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STAR WARS: The Oncoming Storm

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 (Edited)

Hey, earlier today I was working on this script. I've pretty much typed non-stop on this. Reviewing it, some of it needs work. Also, it's not finished yet. But I thought it would be an Idea to post it, just to get your guys thoughts.

I also heavily, and shamefully rip-off numerous things as I don't have an original bone in my body (well, not all of my body) for which I apologise. Some of the dialogue needs work, and some scenes need to be longer, but you should get the gist of where I'm getting at. Most of the terrible dialogue and stupidity you can chalk up to lack of sleep and a particularly nasty headache.

Enjoy! (or don't...)

EDIT: Having problems uploading script. I'll see if I can upload it as a PDF somewhere...

EDIT: Sorted! http://www.megaupload.com/?d=ZENHWZHS

<span style=“font-weight: bold;”>The Most Handsomest Guy on OT.com</span>

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By the way, just thought I'd mention. There won't be a lightsabre duel in this one, there will be one at the beginning of the next one but that'll be more a 'light-foil' fight. Sort of Errol Flynn-y.

We won't get a proper lightsabre duel (a la ESB) until the third one.

<span style=“font-weight: bold;”>The Most Handsomest Guy on OT.com</span>

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 (Edited)

DOUBLE POST TOAST

<span style=“font-weight: bold;”>The Most Handsomest Guy on OT.com</span>

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Read the whole thing. Like the interplay between Skywalker and Kenobi, the action opening was a good choice, and the ship going to light speed and tearing up the clone vessel was a great touch. 

Certain elements feel a tad too reminiscent of ANH, so it might help to go a different route with them. Maybe the ship they get looks great, but runs terribly in contrast to the Falcon. The test with Anakin isn't him with his senses blocked, but perhaps overloaded with either sight or sound so he has to focus his abilities and mind on one thing. Just an idea. 

A decent portion of the dialogue has excess unnatural exposition but you already admitted that.

Finally I think it would help to get just a bit more development between Anakin and Obi-Wan before they leave Tatooine. Doesn't really seem like the former sees so much force potential in the former, and that he's along because he's just a helpful pilot. I guess I just think that Anakin's decision to be a Jedi needs a seem a bit more meaningful, because it feels more like him choosing a career choice.

Overall I will say there's tons of potential with this.  

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CWBorne said:

Read the whole thing. Like the interplay between Skywalker and Kenobi, the action opening was a good choice, and the ship going to light speed and tearing up the clone vessel was a great touch. 


Thanks, glad you enjoyed those bits.

Certain elements feel a tad too reminiscent of ANH, so it might help to go a different route with them. Maybe the ship they get looks great, but runs terribly in contrast to the Falcon. The test with Anakin isn't him with his senses blocked, but perhaps overloaded with either sight or sound so he has to focus his abilities and mind on one thing. Just an idea. 

Cool, I think I think I'll try those ideas.

A decent portion of the dialogue has excess unnatural exposition but you already admitted that.

Yeah, sorry about that. My choice to not have an opening crawl meant that the characters had to talk about what the hell was going on.

Finally I think it would help to get just a bit more development between Anakin and Obi-Wan before they leave Tatooine. Doesn't really seem like the former sees so much force potential in the former, and that he's along because he's just a helpful pilot. I guess I just think that Anakin's decision to be a Jedi needs a seem a bit more meaningful, because it feels more like him choosing a career choice.

Maybe there could be hints of Anakin's force abilities for when they are packing to leave anchorhead. Or maybe on the way to mos eisley the speeder breaks down and they have to continue on foot, leading to more character development between the two. I do feel there needs to be more character moments between Anakin and Obi-wan before they arrive at the Fleet.

Overall I will say there's tons of potential with this. 

Thanks again.

What other things do you think could be tweaked or changed?

<span style=“font-weight: bold;”>The Most Handsomest Guy on OT.com</span>

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Obviously its early in the draft, so I'm sure you have much more planned, yet I will say to be careful in regards to what's be revealed and when. If there's more plot twists and turns fine, but if not that much you may wish to consider spreading out the information revealed at bit more broadly than just the first 35 pages.

The Dark Jedi thing for example could very well be something that Kenobi reveals later. Its a tricky balance of course, as you're trying to keep the audience intrigued about this universe but not confused as to what's going on. Again, this may not even be a valid complaint depending on what you have planned. 

Also it doesn't hurt to be specific in giving characterization to the clones. The multiple types is a good touch, and ship design is a a good visual shorthand, but an audience might be expecting notable/unique about them. The design of the Stormtroopers and the look of Vader immediately got the audience interested in ANH. Something to remember.