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The Last Jedi : Fan Edit Ideas — Page 41

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 (Edited)

Alright, so I decided to try and tackle the “Space Leia” scene.

Now, I know a lot of people do not like this moment and that is totally fine. Some editors have done pretty seamless jobs of removing it for those who want it out. I personally like the moment and want it to stay, so this is my attempt to try and slightly improve the scene with two VERY small changes.

Some of you have probably seen me rattle this off a number of times while discussing this scene, but I think there are three major reasons why this scene throws people off. I think in theory, most people wouldn’t have had a problem with this moment, but I think there may have been some minor issues with the execution that made it feel drastically off to a lot of people.

First, I think the initial wide shot of Leia “flying” towards the ship looks, off. I don’t know if I can really explain it, but I have heard others describe it as cartoony or too CGI. I can’t really do much about the way it looks, but I think there is another issue that might be either contributing to, or even the reason for this feeling.

Which is my second point, the sound. This will probably seem super minor, but I think a part of what throws people off is the sound design during this moment. We don’t realize it but sound can have a pretty big effect on us. If you go back and watch the initial shot of her flying, you’ll notice that when Leia/the camera passes by debris, you hear slight “whooshing” sounds as it happens.

While it is not as prominent, the sound effect is in the same vein as the famous “Superman flyby” sound effect, or the whooshing effect. I could be wrong, but I think this contributes to the cartoony vibe some might get from this scene. Interestingly enough, one of the first terms used to refer to this scene after the film’s release was “Super Leia”. I think her almost “Superman” pose probably added to that term as well. I think, on some level, the sound makes the moment feel silly for many when it should be an extremely powerful one.

So, with this in mind, I removed the sound effects from that shot, leaving only John Williams’ score to carry the moment. It may not be super noticeable, but I think it could affect the way someone reacts to this scene.

Finally, I think it would have helped if there was a little more context as to what exactly Leia was doing here. It seemed like a lot of people thought she was using the Force to literally fly back toward the ship, when in reality she is using the Force to pull herself back to it. It actually isn’t too different from Luke’s first physical use of the Force, pulling the lightsaber out of the snow. I think if this was made clearer it also could have helped the scene.

Although there isn’t a lot to work with, I added the sound of metal creaks and stress groans to the shot where she finally makes it back to the door, to help imply that she is pulling on it with the Force, and those sounds stop once she touches it.

While it is not perfect and people who don’t like the scene still won’t like it probably, I like to think if these changes had been there when the film was released, less people would’ve been thrown off by it initially. Any notes would be greatly appreciated.

https://vimeo.com/282817952
Password: fanedit

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^ I think that’s really well done, mate. As someone who didn’t really have an issue with the original scene I’d say that’s a fair improvement upon it, especially with the metal creaking sounds too. Nice one.

 

As an aside, would shortening the amount of time Leia is pulling herself to the ship (likely cutting to Poe’s view from the ship window earlier) help with those who do have issues with the scene overall?

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I find that answer vague and unconvincing.
 
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Thanks oojason!

That’s a good question. Someone more skilled than me would need to have a go at it, though. Because of the music, I think it makes it difficult to cut any bit of the sequence without it being noticeable.

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oojason said:

As an aside, would shortening the amount of time Leia is pulling herself to the ship (likely cutting to Poe’s view from the ship window earlier) help with those who do have issues with the scene overall?

How about this?
https://vimeo.com/283286707 (pw: fanedit)

I found a spot to trim the music, which I think is hard to notice, so I was able to trim 1:05 off of the Leia flying shot and cut sooner to Poe. It also works by trimming the beginning of the Leia flying shot instead of the end, so let me know if you’d like to see that.

I have a problem with the scene conceptually more than execution, but I hope this helps!

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OPENING CRAWL IDEAS FOR TFA AND TLJ

So recently I have been messing around with the opening crawls for TFA and TLJ some more, but I’m at a point where I could use some outside advice. I feel like one of the more universally agreed upon complaints for the new movies is that there is not enough context for the political situation.

Regarding The First Order

There’s no explanation of the First Order outside of “risen from the ashes of the Empire”, which sounds cool, but leaves a lot of unanswered questions:

-How big is the First Order?
-Where did they get their resources?
-Is the Republic aware of them?

There just feels like a disconnect because the First Order in TFA seems better equipped than the Empire was in ROTJ. Didn’t the Empire lose? How have they continued to advance their technology?

You can’t really change those things without making some radical changes, so they need to be addressed, preferably in a concise way.

So maybe we can set the the First Order up better by trying to say something like “they’re a mysterious Imperial remnant hiding in uncharted space that is secretly being funded by Imperial sympathizers and/or crime lords.” This is pretty close to the canon explanation.

The only other thing I could think of that you could say would be something referring to Snoke, depending on if we ever get more info about him. I’ll make a few Snoke-related suggestions just for the sake of it.

So What About The Republic?

First of all, I want to refer to them as the “New Republic” because they are only referred to that once in the whole film. I think explaining the Republic is kind of difficult without the Republic feeling incompetent, but I will list a few options:

-In the theatrical, we get “With the support of the Republic, General Leia…” Hux also claims that the New Republic is secretly supporting the Resistance. But with the lack of information, it seems like the Republic is just choosing to ignore the problem. Like they are complacent to the First Order’s rise. Maybe that is the point, but it seems frustrating to most people. According to the canon, though, it seems like the Republic government is not really supporting Leia’s actions. Maybe a few senators back it, but not the Republic as a whole. Also, the deleted scene where Leia says, “Not all the senators think I’m insane.” Seems to corroborate this, so the theatrical crawl is a little misleading. If the Republic is supporting Leia, then it must be explained why the Republic doesn’t engage the First Order themselves.

-I originally suggested the phrasing, “Failing to convince the New Republic to combat this emerging threat” for Hal’s Restructured crawl. I do think this works, but overtime I do still think it makes the New Republic seem incompetent.

-Another option could be to emphasize that Leia forms the Resistance because she believes First Order spies and sympathizers have infiltrated and compromised the New Republic. Canon seems to agree with this idea, with there being a number of senators trying to undermine the Senate in service of the First Order. This would add a hint of espionage in the backstory, as well as justify why a separate faction outside of the Republic was necessary. Though some might argue that this might put the New Republic in an even worse light.

Though there are bits of info in the film to back this idea up. The criminal Tasu Leech, the Gauvian Death Gang leader, clearly is a First Order informant. So is the woman at Maz’s Cantina, and Finn asks Han if there would be First Order sympathizers in her cantina as well.

-A final option, maybe you could say that while the New Republic is seeking a diplomatic solution, Leia forms the Resistance on her own to prevent the First Order from growing any further. It seems like the New Republic is aware of the First Order, so there is probably some truth to this. And I know other have suggested similar ideas to this.

The thing is, there is truth to all of these options. In canon, it does seem that Leia tried and failed to convince the Republic to go to war with the First Order, who preferred trying to deal with the situation through diplomacy. Leia also came to the conclusion that First Order sympathizers had infiltrated the Senate, so forming a private military force was necessary not only because the Republic refused to engage them, but also to avoid being spied on by First Order spies within the larger Republic.

I think it is just deciding which part of that is the most important to focus on.

I should also note that I currently think that Starkiller Base or a superweapon should be mentioned in the crawl. Yes, mentioning it allows for you to set up its existence at the beginning of the movie. But, I think by mentioning it in the crawl, it makes the New Republic seem even more incompetent because to the audience, we know that the First Order has a superweapon so why aren’t they doing anything?
But if the weapon is revealed to the audience within the film itself, then I think the audience will realize that it must be a secret. If we didn’t know about it, the Republic probably doesn’t know about.
And honestly, I feel like Starkiller Base is so inconsequential to the big picture that I would rather not give it anymore attention than it already has.

So basically with this crawl, I’m trying to address the politics a little more, as well as emphasizing that finding Luke is important to this fight.

I will first list a full possible crawl, then bullet points some alternative phrases or wording.

THE FORCE AWAKENS

Luke Skywalker has vanished. In his absence, a mysterious Imperial remnant, known as the FIRST ORDER, has emerged from uncharted space and will not rest until Skywalker, the last Jedi, has been destroyed.

Fearing that First Order spies have infiltrated the New Republic, General Leia Organa mobilizes a covert Resistance to prevent their corruption from spreading further into the galaxy.

Convinced that the Jedi are their key to victory, Leia has sent her best pilot to find her lost brother, Luke, before their dangerous new enemy reaches him first…

-a remnant of the Empire known as
-has emerged from hiding
-In his absence, a remnant of the Empire known as THE FIRST ORDER, secretly supported by crime lords and Imperial sympathizers, will not rest until Skywalker, the last Jedi, has been destroyed.
-secretly funded by Imperial sympathizers
-secretly supported by rich Imperial sympathizers
-an Imperial remnant known as the First Order has made a rich/resourceful/influential dark side master from the Unknown Regions/uncharted space their leader and
-First Order has allied with a powerful master of the dark side
-First Order, led by an arcane master of the Force from uncharted space, will not rest…

-Convinced that the First Order
-have infiltrated/compromised the New Republic
-Believing that the Jedi are
-With the New Republic unwilling to start another war, General Leia Organa mobilizes a private/covert Resistance to counter the rise of this growing Imperial remnant.
-While the New Republic seeks a diplomatic solution,

-this/their dangerous new enemy/new threat
-reaches the last Jedi….
-reaches the last Jedi first…

Moving On…

So with the Last Jedi, there are two major things I want to focus on:

  1. I don’t want to make it sound like the First Order is immediately in control
  2. I want to reemphasize the importance of Luke and the Jedi.

The Last Jedi crawl begins with “The First Order Reigns”. Technically this isn’t really true yet, since Rey says that it will still take weeks for the First Order to seize control of all the major systems.

It also makes the New Republic feel even more pointless because the crawl makes it sound like they are completely gone. The thing is, this makes it sound like Hosnian Prime and the Senate were the entirety of the Republic. If Washington DC and the US’ largest military base was destroyed on the same day, would the United States cease to exist? Of course not!

I know the New Republic was much smaller than the Galactic Republic, but after 30 years of rebuilding they must have had hundreds, if not thousands of member worlds by now. While the New Republic did not have a standing army anywhere near the scale of the Empire or the Grand Army of the Republic during the Clone Wars, they did still had a defense force probably comparable to the Old Republic. And even if the majority of their fleet was at Hosnian Prime (maybe ordered there by First Order sympathizers right before the attack?), surely there still would be a few Republic vessels out there.
Not only that, but the reason the New Republic felt that a large standing army wasn’t necessary was because they also could call on the defense forces of various Republic member-worlds.

In my personal opinion, while the militaries of individual planets probably are no match for the First Order, if they were united, they could probably stand a chance against them.
But, that is exactly why Hux knew it was crucial to take out the Senate. They’ve cut off the Republic’s head, and now the body doesn’t know what to do. It’s a divide and conquer strategy. While some systems might prepare to fight, others might surrender first. But without the Senate’s leadership, most Republic worlds will probably choose to fortify their own systems rather than join forces with others against the First Order because there is no clear leader to unite them.

This is why Leia is so desperate to find Luke. Not only is he the only person who could stand toe-to-toe with Snoke and her fallen son Kylo Ren, but also the Jedi symbolize hope, and their legendary status could be enough to unite the galaxy against the First Order.

So that is the purpose of this crawl rewrite, to make the rest of the galaxy feel a little more important and active instead of just this one small corner of it, and also to help tie the Resistance/First Order and the Jedi plot more closely together. Yes, we hear Rey say, “The galaxy needs the Jedi back”, but why?? Hopefully this explanation makes the “why” a little clearer.

Some of these lines were originally written by Noodle Flinger.

THE LAST JEDI

-Chaos reigns.

-A dark force rises.

-A galaxy in chaos!

War rages across the galaxy. Without their leadership, what remains of the fractured New Republic struggles to fight back as countless systems fall to the decisive First Order.

Holding on to hope, General Leia Organa and her brave Resistance believe that only the power of the Jedi has a chance at uniting the galaxy against this great threat.

But the Resistance has been exposed.
As the First Order speeds toward their vulnerable base, the fate of the galaxy rests on their escape…

-A galaxy in chaos! Both the evil FIRST ORDER and the brave RESISTANCE have been catastrophically decimated, each desperate to snuff out the other and fill the power vacuum left by the extinction of the Republic.(Noodle Flinger’s original opening paragraph)

-A galaxy in chaos! Both the evil FIRST ORDER and the shattered NEW REPUBLIC have been catastrophically decimated, each desperate to snuff out the other and fill the power vacuum left by the destruction of the Senate.

-each fighting for control of countless worlds and fill the power vacuum left by the destruction of the Senate.
-each fighting for control after the destruction of the Senate.
-each desperate to fill the power vacuum left by the destruction of the Senate.

-Believing that the Jedi are their key to victory, Resistance General Leia Organa lives in hope that her brother, Luke Skywalker, will return to reunite the galaxy against this great evil.

-uniting/reuniting the Republic against this rising evil.
-her loyal Resistance
-only the Jedi have a chance at
-base, the brave heroes mount a desperate escape…

I should also note that I want to try to use the word “galaxy” only once in this crawl.

I like Noodle Flinger’s crawl because it reminds the audience that the First Order also suffered some losses in the last film. But the Resistance really didn’t lose anything besides a few X-Wings, so that’s why I listed a few alternatives to it. Regardless, do you thinking referring to that would still gel with the idea that First Order will be able to take over all the major systems within weeks, as Rey says to Luke? Genuinely curious on your thoughts.

I’m seeking any advice or opinions on the crawls or the alternatives I have listed. I’m not trying to set up a major story restructure or anything like that, I’m just trying to clarify and improve the political situation through the crawls. I’m also trying to have crawls that don’t necessarily contradict the canon if I can help it. The only exception being the stuff I mentioned about wanting the New Republic to not just be totally gone after the Hosnian Cataclysm. Because personally, I do think if the First Order just pressed one button and completely erased the Republic from existence, it makes the conflict in the OT slightly pointless, or at least undermined, if we’re right back at Rebels versus Empire. At least this way, the galaxy is in complete chaos and war has erupted all across the galaxy, which is pretty different from the OT scenario.

I don’t think any of these changes will contradict Episode IX, especially if there is going to be a time jump. But knowing us, we’re all probably going to make fan edits of the next film anyway!

PLEASE share any thoughts or opinions you might have, and thanks for reading this far. Any lines or phrases you liked the most? I would really like to figure out solid crawls for future edits so any notes would be appreciated.

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Luke Skywalker has vanished. In his absence, a mysterious Imperial remnant, known as the FIRST ORDER, has emerged from uncharted space and will not rest until Skywalker, the last Jedi, has been destroyed.

Fearing that First Order spies have infiltrated the New Republic, General Leia Organa mobilizes a covert Resistance to prevent their corruption from spreading further into the galaxy.

Convinced that the Jedi are their key to victory, Leia has sent her best pilot to find her lost brother, Luke, before their dangerous new enemy reaches him first…

This is really good. It’s a bit on the wordy side compared to your TLJ crawl however. I also wish that there was a more elegant way of communicating the First Order’s goals. I think the answer might be in making them intentionally becoming the Empire 2.0, with all associated features. That way another superweapon becomes expected and important to their identity rather than out of nowhere and unexplained. It doesn’t even have to be established in the crawl. Here’s an attempt that incorporates Luke’s last Jedi status, Jakku being in FO space, and the goal of the FO itself:

Luke Skywalker has vanished. In his absence, an Imperial remnant known as the FIRST ORDER has emerged from desolate space with ambitions to restore their fallen Empire.

Fearing that First Order spies have infiltrated the New Republic, General Leia Organa mobilizes a covert Resistance to counter their sinister influence.

Desperate to restore hope to the galaxy, Leia has sent her best pilot beyond the edge of the Republic in search of Luke, last of the legendary Jedi Knights…

I think the Resistance makes a lot more sense as an intelligence operation and propoganda outfit rather than a military operation prior to this movie, and it is the events of this movie which turn it into a small and outmatched military force.

What a grand and intoxicating innocence. How could you be so naive? There is no escape. Come, lay down your weapons. It is not too late for my mercy.
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@RogueLeader, I’ve too been wracking my brain with the best way to write a TFA crawl. There’s so much info to convey, and so little space. The theatrical crawl is an absolute mess, clearly JJ just trying to simplify everything for general audiences. I agree that you really have to whittle everything down to the most essential elements, i.e. you can live without mentioning the SKB I think.

Personally I don’t think that the “First Order spies” angle is the right way to go at it. The film supports this framing, but I don’t think the framing supports the film. I much prefer getting across the idea of New Republic complacency in the face of the new threat. It jives with what the film and the ST in general is actually about - despite thinking that the light had won forever at the end of ROTJ, the dark side is back; in the face of this you can ignore the threat completely and go about your life, you can retreat in a fit of nihilistic desperation, or you can stand up and fight, even if you know it’s a fight that may never end. To that end, this is my favorite of your options “With the New Republic unwilling to start another war, General Leia Organa mobilizes a private/covert Resistance to counter the rise of this growing Imperial remnant.” I have some mockups of a potential crawl that I’ll have to post later.

Now for TLJ, I’m somewhat of the opinion that TLJ’s crawl is practically perfect, and probably the best crawl since the original film (yes, better than Empire, which isn’t without flaws). That people interpret “The First Order reigns” to mean that they already have full control of the galaxy is pretty weird to me. First of all, “reigns” is not a word with only one rigid meaning, and second, the sentence that comes immediately after clarifies: “Having decimated the peaceful Republic, Supreme Leader Snoke now deploys his merciless legions to seize military control of the galaxy.” In my mind that sets up the First Order’s side of it pretty well, which does well to set the tone for a dire situation for the galaxy and Resistance, by emphasizing the FO’s growing power and the massive threat they pose… even though I do like your reworking in its own way (I will say I think saying ‘both the First Order and Resistance have been decimated’ is irrelevant and distracting).

It’s when we get to the Resistance’s side of things that I can see either for or against changing. On the one hand, I think pretty much all the information you need is there, with the last two graphs of the crawl setting up what the movie is actually about far better than most of the saga’s other crawls. I appreciate the brevity and economy of word usage here, but I do honestly wonder… would it be better to be slightly more specific? I’m thinking about the the second paragraph where it talks about Leia seeking Luke to restore the “spark.” As is, it’s vague who he’d actually be restoring the spark for. So maybe the room for improvement here would be to clarify that there are Republic remnants in the galaxy that are sympathetic to the Resistance, but skeptical this is a battle they can win. I’ll have to think on it, but there’s got to be a way to succinctly say that the Resistance has allies that are too afraid to fight, and just need a little push.

Maybe something like this?

With the remaining Republic forces fearful to face this rising tyranny, only General Leia Organa’s band of RESISTANCE fighters stand to fight, certain that Jedi Master Luke Skywalker will return and restore a spark of hope to the cause.

Or this?

Only General Leia Organa’s band of RESISTANCE fighters stand against the rising tyranny, certain that Jedi Master Luke Skywalker will return and restore a spark of hope for the remaining Republic forces too fearful to join the fight.

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Thanks for the feedback guys. I appreciate the different perspectives.

@Nev

I think you raise a good point about the First Order’s goals.
While clearly the First Order officers wish to restore the Empire to its former glory, it is interesting that the crawl decides to focus on their mission to destroy Luke Skywalker. I personally think this is because this is Supreme Leader Snoke’s first priority. Because it is, it has become a part of the First Order’s main objective.

I think one thing you have to decide is whether or not to make that their stated objective in the crawl, or that they want to return to power, like your crawl does and Hal’s restructured crawl also does.

I’m not saying I really prefer one or another, but I wanted to make some points why focusing on the FO wanting to find Skywalker might be important.
First, in the first scene of the film, they are also after the map to Skywalker. Pretty much their whole mission in the film revolves around getting that map. Destroying the Republic, at least for Snoke, is merely a means to an end in order to prevent Skywalker from returning to the fight.

Also wanted to point out Snoke’s line the film:
“The droid will soon be delivered to the Resistance, leading them to the last Jedi. If Skywalker returns, the new Jedi will rise… Our strategy must now change.”

I also wonder if making their stated goal, to return to power, would hurt the audience opinion on the Republic since they would find the First Order’s goals obvious, so they would wonder why the Republic wasn’t doing anything about it. If the crawl focuses more on their hunt for Skywalker, well, the Republic might not be as concerned if they think the First Order’s focus isn’t on them. Does that make sense?

Though if we do decide the “return to power” angle is better, I think the way you have it worded, “with ambitions to restore their fallen Empire” is one of my favorite variations yet. You’re basically saying that the phrase “restore their fallen Empire” helps get the idea across that FO wants to return the Empire to its former glory, which is why their tech seems upgraded, clearly militarizig, and of course be building a super weapon to fit in with the philosophy of the Tarkin Doctrine. That does make sense. Still prefer “uncharted space” though!

But I think my obsession with making the crawl’s have a focus on Luke/the Jedi is because Luke is sort of the thesis statement of these new films. Luke Skywalker has vanished, but we need him to save/unite the galaxy. So tying the stakes of the conflict with finding Luke emphasizes why that is important.

In the theatrical crawl, it says Leia wants Luke’s help to restore peace/freedom to the galaxy, but I want it to feel like finding Luke is critical to their mission’s success. Everything is riding on this.

While I don’t think hope needs to be restored just yet in the story, if you have a phrase like I had, “Convinced that the Jedi are their key to victory” or some variation of it, you would still be emphasizing Luke’s importance while still setting up the FO goal of restoring their power. Since Luke is crucial to a Republic/Resistance victory or advantage, of course the FO would be trying to stop that. And a line similar to, “Leia has sent her best pilot to find Luke before their new enemy reaches him first” would still establish finding Luke also as the FO’s current objective while still having the broad goals mentioned in the first paragraph. I think it also helps create a sense of urgency even before the movie really starts. Who will find Luke first?

@Dom

I appreciate your perspective about the “First Order spies” angle, I feel I kept bugging Nev about how that angle was perfect and should use it for his crawl, but I’ve been reading different opinions and have slowly been coming to a similar conclusion as you. And I think Nev said the same thing to me. "If the Republic has already been compromised, is it already a lost cause?” is another point I’ve heard. While it has been compromised in canon, maybe it wouldn’t be best to emphasize that angle.

And like you said, it is a little bit truer to that theme in the new films.

"With the New Republic unwilling to start another war, General Leia Organa mobilizes a private/covert Resistance to counter the rise of this growing Imperial remnant.”

Another reason I like this phrase is that allows you add a little extra info that the First Order is an Imperial Remnant, if the first paragraph is too wordy and felt you need to cut/move a bit of FO information.

So, you have could have a first paragraph like,
"Luke Skywalker has vanished. The mysterious FIRST ORDER has emerged from uncharted space and will not rest until Skywalker, the last Jedi, has been destroyed.” or sort a variation of Nev’s, “In his absence, the mysterious FIRST ORDER has emerged from desolate space with ambitions to restore their fallen Empire.”

To TLJ

Intersting perspective. I don’t necessarily hate, but I am surprised how highly you think of it! Also curious what your issues are with the Empire crawl. I aways felt that it should have said “led by Princess Leia” rather than “led by Luke Skywalker” but didn’t really have any problems outside of that.

I totally get what you’re saying. The first paragraph is meant to emphasize the dire situation the galaxy is in. I think for me, I just don’t want it to feel like the Republic is completely gone with a snap of a finger, back to square one. I kind of think the Republic should still be at least mentioned beyond being “decimated". I also don’t like how D’Qar is referred to as a “rebel base”. Personally, I don’t like how they were so quick to revert to calling themselves “rebels” before the fight has barely even started. So let me propose a version with very light changes, rather than be totally overhauled.

The FIRST ORDER reigns. Having decimated the Republic capital, Supreme Leader Snoke now deploys his merciless legions to seize military control of the galaxy.

Only General Leia Organa’s band of RESISTANCE fighters stand against this rising tyranny, certain that Jedi Master Luke Skywalker will return and restore hope to the New Republic.

But the Resistance has been exposed. As the First Order speeds toward their vulnerable base, the brave heroes mount a desperate escape….

-Having decimated/destroyed the Republic capital/the Senate/Republic Senate/Republic homeworld/Republic leadership
-to seize military control of the galaxy/New Republic/Republic
-restore hope to the crippled New Republic.
-to what remains of the New Republic
-return and reunite the shattered/fractured New Republic.

I actually think I would prefer something like this with minimal changes.

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RogueLeader said:

@Dom

I appreciate your perspective about the “First Order spies” angle, I feel I kept bugging Nev about how that angle was perfect and should use it for his crawl, but I’ve been reading different opinions and have slowly been coming to a similar conclusion as you. And I think Nev said the same thing to me. "If the Republic has already been compromised, is it already a lost cause?” is another point I’ve heard. While it has been compromised in canon, maybe it wouldn’t be best to emphasize that angle.

And like you said, it is a little bit truer to that theme in the new films.

"With the New Republic unwilling to start another war, General Leia Organa mobilizes a private/covert Resistance to counter the rise of this growing Imperial remnant.”

Another reason I like this phrase is that allows you add a little extra info that the First Order is an Imperial Remnant, if the first paragraph is too wordy and felt you need to cut/move a bit of FO information.

So, you have could have a first paragraph like,
"Luke Skywalker has vanished. The mysterious FIRST ORDER has emerged from uncharted space and will not rest until Skywalker, the last Jedi, has been destroyed.” or sort a variation of Nev’s, “In his absence, the mysterious FIRST ORDER has emerged from desolate space with ambitions to restore their fallen Empire.”

Yeah I feel like this is more on the right track.

To TLJ

Intersting perspective. I don’t necessarily hate, but I am surprised how highly you think of it! Also curious what your issues are with the Empire crawl. I aways felt that it should have said “led by Princess Leia” rather than “led by Luke Skywalker” but didn’t really have any problems outside of that.

I’m surprised by how much I like it too. With TFA, I felt like I had issues with the crawl the moment I was first reading it. I’ve seen TLJ many times now, and reread the crawl in isolation - with an eye towards changes - and have mostly struggled to come up with much wrong. Part of this is I think inherent to the movies themselves. TFA is set 30 years after ROTJ, and at least a whole other trilogy worth of plot has happened in between. Whereas TLJ picks up right after TFA, so any plot-based set-up is incredibly minimal, which allows it to really focus in on what matters to the film.

That’s one of my issues with ESB’s crawl, yes. That line makes it seem like we’re preparing for a more basic SF/F sequel, ‘oh our hero saved the day so he is leading all the good guys!’ Besides that, my bigger problem is the final paragraph, which, and I don’t know how to describe this accurately, just sort of leaves you hanging. Doesn’t feel a conclusive way to end the crawl, if that makes sense.

The evil lord Darth Vader, obsessed with finding young Skywalker, has dispatched thousands of remote probes into the far reaches of space…

I’ve been trying to think of a way to rewrite this, but basically I’d rather it ended with “far reaches of space to find young Skywalker…” or something along those lines. Don’t know how to describe my issue here, I’m no grammatist.

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@Dom
It’s funny because I knew you were going to say that. I noticed that too, but it didn’t bother me as much. I get what you’re saying though.

It would sort of be like if the ANH crawl ended like:

Pursued by the Empire’s sinister agents, Princess Leia races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans…

When it’s actually

Pursued by the Empire’s sinister agents, Princess Leia races home aboard her starship, custodian of the stolen plans that can save her people and restore freedom to the galaxy….

It’s just missing a little something extra maybe. If you really wanted to add a little extra maybe you could do something like

The evil lord Darth Vader, obsessed with capturing Luke Skywalker, dispatches thousands of remote probes into the far reaches of space until the Rebel Alliance is found…

-rebel base/outpost
-Alliance

Not sure if it’s grammatically correct.

I agree about the TLJ. That makes sense. I’ll experiment with them a little bit more, but let me know if you guys prefer any of those new alternatives or have any other ideas.

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The evil Darth Vader, commander of the Imperial armada, has dispatched thousands of remote probes in an obsessive quest to find the young Skywalker…

What a grand and intoxicating innocence. How could you be so naive? There is no escape. Come, lay down your weapons. It is not too late for my mercy.
A New Hope Technicolor Recreation (Released!)
The Force Awakens Restructured (V3 Released!) and The Starlight Project (WORKPRINT RELEASED!)

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Ooo, that’s good.

If you replaced “Luke Skywalker” with “Princess Leia” in the second paragraph, should you change “young Skywalker” to “Luke Skywalker” or “young Luke Skywalker”?

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 (Edited)

It seems kind of strange to switch gears in the last paragraph by focusing from Leia to Luke. Maybe something like this:

It is a dark time for the
Rebellion. Imperial forces
have driven the Rebels from
their hidden base and pursued
them across the galaxy.

Evading the dreaded Imperial
Starfleet, Princess Leia and
her brave lieutenants have
established a new secret base
on the remote ice world of
Hoth.

The evil lord Darth Vader,
consumed in dark meditation,
has dispatched thousands of
remote probes in a quest to
find Leia’s most daring
commander, the young Luke
Skywalker…

You can see some of the TFA crawls working their way into that…

What a grand and intoxicating innocence. How could you be so naive? There is no escape. Come, lay down your weapons. It is not too late for my mercy.
A New Hope Technicolor Recreation (Released!)
The Force Awakens Restructured (V3 Released!) and The Starlight Project (WORKPRINT RELEASED!)

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I agree that it’s tricky once you’ve swapped Luke out of the second graph. Thing is you really do need to emphasize that Vader is looking for Luke specifically.

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The crawls already read to me as the ‘back of the video cover’ sort of synopsis. Less about technical accuracy and more of a grip.

Initiating self-destruct countdown…

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Yeah, it’s definitely more pulpy than poetic, I think. But that isn’t a bad thing either.

I’m not 100% on the “consumed in dark meditation” part, but I think Nev’s crawl is pretty solid though. I think segueing from Leia to Luke is pretty smooth, and a good hook to end on his name.

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Any sort of description of Vader or his plan would work there, I was leaning into the meditation angle because of his meditation pod and the fact that the entire movie is basically his plan to capture Skywalker.

What a grand and intoxicating innocence. How could you be so naive? There is no escape. Come, lay down your weapons. It is not too late for my mercy.
A New Hope Technicolor Recreation (Released!)
The Force Awakens Restructured (V3 Released!) and The Starlight Project (WORKPRINT RELEASED!)

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I have been thinking a little more about Finn’s arc recently since Poppasketti released his own edit, heavily inspired by Hal’s, with some additional ideas from darthrush and others.

I wanted to share this video by Lessons from the Screenplay (which has probably been shared already and I’ve forgotten) that reiterated some thoughts on Finn’s arc. I’m sort of using this as a basis for how improvements to his arc should be approached.

https://youtu.be/GYN2Lp9oHMk

I think poppasketti and Hal both do a great job at finding ways to improve it.
The deleted scene of him stating that his allegiance is not with the Resistance is important to make his arc clear, for example, shouldn’t have been left on the cutting room floor. I wanted to present another moment, that if can be modified, could also help improve his arc.

This specifically relates to when Rose is dragging him to the brig. I think it would help his arc if it felt like going through with this mission was a choice he made, either help the Resistance or be stuck in the brig. As it is, Finn seems quick to recruit himself for this mission.

I’m still not sure if this could work, but in my head I think this would be the simplest solution:

Rose: But who knows where the breaker room on a Star Destroyer is?

Finn looks at the brig, then looks back at Rose.

Could either continue the scene as is, or cut straight to the next scene.

This would require some vfx work to make these shots though. First, you would need to piece together a wide shot in order to make an insert shot of the brig door.

You would also need to find/create shots of Finn looking toward the door, and looking up at Rose. This might be difficult because the scene cuts back and forth quickly, and never sits very long on someone not speaking.
Alternatively, when Rose poses that question to Finn, if any decent shot of Finn not talking for a moment exists, it could be used to give the impression that Finn is seeing a way out, and cutting straight to the next scene allows the audience to imagine Finn making a deal with Rose.

This is the best idea I have at the moment but maybe someone can see alternatives that I’m missing. But I think it would help make Finn’s motivations clearer in the film though, and have a stronger arc as well.

This second idea is a little more relevant since it is pretty debated, and something Hal and poppa’s edit deal with differently.

I think the work done on the Finn’s sacrifice scene with poppa’s is a really great alternative to the theatrical. I do think though some people could still argue that we are losing a final lesson Finn learns from Rose in that moment by removing her saving him. It’s overall importance won’t really be made clear until IX, but if others felt like doing something with that scene, but still keeping that character moment, I have thought of another option for it.

With the idea that Finn gets shot down, what if we maintained the build up of Finn about to get shot down, maybe see/hear more shots pass him during his approach, finally one of them aims and fires, but Rose comes in at the last minute and knocks him out of the way just in time, and in the wide shot we see a shot or two pass them by and hit the ground?

I think partially why the scene originally bothered a lot of people is that Finn stopping the canon is sort of ambiguous, so the idea that even if there was a slim chance that Finn could have stopped it, it feels like Rose damned the Resistance. But if it is made as clear as possible that Finn would have died, it would make Rose’s actions seem not as selfish. If you focus more on him not reaching it before getting shot down like the rest of the skimmers, the futility of Finn’s actions would be undeniable, I think.

Originally I tried to think of ways of having the canon immediately fire as soon as they’re out of the way, but I think this idea would work better.

I know this moment still probably has a bad taste in a lot of people’s mouths, but I wanted to present another alternative that required less changes to the film but still provided the necessary change to fix the problem many have with it, which I think this change could do.

The reason I keep coming back to this is because I have a feeling the lessons Finn learns in this film will be important to his role in IX. More specifically, I think his newfound role in the Resistance, and this idea of “saving” rather than “killing” will be important for Finn in a potential plot point of him saving the Stormtroopers in IX. This is just a wild guess, but I feel like the story is building up to this. If Finn is just simply a Resistance soldier and what he learned from 8 doesn’t carry over, then I guess it won’t matter as much.

I’m personally curious if that slight change could make that scene work.

I also hope in time to see more edits that try to modify certain scenes for improvement rather than cutting them altogether, like the Fathier chase, but I do understand why many on here choose to remove it!

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Has anyone tackled fixing the continuity error of the Falcon’s lower gun, which is destroyed when it hits the cave wall, but then is used to blow through another wall seconds later? It could possibly be trimmed a few moments so that it doesn’t show it getting actually destroyed.