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Raptor Jesus in his glory.
The Church of Raptor Jesus
Raptor Jesus in his glory.
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During the Mesozoic era, God was going through kind of a rebellious phase. Rather than making beings in his own image, he populated the Earth entirely with giant lumbering reptiles. Not the lame, uncool reptiles of our time (lizards, geiko, Godzilla, Canadian deer), but super awesome, but insanely cool dinosaurs! Known to themselves as "giant retards", Dinosaurs kept no written record, so we didn't learn their real name until modern technology made it possible for us to read their fossilized minds (though how we managed to read minds in the first place beats the heck out of me).
DinoJesus defending the Lamb of God with a Micro Uzi (Israeli standard)At first, the dinosaurs rampaged around at will, eating each other, stepping on dung, and generally causing damage to the environment (then again, who gives a crap about the environment?). God was forced to intervene when His mother, Benita Franscique, found out about the world He had created, and ordered him to "clean up this mess before your father gets home."
Written and directed by Mel Gibson, a film based on the life of Raptor Jesus was released in 2005.Unwilling to enter his world and change things himself, God created DinoJesus. DinoJesus's primary role on Earth was to convert the dinosaurs from the paganistic theory of Evolution (monkeys transformed into men), and foster a new belief in Intelligent Design (God created men). Opponents of his theory, primarily the darn Romans, viciously attacked him, condemning him and his followers to extinction. God had originally intended DinoJesus to simply preach to his fellow dinosaurs, but it soon became apparent that more persuasive methods would need to be applied. In order to impress the dinosaurs, God granted DinoJesus the ability to perform miracles.
[edit]The Miracles of DinoJesus
Soon an angry mob of Roman citizens attack DinoJesus and pulled off his tail. DinoJesus impressed them all as he regrew another one, then proceeded to heal any others who had lost a tail. DinoJesus then broke up the mob by picking out individuals and embarassing the crap out of them until every member of the mob became too mentally weak and confused to do any more to harm him.
Soon everyone grew to love DinoJesus and he became a popular icon and star althlete (for donation reasons). He won every competition he entered. Most impressive was his swimming performances. DinoJesus used his ability to walk on water to his advantage, running across the surface of the water rather than actually swimming.
DinoJesus in a swimming event.[edit]The Twelve Raptors
The Twelve Raptors were a band of his most loyal followers who helped him convert the dinosaur public. They were the first to be converted from the Church of the Tyrant Rex God. They went around the caves and jungles and turned many Raptors away from the Tyrany Rex God (who was a total moron, by the way). Raptors, from the idiotic statue-worshippers to the primitive anti-creationists, joined DinoJesus's cause. Though one Disciple, named Mofo, tried to convert non-Raptors and was met with opposition. In the end Raptors and other dinosaurs alike flocked to DinoJesus.
[edit]His Final Days
Could the failure of an Xbox anti-gravity drive system caused by God have resulted in the extinction of DinoJesus in 65 million BC?By his early twenties, God got bored of reptiles. Due to DinoJesus's good intentions, the entire dinosaur population was converted to his religion, with no more competitors or opposers in sight. God did not like this at all (nope, not at all). Therefore, he decided to kill them all. He wiped out the dinosaurs by smashing the earth with a giant asteroid Xbox and started over.
That's how the world came to be as we know it today.
[edit]The Raptor Bible
After DinoJesus's death, a collection of his teachings can be found in the Raptor Bible, written lagrely in part by his band of twelve Raptors disciples. It shows many of his most popular sayings, including "Grrrrrrrr" and "RAAAAAAR". It also contained evidence for what is to come in the future of dinosaurs and DinoJesus, though this information is kept secret by the Lutheran Church. Copies are not available to the general public, but in fact only to Lutheran Church members, dinosaurs, and the guys who made Canadian bacon.
[edit]The Passion
Raptor Mary MagdeleneA film depicting the last days of DinoJesus was produced on May 19, 2005. It was a critical and financial failure, due in part to its negative depiction of dramatic climate change.
[edit]DinoJesus in Popular Culture
DinoJesus has appeared in numerous films over the years. Nazareth Park was a hit in 1996 and was soon followed up by Nazareth Park 2: The Lost Word Of The Lord. Unfortunately for followers of DinoJesus the films were not faithful to the Raptor Bibles account of the life of the Dino Messiah and were generally regarded as being pretty much dumb.
Rumoured projects are as follows
DinoJesus on a Plane - Starring Chuck Norris and Hulk Hogan
DinoJesus Z - A long running action series based on Dragonball Z, but will include battles against Lucifer, JehovaZilla, a possessed Optimus Rhyme and Kevin Peter Hall. (maybe)
More recently rumours have persisted that DinoJesus is set to return to Earth and release an album of such awesomeness that it will cause world peace. Possible songs for this album include
"This Dino has no love fo' a ho"
"It doesnt matter if you're reptile or amphibian"
"Ride this Dino"
"Partners in Rhmye" - Featuring Optimus Prime and Stephen Hawkings
And upto 27-32 more epic tracks.
The film was a tremendous flop at the box office.[edit]Modern Beliefs
Today, few can refute the evidence that DinoJesus once roamed the Earth. In the late 20th century, many foresaw his return, when the world would see his glory one last time in an event known as The Raptor.
DinoJesus defending the Lamb of God with a Micro Uzi (Israeli standard)At first, the dinosaurs rampaged around at will, eating each other, stepping on dung, and generally causing damage to the environment (then again, who gives a crap about the environment?). God was forced to intervene when His mother, Benita Franscique, found out about the world He had created, and ordered him to "clean up this mess before your father gets home."
Written and directed by Mel Gibson, a film based on the life of Raptor Jesus was released in 2005.Unwilling to enter his world and change things himself, God created DinoJesus. DinoJesus's primary role on Earth was to convert the dinosaurs from the paganistic theory of Evolution (monkeys transformed into men), and foster a new belief in Intelligent Design (God created men). Opponents of his theory, primarily the darn Romans, viciously attacked him, condemning him and his followers to extinction. God had originally intended DinoJesus to simply preach to his fellow dinosaurs, but it soon became apparent that more persuasive methods would need to be applied. In order to impress the dinosaurs, God granted DinoJesus the ability to perform miracles.
[edit]The Miracles of DinoJesus
Soon an angry mob of Roman citizens attack DinoJesus and pulled off his tail. DinoJesus impressed them all as he regrew another one, then proceeded to heal any others who had lost a tail. DinoJesus then broke up the mob by picking out individuals and embarassing the crap out of them until every member of the mob became too mentally weak and confused to do any more to harm him.
Soon everyone grew to love DinoJesus and he became a popular icon and star althlete (for donation reasons). He won every competition he entered. Most impressive was his swimming performances. DinoJesus used his ability to walk on water to his advantage, running across the surface of the water rather than actually swimming.
DinoJesus in a swimming event.[edit]The Twelve Raptors
The Twelve Raptors were a band of his most loyal followers who helped him convert the dinosaur public. They were the first to be converted from the Church of the Tyrant Rex God. They went around the caves and jungles and turned many Raptors away from the Tyrany Rex God (who was a total moron, by the way). Raptors, from the idiotic statue-worshippers to the primitive anti-creationists, joined DinoJesus's cause. Though one Disciple, named Mofo, tried to convert non-Raptors and was met with opposition. In the end Raptors and other dinosaurs alike flocked to DinoJesus.
[edit]His Final Days
Could the failure of an Xbox anti-gravity drive system caused by God have resulted in the extinction of DinoJesus in 65 million BC?By his early twenties, God got bored of reptiles. Due to DinoJesus's good intentions, the entire dinosaur population was converted to his religion, with no more competitors or opposers in sight. God did not like this at all (nope, not at all). Therefore, he decided to kill them all. He wiped out the dinosaurs by smashing the earth with a giant asteroid Xbox and started over.
That's how the world came to be as we know it today.
[edit]The Raptor Bible
After DinoJesus's death, a collection of his teachings can be found in the Raptor Bible, written lagrely in part by his band of twelve Raptors disciples. It shows many of his most popular sayings, including "Grrrrrrrr" and "RAAAAAAR". It also contained evidence for what is to come in the future of dinosaurs and DinoJesus, though this information is kept secret by the Lutheran Church. Copies are not available to the general public, but in fact only to Lutheran Church members, dinosaurs, and the guys who made Canadian bacon.
[edit]The Passion
Raptor Mary MagdeleneA film depicting the last days of DinoJesus was produced on May 19, 2005. It was a critical and financial failure, due in part to its negative depiction of dramatic climate change.
[edit]DinoJesus in Popular Culture
DinoJesus has appeared in numerous films over the years. Nazareth Park was a hit in 1996 and was soon followed up by Nazareth Park 2: The Lost Word Of The Lord. Unfortunately for followers of DinoJesus the films were not faithful to the Raptor Bibles account of the life of the Dino Messiah and were generally regarded as being pretty much dumb.
Rumoured projects are as follows
DinoJesus on a Plane - Starring Chuck Norris and Hulk Hogan
DinoJesus Z - A long running action series based on Dragonball Z, but will include battles against Lucifer, JehovaZilla, a possessed Optimus Rhyme and Kevin Peter Hall. (maybe)
More recently rumours have persisted that DinoJesus is set to return to Earth and release an album of such awesomeness that it will cause world peace. Possible songs for this album include
"This Dino has no love fo' a ho"
"It doesnt matter if you're reptile or amphibian"
"Ride this Dino"
"Partners in Rhmye" - Featuring Optimus Prime and Stephen Hawkings
And upto 27-32 more epic tracks.
The film was a tremendous flop at the box office.[edit]Modern Beliefs
Today, few can refute the evidence that DinoJesus once roamed the Earth. In the late 20th century, many foresaw his return, when the world would see his glory one last time in an event known as The Raptor.
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Originally posted by: sean wookie
STOLEN FROM 4CHAN FAGS.
STOLEN FROM 4CHAN FAGS.
The 4Chan fags can have it back if they want it.
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And so does Caps Lock.
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Originally posted by: sean wookie
STOLEN FROM 4CHAN FAGS.
STOLEN FROM 4CHAN FAGS.
How do you know some of the 4CHAN FAGS didn't steal it in the first place?
"Every time Warb sighs, an angel falls into a vat of mapel syrup." - Gaffer Tape
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JK
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Originally posted by: sean wookie
STOLEN FROM 4CHAN FAGS.
STOLEN FROM 4CHAN FAGS.
Lucas steals ideas from 4Chan.
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Originally posted by: sean wookie
Nope WoW FAGS. Don't make me get them here. If they come you will be sorry.
JK
Nope WoW FAGS. Don't make me get them here. If they come you will be sorry.
JK
Yeah, last time proved to be terrible. I almost lost my faith in mankind. But now I live in constant fear of great green orcs sacking my village in the middle of the night and setting fire to my hut.
"Every time Warb sighs, an angel falls into a vat of mapel syrup." - Gaffer Tape
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as well as millions of believers worldwide. You must be proud of doing the devils work by posting such nonsense.
“Always loved Vader’s wordless self sacrifice. Another shitty, clueless, revision like Greedo and young Anakin’s ghost. What a fucking shame.” -Simon Pegg.
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Originally posted by: skyjedi2005
way to go. thanks for insulting the beliefs of the chistian members of this site.
as well as millions of believers worldwide. You must be proud of doing the devils work by posting such nonsense.
way to go. thanks for insulting the beliefs of the chistian members of this site.
as well as millions of believers worldwide. You must be proud of doing the devils work by posting such nonsense.
Somebody doesn't have a sense of humor. I'll give you three guesses as to who it is. (The first two don't count.)
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Originally posted by: Darth Chaltab
Oooh, so close! You get the door prize at least. *Hands you a Raptor Muhammad plushie*
Oooh, so close! You get the door prize at least. *Hands you a Raptor Muhammad plushie*
....way to kill the thread....now we're gonna get bombed!