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The Clone Wars: Refocused - Returning to work soon(ish!) — Page 68

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Thanks so much to everyone who gave feedback on s02e02 Massacre. That’s all been extremely useful, and I’m really glad to hear that you all think the idea broadly lands well.

Artan42 said:

Did you do any changes to the music? The scene of the Nightsisters commandeering the AAT sounds very like the Knights of Ren theme.

I didn’t, that’s the original audio!

RogueLeader said:

There are some times where I think a more traditional L or J cut would make for a more natural transition than the more Star Warsy wipe, but that’s just a part of the shows style that you’re trying to stay consistent with, so it is not really a complaint.

I think that’s a valid observation! Whilst wipes are permitted, they’re not the best option, and I think that both in this episode and the wider edit I should always ask if they’re strictly necessary, especially if the audio can carry the transition instead of the video. I’ll review these again.

Burbin said:

The one thing that didn’t really work for me was the way you sprinkled some dialogue from Massacre into LoG, namely both of Grevious’ calls with Dooku. Firstly, I get the idea of trying to more explicitly tie Ventress to the attack on Grevious’ Lair, but it really doesn’t come off that way. The lines from Massacre don’t really gel with the originals, so it ends up feeling like two different conversations happening at the same time. Secondly, I feel that interjecting talk about Ventress and the witches takes away all importance from the immediate plot about Grevious having to fend off against Fisto & company, it makes that confrontation drag as it feels like something we just have to get over with so the real plot of the episode can begin.

In my opinion it would work a lot better if first we focused on Grevious fighting off the intruders on his lair, juxtaposed with Ventress recieving a warm welcome home and celebrating with the night sisters. And then after Grevious has successfully defeated his assailants, he’s contacted by Dooku and comanded to take vengeance against Ventress (now Grevious becomes the assailant!). I would say to remove the first conversation with Dooku entirely, cutting instead from Ventress’ baptism to Grevious fully repaired ready to fight the Jedi again. This makes Grevious feel more isolated as he deals with the surprise intruders on his own, instead of getting a random call from Dooku that aknowledges the intruders but doesn’t make any further remarks or offer any help. Then once he kills Nahdar and the clones and forces Fisto to flee, he is contacted by Dooku simply to command him to attack the witches on Dathomir.

Here’s a rough mockup I did of how it could play out:
https://vimeo.com/667454669

I think Dooku’s expressions and mouth movements sinc up well enough to pass off. I also like that it would remove the bit where Grevious has to coyly tell Dooku that Fisto escaped, framing it as a failure. I’d say he did pretty good for a surprise attack, specially now that it was not a “test” set up by Dooku, I think it’s better to just remove all of that dialogue. This also falls in line of your goal of making Grievous appear more menacing in TCW:R, this is one of the few episodes where we actually see him hunting down Jedi and that bit of dialogue kinda undermines it.

Artan42 said:

The cut to Mas is a bit quick but there’s no way around that.

On these two points, I think there’s something I can do here. I was on the fence about having Dooku discuss Ventress earlier, but perhaps as Burbin says, it’s unnecessary. I might use the other scene of their call to bridge the episodes though, so after Grievous deals with Fisto he’ll take the call with Grievous that he rolls up to on his chair, because that one gives us the most freedom in terms of audio changes. And to extend the transition between episodes slightly, I think there’re some shots of Grievous marshalling the army and then heading to space that I can use there. I’ll explore that idea further.

Artan42 said:

Retribution would be a good name as it ties up the loose ends and opens some new ones in terms of the Savage/Ventress/Grievous/Dooku (and by ecxtention Palps/Talzin) relationships.

I think I’m swinging to Retribution too. Ventress’ leak is her retribution, then Grievous takes his with the Massacre. Since the theme of the episode has changed, I think this is more appropriate.

I’ll leave it a little longer before returning to this episode, just in case more feedback is forthcoming.

One thing I’m still curious about is the addition of the coda with Savage searching the galaxy. Does it work? Does it feel out of place? I wouldn’t add it back to the start of the Monsters episode (where Maul is rediscovered), so I think it belongs here if at all.

The Clone Wars: Refocused

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RELEASED - S02E05 - Tales of the Lost Clones (V2.0)

  • RELEASE VERSION, now brought up to my more polished 2.0 standard, and with proper transitions between chapters.
  • Our fifth episode of season two.
  • A special anthology episode comprising the original episodes Hidden Enemy, Missing in Action, and The Deserter
  • Running 45 minutes (with each chapter being 12-15 minutes long).
  • DOWNLOAD LINK is in the tracker spreadsheet, PM me for access.
  • Note: It’s recommended that you download this before watching, rather than streaming it directly from Google Drive.

This is a special anthology episode focusing on clone loyalty, often with Captain Rex at the center. Aggregating three episodes this way gave me a way to present the audience with three good but short stories carved out of larger and less valuable content, and combining them allowed their core themes to complement and reinforce each other. It also serves to provide a highlight to Captain Rex, whose relationship with loyalty is a secondary - but still important - theme of the show, which I’ve chosen to focus one episode per season on, so it grows gradually whilst not taking too much focus from our core plotlines.

I opted to avoid planetary establishing shots and much exposition, instead letting each chapter stay small scale and isolated from wider context, to allow each chapter’s content and this anthology’s core theme to be the primary takeaway.

Noteworthy changes:

  • The episode is titled ‘Tales of the Lost Clones’ to highlight its anthology feel and shared theme. ‘Lost in Spirit’ highlights the traitor clone’s betrayal of his brothers, ‘Lost in Mind’ highlights Gregor’s mental instability which is a major part of his character that we’ll return to in future media, and ‘Lost in Heart’ highlights Cut’s loyalty shifting without beytrayal.
  • The opening text emphasises the core theme of the anthology and gives a little highlight to Rex, and makes clear that these stories are not necessarily at the same time in the war. It only mentions our first chapter starting after an ambush, since that’s immediate context that I think is necessary to avoid disorientation.
  • Our first chapter is LOST IN SPIRIT, featuring the traitor clone subplot from Hidden Enemy, with barely any trims. I placed this chapter first in this anthology since it features Anakin and Obi-Wan, which serves to ‘hand off’ the plot to Rex and the clones from our more familiar main characters. It would also be less interesting if it followed the other two chapters, since it’s less nuanced, but it’s a good introduction to the idea of clones questioning blind obedience. (As a note, I didn’t want to include this content with the Christophsis storyline because I felt that starting our show with a traitor clone right off the bat raised too many questions.)
  • Our second chapter is LOST IN MIND, featuring the Gregor subplot from Missing in Action, the third episode in the four-part Droids in the Void arc. That arc is pretty horrible, full of bland imagery and really childish goofiness, so this is the only time in my edit we’ll see any of its content. The Gregor story, however, was decent, and Gregor returns in later media. I trimmed some of the closing action and as much of the goofy droid behaviour as possible, as well as cutting Gascon’s dialogue down so that he appears more competent and a much more legitimate leader. This episode doesn’t explain why R2 is present, but I don’t think I have a good option here. (The first release of this edit put lots of exposition in the opening text, but it was far too much to ask the viewer to remember.) I think it’s a fair trade-off for the quality we get in return.
  • Our third and final chapter is LOST IN HEART, featuring the Cut Lawquane subplot from The Deserter, the second episode in the loose Grievous Intrigue/Deserter duology, with barely any trims. I’ll be eventually making the remaining content into a regular bonus episode, but it won’t be part of the main version of my edit. The Cut Lawquane story is one of the frequently-cited highlights of The Clone Wars, and Cut Lawquane appears in later media, so it was important to include this somewhere in my edit. This was the best episode to end on since it’s got a nice emotional ending with Rex riding away with time to mull over the lessons he’s learned, helping to forment the change in the viewer’s mind too.
  • It took me a long time to get the transitions between episodes in a decent place, especially the audio, since it necessitated something that was both an ending and could carry a return to the opening titles. I think and hope I’ve achieved this, but feedback would be appreciated if it still doesn’t work (though I’ve got no idea what I’ll do if it doesn’t).

Onward to s02e06, a new episode using the Jedi Crash duology of episodes. This’ll be the least important episode of my show - and remain marked as a ‘bonus’ episode rather than a main episode in my tracker. However, I’m going to add it presented as the sixth episode of the season because it rounds out exactly what the season needed at this point - a little more Anakin, a little more Ahsoka, a little more of Ahsoka’s development solo, a little extra layer to their relationship, and a little more exploration on the war’s effects on the ‘little guy’. Plus, while it’s quite light, it does feature an excellent bit of opening action that I’d always hoped to include somewhere.

The Clone Wars: Refocused

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Missing in Action brings in the old good days of the clone commando CC-5576-39 Gregor as his story was diversed and how he remembered the battle of sarrish. I might not be able to put this in an edit of what I’m doing so it’s best to leave it as it always is. Therefore, I’m able to use some of Edited 1E16 1st chapter lost in spirit intertwine both Ventress, Anakin and Obi-Wan Kenobi + Cody and Rex fighting of slick at different refresh rates. I will be able to watch lost in mind and give any advice to see what needs to be changed. Although, I made up my mind having to make an edit of Obi-wan encountering the death watch instead of three separate events.

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EddieDean said:

Onward to s02e06, a new episode using the Jedi Crash duology of episodes. This’ll be the least important episode of my show - and remain marked as a ‘bonus’ episode rather than a main episode in my tracker. However, I’m going to add it presented as the sixth episode of the season because it rounds out exactly what the season needed at this point - a little more Anakin, a little more Ahsoka, a little more of Ahsoka’s development solo, a little extra layer to their relationship, and a little more exploration on the war’s effects on the ‘little guy’. Plus, while it’s quite light, it does feature an excellent bit of opening action that I’d always hoped to include somewhere.

I’ve just conducted a review of this duology. That initial action sequence really is fantastic, and the Ahsoka/Anakin content is pretty decent. The core plotline, about the Lurmen being pacifist (even whilst under attack) feels quite ham-fisted and underdeveloped, and the storyline about the Separatists on the planet is both underdeveloped and very goofy. So I think the right approach here will be to preserve the content from the first episode, cutting a handful of the weaker Lurmen moments, whilst dropping almost the entirety of the second episode, keeping only a handful of pieces of decent dialogue, and probably the very last couple of shots as the Republic ships arrive.

This episode might end up the shortest yet - perhaps around 18 minutes - but I’m not aiming for any particular length and it does serve a wider purpose within this season, especially for the first-time viewer.

I’ll probably use the opening crawl to highlight for the viewer that we really haven’t seen the Separatists much this season, sowing the seeds that’ll pay off in the finale trio of episodes with the reveal of the Geonosis factory.

The Clone Wars: Refocused

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EddieDean said:

One thing I’m still curious about is the addition of the coda with Savage searching the galaxy. Does it work? Does it feel out of place? I wouldn’t add it back to the start of the Monsters episode (where Maul is rediscovered), so I think it belongs here if at all.

Serialized shows tend to end their episodes in a “hook” that makes you want to watch the next episode, I think this works really well in that regard as a stinger/tease of where this story will go next, Ventress mentions Savage at the begining so it fits to show him by the end. Children of Night ended with a Maul tease so it’s nice to aknowledge that thread and tease what’s to come.

The only thing that doesn’t feel right to me is that by the end of the Massacre™ Ventress sees Mother Talzin dissapear into an ethereal green cloud. That feels like a nice conclusion that leaves her fate ambiguous… but then the bit with Savage at the end ruins it by showing her again, hanging out somewhere. I think it’d be better to remove that and mantain Talzin’s fate ambiguous until she properly returns and heals Maul. Just cutting her out of that scene would be pretty straightforward, but you might want to mantain her dialogue to catch the audience up to speed on what Savage is up to, so I had an idea:

https://vimeo.com/668106691

Now instead of seeing her again, we only hear her voice guide Savage. So it’s still ambiguous to what capacity she’s still around. Then perhaps it can be infered that she was left weakened after the battle, which is why she vanished, and it’s not until the return of Maul that we see her retake her corporeal form.

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Yes! Spot on. I had thought about that - how Talzin does return from her ‘elective intangiblity’ soon - but that it’d definitely be preferable to at least leave her without physical form in this episode. But I hadn’t thought to use her lovely ethereal voice independently of her body. Your suggestion is exactly the right answer, so I’ll implement that for sure. And the fact that he even calls her out by name is a real bonus that helps sell it. Thanks so much, this is a great solution.

I was thinking a little more about the fate of Talzin - she goes intangible in Massacre (retreating into the force?) then she’s back by the return of Maul (where she sacrifices even more of her physical form), then she’s offscreen for a while (trying to eat a force alignment??) but eventually ‘properly killed’ by Mace and Jar Jar (ugh) in the Bardotta episode I won’t be including in my edit, but then she’s back again in Son of Dathomir (starting off weakened but regaining full strength in that story). I’ll be including Son of Dathomir - in the form of the audio comic from Youtube, which is great - in my edit, because it’s an important episode. But what I like most about Son of Dathomir is that it explains that the reason Sidious captured Maul was specifically to lead to the set of circumstances where he can finish off Talzin properly. And it’s implied in the comics that their confrontation provides her final death - with Palpatine’s presence helping to kill her spiritually rather than just physically. And that’s a really nice thing to include, because it’s yet another thing that helps explain how Palpatine returned and why the intervention of force spirits was necessary in the conflict against him.

The Clone Wars: Refocused

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I wanted to chime in and say that I like both of Burbin’s ideas. It did feel funny for Grievous to be focused on the witches before he has even taken care of the Jedi in his lair. Like, he has Jedi running around in his house and he’s like, “I need to go kill Ventress and those witches!”

But the only issue with using the Dooku call scene with him sitting is his chair is that we see Fisto cut that chair in an earlier scene. Might not be a big deal, but it is worth considering if you use that scene after Fisto has escaped. Again, it’s a quick scene so it might not be a big deal.

I also like Burbin’s idea of having Talzin just speak to Savage through voiceover, rather than cutting back to her in the flesh. I also wonder if it would be nice to have some kind of establishing shot for the coda, rather than immediately cutting to inside the diner. I think there is an establishing shot of the diner around 4:30 into the original episode that you could use if you reversed the footage. Might not work but I think it would be nice way for the audience to take a breath before this little epilogue starts.

Also I can’t recall, but does every episode end with that music that transitions into the credits? The music we hear over Dooku monologuing about the threat of Savage and sensing something sinister does work, but I also can’t help but connect it with Ahsoka and the episode it is originally associated with. The music just kind of feels sentimental and melancholy. Might be a stretch, but I also think it would be interesting if you used Maul’s subtle theme from Solo for this scene, since that sinister presence Dooku is sensing is presumably Maul. Too on the nose? Maybe that could be used for another Maul episode down the road.

Also regarding the opening text. Instead of the last sentence starting with, “And Ventress now returns…”, I wonder if it would sound better to rephrase it like, “Now, Ventress returns…”

Anyway, I think the episode works really well as-is, but I can see how these changes Burbin mentioned could potentially improve the episode even more.

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All good thoughts. On the music, the episodes always at least end with the first two piano notes that transition into the credits part of the outro theme, but sometimes I extend the track backwards into the end of the episode’s body, for the sentimental/melancholy feel as you say. One thing I’ve never yet done is incorporated music from another source, such as a soundtrack, or things like Cad Bane’s new theme from Bad Batch into his episodes of Clone Wars. Mainly this is because I don’t have any musical background so I’ve no idea how I’d blend it and transition properly into the end credits - normally I just use the basic fades in my editing software. Perhaps I should look into using audio from other sources at certain points, and properly learn how to do that.

The Clone Wars: Refocused

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Hey neat! I’ve been reading some behind-the-scenes stuff about Clone Wars and it turns out that the original Christophsis episode - which eventually was merged with a trilogy of episodes focused on Jabba’s son to form the movie - was actually called ‘The New Padawan’, just as I called it! That’s a cool little accidental homage.

Edit: Oh, and it turns out that the opening from Brothers (with Savage hunting for Maul) was originally intended as a stinger - it would have been the ending of Bounty (which originally came after Massacre but which I’m not going to place in the main ordering) so it would have served exactly the same purpose as I’m using it for! Double neat!

The Clone Wars: Refocused

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I’m glad you liked my suggestion! I played around with it for a bit to find the best placement for the lines, it was really cool when I saw Savage’s movement and line worked so naturally as a reaction to hearing Talzin’s voice, that’s when I felt it “clicked”. I like how the scene is basically framed as Talzin leaving Ventress to go help Savage, it feels like a clean continuation instead of randomly cutting to something unrelated.

All that stuff about Talzin is really interesting, I haven’t seen (or heard?) Son of Dathomir, so I didn’t know about it, it’s a neat parallel to Palpatine’s final fate, tough even the way Talzin retreats and vanishes in this episode feels similar to the way Palpatine’s survival in RotJ is described.

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RogueLeader said:

I wanted to chime in and say that I like both of Burbin’s ideas. It did feel funny for Grievous to be focused on the witches before he has even taken care of the Jedi in his lair. Like, he has Jedi running around in his house and he’s like, “I need to go kill Ventress and those witches!”

I think it fits for him. He’s not considering Fisto much of a threat but he’s eager to go out and kill Ventress at last.

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Artan42 said:

RogueLeader said:

I wanted to chime in and say that I like both of Burbin’s ideas. It did feel funny for Grievous to be focused on the witches before he has even taken care of the Jedi in his lair. Like, he has Jedi running around in his house and he’s like, “I need to go kill Ventress and those witches!”

I think it fits for him. He’s not considering Fisto much of a threat but he’s eager to go out and kill Ventress at last.

Yeah, there’s maybe a middle ground here. If the dialogue is all at the end of the Lair content, then there’s a risk this’ll maybe feel like two episodes stapled together. Having some references during might help smooth it out. I’ll continue to play with it.

The Clone Wars: Refocused

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I have something to contribute for E403 that uses the lawless. As we can see her that you can tie in a plot of where duchess satine is held prisoner and seeking out a mandalorian traitor of the shadow collective points out an exact cause. However, there was a deleted scene of where anakin gives Obi-wan a ship to Sundari and how it can relent to it. Therefore, another one I was able to point out is that Maul wants his revenge for the Jedi who cut in him half + to end this civilization of a plot against his former Master Darth Sidious that means you can be able to cut out mas amedda in chancellor palpatine’s office coruscant and it can focus on the fighting in the districts.

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501st Legion - beginning felt a bit disjointed and tacked on, though I get that it sets up heavy and 99’s sacrifices. everything after the time skip was smooth and felt cohesive. pretty good episode for early clone wars.

Resistance on Ryloth - transition from retreating ships going into hyperspace fading out to same ships floating in space was awkward. I’d cut from hyperspace shot to anakin talking to ahsoka inside the ship (wipe, radial); music transition from Syndulla’s appearance to Ahsoka with general guy in the medbay was rather abrupt. good episode overall, possibly my favorite so far.

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REVIEW VERSION RELEASED - S02E06 - ATTACHMENTS (V2.0)

  • REVIEW VERSION, not quite ready for full release, but presented here for feedback.
  • Our sixth episode of season two.
  • Comprising the original episode Jedi Crash.
  • Running 24 minutes.
  • DOWNLOAD LINK is in the tracker spreadsheet, PM me for access.
  • Note: It’s recommended that you download this before watching, rather than streaming it directly from Google Drive.

This is by far the least important episode of my edit, featuring a pretty light ‘meeting the natives’ story. It’s skippable, but I’ve included it here for a few reasons: Mainly, because it balances out this place in the season nicely, since this period of time needed more Anakin, more Ahsoka, a little more exploration of the duo both together and apart, and more of this season’s focus on the war’s impact on the little guy. But also, it does begin with a great action sequence I’d hoped to include somewhere, it has a nice little hint at the Holdo Maneuver, and it does show us a little more of what happens on the fringes of the Galaxy, something that’s nice to see in the show but often appears in the show’s weaker episodes.

I didn’t follow it up with its sequel, Defenders of Peace, because that episode is very dull and its villain is very goofy. The Lurmen plot across both episodes feels quite half-baked and rejecting even self defence always just felt silly to me, so I’ve changed the dialogue in the Jedi Crash content that I am using to make them more isolationist and pacifist and less self-destructive.

Noteworthy changes:

  • The episode is titled ‘Attachments’ to highlight primarily Ahsoka’s attachment to Anakin (the main focus of the episode), but also Rex’s loyalty to Anakin, and the Lurmen’s attachments to each other and their creed.
  • The opening text and title focuses on the episode’s theme of the various connections people have - to their home, their culture, their creed, and each other.
  • We open on the battle sequence, unchanged saved for cutting a few bits of silly droid dialogue, continuing through to the crash.
  • I slightly reordered the bird-beast attack scenes for tension, so that it begins with Rex being vigilant, then Rex seeing something moving (but not being clear what it is), then the creatures attacking and killing some of Aayla’s party (so we now understand the threat), then a one-on-one fight between one of them and Rex, and then we know that more of them are closing in on Rex as he guards Anakin. The last shot of Anakin before help arrives is of him blacking out, increasing the medical risk angle too.
  • I trimmed a bunch of wipes, in so doing, so it doesn’t feel like the episode’s full of wipes.
  • I also moved the scene of Aayla’s discussion about the purpose of the Jedi in the war to nearer the end, so it can have more impact to the overall story for the viewer, and skipping it in its original placement serves to bring help to Anakin a little quicker (after a wipe transition to daytime) and lets us cut out a few shots of the Lurmen rolling like a ball, which is a bit goofy.
  • I modified dialogue for Tee Wat Kaa, including adding some lines from Defenders of Peace, to make it more that the Lurmen are worried that the Jedi’s presence will draw Separatist attention to their quiet colony, and that they don’t believe in fighting. In his conversation with Aayla, he does now concede that the Jedi fight for peace, though ominously asks ‘at what cost’, to give Aayla (and the audience) something to mull over.
  • We end on the episode’s original ending, with Ahsoka and Aayla acknowledging that the Republic will probably find them soon. I didn’t include the shots from the next episode of them being found, which I could have added, because it felt redundant after them saying that. (As a note, the ending music transition was difficult to get decent, because this is one of the few episodes from season one which mixed the music in with its voice/SFX track, making them hard to isolate.)

I don’t love this episode and I don’t think you will either, but as I say, it serves a decent purpose in the grander edit. I’ve just tried to make it as neat as I can.

Onwards to s02e07 Monsters, where we finally get the return of Maul.

The Clone Wars: Refocused

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djonesed said:

501st Legion - beginning felt a bit disjointed and tacked on, though I get that it sets up heavy and 99’s sacrifices. everything after the time skip was smooth and felt cohesive. pretty good episode for early clone wars.

I feel like I probably am settled on this one, since I think the current structure is necessary to sell the failure aspect, and set up the characters that remain in the show. But I appreciate the input!

Resistance on Ryloth - transition from retreating ships going into hyperspace fading out to same ships floating in space was awkward. I’d cut from hyperspace shot to anakin talking to ahsoka inside the ship (wipe, radial); music transition from Syndulla’s appearance to Ahsoka with general guy in the medbay was rather abrupt. good episode overall, possibly my favorite so far.

I’m glad you enjoyed it! I know the transition you mean, and interestingly it was actually this way in the original episode (though probably split by an advert break). I’ll see if I can soften it a bit, but if memory serves I tried a few variants which placed other scenes (from the other episodes) there, but found it messed with the story’s pacing.

The Clone Wars: Refocused

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Here’s my detailed feedback and custom follow-up edit list for the final three episodes of Season 1. As always, most is subjective, but feel free to take anything that you want.

Please do note the text issue for “Children of Night” and the two text issues for “The Future of the Force.”

CHILDREN OF NIGHT

  • The opening text uses the word “Whilst.” Though technically correct, it is the only instance in any of these crawls where you use an archaic term like this. I suggest replacing it with “While” for consistency.

  • Made a slight trim to ObiWan and Anakin’s conversation during the initial fighter battle, just trimming mildly corny banter.

  • Trimmed the most over-the-top “Master!” during the Ventress flashbacks, since it just took me out of what was otherwise a pretty serious sequence.

  • Trimmed the appearance of Ventress right after the witch contacts Dooku. This leaves the plan a little more vague for a few more minutes, in order to build intrigue.

  • Trimmed a redundant “Yesss” from Ventress.

  • Shortened Ventress’ speeder ride to only include her arrival in the male village. I just got tired of seeing people go past those fleshy bag trees.

  • Trimmed a redundant line about letting the challenge begin. Now, only Ventress says it, as a VoiceOver.

  • Trimmed Savage’s line about his brother being weak. Now, he simply kills him, without dialogue or clear emotion. He is a machine.

  • Trimmed Ventress’ advice to Savage so that it is now simply to never sympathize with the enemy.

  • Cut all of Dooku’s analysis of the situation on Deveron. Instead, he says that he needs proof of Savage’s skills and is sending him there.

  • Cut the scene where word of the massacre arrives at the Jedi temple. A lot of what was said was redundant and a tiny bit corny. Instead, we now transition immediately from Dooku calling Savage his apprentice to their lightsaber training.

A STRIKE AT THE HEART

  • Made small times during Bane’s planning scene so that the story moves ahead faster and more of his cards are held close to his chest. The plot will become clear enough as the episode progresses. I also minimized the conversation about the safe, since that’s not really an issue in the edit.

  • Significantly trimmed Anakin and Padme’s dialogue to be less cringy. Yes, it matches their tone in “Attack of the Clones,” but I think it works better and maintains its heart if toned down.

  • Minimized the dialogue between Bane and the fish-like hacker, mainly because I didn’t care for the hacker and wanted him to simply do his job.

  • Trimmed Bane’s redundant line about the senators giving him their com links, both before and after the Palpatine scene.

  • Trimmed Bane’s recognition of Anakin (in two instances). Now, Anakin is considered simply a random Jedi who got in Bane’s way.

  • Made a number of small trims during Anakin’s fight with the IG unit, tightening the flow of the sequence.

  • Trimmed Anakin’s vocal reaction to being shot at by Bane’s team.

  • Trimmed some of Bane’s dialogue immediately after breaking into the temple. Again, his character doesn’t seem like someone who would tell his colleagues his plans beyond exactly what they need to know in the moment.

  • Trimmed much of Anakin and ObiWan’s conversation about the security breach. Because this is a compound episode, the conversation completely ignored what just happened in the senate building, which should be at the forefront of Anakin’s mind. By cutting the dialogue right after Anakin says that something’s happening, we can infer that they went on to talk about the entire situation.

  • Trimmed the dialogue by ObiWan and Yoda about someone being disguised as a Jedi and Ahsoka needing to check on the librarian. It all seemed like intelligence that was gathered in a cut scene. Now, Yoda just tells Ahsoka to be vigilant because he senses deception, and she figures the rest out on her own.

  • Trimmed Ahsoka trash talking Bane after his arrest.

THE FUTURE OF THE FORCE

  • There is a typo in the opening text: “Artefact” > “Artifact”

  • The opening paragraph also reads very awkwardly. I suggest “is reeling after the senate hostage crisis and a simultaneous heist from the Jedi temple.”

  • Cut several establishing shots and Bane scenes during the opening battle, in order to move into the central plot faster.

  • Trimmed some of Yalaren’s exasperation with Anakin. They’ve been together all season, and he should be used to Anakin by now.

  • Trimmed Rex’s line about waiting for orders while Anakin is trying to figure out a plan to board the ship. It just felt awkward to me.

  • Agan, cut some of Bane’s monologuing to the droids. He doesn’t seem like someone who would readily share what he is doing with the people around him.

  • Cut Anakin repeating that Ahsoka should wait for him as she chases Bane.

  • Cut some of the short scenes aboard the Venator and some of the exterior shots of the Separatist ship, in order to keep the focus on Anakin, Ahsoka, and Bane.

  • Cut Ahsoka calling Bane “Slimo,” both times. The second cut (in the Gungan city) was not as smooth as I’d like, but I really didn’t like that line.

  • Cut Anakin almost staying behind on the ship to chase Bane some more. Now, he and Ahsoka run straight to the launch bay to evacuate.

  • Cut Anakin’s odd “hmm” after Ahsoka tells him that the holocron was destroyed.

  • Cut the final scene of Ahsoka at the temple. I know that you really like having it there, but to me it still feels a bit random and my personal preference is to end the episode on Anakin and Palpatine.

Thank you, as always for your extensive work on this project. I can’t wait to get into Season 2!

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vranir said:

Here’s my detailed feedback and custom follow-up edit list for the final three episodes of Season 1. As always, most is subjective, but feel free to take anything that you want.

Please do note the text issue for “Children of Night” and the two text issues for “The Future of the Force.”

CHILDREN OF NIGHT

  • The opening text uses the word “Whilst.” Though technically correct, it is the only instance in any of these crawls where you use an archaic term like this. I suggest replacing it with “While” for consistency.

Whilst it may need looking at for consistency with the existing grammar, but ‘whilst’ is used about as much as ‘while’ in England and is far from archaic. As far as I’m aware EddieDean is from England Scotland (dammit, that was almost an act of war).

Edit: Case in point. I didn’t even notice, but I started my sentence thusly.

Edit: Also ‘artefact’ is a legitimate spelling (one that was wrong on a massive billboard in London in Eternals), again, it’s the Commonwealth spelling so it’d be a matter of consistency not correction.

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I also watched the Cad Bane duology, and had a few thoughts on it. For the first episode, I agree with vranir that it’d be better to cut Bane recognizing Anakin, it comes out of nowhere and feels out of place for what it’s meant to be a new antagonist, and nothing he does or says after for the rest of the episodes indicates that there’s any history between them.

Another small odd bit is Obi-wan’s line at the end “If this Cad Bane is still here on Coruscant, I’ll find him”, since that doesn’t go anywhere. I get that you can’t just cut the line since it’s a continuous shot, but maybe you could alter it so he says “we’ll find him”, as that makes it more of a general statement.

For the second episode, I wonder if you could just cut out the bit where Bane boards the shuttle dressed like a trooper entirely, that whole scenario feels very absurd to me, and it also feels totally redundant. Anakin already lets Bane escape with the holocron after some persuation from Ahsoka, while they supposedly have to chose between chasing Bane or getting to the hangar, but then the very next scene Bane’s randomly shot and killed by a trooper at the hangar. Who’s even gonna believe for a second Bane would get unceremoniously killed off by a random trooper after outsmarting Anakin and Ahsoka? Then you have that whole deal where Bane apparently had time to switch clothes and stage his own death all while the ship’s moments away from blowing up, and at the end the result of that whole switcheroo is that Bane escapes with the holocron anyway. In the originals it was used as a way to separate the two episodes, but here it’s just unnecessary. There’s also the fact the next time we see Bane he’s back to his old clothes, how many pairs of the same hat and clothes does he have? I always thought that was silly.

I think you could simply have have Anakin and Ahsoka make the choice to let Bane go, then they get to the hangar and escape, the separatist ship blows up, cut to the Jedi Temple where they discuss how it’s unfortunate Bane escaped.

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Thanks Vranir as ever for the lovely detail. I’ll pore over those suggestions whilst re-watching the episodes, and see what fits. As before I think I swing a little more conservative than you on dialogue trims, but I definitely appreciate the focus your detail provides, it helps me mull these over further.

Artan, I was born in England (so maintain the accent) but have spent the last half of my life living in Scotland, which I love. I no longer consider myself English, with British being more technically correct, though I call myself Scottish wherever that’s accepted. Either way, I think it’s fine to use British/International English in my opening text, rather than American English where they differ. I’m sure the Americans amongst us can be comfortable that there exist alternative - but still valid - spellings for some of these words.

Burbin, I think I’m now falling on the side of trimming Bane recognising Anakin. My headcanon was that (1) Anakin’s a public figure, and/or (2) Bane’s done his research on the Jedi as part of his infiltration of the temple. But perhaps you’re right, it’s a little distracting.

Regarding Obi-Wan’s line, I agree, but I don’t think there’s anything I can do there. That scene has already been heavily butchered to carve it into a shape that’s passable. But even though it’s not delivered on, it’s an OK thing for him to think in the moment. Though perhaps that dialogue swap would soften it a little if I can find a “we’ll” in right tone.

That’s an interesting idea about trimming Bane’s short-lived infiltration. On the one hand it’s quite ballsy, which could add to Bane’s competence. But on the other, as you say, it’s a little absurd and redundant. Removing it would make the tradeoff that Anakin makes more impactful, which is the key emotional point of the episode. I’d be interested to know others’ thoughts on this.

The Clone Wars: Refocused

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While I agree that Bane’s infiltration goes nowhere, it is what lets them know he’s still alive and presumably has the holocron. Otherwise, they’d reasonably conclude he died in the explosion.

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I really liked this episode. It was nice to slow down and spend some time with these characters. I felt like I got to know Ahsoka better, and she deals with a theme that foreshadows Anakin’s struggle. It may not be important to the plot, but it is very important to the characters. Worthy of inclusion for sure. The only thing that felt weird was the abruptness of the ending.

EddieDean said:

REVIEW VERSION RELEASED - S02E06 - ATTACHMENTS (V2.0)

  • REVIEW VERSION, not quite ready for full release, but presented here for feedback.
  • Our sixth episode of season two.
  • Comprising the original episode Jedi Crash.
  • Running 24 minutes.
  • DOWNLOAD LINK is in the tracker spreadsheet, PM me for access.
  • Note: It’s recommended that you download this before watching, rather than streaming it directly from Google Drive.

This is by far the least important episode of my edit, featuring a pretty light ‘meeting the natives’ story. It’s skippable, but I’ve included it here for a few reasons: Mainly, because it balances out this place in the season nicely, since this period of time needed more Anakin, more Ahsoka, a little more exploration of the duo both together and apart, and more of this season’s focus on the war’s impact on the little guy. But also, it does begin with a great action sequence I’d hoped to include somewhere, it has a nice little hint at the Holdo Maneuver, and it does show us a little more of what happens on the fringes of the Galaxy, something that’s nice to see in the show but often appears in the show’s weaker episodes.

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Lifeincontext said:

I really liked this episode. It was nice to slow down and spend some time with these characters. I felt like I got to know Ahsoka better, and she deals with a theme that foreshadows Anakin’s struggle. It may not be important to the plot, but it is very important to the characters. Worthy of inclusion for sure. The only thing that felt weird was the abruptness of the ending.

EddieDean said:

REVIEW VERSION RELEASED - S02E06 - ATTACHMENTS (V2.0)

  • REVIEW VERSION, not quite ready for full release, but presented here for feedback.
  • Our sixth episode of season two.
  • Comprising the original episode Jedi Crash.
  • Running 24 minutes.
  • DOWNLOAD LINK is in the tracker spreadsheet, PM me for access.
  • Note: It’s recommended that you download this before watching, rather than streaming it directly from Google Drive.

This is by far the least important episode of my edit, featuring a pretty light ‘meeting the natives’ story. It’s skippable, but I’ve included it here for a few reasons: Mainly, because it balances out this place in the season nicely, since this period of time needed more Anakin, more Ahsoka, a little more exploration of the duo both together and apart, and more of this season’s focus on the war’s impact on the little guy. But also, it does begin with a great action sequence I’d hoped to include somewhere, it has a nice little hint at the Holdo Maneuver, and it does show us a little more of what happens on the fringes of the Galaxy, something that’s nice to see in the show but often appears in the show’s weaker episodes.

Good to know you think it fits from a balance perspective. The ending is tricky though. The music is played in the voice track so that final scene’s music can’t change. And it has that major rise, which all I could do was fade out. Perhaps if I move it so that scene isn’t the last one - maybe we have Anakin’s healing, then Ahsoka and Aayla talk, then Aayla and Tee Wat Kaa have their conversation which ends with “I still wonder… at what cost?” as the final line. I think I can modify the audio in that scene more freely, so I could use our typical ending music, which would also help cue the user in that the episode is wrapping up.

I’ll also dig through the second part again (which I’m barely using any of currently) and see if there’s any other scenes I can use to help wrap up the episode. Maybe Tee Wat Kaa talking to the healer Lurmen would bring their story to a better close and help pace it out a little, though I’d have to crop a few shots for that to avoid showing battle droids everywhere, which may not be quite possible. The shot of Republic cruisers arriving is a bit abrupt so I don’t think it’d make it feel less sudden.

The Clone Wars: Refocused