I lack the power to create new Kylo lines, which is the problem.
I’ve taken a week off and come back to the problem fresh, and have quite a few ideas on how to play these scenes. However, the biggest issue is that I’ve been trying to force some exposition about the Falcon into scenes where it doesn’t belong. A lighter touch may be all that’s needed here.
So this is what I’m thinking for the progression of scenes:
-Kylo returns to the empty cell
-Kylo is updated part 1
“Sir, the prison level is on lockdown, and the only exit is through hangar 718. She can’t hide forever.”
“The longer it takes to find her, the more dangerous she becomes.”
-Rey moves through the halls
-Kylo update part 2 (unchanged from theatrical)
“Sir, she was not found in hangar 718, but all troops are on alert.”
“Put every hangar on lockdown, she’s going to try and steal a ship to escape…
-Rey enters hangar 718
(Trooper chatter) “Did you hear the report from Precinct 94…that they found a damaged freighter?”
“Yeah, I heard it crashed. Real piece of junk.”
“Sensors triggered in hangar 718. We’re searching the area.”
This progression allows for the two line replacements to be solely Stormtrooper lines, meaning no issues with lipsync. The first line replacement establishes the geography of the coming scenes and retains the tension that even though Rey has escaped her cell she is still trapped in the prison level. It generates the expectation that Rey will inevitably come across a hangar, and since this layout is probably known to Finn it is reasonable to expect that he will make his way toward that same hangar, both to find Phasma and to get Rey. Finally, by putting the Falcon exposition so late in the progression, it more naturally leads our expectation to a scene of the First Order investigating the Falcon.