Hal 9000 said:
Combining the scenes you suggest combining would be odd choices if you ask me, and I can’t see them feeling right.
Your edit inserts the deleted scene “Luke mourns Han” right after Luke says “You don’t need Luke Skywalker,” and then asks, “Do you think I am going to walk out with a laser sword and face down the whole First Order?”
Watching the scenes in this order implies that Luke is grieving over his own fate – namely, that he cannot live up to the legend of Luke Skywalker – not grieving over Han’s fate. That in turn implies Leia is grieving not over Han’s fate but over Luke’s failure. The order of scenes affects their meaning.
The film would feel more natural if Luke mourned Han’s death immediately, instead of waiting until after he finishes an unrelated conversation with Rey, which implies the news was not immediately impactful.
Moving the deleted scene of Luke requires moving the scene of Kylo Ren and Snoke. The dialogue flows more smoothly if the two “tied on a string” remarks follow one another.
“They can’t get away, Supreme Leader. We have them tied on the end of a string.”
“Tied on a string indeed, General Hux. Well done. The Resistance will soon be in our grasp.”
Also, I dislike how your edit splits Rey’s line “I’m not leaving without you” from the scene where she follows Luke around.