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The Force Awakens: The Starlight Project - WORKPRINT RELEASED — Page 9

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NeverarGreat said:

In terms of setting the mood for a space fantasy, a name like ‘Leia Organa’ is very Space Princess. Luke Skywalker, on the other hand, is quite down to earth while still being a little space-ish. This makes sense when he’s the audience avatar in ANH. When he’s some super magical unicorn space wizard in TFA, putting ‘Luke’ in the crawl still feels to me like he’s a farmboy who hasn’t gotten his Jedi name yet, hence the brother and sister speak.

It also cuts down on the number of terms being name-dropped in the crawl and the potential confusion for first-time viewers of Leia Organa also being a Skywalker also being a Solo.

If new viewers are starting with this one, they’re doing it wrong. It spoils all the twists.

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I wrote one that leaves out Luke’s name and all references to him being Leia’s brother. The sibling reference in the theatrical crawl actually confused a friend of mine who had never seen a Star Wars movie before. She didn’t understand how an Organa, who married a Solo, could be the sister of a Skywalker. 😄 By the way, the sibling relationship is not mentioned in the movie at all.

On the other hand, I have abandoned the “Palpatine’s first order” theme. Instead, this version emphasises the role of the First Order’s “mysterious leader”. First time viewers might think it’s Kylo Ren, as he is the first leader-like figure we see. Then it’s a bit of a twist when they learn it’s actually the Supreme Leader, who is no less mysterious. This mystery won’t amount to much in TLJ, but it might work well within the context of TFA, especially if his name will be cut in this project.

I also avoided describing the SKB’s ability to devour stars. The audience is going to see that anyway. Why not just give them a clue that it’s more devastating than the Death Stars?

Of course, it’s NeverarGreat’s edit so he is going to decide whether he keeps the “Palpatine’s First Order concept” or not, But I LOVE writing crawls and this thread got me thinking. It’s a neat idea that explains the awkward name JJ came up with for this faction and the timeframe of SKB’s construction, but I wonder if it contributes much to the film.

Episode VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS

The last of the Jedi Knights has
vanished. In his absence, the
NEW REPUBLIC is blind to the
menacing threat emerging from
the remote fringes of the galaxy.

A mysterious leader has unified
the remnants of the fallen
Empire under the banner of the
FIRST ORDER and resolved to
build the deadliest weapon the
galaxy has ever seen.

The only force standing in their
way is a brave RESISTANCE led
by the war hero Leia Organa.
Desperate for allies, the vigilant
general has dispatched her best
pilot to find traces of last Jedi…

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 (Edited)

Dr. Krogshöj said:

Episode VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS

The last of the Jedi Knights has
vanished. In his absence, the
NEW REPUBLIC is blind to the
menacing threat emerging from
the remote fringes of the galaxy.

A mysterious leader has unified
the remnants of the fallen
Empire under the banner of the
FIRST ORDER and resolved to
build the deadliest weapon the
galaxy has ever seen.

The only force standing in their
way is a brave RESISTANCE led
by the war hero Leia Organa.
Desperate for allies, the vigilant
general has dispatched her best
pilot to find traces of last Jedi…

I quite like it. Even though I know you followed most of this, here’s a very good and interesting guideline:

SparkySywer said:

Something I wanna include though is my pet peeves on the language of the crawl. ANH and ESB follow all these rules, and RotJ follows most of them. The prequels and the sequels break a lot of them, but since they’re prequels and sequels, they’re not really good examples of what Star Wars is.

Rules:
-There are three paragraphs.
-The first paragraph has one short sentence, and one long sentence. (Broken by RotJ)
-The other two paragraphs are one long sentence each.
-The last paragraph ends in an ellipsis.
-This ellipsis is 4 dotted. (Broken by RotJ)
-The first paragraph gives a general description of the state of the galaxy, the second paragraph gives a more relevant description of the state of the galaxy, and the third paragraph describes the opening scene. (Broken by RotJ, but it doesn’t stray too far)
-Maximum one capitalized phrase in the crawl.
-This capitalized phrase covers important, new information central to the more specific plot of the movie (Broken by RotJ, but again it doesn’t stray too far)

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 (Edited)

I don’t think it’s necessary to go all-caps with “New Republic” or “First Order” or “Resistance”. Star Wars’ crawl didn’t all caps “Rebels” or “Empire”, and it was also our first contact with those two factions, so there’s that.

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 (Edited)

Collipso said:

Dr. Krogshöj said:

Episode VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS

The last of the Jedi Knights has
vanished. In his absence, the
NEW REPUBLIC is blind to the
menacing threat emerging from
the remote fringes of the galaxy.

A mysterious leader has unified
the remnants of the fallen
Empire under the banner of the
FIRST ORDER and resolved to
build the deadliest weapon the
galaxy has ever seen.

The only force standing in their
way is a brave RESISTANCE led
by the war hero Leia Organa.
Desperate for allies, the vigilant
general has dispatched her best
pilot to find traces of last Jedi…

I quite like it. Even though I know you followed most of this, here’s a very good and interesting guideline:

SparkySywer said:

Something I wanna include though is my pet peeves on the language of the crawl. ANH and ESB follow all these rules, and RotJ follows most of them. The prequels and the sequels break a lot of them, but since they’re prequels and sequels, they’re not really good examples of what Star Wars is.

Rules:
-There are three paragraphs.
-The first paragraph has one short sentence, and one long sentence. (Broken by RotJ)
-The other two paragraphs are one long sentence each.
-The last paragraph ends in an ellipsis.
-This ellipsis is 4 dotted. (Broken by RotJ)
-The first paragraph gives a general description of the state of the galaxy, the second paragraph gives a more relevant description of the state of the galaxy, and the third paragraph describes the opening scene. (Broken by RotJ, but it doesn’t stray too far)
-Maximum one capitalized phrase in the crawl.
-This capitalized phrase covers important, new information central to the more specific plot of the movie (Broken by RotJ, but again it doesn’t stray too far)

Thank you! To be honest, I wasn’t aware of these rules conciously. Funnily enough, the forum engine auto-corrects my four-dot ellipsis to three dots. 😃

As for the capitalization, I blindly followed the ways of the theatrical crawl. Now that I checked them, TESB, TPM and ROTS don’t seem to have anything capitalized at all. Ironically, if I had to chose one thing to capitalize in this version it would be “LAST JEDI” at the end. Or nothing at all, a la Empire. Or all three, as a small homage to the theatrical crawl.

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A well conceived crawl. After thinking about it, I agree that the brother/sister angle is unnecessary. I like how evocative ‘war hero Leia Organa’ is, but I would wonder why she seems to have so little power given that everyone we see has a high opinion of her.

Calling Snoke a ‘mysterious leader’ makes it even more apparent that we should learn more about him during the movie, which of course never happens. I feel like going in the other direction and making him simply a power-hungry warlord would be the best option, that way nobody expects a twist that never arrives (unless JJ pulls something in Ep 9).

Other than that, it’s a propulsive and exciting crawl.

What a grand and intoxicating innocence. How could you be so naive? There is no escape. Come, lay down your weapons. It is not too late for my mercy.
Episode 9 Rewrite THE SHATTERED SWORD (Complete!)
The Force Awakens Restructured (V3 Released!) and The Starlight Project (WORKPRINT RELEASED!)

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 (Edited)

NeverarGreat said:

Here I’ve set it at 75% in the first scene and 35% in the scene that follows, so that it appears that dawn is breaking: https://vimeo.com/239303723
Password: Finn

I also mocked up a terminator line on the planet during the TIE escape to continue with the continuity, and found a place where the Apocalypse TIE shot actually makes sense.

This version of events requires Rey and BB-8 at Niima outpost to happen after this section, but I’ve got a version of events that works fairly well, and is more realistic in some ways than the original film:

-Poe arrives on the Finalizer, Finn is accosted by Phasma
-Poe is interrogated
-Rey’s day and finding of BB-8
-The Rescue
-Hux sends the squad to the wreckage
-Apocalypse TIEs
-Hux and Kylo bicker (work in progress)
-Finn awakens/sees Niima outpost
-Rey arrives at Niima with BB-8/Plutt bargains for the droid
-Finn arrives at Niima.

This solves the strange editing in the original where Plutt calls for some goons to beat up Rey and then we have to wait for Finn to rescue Poe, get knocked out, come to, run 20 minutes to the TIE, and walk for hours to Niima before the goons find Rey.

I hope you’re still planning to do this resequencing. I may have a suggestion. To indicate the passage of a bit of time between Phasma scolding Finn and Kylo interrogating Poe, how about using an exterior shot of the Finalizer that would otherwise be cut from this edit. It’s the one preceding Kylo’s monologue to Darth Vader’s helmet. Although it would require quite a bit of work to remove SKB from the background.

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 (Edited)

NeverarGreat said:

A well conceived crawl. After thinking about it, I agree that the brother/sister angle is unnecessary. I like how evocative ‘war hero Leia Organa’ is, but I would wonder why she seems to have so little power given that everyone we see has a high opinion of her.

Calling Snoke a ‘mysterious leader’ makes it even more apparent that we should learn more about him during the movie, which of course never happens. I feel like going in the other direction and making him simply a power-hungry warlord would be the best option, that way nobody expects a twist that never arrives (unless JJ pulls something in Ep 9).

Other than that, it’s a propulsive and exciting crawl.

Thanks! You are right about Snoke. I feel JJ is going to try to provide some explanation. Having seen the conclusion of Lost, I think it will suck. :\ By the way, I don’t really want to know his backstory. I want to know how he originally tempted Ben while he was training, before Luke first sensed darkness in him. I hope for some Kylo flashbacks about this, rather than some big time Snoke origin reveal.

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 (Edited)

Another stab at the crawl, taking into consideration my 4/9/8 line numbering scheme and the recent feedback 😉 :

THE FORCE AWAKENS

The Empire has survived. Forged
by the Emperor’s first command,
his legions are secretly building a
fortress that devours entire stars.

Led by a ruthless warlord,
this zealous order and its
evil knights have caused the
last of the Jedi to disappear.
With the New Republic
fearing to declare open war,
one general leads a covert
Resistance to this deadly
threat.

Desperate for allies,
General Leia Organa
has sent her most daring
pilot on a mission to
find the long-lost Jedi,
her only hope in restoring
peace and justice to the
galaxy…

JEDIT: I’ve also gotten the capitalized names down from 7 in the original crawl to 5, which I think is the absolute minimum possible with this movie (I count Empire and Emperor as variations on 1). For comparison, ANH had 4 capitalized names.

What a grand and intoxicating innocence. How could you be so naive? There is no escape. Come, lay down your weapons. It is not too late for my mercy.
Episode 9 Rewrite THE SHATTERED SWORD (Complete!)
The Force Awakens Restructured (V3 Released!) and The Starlight Project (WORKPRINT RELEASED!)

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I wasn’t happy with how much information I needed to force into the first four lines. Now they function as a re-introduction to the galaxy and the fortress takes up the body of the second paragraph like in the original Star Wars crawl.

THE FORCE AWAKENS

It is a time of uneasy peace.
With the long civil war now
only a memory, a new
Republic rules the galaxy.

Yet the old Empire survives.
Created in secret by the
Emperor’s first command,
a zealous order has built a
fortress that can devour
entire stars. Led by a ruthless
warlord, they have driven
the last of the Jedi Knights
into hiding.

Without the wisdom of
the Jedi, the Republic is
blind to this deadly peril.
Only one leader mobilizes
a brave RESISTANCE,
and sends their finest pilot
on a mission to find
the long-lost Jedi…

The number of name drops is now down to four, and I’m very happy with that. The crawl is getting to the place where it could serve as an introduction to newcomers to the story. Leaving the identity of this Resistance leader secret makes more sense of the following scene:
“The General? To me she’s royalty.”

What a grand and intoxicating innocence. How could you be so naive? There is no escape. Come, lay down your weapons. It is not too late for my mercy.
Episode 9 Rewrite THE SHATTERED SWORD (Complete!)
The Force Awakens Restructured (V3 Released!) and The Starlight Project (WORKPRINT RELEASED!)

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I like that quite a bit, actually. I think the first two sentences of the second paragraph are a little clunky, but don’t have much by way of suggestions for improvement at the moment.

a trolling bantha

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Looking good. The only thing is, “last of the Jedi Knights” implies the possibility of a group. How about, “last Jedi Knight”?

“After a time, you may find that having, is not so pleasing a thing after all, as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true.” - Spock

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I kind of like the idea that it’s vague, since it allows the viewer to imagine as many Jedi as they want. Luke did have a school, so he could have rescued some of his students. Of course he didn’t, but I’d like to leave that possibility open as long as possible, to heighten the mystery around the Jedi at this time.

Here’s another attempt, trying to make the sentences less clunky:

THE FORCE AWAKENS

The galaxy is in peril.
After many years of peace,
the last of the Jedi Knights
has vanished.

In his absence, generations
of fanatic soldiers, stationed
on a secret Imperial base,
have completed a weapon
that can devour entire stars.
Without the protection of
the Jedi, the New Republic
is blind to this hidden
threat.

Only one leader resists
this evil FIRST ORDER.
Mobilizing her most loyal
officers, she sends her
finest pilot in search
of the long-lost Jedi,
master of the vast
and powerful Force…

Needless to say, here I’m playing up the legend for all it’s worth. 😉

What a grand and intoxicating innocence. How could you be so naive? There is no escape. Come, lay down your weapons. It is not too late for my mercy.
Episode 9 Rewrite THE SHATTERED SWORD (Complete!)
The Force Awakens Restructured (V3 Released!) and The Starlight Project (WORKPRINT RELEASED!)

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 (Edited)

After some thought and more than a few rewrites, here’s what I’ve come up with:

EPISODE IIV
THE FORCE AWAKENS

The Jedi Knights are gone.
Without their protection,
the shadow of the Empire
again darkens the stars.

A mighty stellar foundry,
once the backbone of
the Imperial machine,
has remained hidden from
the new Republic. Now
a sinister FIRST ORDER
and its fanatical legions are
forging it into a weapon
of unspeakable power.

Fearing that their doom
is nearer than the
Republic dares to accept,
one general forms a
covert RESISTANCE
and sends her finest pilot
in search of the long-lost
Jedi…

It has five name drops, is shorter than TFA’s crawl, and has much more explanation of the First Order and its power.

I had the idea that the First Order has simply re-purposed a preexisting Imperial forge for their weapon. This would explain their shiny new tech in TFA and even their overwhelming forces in TLJ.

What a grand and intoxicating innocence. How could you be so naive? There is no escape. Come, lay down your weapons. It is not too late for my mercy.
Episode 9 Rewrite THE SHATTERED SWORD (Complete!)
The Force Awakens Restructured (V3 Released!) and The Starlight Project (WORKPRINT RELEASED!)

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I like that one too, but I don’t like the word “gone” in the beginning. Not … I dunno … important-sounding? Having trouble finding the words…

a trolling bantha

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 (Edited)

The first part bothers me a bit. I understand that it’s a metaphor, but shadows literally can’t darken stars so it sounds a bit weird. The First Order themselves are now literally darkening stars though, so that’s something.

The second part is a bit too unclear and symbolical for me. There are many words that hold meaning while not actually describing what we’re dealing with so you don’t know what to focus on. “Foundry”, “backbone”, “machine”, “forging”. I think you could be more to the point. The important parts are “hidden”, “First Order” and “weapon” so don’t put too many mysterious words around them.

The last part is pretty good, but I would change a few things. First of all I wouldn’t begin with mentioning “their doom” before we know who “they” are. And the forming of the resistance has already happened so I would say Leia “leads” them instead.

“A covert RESISTANCE fears that their doom is close at hand. With no support from the Republic, the general in charge sends her finest pilot in search of the long-lost
Jedi…” or something like that, maybe?

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NeverarGreat said:

Even when I first saw the movie, I thought that the journey to Luke should have been longer. After all, the map shows a lot of twists and turns, so I imagine there would be some obstacles and pit stops on the way to that remote island. With that in mind, here’s a very rough idea of how this could be implemented:

https://vimeo.com/247210517
Password: rey

There’s not nearly enough footage for this to be feasible yet, but perhaps by the time this trilogy is over I can revisit the idea 😉

I know it’s been awhile since you posted this but I’m really in love with this idea. I think it has a very adventurous feel to it and I think it would be a fun addition. It definitely would feel more like a journey.

I do know that there are one or two more Falcon in hyperspace shots that could be used now from TLJ, but I wonder if for some of the other shots could be made by either making some CG space environments, or even using some high quality images from Hubble, Cassini, etc. as the background and then inserting a blender model of the TFA Falcon flying through them. I know there are some pretty decent models, like this one: https://sketchfab.com/models/798f0d3be4524c8c86b77a52a88570f8

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RogueLeader said:

NeverarGreat said:

Even when I first saw the movie, I thought that the journey to Luke should have been longer. After all, the map shows a lot of twists and turns, so I imagine there would be some obstacles and pit stops on the way to that remote island. With that in mind, here’s a very rough idea of how this could be implemented:

https://vimeo.com/247210517
Password: rey

There’s not nearly enough footage for this to be feasible yet, but perhaps by the time this trilogy is over I can revisit the idea 😉

I know it’s been awhile since you posted this but I’m really in love with this idea. I think it has a very adventurous feel to it and I think it would be a fun addition. It definitely would feel more like a journey.

I do know that there are one or two more Falcon in hyperspace shots that could be used now from TLJ, but I wonder if for some of the other shots could be made by either making some CG space environments, or even using some high quality images from Hubble, Cassini, etc. as the background and then inserting a blender model of the TFA Falcon flying through them. I know there are some pretty decent models, like this one: https://sketchfab.com/models/798f0d3be4524c8c86b77a52a88570f8

That’s a pretty good idea. I don’t have the skill to make it professional and seamless, but maybe someone with the skills would be interested.

Another option would be using shots of the Falcon in TFA or TLJ such as the escape from Starkiller Base or flying through the crystal caverns, and replacing the background with nebulas and asteroids.

MalàStrana said:

NeverarGreat said:

EPISODE IIV
THE FORCE AWAKENS

I’m loving this roman numeral 😉

Whoops. 😃

What a grand and intoxicating innocence. How could you be so naive? There is no escape. Come, lay down your weapons. It is not too late for my mercy.
Episode 9 Rewrite THE SHATTERED SWORD (Complete!)
The Force Awakens Restructured (V3 Released!) and The Starlight Project (WORKPRINT RELEASED!)

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 (Edited)

I’ve been playing with a lot more ideas for the crawl recently. In one, Luke is suspected by the Republic of secretly being the leader of the First Order, in an attempt to give some actual mystery to the Supreme Leader (at least for a while). But it was a bridge too far.

Here’s one that is more in the spirit of the original TFA crawl, going so far as removing all reference to Starkiller Base:

EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS

The galaxy is in turmoil.
Luke Skywalker, last of
the Jedi Knights, has
vanished.

During his long absence,
an evil FIRST ORDER
has risen from the ashes of
the Empire to put an end to
the Jedi religion. Without
its mystic knights, the
New Republic accepts these
incursions as the cost
of preventing war.

Only one general,
unable to accept this open
aggression, forms a covert
RESISTANCE and sends
her finest pilot in search
of the last guardian of
peace and justice in the
galaxy…

What a grand and intoxicating innocence. How could you be so naive? There is no escape. Come, lay down your weapons. It is not too late for my mercy.
Episode 9 Rewrite THE SHATTERED SWORD (Complete!)
The Force Awakens Restructured (V3 Released!) and The Starlight Project (WORKPRINT RELEASED!)

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does anyone have a download link for this fan edit please

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I really like that crawl, Neverar. I almost wish I didn’t like it as much as I do so I could offer some constructive criticism.

a trolling bantha

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ChainsawAsh said:

I really like that crawl, Neverar. I almost wish I didn’t like it as much as I do so I could offer some constructive criticism.

Thanks, I’m also pretty pleased with it.

Now if I could only fit some hint of the Starkiller Base in there without making it too wordy…

What a grand and intoxicating innocence. How could you be so naive? There is no escape. Come, lay down your weapons. It is not too late for my mercy.
Episode 9 Rewrite THE SHATTERED SWORD (Complete!)
The Force Awakens Restructured (V3 Released!) and The Starlight Project (WORKPRINT RELEASED!)

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Make a Star Killer Base Emoji. Done! 😉

Do NOT self-destruct!