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The Clone Wars: Refocused [up to s01e05 upgraded to v2.0] — Page 63

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I totally understand that. I just want to make sure that I let you in on anything I change, since you did 99% of the work I’m basing my personal copy on.

Thank you again for doing this. I makes a huge difference for the series’ watchability.

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I would leave Anakin’s line “What was that about?” intact. To me it feels he’s just teasing Obi-Wan, rather than being actually confused. You know, typical bro banter.

The inclusion of Ahsoka’s scene is great, and don’t mind if it’s the only time we see her in this episode. The original CW episodes had an habit of doing this often (example: Ventress or Dooku having a single context-providing scene each in the episode where Savage finds Maul).

I’m going to take a look at it and see how it goes!! Great job overall

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 (Edited)

Hi Eddie,

I’ve now watched every episode you’ve done so far and I’m honestly just astounded by the level of work you have put into this. Whilst I was watching I had a fair few little ideas here and there for possible changes but I was too swept up in the excitement to jot anything down. I’m now going to rewatch all of the episodes again and make some notes, since you seem to welcome all feedback and ideas.

I just rewatched the 2.2 cut of Dark Force Rising and it’s truly amazing work. I have one suggestion for a cut though, and that’s… do we really need the anakin/padme reunion scene? It’s just the same horribly clenched “I love you so much but it’s forbidden” dialogue that made us all sick up when we saw ATOC for the first time and doesn’t add anything new to the characters or advance the plot. All it does do is serve to remind us of their love and connection but I think the shot towards the end where Anakin puts his hand through the hologram of Padme is a much more subtle - and less cringey - way of achieving the same thing. So we could cut directly from Yoda saying “A knight, he shall be” to the cool shot of the light streaming in from the open door to the darkened council chamber (or whatever that room is).

Just a thought : )

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 (Edited)

Cheers Cabijista, great to have you with us!

It has been quite a mammoth project, for sure! Luckily it grew over time and I’ve been able to develop and revise my plans as the strategy changed. I have a little less time lately but I’m glad I’ve still been able to find enough time to make some progress at least! I’m completely committed to getting through the whole thing.

Your feedback is VERY welcome, and it’ll be awesome to have it per episode if you’re up for it! Timed with my current re-releases would be awesome but I’ll take whatever you can give!

Your suggestion about Dark Force Rising is a good one. I hadn’t scrutinised Tartakovsky’s miniseries too much because I suppose I’d always treated it as something other, but now that it’s more officially included I should think about that! I’ll review your idea more closely soon!

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One thing I do like about this scene though, is that it shows C-3PO with his new Gold plating. Which otherwise is never shown in other media.

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Hi Eddie and Cabijista,

I actually had the same idea as Cabijista and started working on a little edit of Dark Force Rising. I’ve been trimming it up, improving some transitions, deleting some scenes, and making it more tight. It’s about 5-10 minutes shorter than Eddie’s version. The only problem is I am extremely busy with school and life in general, so I don’t know when I’ll be able to finish. When I am though, I’d be happy to send a link to whoever wants to see it.

Cheers!

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Lovely, nlpearce, keep them coming! I’d be interested in a list of your changes.

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 (Edited)

Hopefully get a quick turnaround on my s01e04 ASSASSIN (v2.0), as it doesn’t need much work. Bear in mind this episode is NOT the original episode called Assassin (where Ahsoka protects Padmé from Aurra Sing), and instead this episode is Cloak of Darkness with only light changes. I’m calling it ASSASSIN to help direct the viewer’s attention to a major character, and because ‘Cloak of Darkness’ was always a bit guff.

Now that I’ve restructured the first half of the first season, this episode fits in a place where it gives and takes context from the surrounding episodes.

So here’s my current idea for the crawl:

  • Conflicts erupt in the early days of the Clone Wars.
  • The Republic have learned the the Malevolence assault plan was leaked to Count Dooku, leading to fears of Separatist infiltration.
  • Having safely protected Duchess Satine from Death Watch, Anakin and Obi-Wan now rejoin the main clone fleet in its hunt for Grievous.

— new page —

  • The traitor NUTE GUNRAY has been caught sending Ryloth’s military secrets to his fellow Separatists, and is being escorted to prison.
  • Master LUMINARA UNDULI has asked Ahsoka to help guard Gunray, as they hope to learn the location of Grievous, and Dooku’s plans.
  • But Dooku will not allow that information to fall into enemy hands…

In this context:

  • The villains are correctly used: Dooku strategises and directs the others, Grievous is his huge military asset, Ventress is his surgical specialist, and Nute Gunray is a lesser military leader.
  • In Malevolence, Dooku somehow knew about the incoming assault and told Grievous about it. It was never explained how he knew this. In Cloak of Darkness, we see a Republic guard turned traitor for cash. I think it’s worth playing up the infiltration angle, because it ties up two potentially loose ends, but also because having this much infiltration early seems pretty powerful for our villains. It never gets massively developed in the show, though there are other traitors, most notably Pong Krell, so it adds a little value to attribute that all to Dooku the strategist.
  • I had to mention Anakin and Obi-Wan’s absence so I’ve tied it to the context of finishing up their Mandalore story (using the opportunity to remind the viewer that the Republic should fear a Mandalorian-Separatist alliance, and emphasising why it was important they leave the Grievous hunt to do that), and tied them into the next episode’s Grievous hunt, which wraps up this half-season.
  • I also mention Ryloth here. Our episode s01e06 will be the Ryloth episode, where another Neimoidian has taken Ryloth’s skies, so there’s an opportunity to tie it back to here - perhaps Nute Gunray had some intel he was able to give to Mar Tuuk.
  • The next paragraph sets up this episode, and highlights that the location of Grievous might be known by Gunray, explaining why Dooku’s sent Ventress to rescue or kill him, and tying in to this half-season’s plot.
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Hi Eddie, love the thinking behind the crawl. Ties together many things very neatly. Some suggestions though…

  • Conflicts erupt in the early days of the Clone Wars.

(Changed the order of the next two sentences so the events of the last episode are mentioned first.)

  • Having successfully safeguarded Duchess Satine from Death Watch, Anakin and Obi-Wan now rejoin the main clone fleet in their pursuit of General Grievous

(“Successfully safeguarded” works better than “safely protected”, as safely protected implies that you could somehow be “unsafely” protected. I think the word “hunt” is a little too militaristic for the Jedi who are supposedly enlightened and keepers of the peace. So I changed it to “pursuit”. Added “General” Grievous as both Satine and Dooku got their respective titles added when they’re first mentioned in the crawl and it seemed odd to leave it out for him alone.)

  • Meanwhile, the Republic have learned that their assault plan against the Malevolence was leaked to Count Dooku, arising fears of a Separatist spy.

(Just some minor tweaks to possibly improve the clarity of the text)

— new page —

  • The covetous NUTE GUNRAY has been caught sending Ryloth’s military secrets to his fellow Separatists, and is being escorted to jail

(Jail not prison cause surely the republic would grant him a trial and not just convict a man without a court order. “Covetous”, I think is a slightly better word here than “greedy”)

  • Master LUMINARA UNDULI has asked Ahsoka to help question Gunray, as they hope to uncover both Grievous’ location, and Dooku’s plans.

(The original text “…learn the location of Grievous, and Dooku’s plans” reads like they want to learn the location of plans made by Grievous and Dooku, so I changed it to make it more clear

  • But Dooku will not allow that information to fall into enemy hands…

———

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Nice, nice, nice, thank you! I like all of this.

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I like most of Cabijista’s version but have a couple of tiny suggestions:

Conflicts erupt in the early days of the Clone Wars.

Having successfully protected Duchess Satine from Death Watch, Anakin and Obi-Wan now rejoin the clone fleet in their pursuit of General Grievous.
(successfully safeguarded > successfully protected, to reduce the number of “s” words in close proximity)
(cut “main” because it just seems a little wordy and they weren’t seemingly with the fleet at all previously)

Meanwhile, the Republic has learned that the assault plan against the Malevolence was leaked to Count Dooku, raising fears of a Separatist spy.
(“have” > “has” learned and “their” > “the” - because “the Republic” is usually a singular noun)
(“arising” > “raising” - grammatical fix)

The covetous NUTE GUNRAY has been caught sending Ryloth’s military secrets to his fellow Separatists, and is being escorted to jail.
(Not sure about the name-drop of Ryloth, since it’s not been mentioned yet, but I understand that you are setting up the Ryloth battle to come)

Master LUMINARA UNDULI has asked Ahsoka to help question Gunray, as they hope to uncover both Grievous’ location and Dooku’s plans.
(removed the comma before “and Dooku’s plans”)

But Dooku will not allow that information to fall into enemy hands…

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 (Edited)

Hi Eddie and Vranir

Really great suggestions there! Just a few final thoughts…

  • Having successfully protected Duchess Satine from Death Watch, Anakin and Obi-Wan now rejoin the clone fleet in their pursuit of General Grievous

Agreed that this works best as the sentence currently stands. However, I was thinking that Obi-Wans initial mission wasn’t to protect the duchess, but to investigate a possible link to separatists on Mandalore. He then encounters the terrorist bombing, finds death watches base of operations and finally stops them from an attempt to blow up mandalores equivalent of Air Force One and kidnap the duchess (paradoxically, since they were more than happy to shoot at her when she was on the moon). The point being, uncovering the identity of Death Watch and stopping both their attempts to harm the Duchess and to gain political footholds seems to be the real success of that mission for obi-wan. So I think a stronger alternative sentence would be…

  • Having thwarted the actions of the extremist group “Death Watch” in the Mandalore system, Anakin and Obi-Wan now rejoin the clone fleet in their pursuit of General Grievous.

Agreed that since Ryloth hasn’t been introduced yet it has to be identified as a planet, otherwise you could be watching this for the first time and think Ryloth was a person.
Also upon further reflection, not sure about the “jail” end of that sentence as it sort of supposes that republic law is universal. I think a better alternative would be:

  • The covetous NUTE GUNRAY has been caught sending military secrets from the planet Ryloth to his fellow Separatists, and is being escorted to Coruscant to await trial.

I also just noticed the near rhyme of “plans” and “hands” between the two last sentences and now I can’t unsee it 😂. I think adding a “so easily” at the end would fix that.

———

So now just for the sake of clarification the whole crawl would read:

  • Conflicts erupt in the early days of the Clone Wars.
  • Having thwarted the actions of the extremist group “Death Watch” in the Mandalore system, Anakin and Obi-Wan now rejoin the clone fleet in their pursuit of General Grievous.
  • Meanwhile, the Republic has learned that the assault plan against the Malevolence was leaked to Count Dooku, raising fears of a Separatist spy.

— new page —

  • The covetous NUTE GUNRAY has been caught sending military secrets from the planet Ryloth to his fellow Separatists, and is being escorted to Coruscant to await trial.
  • Master LUMINARA UNDULI has asked Ahsoka to help question Gunray, as they hope to uncover both Grievous’ location and Dooku’s plans.
  • But Dooku will not allow that information to fall into enemy hands so easily…
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I think maybe “such information” rather than “that information” in the last sentence too, just cause we don’t know exactly what Gunray knows at this point and “that” implies that he definitely has the information, where as “such” just maybe indicates that any possibility of information like that getting out is something that Dooku is going to take very seriously and put a stop to.

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Great thoughts folks, thanks.

Just giving a quick update to say I’m going to be on holiday for the next couple of weeks, so won’t have anything out for a little while. s01e04 Assassin is almost done though.

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 (Edited)

Turns out I did get a little extra time, so I’ll get a workprint of this episode out.

Anyway, having reviewed all your comments guys, I’ve refreshed the crawl. I can’t include all of your suggestions since I’m limited on space, so often tighter words and phrasing is key. But I went through all your notes and commentary for your intents. I also modified a little more in the second half. It now reads:

  • Conflicts erupt in the early days of the Clone Wars.
  • Having safely escorted the Duchess Satine off Mandalore, Anakin and Obi-Wan rejoin the clone fleet searching for General Grievous.
  • Meanwhile, the Republic has learned that the Malevolence attack plan had been leaked to Count Dooku, and now fears Separatist spies.
    — new page —
  • The traitor NUTE GUNRAY, while attempting to sell the planet Ryloth’s military secrets, has been captured by Master LUMINARA UNDULI.
  • Escorting him to trial, Luminara has asked Ahsoka to help question Gunray, as they hope to learn Grievous’ location and Dooku’s plans.
  • But Dooku will not allow such information to fall into enemy hands…

I changed the first main para from protecting the Duchess from Death Watch to escorting the Duchess off Mandalore. That was the key there, since it was what brought Anakin into the new situation, and it emphasises the importance of protecting the Duchess for the sake of Mandalore’s independence. It’s also important to say the word ‘Mandalore’ as much as possible, to keep that plotline prominent.

Calling Nute a traitor is the most correct and valuable descriptor for him, since he was a Republic trader (the Trade Federation is Republic and the Naboo blockade was a civil dispute) but has now turned Separatist (and is no longer associated with the Trade Federation, currently pretending to have gone straight). It also tells us he’s a Separatist without us needing that word.

I’m not quite sure about “Luminara has asked Ahsoka to help question Gunray”, though, since I don’t know why she’d want Ahsoka’s help. I’d like to reformat that so she’s more the stand-in teacher for Anakin, while covering the same beats (and the same spacing). Though at a push, I suppose the fact that she’s escorting him to trial isn’t vital to the plot, plus it’s covered in dialogue.

Anyway, I should get a workprint out shortly. It’s missing a couple of changes to audio I’d like to make, but it’ll be worth the review.

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The only part that sounds awkward to me is the following paragraph:

Meanwhile, the Republic has learned that the Malevolence attack plan had been leaked to Count Dooku, and now fears Separatist spies.

There’s nothing really wrong with it, but how about the following more streamlined version:

Meanwhile, the Republic has learned that a Separatist spy may have leaked the Malevolence attack plan to Count Dooku.

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 (Edited)

Oh man, looks like I failed to send my last message!

Workprint released - s01e04 - Assassin (v2.0)

The episode formerly known as Cloak of Darkness.

It’s just a trimmed and polished version of the trimmed and polished original edit, with a few suggested tweaks such as reordering of the opening scenes, tighter dialogue, and slightly tighter characterisation. In context we’re interrogating Nute Gunray to get Grievous’ location, which makes it far more compelling than the original.

This isn’t the final release version, as I need to source a few more bits of audio:

  • Ahsoka shouting “Assassin” at Ventress (I can probably source this from the actual episode originally called Assassin)
  • Anakin saying “Ahsoka” softly, to replace “I’m sorry Master”/“It’s OK, Snips
  • A couple lesser ones I forget right now.

But hey, all the actual cuts are final if anyone wants to review this version.

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I don’t see the review cut link anywhere on the spreadsheet.

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Ah, right you are. I must have not launched this one properly. I’ll fix it when I can, watch this space.

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Hello EddieDean I’ve got a curious question.

If I were to follow your viewing order of Season 4 would it jarring to watch it with only the original episodes?

Working on many edits, may take many years to complete…

Also known as Mr. Liquid Jungle.

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I think you’re pretty safe! Their opening narration may mention events you’ve not seen, but I definitely don’t think anything is broken by them. I’d be really interested to hear how you think they all flow as the run-up to the end of the show, so please feed back!

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Well, I can confirm this order works extremely well with the original episodes.

Also I’ve got a suggestion for perhaps moving the episode ‘Bounty’ in between ‘Maul Rules Mandalore’ and ‘Ahsoka’s Fall’. Just an idea.

Working on many edits, may take many years to complete…

Also known as Mr. Liquid Jungle.

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Excellent, thanks Paja! I haven’t changed much of the original order at all, but have some questions!

  • Did you feel, in this batch, like the Maul content worked as standalone episodes, or would you rather have merged it?
  • Same question for the whole show.
  • Did the Mortis arc feel like it belonged here, as a dark hint at things to come? Or did it feel like it belonged earlier?
  • Did Scipio feel like an appropriate first episode after Ahsoka’s fall, or would another have served better? (There is no episode where Anakin outright addresses it emotionally)
  • Did the first Yoda episode feel like it should have been merged with the later three?
  • Did you watch the Son of Dathomir audio comic? Did you think it was necessary? Good?
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EddieDean said:

Excellent, thanks Paja! I haven’t changed much of the original order at all, but have some questions!

  • The Maul content works very well standalone, with including these episodes between one another I feel boosts a fiercer danger in the background.
  • The Mortis arc being situated here I believe strengthens Yoda’s arc by perhaps having the viewer wonder later if the vast majority of the events in that arc were just a vision or not.
  • Scipio felt like a nice and slow interval, especially after the events of Ahsoka’s fall.
  • I feel the first Yoda episode would be better off merged with the later three.
  • Not much to say on Son of Dathomir. I thought was a great and small inclusion.

Working on many edits, may take many years to complete…

Also known as Mr. Liquid Jungle.

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That’s really useful insight Paja, thanks!

Anyway folks, apologies for the confusion last week, I was on holiday and didn’t get things quite right.

Either way, now for real:

Workprint released - s01e04 - Assassin (v2.0)

The episode formerly known as Cloak of Darkness.

It’s a trimmed and polished version of the trimmed and polished original edit, with a few suggested tweaks such as reordering of the opening scenes, tighter dialogue, and slightly tighter characterisation. In context we’re interrogating Nute Gunray to get Grievous’ location, which makes it far more compelling than the original as it ties into what we’ve established as the key thrust of the first half of season one, and will be paid off next episode.

I’m interested in your feedback as ever!

All actual edits are final, but I’m still just calling this a workprint for now, as I need to source a few more bits of audio:

  • Ahsoka shouting “Assassin” at Ventress when she ignites her blades against her (I can probably source this from the actual episode originally called Assassin)
  • Anakin saying “Ahsoka” softly, to replace “I’m sorry Master”/“It’s OK, Snips”, becuase I don’t feel like ‘Snips’ is quite right in that context.
  • A slightly better fitting (more final/punctual) “You” for Ventress’ “Skywalker’s not here to save you.”

Shouldn’t take long to finish off, though if any of you know of good sources of that audio I’d be appreciative.

As an aside, with the news that Hayden might appear in the Ahsoka show, I guess the fire’s really lit under me to keep the pace up for this show now!