinching at Rey shutting the door on him, but still use the shot that slowly dollies in on Ren’s face for the radio reaction. So you have the wide of Ren, the radio flickering to life, Ren looking up, back to radio, dolly CU on Ren, and maybe one more shot of the radio. Ending on the eyes is cool too. I just feel like it cuts back and forth too much, and I think it even would work really well to slow down that dolly CU a bit and end on that shot of him.
To me, that flinching shot emphasizes that Rey has rejected him, and now he feels completely alone, but then a mysterious voice calls to him, and in that dolly shot I feel like I can see a glimmer of newfound ambition in Ren’s eyes. So leaving Ren at the moment would really foreshadow his drive that we see in the next film.
EDIT: Or maybe do, radio flicker, Ren looks up, radio, eye CU, radio, dolly on Ren then transition.
I also feel like the Sith chants might be a little too much. I like how there is some room for speculation with just the vague “Find me”.
Sorry, I don’t mean to confuse you. You’ve worked so hard on this and have made so many versions. It seems like you’re either there or really close though since everyone really loves your D. 😉