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Songs That Tell a Story — Page 5

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TV's Frink said:

That's not much of a story.

 ......oh alright....I just stuck that in there so I could reply to Ziggy

J

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Anchorhead said:


As an uber Genesis nerd since the 70s, this is a subject that is very big in my world.  Way too many to list, so I'll just drop in a few of my favorites.

 

<img src="http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f20/stonetriple/Genesis/07lamb.jpg" />


<span style="text-decoration: underline;">The Colony Of Slippermen</span>

<span style="text-decoration: underline;">
</span>


The Arrival

Rael:
I wandered lonely as a cloud,
Till I came upon this dirty street.
I've never seen a stranger crowd;
Slubberdegullions on a squeaky feet,

Continually pacing,
With nonchalant embracing,
Each orifice disgracing
And one facing me moves to say "hellay".

His skin's all covered in slimy lumps.
With lips that slide across each chin.
His twisted limbs like rubber stamps
Are waved in welcome say 'Please join in.'

My grip must be flipping,
Cos his handshake keeps slipping,
My hopes keep on dipping
And his lips keep on smiling all the time.

Slipperman:
"We like you, have tasted love.
Don't be alarmed at what you see,
You yourself are just the same
As what you see in me."

Rael:
Me, like you? like that!

Slipperman:
"You better watch it son, your sentence has only just begun
You better run and join your brother John."



A Visit to the Doktor

Slipperman:
"You're in the colony of slippermen.
There's no who? why? what? or when?

You get out if you've got the gripe
To see, Doktor Dyper, reformed sniper-
he'll whip off your windscreenwiper

Rael:
John and I are able
To face the Doktor and his marble table.

The Doktor:
Understand Rael, it's the end of your tail.

Rael:
"Don't delay, dock the dick!"
I watch his countdown timer tick......


The Raven

He places the number into a tube,
A yellow plastic "shoobedoobe".
It says: "Though your fingers may tickle
You'll be safe in our pickle."
Suddenly, black cloud comes down from the sky.
It's a supersize black bird that sure can fly.

The raven brings on darkness and night
He flies right down, gives me one hell of a fright.
He takes the tube right out of my hands
Man, I've got to find out where that black bird lands.

"Look here John, I've got to run
I need you now, you going to come?"
He says to me.

John:
"Now can't you see
Where the raven flies there's jeopardy.

We've been cured on the couch
Now you're sick with your grouch.
I'll not risk my honey pouch
Which my slouch will wear slung very low."

Rael:
He walks away and leaves me once again.
Even though I never learn,
I'd hoped he'd show just some concern.

I'm in agony of Slipperpain
I pray my undercarriage will sustain.
The chase is on, the pace is hot
But I'm running so very hard with everything I've got.
He leads me down an underpass
Though it narrows, he still flies very fast,
When the tunnel stops
I catch sight of the tube, just as it drops.
I'm on top of a bank, to steep to climb,
I see it hit the water, just in time,
to watch it float away.


Yeah, Genesis really nailed it as being a narrative-driven prog rock band back in the day. They even had a decent stab at it on the last album with Collins with a good two or three songs returning to that style.

The Lamb is a defining moment in their career, though, and I've recently taken to listening to some of the bootlegs from that tour. Amazing story, doesn't entirely make sense but that's part of the fun of the thing.

That's some bad hat, Harry
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Jaitea said:

TV's Frink said:

That's not much of a story.

 ......oh alright....I just stuck that in there so I could reply to Ziggy

J

Seeing as he hasn't logged in since September 11 and probably hasn't posted anything long before that ...

Divergent Universes
Dreams of a Randy Git-Fiend

Make Off Topic great again.

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Liebhabers verbrannte, by Mozart

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXYdcHqdmEM

Also, Climbing Uphill from The Last Five Years. And basically every other song from that show.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bvh3sSDBDag

When you come home to me

I'll wear a sweeter smile

And hope that, for a while, you'll...

Okay, thank you

Thank you so much

I'm climbing uphill, Daddy

Climbing uphill

I'm up every morning at six

And standing in line

With two hundred girls

Who are younger and thinner than me

Who have already been to the gym

I'm waiting five hours in line

And watching the girls

Just coming and going

In dresses that look just like this

Till my number is finally called

When I walk in the room

There's a table of men

Always men - usually gay

Who've been sitting like I have

And listening all day

To two hundred girls

Belting as high as they can!

I am a good person

I'm an attractive person

I am a talented person

Grant me Grace!

When you come home...

I should have told them I was sick last week

They're gonna think this is the way I sing

Why is the pianist playing so loud?

Should I sing louder?

I'll sing louder

Maybe I should stop and start over

I'm gonna stop and start over

Why is the director staring at his crotch?

Why is that man staring at my résumé?

Don't stare at my résumé

I made up half of my résumé

Look at me

Stop looking at that, look at me

No, not at my shoes

Don't look at my shoes

I hate these fucking shoes

Why did I pick these shoes?

Why did I pick this song?

Why did I pick this career?

Why does this pianist hate me?

If I don't get a callback

I can go to Crate and Barrel with mom and buy a couch

Not that I want to spend a day with mom

But Jamie needs space to write

Since I'm obviously such a horrible, annoying distraction to him

What's he gonna be like when we have kids?

And once again...

Why am I working so hard?

These are the people who cast Linda Blair in a musical

Jesus Christ, I suck, I suck, I suck, I suck

When fin'lly you come home to...

Okay, thank you

Thank you so much

I will not be the girl stuck at home in the 'burbs

With the baby, the dog, and the garden of herbs

I will not be the girl in the sensible shoes

Pushing burgers and beer nuts and missing the clues

I will not be the girl who gets asked how it feels

To be trotting along at the genius's heels

I will not be the girl who requires a man to get by

And I...

When you come home to me

I'll wear a sweeter smile... 

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Doc Watson- St. James Hospital

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=224Sy5PcmU4

This is my favorite rendition of St. James Infirmary/ Streets of Laredo/ Unfortunate Rake. It goes by many names but it is the story of a Cowboy or soldier (depending on the version) in the last minutes of his life.

Early one morning, past the St. James Hospital


Early one morning, morn in the month of May
When I looked through the window, 
And I spied a dear cowboy
A dear cowboy, as cold as the clay

Set ye down by me, and hear my sad story
Set ye down by me, and sing me a song
For my poor head is aching,
And my sad heart is breaking
I'm a poor cowboy, that know'd he done wrong

Send for that doctor, to come and heal up my body
And send for the preacher, to come and pray for my soul
For my poor head is aching,
And my sad heart is breaking
I'm a poor cowboy, and hell is my doom

Get sixteen pretty maidens, to come and carry my coffin
Sixteen pretty maidens, to come and sing me a song
And tell 'em to bring some of them sweet smelling roses
So they can't smell me as they tote me along

Beat the drum slowly, and play the fife lowly
Play the death march as ye carry me along
Throw bunches of lillies all over my coffin
"There goes a poor cowboy, that know'd he done wrong."

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"I Got Punched in the Nose for Sticking My Face in Other People's Business," a country song by Robbie Hart.

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"Mary Hamilton"

Word is to the kitchen gone, and word is to the Hall
And word is up to Madam the Queen, and that's the worst of all
That Mary Hamilton has borne a babe
To the highest Stuart of all
Oh rise, arise Mary Hamilton
Arise and tell to me
What thou hast done with thy wee babe
I saw and heard weep by thee
I put him in a tiny boat
And cast him out to sea
That he might sink or he might swim
But he'd never come back to me
Oh rise arise Mary Hamilton
Arise and come with me
There is a wedding in Glasgow town
This night we'll go and see
She put not on her robes of black
Nor her robes of brown
But she put on her robes of white
To ride into Glasgow town
And as she rode into Glasgow town
The city for to see
The bailiff's wife and the provost's wife
Cried Alack and alas for thee
You need not weep for me she cried
You need not weep for me
For had I not slain my own wee babe
This death I would not dee
Oh little did my mother think
When first she cradled me
The lands I was to travel in
And the death I was to dee
Last night I washed the Queen's feet
And put the gold in her hair
And the only reward I find for this
The gallows to be my share
Cast off cast off my gown she cried
But let my petticoat be
And tie a napkin round my face
The gallows I would not see
Then by them come the king himself
Looked up with a pitiful eye
Come down come down Mary Hamilton
Tonight you will dine with me
Oh hold your tongue my sovereign liege
And let your folly be
For if you'd a mind to save my life
You'd never have shamed me here
Last night there were four marys
Tonight there'll be but three
It was Mary Beaton and Mary Seton
And Mary Carmichael and me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t6Dp2OfIT_M

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Johnny Cash "A Boy Named Sue"

My daddy left home when I was three 
And he didn't leave much to ma and me 
Just this old guitar and an empty bottle of booze. 
Now, I don't blame him cause he run and hid 
But the meanest thing that he ever did 
Was before he left, he went and named me "Sue." 

Well, he must o' thought that is quite a joke 
And it got a lot of laughs from a' lots of folk, 
It seems I had to fight my whole life through. 
Some gal would giggle and I'd get red 
And some guy'd laugh and I'd bust his head, 
I tell ya, life ain't easy for a boy named "Sue." 

Well, I grew up quick and I grew up mean, 
My fist got hard and my wits got keen, 
I'd roam from town to town to hide my shame. 
But I made a vow to the moon and stars 
That I'd search the honky-tonks and bars 
And kill that man who gave me that awful name. 

Well, it was Gatlinburg in mid-July 
And I just hit town and my throat was dry, 
I thought I'd stop and have myself a brew. 
At an old saloon on a street of mud, 
There at a table, dealing stud, 
Sat the dirty, mangy dog that named me "Sue." 

Well, I knew that snake was my own sweet dad 
From a worn-out picture that my mother'd had, 
And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye. 
He was big and bent and gray and old, 
And I looked at him and my blood ran cold 
And I said: "My name is 'Sue!' How do you do! 
Now your gonna die!!" 

Well, I hit him hard right between the eyes 
And he went down, but to my surprise, 
He come up with a knife and cut off a piece of my ear. 
But I busted a chair right across his teeth 
And we crashed through the wall and into the street 
Kicking and a' gouging in the mud and the blood and the beer. 

I tell ya, I've fought tougher men 
But I really can't remember when, 
He kicked like a mule and he bit like a crocodile. 
I heard him laugh and then I heard him cuss, 
He went for his gun and I pulled mine first, 
He stood there lookin' at me and I saw him smile. 

And he said: "Son, this world is rough 
And if a man's gonna make it, he's gotta be tough 
And I knew I wouldn't be there to help ya along. 
So I give ya that name and I said goodbye 
I knew you'd have to get tough or die 
And it's the name that helped to make you strong." 

He said: "Now you just fought one hell of a fight 
And I know you hate me, and you got the right 
To kill me now, and I wouldn't blame you if you do. 
But ya ought to thank me, before I die, 
For the gravel in ya guts and the spit in ya eye 
Cause I'm the son-of-a-bitch that named you "Sue.'" 

I got all choked up and I threw down my gun 
And I called him my pa, and he called me his son, 
And I came away with a different point of view. 
And I think about him, now and then, 
Every time I try and every time I win, 
And if I ever have a son, I think I'm gonna name him 
Bill or George! Anything but Sue! I still hate that name!

Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds "Stagger Lee"

It was back in '32 when times were hard
He had a Colt .45 and a deck of cards. 
Stagger Lee.

He wore rat-drawn shoes and an old stetson hat
Had a '28 Ford, he had payments on that. 
Stagger Lee.

His woman threw him out in the ice and snow
And told him, "Never ever come back no more" 
Stagger Lee.

So he walked through the rain and he walked through the mud
Till he came to a place called The Bucket Of Blood.
Stagger Lee 

He said "Mr Motherfucker, you know who I am"
And the barkeeper said, "No, and I don't give a good goddamn"
To Stagger Lee 

He said, "Well bartender, it's plain to see
I'm that bad motherfucker called Stagger Lee." 
Mr. Stagger Lee

Well the Barkeep said, "Yeah, I've heard your name down the way
And I kick motherfucking asses like you every day, 
Mr Stagger Lee"

Well those were the last words that the barkeep said
'Cause Stag put four holes in his motherfucking head 

Just then in came a broad called Nellie Brown
Known to make more money than any bitch in town 
She struts across the bar, hitching up her skirt
Over to Stagger Lee, she starting to flirt, 
With Stagger Lee.

She saw the barkeep, said, "O God, he can't be dead!"
Stag said, "Well, just count the holes in the motherfucker's head" 
She said, "You ain't look like you scored in quite a time.
Why not come to my pad? It won't cost you a dime, 
Mr. Stagger Lee"

"But there's something that I have to say before you begin
You'll have to be gone before my man Billy Dilly comes in, 
Mr. Stagger Lee."

"I'll stay here till Billy Dilly comes in, till time comes to pass
And furthermore I'll fuck Billy Dilly in his motherfucking ass"
S
aid Stagger Lee.

"I'm a bad motherfucker, don't you know
And I'll crawl over fifty good pussies just to get one fat boy's asshole" 
Said Stagger Lee.

Just then Billy Dilly rolls in and he says, "You must be
That bad motherfucker called Stagger Lee"
I'm Stagger Lee 

"Yeah, I'm Stagger Lee and you better get down on your knees
And suck my dick, because If you don't you're gonna be dead"
Said Stagger Lee 

Well Billy Dilly dropped down and slobbered on his head
And Stag filled him full of lead
Oh yeah.

Weird Al "The Saga Begins"

A long, long time ago
In a galaxy far away
Naboo was under an attack
And I thought me and Qui-Gon Jinn
Could talk the federation into
Maybe cutting them a little slack
But their response, it didn't thrill us
They locked the doors and tried to kill us
We escaped from that gas
Then met Jar Jar and Boss Nass
We took a bongo from the scene
And we went to Theed to see the Queen
We all wound up on Tatooine
That's where we found this boy...

Oh my my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

Did you know this junkyard slave
Isn't even old enough to shave
But he can use the Force, they say
Ah, do you see him hitting on the queen
Though he's just nine and she's fourteen
Yeah, he's probably gonna marry her someday
Well, I know he built C-3PO
And I've heard how fast his pod can go
And we were broke, it's true
So we made a wager or two
He was a prepubescent flyin' ace
And the minute Jabba started off that race
Well, I knew who would win first place
Oh yes, it was our boy

We started singin' ...
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

Now we finally got to Coruscant
The Jedi Council we knew would want
To see how good the boy could be
So we took him there and we told the tale
How his midi-chlorians were off the scale
And he might fulfill that prophecy
Oh, the Council was impressed, of course
Could he bring balance to the Force?
They interviewed the kid
Oh, training they forbid
Because Yoda sensed in him much fear
And Qui-Gon said "Now listen here"
"Just stick it in your pointy ear"
"I still will teach this boy"

He was singin' ...
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

We caught a ride back to Naboo
'Cause Queen Amidala wanted to
I frankly would've liked to stay
We all fought in that epic war
And it wasn't long at all before
Little Hotshot flew his plane and saved the day
And in the end some Gunguns died
Some ships blew up and some pilots fried
A lot of folks were croakin'
The battle droids were broken
And the Jedi I admire most
Met up with Darth Maul and now he's toast
Well, I'm still here and he's a ghost
I guess I'll train this boy

And I was singin' ...
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"
"Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

We were singin' ...
My my this here Anakin guy
May be Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "Soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

Don’t do drugs, unless you’re with me.

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The Origin of Love

When the earth was still flat,
And the clouds made of fire,
And mountains stretched up to the sky,
Sometimes higher,
Folks roamed the earth
Like big rolling kegs.
They had two sets of arms.
They had two sets of legs.
They had two faces peering
Out of one giant head
So they could watch all around them
As they talked; while they read.
And they never knew nothing of love.
It was before the origin of love.

The origin of love

And there were three sexes then,
One that looked like two men
Glued up back to back,
Called the children of the sun.
And similar in shape and girth
Were the children of the earth.
They looked like two girls
Rolled up in one.
And the children of the moon
Were like a fork shoved on a spoon.
They were part sun, part earth
Part daughter, part son.

The origin of love

Now the gods grew quite scared
Of our strength and defiance
And Thor said,
"I'm gonna kill them all
With my hammer,
Like I killed the giants."
And Zeus said, "No,
You better let me
Use my lightening, like scissors,
Like I cut the legs off the whales
And dinosaurs into lizards."
Then he grabbed up some bolts
And he let out a laugh,
Said, "I'll split them right down the middle.
Gonna cut them right up in half."
And then storm clouds gathered above
Into great balls of fire

And then fire shot down
From the sky in bolts
Like shining blades
Of a knife.
And it ripped
Right through the flesh
Of the children of the sun
And the moon
And the earth.
And some Indian god
Sewed the wound up into a hole,
Pulled it round to our belly
To remind us of the price we pay.
And Osiris and the gods of the Nile
Gathered up a big storm
To blow a hurricane,
To scatter us away,
In a flood of wind and rain,
And a sea of tidal waves,
To wash us all away,
And if we don't behave
They'll cut us down again
And we'll be hopping round on one foot
And looking through one eye.

Last time I saw you
We had just split in two.
You were looking at me.
I was looking at you.
You had a way so familiar,
But I could not recognize,
Cause you had blood on your face;
I had blood in my eyes.
But I could swear by your expression
That the pain down in your soul
Was the same as the one down in mine.
That's the pain,
Cuts a straight line
Down through the heart;
We called it love.
So we wrapped our arms around each other,
Trying to shove ourselves back together.
We were making love,
Making love.
It was a cold dark evening,
Such a long time ago,
When by the mighty hand of Jove,
It was the sad story
How we became
Lonely two-legged creatures,
It's the story of
The origin of love.
That's the origin of love.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t6Dp2OfIT_M

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Somebody’s probably already posted this, but definitely Hurricane and Desolation Row by Bob Dylan. Absolutely wonderful. Also, Ain’t Talkin’ is severely underrated.

I’m fed up. I’m tired of seeing nearly jackshit in the feed.

POST SOMETHING ON OFF-TOPIC FOR CHRIST’S SAKE!

I have a lot of cringe posts from years ago so if you see one, be a kind fellow and keep scrolling.

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1812 Overture tells the story of the Russian victory over Napoleon Bonaparte.

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CourtlyHades296 said:

1812 Overture tells the story of the Russian victory over Napoleon Bonaparte.

My, my.

[Insert ‘Waterloo, by Abba’ pun as being a sort of Naploean sequel here]
 

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 (Edited)

Weird Al: Albuquerque

[Verse 1]
Way back when I was just a little bitty boy
Living in a box under the stairs in the corner of the basement of the house
Half a block down the street from Jerry’s Bait Shop
(You know the place)
Well, anyway, back then life was going swell and everything was just peachy!

Except, of course, for the undeniable fact that every single morning
My mother would make me a big ol’ bowl of sauerkraut for breakfast

Aw, big bowl of sauerkraut!
Every single mornin’!
It was driving me crazy

I said to my mom
I said, “Hey, mom, what’s up with all the sauerkraut?”
And my dear, sweet mother
She just looked at me like a cow looks at an oncoming train
And she leaned right down next to me
And she said, “It’s good for you!”
And then she tied me to the wall and stuck a funnel in my mouth
And force fed me nothing but sauerkraut until I was twenty six and a half years old

That’s when I swore that someday
Someday I would get outta that basement and travel to a magical, far away place
Where the sun is always shining and the air smells like warm root beer
And the towels are oh so fluffy
Where the shriners and the lepers play their ukuleles all day long
And anyone on the street will gladly shave your back for a nickel

Wacka wacka doodoo yeah!

Well, let me tell you, people, it wasn’t long at all before my dream came true
Because the very next day, a local radio station had this contest
To see who could correctly guess the number of molecules in Leonard Nimoy’s butt
I was off by three, but I still won the grand prize
That’s right, a first class one-way ticket

[Chorus]
To Albuquerque!
Albuquerque!

[Verse 2]
Oh yeah
You know, I’d never been on a real airplane before
And I gotta tell ya, it was really great
Except that I had to sit between two large Albanian women with excruciatingly severe body odor
And the little kid in back of me kept throwin’ up the whole time
The flight attendants ran out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts
And the in-flight movie was Bio-Dome with Pauly Shore
And, oh yeah, three of the airplane engines burned out
And we went into a tailspin and crashed into a hillside
And the plane exploded in a giant fireball and everybody died
Except for me
You know why?

'Cause I had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position
Had my tray table up
And my seat back in the full upright position

Ah ha ha ha
Ah ha ha
Ah

So I crawled from the twisted, burnin’ wreckage
I crawled on my hands and knees for three full days
Draggin’ along my big leather suitcase and my garment bag
And my tenor saxophone and my twelve-pound bowling ball
And my lucky, lucky autographed glow-in-the-dark snorkel
But finally I arrived at the world famous Albuquerque Holiday Inn
Where the towels are oh so fluffy
And you can eat your soup right out of the ashtrays if you wanna
It’s okay, they’re clean!

Well, I checked into my room and I turned down the A/C
And I turned on the SpectraVision
And I’m just about to eat that little chocolate mint on my pillow
That I love so very, very much when suddenly, there’s a knock on the door

Well now, who could that be?
I say, “Who is it?”
No answer
“Who is it?”
There’s no answer
“Who is it?”
They’re not sayin’ anything

So, finally I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected
It’s some big fat hermaphrodite with a Flock of Seagulls haircut and only one nostril
Oh man, I hate it when I’m right
So anyway, he bursts into my room and he grabs my lucky snorkel
And I’m like, “Hey, you can’t have that!
That snorkel’s been just like a snorkel to me!”
And he’s like, “Tough.”
And I’m like, “Give it!”
And he’s like, “Make me.”
And I’m like, “'kay!”
So I grabbed his leg and he grabbed my esophagus
And I bit off his ear and he chewed off my eyebrows
And I took out his appendix and he gave me a colonic irrigation
Yes, indeed, you better believe it
And somehow in the middle of it all, the phone got knocked off the hook
And twenty seconds later, I heard a familiar voice
And you know what it said?
I’ll tell you what it said

It said
"If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try again;
"If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator
"If you’d like to make a call, please hang up and try again;
“If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator.”

[Chorus]
In Albuquerque
Albuquerque

[Verse 3]
Well, to cut a long story short, he got away with my snorkel
But I made a solemn vow right then and there that I would not rest
I would not sleep for an instant until the one-nostrilled man was brought to justice
But first, I decided to buy some donuts

So I got in my car and I drove over to the donut shop
And I walked on up to the guy behind the counter
And he says, “Yeah, what do ya want?”
I said, “You got any glazed donuts?”
He said, “No, we’re outta glazed donuts.”
I said, “You got any jelly donuts?”
He said, “No, we’re outta jelly donuts.”
I said, “You got any Bavarian cream-filled donuts?”
He said, “No, we’re outta Bavarian cream-filled donuts.”
I said, “You got any cinnamon rolls?”
He said, “No, we’re outta cinnamon rolls.”
I said, “You got any apple fritters?”
He said, “No, we’re outta apple fritters.”
I said, “You got any bear claws?”
He said, "Wait a minute, I’ll go check

“No, we’re outta bear claws.”
I said, “Well, in that case - in that case, what do you have?”
He says, “All I got right now is this box of one dozen starving, crazed weasels”
I said, “Okay, I’ll take that.”

So he hands me the box and I open up the lid and the weasels jump out
And they immediately latch onto my face and start bitin’ me all over
Oh man, they were just going nuts
They were tearin’ me apart
You know, I think it was just about that time that a little ditty started goin’ through my head
I believe it went a little something like this…

Doh!
Get 'em off me!
Get 'em off me!
No, get 'em off, get 'em off!
Oh, oh God, oh God!
Oh, get 'em off me!
Oh, oh God!

I ran out into the street with these flesh-eating weasels all over my face
Wavin’ my arms all around and just runnin’, runnin’, runnin’
Like a constipated wiener dog
And as luck would have it, that’s exactly when I ran into the girl of my dreams
Her name was Zelda
She was a calligraphy enthusiast with a slight overbite and hair the color of strained peaches
I’ll never forget the first thing she said to me
She said, “Hey, you’ve got weasels on your face.”

That’s when I knew it was true love
We were inseparable after that
Aw, we ate together, we bathed together
We even shared the same piece of mint-flavored dental floss
The world was our burrito
So we got married and we bought us a house
And had two beautiful children - Nathaniel and Superfly
Oh, we were so very very very happy, aw yeah

But then one fateful night, Zelda said to me
She said, “Sweetie pumpkin? Do you wanna join the Columbia Record Club?”
I said, “Whoa, hold on now, baby, I’m just not ready for that kind of a commitment!”
So we broke up and I never saw her again
But that’s just the way things go

[Chorus]
In Albuquerque
Albuquerque

[Verse 4]
Anyway, things really started lookin’ up for me
Because about a week later, I finally achieved my lifelong dream
That’s right, I got me a part-time job at The Sizzler!
I even made employee of the month after I put out that grease fire with my face
Aw yeah, everybody was pretty jealous of me after that
I was gettin’ a lot of attitude

OK, like one time, I was out in the parking lot
Tryin’ to remove my excess earwax with a golf pencil
When I see this guy Marty tryin’ to carry a big ol’ sofa up the stairs all by himself
So I, I say to him, I say, “Hey, you want me to help you with that?”
And Marty, he just rolls his eyes and goes
“No, I want you to cut off my arms and legs with a chainsaw.”

So I did

And then he gets all indignant on me
He’s like, “Hey man, I was just being sarcastic!”
Well, that’s just great
How was I supposed to know that?
I’m not a mind reader for cryin’ out loud
Besides, now he’s got a really cute nickname: “Torso-Boy”!
So what’s he complaining about?

Say, that reminds me of another amusing anecdote
This guy comes up to me on the street and says he hasn’t had a bite in three days
Well, I knew what he meant
But just to be funny, I took a big bite out of his jugular vein
And he’s yellin’ and screamin’ and bleeding all over
And I’m like, “Hey, come on, don’tcha get it?”
But he just keeps rolling around on the sidewalk, bleeding, and screaming
You know, just completely missing the irony of the whole situation
Man, some people just can’t take a joke, you know?

Anyway, um, um, where was I?
Kinda lost my train of thought

Uh, well, uh, okay
Anyway I, I know it’s kinda been a roundabout way of saying it
But I guess the whole point I’m tryin’ to make here is:

I
Hate
Sauerkraut!

That’s all I’m really tryin’ to say
And, by the way, if one day you happen to wake up
And find yourself in an existential quandary​
Full of loathing and self-doubt
And wracked with the pain and isolation of your pitiful meaningless existence
At least you can take a small bit of comfort in knowing that
Somewhere out there in this crazy mixed-up old universe of ours
There’s still a little place called

[Outro]
Albuquerque
Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque

I said, “A” (A)
“L” (L)
“B” (B)
“U” (U)
“…Querque!” (Querque!)

Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque
Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque, Albuquerque

Albuquerque

Why don’t you say something righteous and hopeful for a change? - oojason
Episode 9 Rewrite THE SHATTERED SWORD (Complete!)
The Force Awakens Restructured (V3 Released!) and The Starlight Project (WORKPRINT RELEASED!)

Author
Time

Weird Al: The Jackson Park Express

[Verse 1]
Tuesday morning, 8:15
I was riding to work on the
Jackson Park Express
Seemed like any other day
Then my whole world changed
In a way I never could have guessed
Cause she walked in
Took the seat right across the aisle
I knew we had a special connection
The second I saw her smile

She smiled as if to say
“Hello, Haven’t seen you on this bus before”
I gave her a look that said
“Huh, Life is funny, you never know what’s in store
By the way, your hair is beautiful
I bet it smells like raisins”

She looked at me in a way that asked
“Did you have a nose job or something?
I’m only asking, cause your nose looks slightly better
Than the rest of your face”
I arched my eyebrow, ever so slightly
Which was my way of asking
“Do you want my old Hewlett-Packard printer?
It still works, Kinda
And I got a bunch of ink cartridges left”

Then, she let out a long sigh
Which, I took to mean, “Uh
Mama, What is that deodorant you’re wearing?
It’s intoxicating
Why don’t we drive out to the country sometime?
And collect deer ticks in a zip-lock baggie”, Oh yeah

I gave her a penetrating stare
Which could only mean
“You are my answer, my answer to everything
Which is why, I’ll probably do very poorly
On the written part of my driver’s test”

[Chorus]
Yes, It all happened
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express

[Verse 2]
I knew she was starting to fall for me
Cause she crinkled her nose, which unmistakably meant
“Baby, lets wear each other’s clothes
And speak in a thick German accent
And, maybe someday we can own and operate
Our own mobile pet-grooming service”
I couldn’t hold back my feelings
I gave her a look, that said
“I would make any sacrifice for your love
Goat, chicken, whatever
I could never hold you close enough
Let’s have our bodies surgically grafted together
Oh, surgically grafted together”

She picked up her newspaper, and started reading to herself
Which I’m sure, was a way of telling me
“When you’re cold, I will warm you
When you’re shivering, I will hold you
When you’re nauseous, I will give you Pepto-Bismol every hour
For as long as the symptoms persist
Oh, I, I never, ever want to see you cry
So, please let me cauterize your tear ducts with an arc welder”
Then, I glanced down, at her shirt, for a second
In a way that clearly implied
“I like your boobs”

[Chorus]

[Verse 3]
I cleared my throat quietly, and then, I looked away
And I’m sure it was obvious to her, just what I was trying to say
I was trying to say, “Hey
I’d like to make a wall-sized mural out of all the dead skin cells
That you slough off while you sleep at night”
Whoa-o-Oh, “I’d like to rip you wide open
And french-kiss every single one of your internal organs
Oh, I’d like to remove all your skin, and wear your skin, over my own skin
But not in a creepy way”

Then, I’m pretty sure, she looked at me, out of the corner of her good eye
And, though, she never spoke a word, this is exactly what I heard
She was saying, “Oh!
I wanna make out with you, in an abandoned toll-booth, in the middle of a monsoon
I wanna ride dolphins with you, in the moonlight
Until the staff at Sea World kicks us out
I want you inside me, oh, like a tapeworm”

I pointed to the side of my mouth, as a way of indicating
“Hey, I think you got something on the side of your mouth”
She licked the corner of her lips, as if to say
“Here?”, I nodded, implying, “Yeah, you got it”

And, then the bus stopped, at 53rd Street, and she got up suddenly
“Where are you going?”, pleaded my eyes, “Baby, don’t you do this to me
Think of the beautiful children we could have someday
We could school them at home, Raise them up the right way
And protect them from the evils of the world
Like Trigonometry and Prime Numbers, oh no
Baby, please don’t go”

She brushed my leg, as she left the bus
I’m sure that was her way of saying
“I’m sorry this just isn’t working out
You’re suffocating me
I need some space to find out what life’s all about
So, goodbye forever, my love”

And deep inside, I knew she was right
It was time for us both to move on
And though, I never got her number, oh no no
She never bothered to leave her address, oh
But, as long as I live, I’ll never forget
Those precious moments we shared together

[Outro]
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express
On the Jackson Park Express

Why don’t you say something righteous and hopeful for a change? - oojason
Episode 9 Rewrite THE SHATTERED SWORD (Complete!)
The Force Awakens Restructured (V3 Released!) and The Starlight Project (WORKPRINT RELEASED!)

Author
Time

Inexplicable by the Correspondents, while not telling a very direct story, still has interesting lyrics. It’s basically a series of anecdotes from a guy who doesn’t know his place in the world. The first verse is about thinking he has a superpower until he finds out the hard way he doesn’t. The second verse is about believing God is real until he finds out the hard way he isn’t. He’s beaten down by life at every turn.

For something a lot more straightforward, Escape is a good one. Married couple cheat on each other with each other. Simple and sweet.

I love how Starless Night shamelessly dives headfirst into being a traditional hero rescues damsel story. Granted, technically it’s his wife and child, so the dynamic is a little different. It basically makes a bit more of a revenge song when you look at it that way. That only shines through in the video, though. The lyrics are vague enough as to just refer to rescuing a loved one and doing the traditional Hero’s Journey in the process.

Ra-Ra-Rasputin is a love letter to tabloid gossip, but delivers such themes through the (fictionalized) story of Rasputin. It’s like Buzzfeed doing a documentary, and the result is wonderfully silly.

Over the Hills and Far Away tells a nice Monte Cristo-esque story only without the revenge.