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The Changes for the Archival Editions

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What awaits in the 2007 archival editions? I have seen the future, and I bring to you now words from the future so that you all may gag and write angry letters to Lucas.

STAR WARS

---Han doesn't shoot first. Neither does Greedo. In fact, neither of them shoot at all. In the 07 versions, they get in to a thumb war. Han wins, and Greedo starts sobbing while Han walks away. Creepily, Han still says "sorry about the mess."
GEORGE'S REASONING: It was how I originally invisioned it, but I just didn't have the technology.

---New footage of Luke and Biggs on tatooine. But it is now extended to have Luke and Biggs start making out at the end of the scene.
GEORGE'S REASONING: I think controversy is what everyone wants in a movie, so I'm giving it to them. But is also a much more artistic scene with this addition, and it is also closer to my original vision.

---When Vader is on the ship Leia and the droids are on in the very beginning and he kills one of the rebels with his force strangle, it is for a new reason. Someone posted a sticky note saying "Kick Me" onto his back. He blames this man for it.
GEORGE'S REASONING: I always thought this scene needed a little humor, to lighten the tone in a very heavy scene. Having Darth Vader being kicked around is the perfect way to break the ice.

---Mos Eisley is now a huge, bustling space port, with officials everywhere, giant grand scyscrapers, and cruisers flying around all over the place. There are 20 minutes added of a Gungan council meeting being held in Mos Eisley.
GEORGE'S REASONING: Mos Eisly was never meant to be a small little town, but the budget contsrants caused me to have to change the story to make it so. Now, with the miracles of technology, I can finally bring my original vision to the screen.

---Jar-Jar now joins the group in Mos Eisley, and yaps a bunch during space fights, getting into trouble with the droids while the ship rolls around. No one ever acknowledges him accept when they acknowledge the whole group.
GEORGE'S REASONING: Jar-Jar Binks was always a key-charecter in the Star Wars universe. I came up with him before coming up with anything else, and I feel it is important he is restored in the role I originally intended him to be in.

---At the end of the film, the only person to recieve a medal is Jar-Jar, because Luke and Han were both injured in an accident (inserted scene done completely in CGI) and Jar-Jar flew Luke's star fighter in the Battle of Yavin. All they did was digitally replace Luke with Jar-Jar and redub the dialogue. ("WHOOSA!! That's wasssa big one!" Farts.)
GEORGE'S REASONING: This is a very heavy scene, and it is too intense for children. By adding the antics of the lovable JJ Binks into the mix, I think its something kids will love, and parents will too because Jar Jar is an all around lovable charecter, for the young and old.

---Leia and Jar-Jar make out during the end credits.
GEORGE'S REASONING: I've always been sexually attracted to Jar-Jar, and I felt it was important I live out the fantasy I have every night through one of my charecters.

---In one of the first scenes of the film, where the stormtroopers are searching for the droids, even more stormtroopers are added. There is a virtual army of them, thousands, all searching for the droids. A bunch of them are standing by an interrgalactic water cooler talking about last night's episode of Lost.
GEORGE'S REASONING: Back when I made the movie in 1977, I wanted to have a whole army searching for the droids, because I needed to show that the Empire had unlimited reserves, and that I had cool costumes. And even 30 years ago, I just knew that charecters needed to be talking about the TV show LOST.

---All the puppets and creatures are replaced with CGI. All the star battles are replaced with new, CGI battles. All the sets are re-created in CGI. All the lightsabers are now multicolored and change color every few seconds. Vader's saber is always a hot pink.
GEORGE'S REASONING: I always wanted the movie to be mostly done on computers, which I did with the prequels, and now I can bring my original vision to the screen AND make it match the prequels for ultimate continuity.

---Replacing Mark Hammil with Frankie Muniz, Harrison Ford with Ashton Kutcher, Carrie Fisher with Hilary Duff and Alec Geuniss with Ewan McGregor.
GEORGE'S REASONING: Let's face it. The original version of this film was complete shit, and I think it was all the actors fault. And the technology's. But bringing the best actors and actresses of today into the roles is a great way to go.


THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK

---The battle on Hoth is now completely removed, and replaced with a scene where Luke negotiates with the empire's probe droid. The empire lets them leave the planet as long as they do it quickly.
GEORGE'S REASONING: The film was lacking a moral, and I think teaching the viewers about compromises is a better way to go. It was how I originally wanted it.

---Jar-Jar is killed in the first scene by farting his innards out. The next thre hours is a huge funeral service with songs sung by gungans.
GEORGE'S REASONING: The film needed to start with a bang, with a much loved charecter dying, so that we fear for the rest of the charecter's lives.

---Yoda is now CGI.
GEORGE'S REASONING: Well, it's the twenty-first century, so we might as well get with the program and use lifeless CGI instead of a puppet with lots of life. And I always thought Yoda would look better with CGI, but we couldn't afford it in 1980.

---When Darth Vader tells Luke he's his father, Luke says "PAPA!!!" and hugs him. Vader frees Han from carbonite, and gets the emporer to come to dinner at applebees with the skywalkers, Leia, and Han. The film ends right after the emporer orders some ribs. Thus, there is peace, and no Return of the Jedi.
GEORGE'S REASONING: This version of the ending now has a lesson about family, which I alway wanted, and it also has that huge climax: what restaraunt should we go to. Bigger yet, what should we order? Bacon Burger? Bleu Cheese Burger? It's all very dramatic, and ends the series with a bang like I always wanted.

RETURN OF THE JEDI

Non existant. See above.


Feel free to add to the list if you have also forseen the future. Be warned though, it is a sad and terrible future. Do not go to far.

Watch DarthEvil's Who Framed Darth Vader? video on YouTube!

You can also access the entire Horriffic Violence Theater Series from my Channel Page.
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That was very good, especially the Jar Jar stuff. I laughed out louad at the bit about a 20 minute Gungan council meeting in Mos Eisley.

War does not make one great.

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Heh, yeah, that was an awesome list. If it wasn't so late, I'd try to add some stuff, but I need some time to get my creativity flowing again.

There is no lingerie in space…

C3PX said: Gaffer is like that hot girl in high school that you think you have a chance with even though she is way out of your league because she is sweet and not a stuck up bitch who pretends you don’t exist… then one day you spot her making out with some skinny twerp, only on second glance you realize it is the goth girl who always sits in the back of class; at that moment it dawns on you why she is never seen hanging off the arm of any of the jocks… and you realize, damn, she really is unobtainable after all. Not that that is going to stop you from dreaming… Only in this case, Gaffer is actually a guy.

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Those changes would fit into the Special Editions seamlessly.
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Hah, that's awesome! The sad thing though is I could actually see George Lucas seriously arguing for some of that.

My favorite example was the line where George said he's always been attracted to Jar-Jar.

"Now all Lucas has to do is make a cgi version of himself.  It will be better than the original and fit his original vision." - skyjedi2005

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No, honestly, I think he had a crush on a 14 year old girl when he was 9 and, of course, got rejected flat, so he had to put that May/September romance in the first movie. ^_~

There is no lingerie in space…

C3PX said: Gaffer is like that hot girl in high school that you think you have a chance with even though she is way out of your league because she is sweet and not a stuck up bitch who pretends you don’t exist… then one day you spot her making out with some skinny twerp, only on second glance you realize it is the goth girl who always sits in the back of class; at that moment it dawns on you why she is never seen hanging off the arm of any of the jocks… and you realize, damn, she really is unobtainable after all. Not that that is going to stop you from dreaming… Only in this case, Gaffer is actually a guy.

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You're probably right Gaffer Tape. And that rejection probably caused him to be attracted only to CGI aliens nowadays.
Watch DarthEvil's Who Framed Darth Vader? video on YouTube!

You can also access the entire Horriffic Violence Theater Series from my Channel Page.