I love this edit because it improves Anakin’s character and salvages the love story. That said, I have a few criticisms.
In your edit, Anakin never loses his lightsaber, but Obi-Wan carries it while hopping out of the speeder.
In your edit, there is an establishing shot of the Naboo lake retreat before Anakin meets Padmé’s parents. This creates two continuity errors. First, the capitol is absent in the establishing shot but present in the background when Anakin and Padmé are walking in the street. Second, there is a different shot of the Naboo lake retreat before the floating pair scene, suggesting that they are still at her parents’ house. There is an easy fix: Replace the establishing shot of the Naboo lake retreat with the long shot of Anakin, Padmé, and R2 walking down the side street which was in the deleted scene.
Changing “several thousand solar systems” to “a thousand solar systems” in the opening crawl and in Dooku’s speech is unnecessary. There are 200 billion solar systems in the Milky Way alone.
The shot of Anakin free-falling is meant to parallel Luke free-falling to his doom at the end of The Empire Strikes Back. The same sound effect occurs in both instances, emphasizing a contrast: Anakin risks his life because of his hubris, whereas Luke risks his life because of his refusal to join Vader.
Yoda sensing Anakin’s pain is a call back to Luke’s failure at the cave scene in The Empire Strikes Back. Both Anakin and Luke enter through a round opening. They move in opposite directions on screen: Anakin left to right, Luke right to left. Anakin sees his mother, Luke sees a vision of his father. Anakin decapitates the Tusken Raiders; Luke decapitates Vader. Both films then cut to Yoda, reacting.
Anakin’s “I killed them all” confession is emotionally powerful. That Anakin feels guilt for murdering the sand people actually demonstrates he is a morally concerned character. Although some dialogue must be cut, L8wrtr’s edit saves the scene.
The Senate granting Palpatine emergency powers flows more naturally after Count Dooku implies Palpatine is a Sith Lord. The two scenes reveal to the audience that a Sith Lord now reigns as dictator. If the scenes are separated, the emergency powers resolution loses its significance.
I prefer the droid factory scene over the deleted scene “Dooku interrogates Padmé.” In the deleted scene, Dooku offers clemency if Naboo joins the separatists. But Padmé could no more withdraw Naboo from the Republic than a U.S. Senator could withdraw his State from the Union. Surely only the Queen could secede. The droid factory scene - or an alternate capture scene - is crucial to the plot. It explains why Anakin only wields a lightsaber in the arena once the Jedi arrive. Without it, Anakin and Padmé seem to willingly walk to their deaths.
There is a noticeable, sudden change in key at the end of the “Encouraged to Love” scene and in the middle of the Obi-Wan and Mace scene.