The Force Awakens: Starlight (V1.1 Released!) — Page 71

Well, you’ve convinced me, y’all 😃

I’m still not entirely happy with the final paragraph, since the movie resists all efforts to simplify the political situation. The deleted scene with Leia implies that the Senate at large will refuse to even listen to her, which means that the Senate at large doesn’t view the First Order as a threat. There’s also the odd language Hux uses in his speech about the New Republic ‘lying to the galaxy while secretly supporting the treachery of the loathsome Resistance’. It strikes me that Hux feels personally betrayed in some way by the Republic, even though he views the two governments to be at war. Granted it could all be fascistic propaganda, but it would be nice for it to mean something to the story beyond fiery words.

So I got to thinking, what if the First Order made a specific offer to the New Republic?

The galaxy is in crisis.
Luke Skywalker, striving
to restore the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.

In his absence, agents
bearing the mark of the
IMPERIAL FIRST ORDER
have emerged from exile
seeking to rejoin the
peaceful New Republic
on the condition that the
ancient Jedi be declared
extinct.

Suspicious of this peace
offering, members of the
bitterly divided Senate
have secretly called upon
a daring RESISTANCE
to discover whether the
last Jedi still lives amid
the darkening stars…

I don’t know if I’ll go in this direction, but it’s a rather compelling take.

For one, it explains why the First Order is so intent on destroying Luke - he would see through their deception immediately and would have the popularity and power to oppose them. And by so publicly claiming the Jedi to be extinct, Luke has become their greatest potential PR liability, adding more power to his reappearance in TLJ.

It also explains the First Order’s original plan, which would have been to take over the Republic from the inside (as described in the novels). When the Resistance gets in the way they change the plan to destroying the Hosnian System and taking over in the ensuing chaos.

The Starkiller weapon is almost necessary in the context of this story framing, since the First Order merely having a large fleet and army wouldn’t necessarily be an insurmountable issue to joining the Republic, but the existence of a superweapon instantly and completely shows them for the villains they are.

This framing also explains the change from the Empire to the First Order, since the organization is clearly trying (and failing) to put on a different facade. The fact that their ships and troops look the same but different works thematically rather than it coming across as entirely lazy.

Finally, the rather odd worldbuilding decision to create a galaxy free of the Jedi makes sense here since it’s a necessary condition for this setup. Rey viewing Luke and the Jedi as a myth is thematically important, as is the film’s interest in rediscovering their power.

That’s an interesting take! Because I’m obsessed with crawl-writing, I took a stab at your new idea, although somewhat different. I think it is good to establish the First Order as a threat off the bat, especially given the Jakku village scene that kicks off the film.

Hopefully you like it 🤷‍♂️

Episode VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS

Luke Skywalker has vanished!
In his absence, the peaceful
New Republic is in chaos,
countless attacks have been
made by an Imperial remnant
known as the FIRST ORDER.

In a surprising move, these
sinister agents have promised
to end the fighting on the
condition that the Jedi
are finally declared extinct.

General Leia Organa, skeptical
of this offering, has secretly
organized a RESISTANCE to
investigate this threat, and
to find her brother amidst
the darking stars…

I do! It’s a good reminder not to lose sight of the basics like the First Order’s villainy. Though I wonder if there could be a way to work in their menace without having them outright attack the Republic, as well as offering this peace. In the film Poe looks astonished at the hangar which could mean that they are so reclusive that almost nobody in the Republic knows about them.

I will think on this further.

JEDIT: Thinking about it, it makes sense to capitalize on the idea that the First Order are established enemies of the Republic but I don’t think we need to specify acts of aggression, since it’s not felt anywhere else in the movie (no ruins from First Order attacks, for example), and people generally seem pretty chill about the First Order in general and consider it a ‘there’ problem not a ‘here’ one.

I also feel like the opening attack can work with the prior insistence of them being established enemies of the Republic as well as some language at the end of the third paragraph:

The galaxy is in crisis.
Luke Skywalker, failing in
his quest to restore the
Jedi Order, has vanished.

In his absence, enemies
of the New Republic have
returned from exile as the
IMPERIAL FIRST ORDER
bearing an astonishing
offer of peace, requiring
only that the noble Jedi
shall forever be declared
extinct.

With the Senate divided,
a few rebellious leaders
have secretly called upon
a daring RESISTANCE
to find the last Jedi
and unmask the Imperial
shadow now spreading
across the stars…

NeverarGreat said:

I do! It’s a good reminder not to lose sight of the basics like the First Order’s villainy. Though I wonder if there could be a way to work in their menace without having them outright attack the Republic, as well as offering this peace. In the film Poe looks astonished at the hangar which could mean that they are so reclusive that almost nobody in the Republic knows about them.

I will think on this further.

How about this?

Episode VII
THE FORCE AWAKENS

Luke Skywalker has vanished!
In his absence, the peaceful
New Republic is afraid,
countless threats have been
made by a mysterious
Imperial remnant known as
the FIRST ORDER.

In a surprising move, these
sinister agents have promised
to end the conflict on
the condition that the
Jedi Order is finally
declared extinct.

General Leia Organa, skeptical
of this offering, has secretly
organized a RESISTANCE to
investigate this threat, and
to find her brother amidst
the darking stars…

I agree that a peace offering is too much for the crawl.

And as for the two offered revisions, neither explains the political situation sufficiently. Remember that the primary issue with my v1 crawl is that it suggests that the entire Senate has supported the Resistance which isn’t at all what the film implies.

JEDIT: Here’s an idea, one that might actually work not just for this film but for the entire trilogy:

The galaxy is in crisis.
Luke Skywalker, striving
to restore the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.

With the New Republic
gathering civilian ships
to search for the missing
Jedi, emissaries of the
IMPERIAL FIRST ORDER
have warned the Senate
that a united starfleet
would be considered an
act of war.

Refusing to fully abandon
their mission, a few
rebellious senators have
secretly called upon a
daring RESISTANCE to
find the last Jedi and
restore peace and justice
to the darkening stars…

Here we have the answer to a lot of questions in the film. Why doesn’t the New Republic use their fleet to strike back against the First Order? They don’t have a united starfleet. Why don’t they have a united starfleet? It’s a stipulation of the treaty with the Imperial remnant, which is actually part of the lore. This way, the small numbers of ships throughout the film makes sense as a consistent feature of the galaxy post-ROTJ.

This framing also has payoff in TROS with the arrival of the massive civilian fleet. If it was already being assembled by the Republic before its fall, then it doesn’t come out of nowhere.

Not to belabor the crawl, but I think it’s still a bit…wordy. Just based on how it’s designed - how it moves slowly and then fades into the distance - I think short sentences are easier for the audience to read in the limited time allotted.

The other concern is that I don’t really think anyone in the First Order cares about Luke and the Jedi except for Kylo and (to a lesser, less personal extent) Snoke. Kylo has the personal vendetta against Luke; and Snoke really only cares once there’s a threat that the Resistance will join with Luke to help bring about a new Jedi Order. “The droid will soon be delivered to the Resistance…our strategy must now change…” And Hux’s line: “Supreme Leader Snoke was explicit. Capture the droid if we can, but destroy it if we must.” It sounds to me like Snoke mainly wants to prevent a Jedi resurgence, rather than the First Order actively hunting them down.

Bear in mind too, that the galaxy perpetually has short-term memory loss about Jedi even existing. Everyone forgot about them 15 years after the Order fell the first time, and now 30 years later, when Luke’s own sister is helping to run the Republic, Rey says “Luke Skywalker? I thought he was a myth.” I know Jakku’s not the most advanced society; but still, people are stupid, yo.

I took Hux’s speech as, like you said, fascist propaganda. But, I suppose there are tons of other reasons why he might feel betrayed by the republic. Personally, I gravitate towards general disorder and chaos in the galaxy, due to ineffective New Republic governance. That explains A) Why the Senate are a bunch of dumb-dumbs who can’t even act against an obvious threat. B) Why the First Order thinks things were better under the Empire. C) Why they chose the name First Order. D) Rose’s complaints about the economy and wealth inequality in TLJ. In a similar vein, E) Why the Republic apparently has to buy their weapons and ships from private contractors, instead of having their own construction yards. Heck, maybe that even explains why Kylo would help the First Order destroy the Republic; why would a tiff with his uncle cause him to want to overthrow the entire galactic government? Etc.

“The Republic told us things would be better without the Empire. Look at how terrible everything is now though. They lied to us. We need to replace them.”

Obviously, this is all conjecture, and we can’t really too much get into this in the space of a title crawl anyway.

So, all of that in mind, how’s about something like this:

The galaxy is in crisis.
Luke Skywalker, working
to restore the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.

In the ensuing chaos,
Imperial sympathizers
have begun rising in power.
Declaring the Republic to
be broken and inept,
they demand a return
to the FIRST ORDER
of the Empire.

While the Senate stalls,
a few determined members
secretly form a daring
RESISTANCE to the threat.
They pursue a lead to the
Last Jedi’s whereabouts,
believing that Luke can
end the Imperial threat
once and for all…

Every line is 25 characters or less, except for “Have begun rising in power.” which is 27. This way, you also get the direct lead-in to Poe’s mission on Jakku (rather than the more vague “find the Last Jedi”), which matches the convention of the other films’ crawls.

Good points Sherlock! I made a few small edits to your take:

The galaxy is in crisis.
Luke Skywalker, working
to restore the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.

In the ensuing chaos,
Imperial sympathizers
have begun rising in power.
Declaring the New Republic
to be broken and inept,
they demand a return
to the Empire under the
guise of the FIRST ORDER.

While the Senate stalls,
a few determined members
secretly form a daring
RESISTANCE to the threat.
Believing that Luke can
end the Imperial threat
once and for all, they
pursue a lead to the
Last Jedi’s whereabouts…

BTW, I have updated the crawl above to discuss a civilian fleet angle.

But yes, I’m definitely belaboring the crawl, though I agree with you Sherlock about the Republic being flawed and this being a factor in the return of Imperial sympathies. All of your points are correct.

And yet, if I were to use such a crawl that writes off the Republic and the Senate as a lost cause it would sap almost all tragedy from the Republic’s destruction. More than that, it would be a betrayal of that which our heroes fought and died for over the course of thirty years.

But democracy is imperfect, it is riven with chaos and compromise, constrained by its constitutions and treaties and slow to go to war. These are not failings; these are strengths. If the reason for a return to fascism is that most of the galaxy prefers it over democracy, then there was never any hope for a Republic.

My point, if I have one, is that if the Republic is to fail, it should fail because it is too honorable, too trusting, too idealistic. It should fail due to no fault of its own, but rather because its enemies are unconstrained by honor, and it trusted the Resistance to protect it from just such treachery. Only in this way could the Republic remain sympathetic.

I don’t have a specific crawl in mind for this other than the prior one, just a feeling.

That’s a good point. Plus, that would make the whole concept of the Sequels less cynical - not so much “everything our OT heroes worked for failed because they’re bad at their job,” and more that “They succeeded for a time, but eventually the First Order stole their victory.” I think the key would be to somehow establish both that everything has been grand, but also that the First Order wants to do away with it. In under 100 words.

The galaxy is in crisis.
Luke Skywalker, working
to restore the legendary
Jedi Order, has vanished.

Peace dissolves into chaos,
and Imperial sympathizers
begin rising in power.
Declaring the Republic to
be broken and inept,
they demand a return
to the FIRST ORDER
of the Empire.

While the Senate stalls,
a few determined members
secretly form a daring
RESISTANCE to the threat.
They pursue a lead to the
Last Jedi’s whereabouts,
believing that Luke can
end the Imperial threat
once and for all…

It would also work to add “While the Senate stalls, [desperate to avoid war]” to the last paragraph; but that puts you at ten lines, and I think the other lines are all more important to the setup…

I’ve written so many versions of ‘The Senate is desperate to avoid war’ that I’ve lost count, and none of those versions even get out of the word document phase. It’s a shame since that is probably the best explanation as to why the Republic fails to act.

One problem here that is largely self-inflicted is the big restructure and its effect on the setup. In the original film, the Republic was destroyed in a surprise attack before any of our heroes knew about the Starkiller. In this version, however, not only must we explain why the Republic doesn’t act against the vague threat of the First Order, but we must also contrive some explanation for why they are unable or unwilling to act even in the face of their own impending destruction once the Resistance learns of the Starkiller.

In Restructured, it is only known that the Starkiller is charging, not what its target may be. I changed this to include reference to the Hosnian System, but that does add the issue of why the Republic can’t or won’t act. Of course, even in Restructured the target of the Starkiller would have been obvious, but saying it does add that bit of expectation for the Republic to respond in some way.

In an ideal world, I would have some dialogue indicating that the Republic is sending ships in support of the Resistance attack but show that it is too late for them to arrive in time. Then the crawl for TLJ would indicate that the Raddus and its support ships were those intended for this operation, and now exist as the last remnant of the Republic fleet. The bombers which fail in space combat may have actually won the day against the Starkiller.

JEDIT: I could change the dialogue from the scene where Leia is updated about the attack:

“General, are you seeing this?”
(Subtitled) “The Senate has responded! They are sending reinforcements.”
“But their weapon will be ready to fire in ten minutes! It would take a miracle to save us now.”

I think you’re overthinking it, Nev. When Leia sends her assistant-person to the Republic to “insist they take action against the First Order,” all the Resistance knows is that the FO just attacked a seedy bar. That’s certainly enough to make Leia worried, but do they have any tangible proof about Starkiller Base yet? Heck, they don’t seem to have any data on it at all until 10 minutes before the battle, when Poe does the whole “This was the Death Star. This is Death Star 3.0” thing. The fact that assistant-person is still there when the system is destroyed makes me think the Senate is still stalled on the matter.

Starkiller’s been built in secret, and the Republic doesn’t really seem concerned with the First Order as an organization. I don’t think it will break the suspension of disbelief if the Republic’s not actively fighting the First Order. (That’s kind of the point of the Resistance, no?)

I guess I just want there to be some way to allow the Republic to do something instead of being useless and then dying. Even Hal decided against using my dialogue discussing the Hosnian system because it would draw attention to the fact that the Republic seems to not even bother evacuating. I feel like after the Resistance learns of the Starkiller, there has to be some system in place even in a gridlocked Senate to act against its impending destruction.

Regardless of if there is dialogue about the Republic response, it might be neat to add the ships from TLJ into the final D’kar planet shot for continuity purposes.

Well, I believe I’ve found a solution to the Senate inaction. It uses deleted footage and would require a voice-over, but I’m sure some excellent volunteer could manage it since it is a standard male Resistance officer and his mouth is out of frame for most of the shot. All other hurdles such as timecode removal are old hat at this point, so it would just take a bit more work.

Here’s the mockup if anyone wants to take a gander. I’m quite proud of the scene flow and placement, personally.

JEDIT: The end of the scene felt a bit abrupt, so I lengthened it with the shot of Threepio after Leia’s pronouncement with his line ‘Oh my, this is a catastrophe!’ I suppose it could just as easily be changed to ‘Without the Republic fleet we’re doomed!’. That’s probably the best place for that line, with the catastrophe line going in the Resistance briefing scene.

That’s neat. My voice might suit that guy’s face, I’ll send you a couple of sample clips by PM.

I like it

Thanks Eddie! Your voice is great! Not an exact match to the actor (that would of course be impossible) which means all his lines would probably need replacing, but that strikes me as an opportunity…

…because the character only has one other line in the film that I can see, which is in the Resistance Briefing scene where he says ‘A laser cannon.’ In reading the general Sequel fanedit ideas thread, there was the idea that the Starkiller was only a single-use weapon, so it would probably be fairly simple to change his line to ‘A single use laser cannon’ or ‘a one-use laser cannon’, where he says the first part off-screen.

As for the invented scene, Here’s a few ideas for alternate dialogue which may be better:

“General, the Senate has responded and is scrambling ships. Will they reach us in time?”
“They haven’t got a chance.”

or

“General, the Senate has voted to scramble the fleet. Will it reach us in time?”
“They haven’t got a chance.”

That’s a fair assessment, Octorox. Perhaps something like this:

“General, the Senate has voted to send reinforcements. Will they reach us in time?”
“They haven’t got a chance.”

This way it’s up to the viewer to determine how many ships will be sent (though I like the idea that the ships at the beginning of TLJ are the ones that made it).

In any case, here’s the updated scene with Eddie’s excellent line reading and Threepio’s new line, as well as some more audio work. I think it’s starting to look like a real scene!

NeverarGreat said:

“General, the Senate has voted to send reinforcements. Will they reach us in time?”
“They haven’t got a chance.”

This way it’s up to the viewer to determine how many ships will be sent (though I like the idea that the ships at the beginning of TLJ are the ones that made it).

Big fan of this personally.