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The Force Awakens: The Starlight Project - WORKPRINT RELEASED — Page 30

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NeverarGreat, the new scene is great!

I don’t know how you pulled it off, but just the addition of the voices during Rey learning the Jedi mind trick makes it way more tolerable to me.

Her learning that so quick without even knowing of the technique or having any training what-so-ever, was one of the biggest scenes that pulled me completely out of the movie.

I didn’t think anything could save that scene for me.
Bravo, good sir!

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Here’s Neverar’s new video, for the people who missed it:

https://vimeo.com/353066606

Password: fanedit

My preferred saga experience:
TPM/AOTC/ROTS (Hal 9000), ANH/ESB/ROTJ (Despecialized), The Mandalorian,
TFA (Starlight), TLJ (Fallen Knight), TROS (Resurgence).
May the midichlorians be with you.

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Thanks Starkiller AG! Totally missed that.

I feel like it is really coming together, Nev! I know this is more of a test for the order of scenes, but did you want any technical notes? Or just focus on how the current structure feels?

I like the inclusion of the whispers in Rey’s second mind trick attempt! Where did you get the whispers from? And I like the children’s laughter in Falcon search scene. I think any extra dose of sympathy of Kylo we can get before his confrontation with Han helps make that moment hurt even more. Though I do think the Stormtrooper saying “Ship’s clear” could be replaced. Feels like temp dialogue, plus most of the troops have American accents.

I also think where you placed that scene feels very natural to me. Doesn’t stick out to me at all. Are you planning on adding anything to the sky when Kylo looks outside the Falcon?

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Obviously some of the effects shots are incomplete and some sound effects are still absent, like Kylo walking through the snow and the launching of the TIE fighters as Rey hides. I’m pretty happy with the order of scenes now, but if you had thoughts about the structure or the music (another work in progress) they are of course welcome.

The whispers are from TLJ when Rey first senses the Jedi tree. Since they have a sort of sinister feel I’ve incorporated them into several scenes throughout the film to highlight the idea that the Force, and more specifically the Dark Side, is calling out to her in these moments and offering her quick and easy power.

The ‘Ship’s clear’ went through a denoising pass in Audacity to remove the music, but agreed that it feels rough. If you happen across any stormtrooper dialogue that would work better that would be excellent, since I haven’t found a suitable replacement yet.

I experimented briefly with replacing the background of the Kylo shot with the Oscillator but it felt weird to have the Falcon within visual distance of the base, so my current plan is to have some subtle flashes on the underside of the clouds as if the battle is happening behind one of the closer mountain ranges.

What a grand and intoxicating innocence. How could you be so naive? There is no escape. Come, lay down your weapons. It is not too late for my mercy.
Episode 9 Rewrite THE SHATTERED SWORD (Complete!)
The Force Awakens Restructured (V3 Released!) and The Starlight Project (WORKPRINT RELEASED!)

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NeverarGreat said:

If you happen across any stormtrooper dialogue that would work better that would be excellent, since I haven’t found a suitable replacement yet.

How about the 2004 DVD addition to ANH when the stormtroopers search the Falcon (“There’s no one here”)?

a trolling bantha

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Good! I think the structure is great as-is too.

I think overall for the music, the transitions might need small touch ups, just making sure you’re not hearing two conflicting tracks at once if at all possible.

I feel like some very subtle track could be heard while Kylo looks at the energy being absorbed, and maybe could carry through then cut off at the comm interference in the following scene with Rey. Not exactly sure but just a thought.

For the First Order motif you use when they respond to the shields going down, I feel it is a little odd hearing that “dundundundun” build up during the trash compactor bit. I was wonder if you could try keeping it as-is, but stopping it when it cuts to the shot of Phasma’s head turning and Finn saying, “Yeah, there is”, then have it pick back up in the next shot. Sort of like in trailers, the music drops when there is a funny moment.

Alternatively, if you wanted it to be less funny, maybe you could cut out the bucket sound Phasma’s helmet makes. I guess I feel something feels a little off, like there’s too much, and something needs to be cut to make it work better. And in general I think there are some places where underlying music throughout that sequence could be removed more, if possible.

Ash’s suggestion for the dialogue from the 04 ANH might work, otherwise maybe one of us could record a brief replacement line.

That’s exactly what I was thinking! Having little flashes of light behind the clouds would be perfect I think.

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Okay, here are my notes on the Starkiller Infiltration sequence. Yes, I know that you have indicated that audio is not completed, but I’ve included some comments about what needs to be changed there as well.

  1. First shot of Rey trying to escape the restraints has repeated audio: her breathing and struggling sound the exact same just a second apart from each other.

  2. In the original, when Finn has Phasma lower the shields, he says, “You want me to blast that bucket of your head? Lower the shields.” While I don’t think the first part of that line is necessary, the second part is a good reminder to the audience of what we’re doing here. I really think you should consider keeping that second part of the line in.

There is a shot where Phasma’s helmet blocks Finn’s face as the camera pans across her — maybe you could have him speak the line just as the camera blocks his face with Phasma’s helmet? Like this:

“Lower the shields”
“You’re making a big mistake.”
“Do it.”

  1. I really preferred when the alarm wasn’t silent. When Phasma stands up and says, “You can’t be so stupid as to think this will be easy,” the klaxon should start going off. (I think you did this in one of your earlier edits.) Otherwise, it seems confusing to me about why it randomly starts going off moments later. Like, did they get caught? Maybe there should be a different alarm sound that just goes off on the console Phasma was working on? And then the full klaxon goes off? I don’t know.

  2. I liked that you got Rid of Finn’s joke line about Han’s nodding his head to point toward Rey. It was just a little too much attempt at humor and it fell flat.

  3. The Kylo on the Falcon sequence looks good. The audio during the cockpit sequence is great. It would be cool if there was some way to animate some small moving dots representing ships in the distance, but the flashes of lights on the clouds might do it.

“The Ziggy Edit” — A Conceptual Fanedit of Return of the Jedi

https://originaltrilogy.com/topic/Episode-VI-Return-of-the-Jedi-The-Ziggy-Edit/id/17844

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I agree that adding “Lower the shields” back might be a good idea for the sake of context. It’s harder for us to notice sometimes because we’ve seen it so much. You can’t see him say it in the theatrical cut anyway (I think it it was added in post for that very reason). I had noticed that when I originally had the idea of cutting the shield plot entirely. But that’s a good point, Zig.

Regarding the klaxons, I had the same thought, but I assumed that either 1) it felt disruptive during the extra dialogue Nev reinserted, or 2) Nev wanted Kylo to be able react to the klaxons starting in the next scene, so he decided to hold off on it in the previous scene. If it is 2, I think audience could just assume those two moments happened simultaneously, or the klaxons take time to activate throughout the base. If it is reason 1, I think that is pretty fair, but might be worth trying out just to see how distracting it is (I’m sure he has already!)

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Glad y’all brought up the klaxon delay since I had meant to ask about that. The intention behind moving it was indeed to have Kylo respond to it, with the added bonus of some cleverness on the part of Phasma: she pressed the silent alarm, which allowed her to not be immediately killed by Finn and co, and which quickly turned into a widespread alarm. This is probably too much of a stretch, since for this to be clear we would need a shot of her pressing a button under the computer console before turning back around. In lieu of this I tried using the music to imply a hidden menace to her actions before the alarm proper starts, though it seems that it’s not enough/weirdly implemented.

Finn’s line is weird as well. I’ve tried to take out just the bucket bit and leave the ‘lower the shields’, but it feels off that way.

And you’re right on both counts about the delayed klaxon, RL!

JEDIT: Thinking about it some more, it might work to place the Hux update scene right after the shield lowering scene and redub the officer to say something like: ‘silent alarm triggered in section 237. The shields are down!’

What a grand and intoxicating innocence. How could you be so naive? There is no escape. Come, lay down your weapons. It is not too late for my mercy.
Episode 9 Rewrite THE SHATTERED SWORD (Complete!)
The Force Awakens Restructured (V3 Released!) and The Starlight Project (WORKPRINT RELEASED!)

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I noticed it, but I don’t think the klaxon delay is a bad thing. I think having the menacing music start in that scene works, but like I mentioned before, maybe have it cut out temporarily during the head-turn shot, and see how that feels.

This might be a stretch, but I wonder if something could possibly be put together using Unreal Engine. Using the Phasma model from battlefront, and some kind of console model, you could make a quick insert shot of her pressing a button. Having her activate a silent alarm would make her seem even more intelligent than just sounding a regular alarm, and it might be clearer that it was intentional rather than just a side effect of the shields going down.

Obviously that might be difficult but it might be worth trying. Something like a button underneath the main console, or even a button on the top that blinks after she presses it or something. Hmm, I might do more research on this.

I think not having the klaxons blare during that scene though for the sake of the dialogue being clear is a good reason. And if you don’t think “Lower the shields” would work I don’t think it is a deal breaker. The shields being lowered seems to be implied by the screen behind her anyway.

JEDIT: I think redubbing is a great idea! I think offscreen dialogue is my go-to plan for a lot of my ideas too!! And it’d be a lot easier than animating something.

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RogueLeader said:

I noticed it, but I don’t think the klaxon delay is a bad thing. I think having the menacing music start in that scene works, but like I mentioned before, maybe have it cut out temporarily during the head-turn shot, and see how that feels.

This might be a stretch, but I wonder if something could possibly be put together using Unreal Engine. Using the Phasma model from battlefront, and some kind of console model, you could make a quick insert shot of her pressing a button. Having her activate a silent alarm would make her seem even more intelligent than just sounding a regular alarm, and it might be clearer that it was intentional rather than just a side effect of the shields going down.

Obviously that might be difficult but it might be worth trying. Something like a button underneath the main console, or even a button on the top that blinks after she presses it or something. Hmm, I might do more research on this.

I think not having the klaxons blare during that scene though for the sake of the dialogue being clear is a good reason. And if you don’t think “Lower the shields” would work I don’t think it is a deal breaker. The shields being lowered seems to be implied by the screen behind her anyway.

JEDIT: I think redubbing is a great idea! I think offscreen dialogue is my go-to plan for a lot of my ideas too!! And it’d be a lot easier than animating something.

The trickiest thing, whether an insert shot or the Hux update idea, would be to make it clear that Phasma is relaying more information with the silent alarm than would potentially be gleaned from just the shield going down.

Considering Hux being updated with some information, maybe this sequence of events:

Finn: ‘Solo, if this works, we’re not gonna have a lot of time to find Rey.’
Han: ‘Don’t worry kid, we won’t leave without her.’
Officer: ‘Sir!’
Hux: ‘Report’
Officer: ‘Receiving an order for all troops to block 24.’
Phasma: ‘You can’t be so stupid as to think this will be easy. My troops will storm this block and kill you all.’
Then have the garbage chute, Kylo update, and start of the alarm.

Additionally, removing the 15 minute ticking clock makes me happy because it was so transparently impossible for even the events of the original film to happen in such a timeframe.

What a grand and intoxicating innocence. How could you be so naive? There is no escape. Come, lay down your weapons. It is not too late for my mercy.
Episode 9 Rewrite THE SHATTERED SWORD (Complete!)
The Force Awakens Restructured (V3 Released!) and The Starlight Project (WORKPRINT RELEASED!)

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Here’s a bit of a crazy idea, might be too effects-heavy, but whatever.

Cut all references to hyperspace in the Falcon approach to Starkiller (or add a line after ‘we’re making our landing approach at light speed?’ where Han says ‘Not exactly’ or something to that effect). Then the Falcon exits hyperspace right next to the beam of sunlight being sucked into the planet. The viewport is totally filled with light, blinding everyone. Han turns the ship so its underside is towards the beam, but the light is still blinding. Chewie roars.
‘If I get any higher they’ll see us!’
Suddenly they’re through, and the ground rushes up to meet them. Continue with the current version of the crash from the edit, though with the addition of steam rising from beneath the Falcon and maybe a reddish glow that starts to dissipate through contact with the snow.

This could go a long way towards fixing one of the biggest handwaves in the entire movie, since now the Falcon’s larger size and beefier shielding would be essential to surviving this mission instead of an arcane and troubling weakness of shields to hyperspace travel (Additionally it bugs me that old man Han is able to do this while the first draft of TPM established that only Jedi reflexes could pull this off). Finally, this makes use of a necessary weakness in the Starkiller’s design while highlighting something that makes this location totally unique in all of Star Wars.

What a grand and intoxicating innocence. How could you be so naive? There is no escape. Come, lay down your weapons. It is not too late for my mercy.
Episode 9 Rewrite THE SHATTERED SWORD (Complete!)
The Force Awakens Restructured (V3 Released!) and The Starlight Project (WORKPRINT RELEASED!)

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If that could be pulled off convincingly, it would be amazing!

a trolling bantha

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I feel like ‘Receiving an order for all troops to block 24’ might be too specific, and people might wonder how she was able to relay that order in front of Finn and Han. I do think something like ‘A panic alarm was activated in block 24!”
or “panic button triggered in block 24” makes it clearer what Phasma did, and we don’t have to see her do it.

That Falcon approach idea is really interesting! It does seem a little challenging to implement though.
Obviously you would need various effects for existing shots that I think you‘re capable of doing. The biggest thing though would be to create brand new CG shots that blend well with the rest. Plus, making it clear what they’re doing without any exposition.

You would definitely need to clearly visualize the perimeter of the shield around the beam. Also, if there is an opening that the Falcon can fit through, it does beg the question why the X-Wings couldn’t also fit through it instead of bothering to disable the shield.

Also, the “if we get any higher they’ll see us!” might be confusing because of their downward orientation. Though it might just be the way I’m imagining it.

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I do think there are a few ways to approach the situation.

There is that option, which plays into the Starkiller’s weakness angle.

One alternative would be to just remove the shield plot altogether. With this option you cut out the stuff about the “shields have a fractional refresh rate” but keep “if we get any higher they’ll see us” to make avoiding their radar their clear motivation for coming in so close.

You could also try to find ways to make the current angle work more. I can’t find a good picture of it, but I was thinking you could use an insert shot from Solo of that monitor in the Falcon cockpit that they use to make sure the ship is at the right angle to make the hyperspace jump out of the maw.
And then you could make an animation that shows a diagram like Scenario B.
Starkiller jump

You might could remove the “If we get any higher they’ll see us!” in that scenario to make the motivation clear that maybe cutting it that close to the planet surface wasn’t exactly the plan.

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I’m not sure I understand what you’re getting at here. Unless I’m missing something, cutting the shield aspect would have to be done in tandem with the retrieval of the map to Luke, otherwise Han has no reason to go separately from the main fleet.

As for the the shield angle diagram, are you suggesting Scenario B is Han’s plan, in order to stay under the radar the entire time? If so, It’s a neat idea, but I don’t know if the extra effort would justify the change since the handwave about the shields and hyperspace remains unaddressed.

What a grand and intoxicating innocence. How could you be so naive? There is no escape. Come, lay down your weapons. It is not too late for my mercy.
Episode 9 Rewrite THE SHATTERED SWORD (Complete!)
The Force Awakens Restructured (V3 Released!) and The Starlight Project (WORKPRINT RELEASED!)

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Yeah, sorry! I think with that scenario you would have to change their motivation for going. Like how we discussed in another thread maybe they could get the second half of the map instead, and either succeed, or even fail, like you suggested before.

The outer circle represents the shield, so Scenario B shows that he wasn’t trying to fly directly at the planet surface, but exit hyperspace in between the planet surface and the shield by approaching it at the planet’s edge/curve or whatever.

While still crazy lucky, you can see how that approach is a little less crazy than Scenario A. But, I guess that doesn’t fix your issue with the “fractional refresh rate” being a loophole that the story introduced when it was convenient. Your new idea alleviates that, but you’ll need a few new VFX, and it raises the question of why the X-Wings don’t pass through the shields the same way the Falcon does.

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RogueLeader said:

it raises the question of why the X-Wings don’t pass through the shields the same way the Falcon does.

I’d assume for the same reason the X-wings don’t also exploit the hyperspace loophole - both methods would be almost suicidal even if your ship is as tricked-out as the Falcon. No way Leia would risk the entire fleet like that, and probably wouldn’t have even agreed for Han to try if he had told her beforehand.

What a grand and intoxicating innocence. How could you be so naive? There is no escape. Come, lay down your weapons. It is not too late for my mercy.
Episode 9 Rewrite THE SHATTERED SWORD (Complete!)
The Force Awakens Restructured (V3 Released!) and The Starlight Project (WORKPRINT RELEASED!)

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Are you removing all countdown references of the weapon charging? If so, good to hear. It’s so eye rolling when 3P0 says “and their weapon will be fully charged in 10 minutes. It would take a miracle to save us now”.

How do you feel about removing Finn saying “yeah they do” after Han asks if there’s a trash compacter? It seems like he’s in on the joke by having that response and it’s not necessary. Also, trim Finn saying “why are you doing that?” when Han is nodding.

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jkimm said:

Are you removing all countdown references of the weapon charging? If so, good to hear. It’s so eye rolling when 3P0 says “and their weapon will be fully charged in 10 minutes. It would take a miracle to save us now”.

If the re-dubbing of the Hux update scene is successful, the 15 minute one will be out by default which IMO is the silliest one. I don’t know if taking out the 10 minute reminder would make the Resistance scene too short, but it’s something to consider. The two minute update, which is now exactly two minutes before the weapon actually fires, I think works really well as a reminder and will be staying.

How do you feel about removing Finn saying “yeah they do” after Han asks if there’s a trash compacter? It seems like he’s in on the joke by having that response and it’s not necessary.

I’m okay with interpreting Finn’s reaction to be satisfaction at literally disposing of his superior, and it needn’t be interpreted as anything more than that.

Also, trim Finn saying “why are you doing that?” when Han is nodding.

That is the way Hal cut the scene in Restructured, but after incorporating it into my edit it felt too rushed with all of Finn’s dialogue removed.

What a grand and intoxicating innocence. How could you be so naive? There is no escape. Come, lay down your weapons. It is not too late for my mercy.
Episode 9 Rewrite THE SHATTERED SWORD (Complete!)
The Force Awakens Restructured (V3 Released!) and The Starlight Project (WORKPRINT RELEASED!)

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An update to the ongoing saga that is the crawl:

It is a time of despair.
Luke Skywalker, last
of the legendary Jedi
Knights, has vanished.

In his absence the evil
FIRST ORDER has risen
from the ashes of the
Empire with a weapon
more deadly than the
dreaded Death Star,
able to destroy any star
system while hidden
in the depths of space.

With the Republic held
hostage by this deadly
threat, they dare support
only a small Resistance
to locate the long-lost Jedi
and defeat the shadow now
spreading across the stars…

For this to work, I’d have to delete some of Hux’s dialogue in the Snoke scene to imply that the weapon has been ready to fire since before the start of the film, and presumably has fired as a demonstration of its threat to the Republic.

The crawl has strong echoes of ANH’s crawl which sets expectations in terms of the plot, and it establishes the Starkiller as the massive threat that it should be. The Starkiller becomes the reason the Republic is unable to take action, which is more simple and direct than discussions about treaties or a corrupted Senate. It also allows this story to explore some previously unexplored territory in having a superweapon which has presumably worked as intended for some time. Finally, it ends with language used later in the film as well as tying visually into the Finalizer’s appearance a few seconds later.

What a grand and intoxicating innocence. How could you be so naive? There is no escape. Come, lay down your weapons. It is not too late for my mercy.
Episode 9 Rewrite THE SHATTERED SWORD (Complete!)
The Force Awakens Restructured (V3 Released!) and The Starlight Project (WORKPRINT RELEASED!)

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Would you keep the scene where Leia speaks to her envoy about getting help from the Republic?

I feel like the dialogue would still work. Now the Republic thinks she is insane for wanting them to take action with this metaphorical gun to their head.

If they did know about Starkiller and the threat of the First Order, it might raise the question as to why they still had both their Senate and their fleet in one location, or why they did not build up their military defenses in response. At least the Republic thinking they were safe explains why they lacked many defenses. To be fair those questions can probably explain away similarly to how questions for the theatrical film are explained away.

Also, I wonder if Starkiller should get so much focus in the crawl even though it doesn’t become important until the second half of the movie. (I could see how a hypothetical first-time audience could immediately be turned off by the movie drawing parallels with ANH from the very start.) Though once that plot gets rolling it will fit nicely with what we do see. The first thing Leia asks Finn about is the weapon, clearly being a major priority for her. Hux’s speech would also fit with this idea, with Hux using the Republic’s tie to the Resistance as justification for their attack, as if it were a break in their armistice.

If Starkiller’s existence is common knowledge, it might could help explain how the Resistance comes up with a plan to destroy it so quickly. This is something they’ve already been researching, and they just needed Finn’s insight to hammer down the details. In the theatrical, although the Resistance might have already speculated on the weapon’s existence, it is not made very clear in the film itself that they knew about it until after it blew up Hosnian Prime. Although, what would be the explanation for why the First Order chooses to hold the Republic hostage rather than destroy them as soon as it was complete?

I do think this is a good angle though that could be explored further! I don’t think having the Republic being held hostage by Starkiller is an approach we have really considered before. You’ve been having a lot of good ideas lately so I would say explore this path. If we gotta have Starkiller, maybe the best approach is to lean into it more!

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Made a few minor changes. Let me know what you think.

It is a time of despair.
Luke Skywalker, last
of the legendary Jedi
Masters, has vanished.

In his absence the evil
FIRST ORDER has risen
from the ashes of the
Empire with a weapon
more deadly than the
dreaded Death Star,
able to destroy any star
system while hidden
in the depths of the Unknown Regions.

With the Republic held
hostage by this deadly
threat, they dare support
only a small Resistance
to locate the long-lost Jedi
Master and defeat the shadow now
spreading across the galaxy…