The Force Awakens: Starlight (V1.1 Released!) — Page 91

PM Sent!

PM Sent!

So, have we settled on a crawl yet? XD

Ok so my memory is not helping me:
Did version 1.1 fix all the monaural audio issues or is this fix happening in the upcoming 1.2?

I went through the timeline and fixed all of those issues that I could find for V1.1. There may be a few small places where they remain, as there are simply so many audio edits, but I haven’t heard any complaints about that so far 😉

I don’t love “commissioned” for pilots, I think “supporting” is stronger.

That’s fair - I think “secretly funding” covers that a bit more than directly “commissioned” (or “supporting”), then. And in terms of structure of what’s being explained, I think they should be “secretly funding” the resistance, who have “sent” pilots/a pilot.

“…
Senators have secretly
funded a brave RESISTANCE,
who have sent their most
daring pilot to find
the last Jedi and restore
the light of hope to the
darkening stars…”

Let’s not reopen the crawl discussion unless Nev says so

Nobody asked for it but here’s a tweak of it.

It is a time of despair.
Luke Skywalker, sworn
to rebuild the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.

In his absence, the
evil FIRST ORDER has
risen from the ashes
of the fallen Empire
and claimed supremacy
over worlds beyond the
fragile New Republic.

Desperate to quell this
rising threat, the Republic
has commissioned the pilots
of a covert RESISTANCE to
find the last Jedi and restore
hope to the darkening stars…

If anything, I think this is the only “tweak” that is possibly needed, only to make the First Order not seem as large, yet:

EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS

It is a time of despair.
Luke Skywalker, sworn
to rebuild the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.

With the Jedi now facing
extinction, agents of the
evil FIRST ORDER have
risen from the shadows
of an Imperial fortress
to claim supremacy over
countless worlds beyond
the fragile New Republic.

Desperate for a hero to
help resolve this crisis,
the Senate has secretly
commissioned the pilots
of a brave RESISTANCE
to find the last Jedi and
restore the light of hope
to the darkening stars….

Sounds good DZ! Definitely an improvement.

Hal, the reason I don’t care for the theatrical crawl’s wording concerning the First Order is that it makes the Order seem like it comes out of nowhere. “In his absence, the First Order has risen from the ashes of the fallen Empire” literally means that the Empire was in ashes for decades until Luke vanished, and then suddenly the First Order came into being from that. Even if we’re not supposed to believe that’s how the events played out, that’s how it’s presented.

That’s why I much prefer the current wording, since it implies that the First Order had already existed, at least on that Imperial base, for an unknown amount of time before their ambitious power grab.

The first two paragraphs are now basically perfect in my eyes, and the third works well. Though if I were to change something, it would be to make better use of the first two lines of the third paragraph to suggest that the Senate is overwhelmed by chaos, so that it ties in better with Hux’s later lines of the government which ‘acquiesces to disorder’.

EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS

It is a time of despair.
Luke Skywalker, sworn
to rebuild the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.

With the Jedi now facing
extinction, agents of the
evil FIRST ORDER have
risen from the shadows
of an Imperial fortress
to claim supremacy over
countless worlds beyond
the fragile New Republic.

Overwhelmed by rising
chaos and oppression,
the Senate has secretly
commissioned the pilots
of a brave RESISTANCE
to find the last Jedi and
restore the light of hope
to the darkening stars….

EPISODE VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS

It is a time of despair.
Luke Skywalker, sworn
to rebuild the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.

With the Jedi now facing
extinction, agents of the
evil FIRST ORDER have
risen from the shadows
of an Imperial fortress
to claim supremacy over
countless worlds beyond
the fragile New Republic.

Overwhelmed by this
emerging threat, daring
Senators have secretly
commissioned the pilots
of a brave RESISTANCE
to find the last Jedi and
restore the light of hope
to the darkening stars….

I’d like to see if we can imply it is only a few senators secretly supporting them if the third paragraph is open for revisions.

Fair enough! Let’s mark this done! For real this time.

If Nev’s shutting this down that’s grand, buuuuuut-

I feel like that new wording implies that the senate itself is being oppressed, and that it’s commissioning the resistance as a direct response to feeling overwhelmed. It’s also kind of implying that it’s only the daring senators who are overwhelmed/oppressed.

I agree that it’s still a better angle than again reinforcing that they want Luke back, but I think those two lines could be put to slightly better use. Thinking about the angle here, we want to distinguish between the state of the Senate and the actions of the ‘brave Senators’. As for the motive, senatorial indecision is a bit bland, and anything too specifically political is a bit dry, but fear of an unknown which could be a huge threat could cover a lot of ground - explaining both why the Republic is hesitant to respond with force and indecisive, and why some want to act in secret.

So, perhaps-

Fearing the scale of this
emerging threat, daring
Senators have secretly
commissioned the pilots
of a brave RESISTANCE
to find the last Jedi and
restore the light of hope
to the darkening stars….

That way, the Republic’s struck by fear of a threat they don’t yet know the size of, but the ‘daring’ ones are acting in spite of that fear, which is nice and dynamic- if implicitly risky and desperate.

I like it.