I wrote out some more detailed thoughts for you, hope you don’t mind!
I had an idea for the first scene that I think might help make it feel a little more seamless:
As Tarkin turns to deliver the line about the “rather talkative cargo pilot”, this is when you cut to the shot of Krennic smirking. This could be interpreted as Krennic showing forced amusement at Tarkin’s choice of words, if you kept that whole shot.
Then you cut to the shot of Tarkin walking past Krennic, back facing camera. You could keep showing Tarkin’s face briefly as he turns to face Krennic when he says, “flock to the Rebellion”, or you could have Krennic interrupt him before he finishes his line, and cut to the shot of Krennic saying, “The Senate should be of little concern…” I personally think you could make this his first face shot, but it is still at a distance and only shown for a second or two.
I think you could briefly show Tarkin’s face as he pauses before his next line, “When has become now director Krennic, the Emperor will tolerate no further delays.” (place the entirely of this line in the following OTS shot, or have him start his line briefly then cut to the OTS). To me, it almost feels forced that we never see his face, but maybe we can see it very very briefly in one or two wider shots so it doesn’t feel like you’re trying to hide it. We don’t overuse his face, but we show just enough so the audience knows what he actually looks like.
Cut the “You have made time and ally of the Rebellion.” line and shot.
You can jump cut between the OTS shot of Tarkin approaching Krennic and then shot of Tarkin speaking into his ear, “I suggest we solve both problems simultaneously…” In this instance the two problems are the talkative pilot and the delays the Emperor can no longer tolerate. Two birds with one stone.
I think the jump cut would work best when Tarkin’s shoulder is as close to Krennic as possible, then cut to the next shot (maybe when Tarkin is blocking Krennic from camera to help the cut feel less jumpy), skipping Tarkin’s close-up.
We can slightly see Tarkin’s face as he finishes the line, “-with an immediate test of the weapon.” But since it isn’t a direct close-up and his face is pretty obscured in darkness, I think it could still work as is. You also could possibly artificially blur that shot to malr him out of focus earlier than it actually loses focus.
Then, after Krennic turns to face Tarkin, you could cut to the close-up of Krennic that you slowed down. “I will not fail.”
And maybe the last shot of Tarkin, maybe you could tease his face a little more before he turns around?
It is pretty different from your current version, but I don’t think that scene can realistically work as excised as you currently have it. But I do think you can still cut around his face quite a lot while still generally keeping the blocking of the scene in order to avoid awkward continuity.
For the next Tarkin scene, I don’t think you really need the extra shot you added in that has continuity issues. I honestly think you could jump cut from the shot of Krennic stepping forward to the shot of him turning around and it wouldn’t feel that strange. I at least think it would be better than if you kept that additional shot that is from an entirely different scene.
I like the way you had Tarkin’s following dialogue in the next scene as VO. I think it works well here.
The scene where Tarkin wants to speak to Krennic, I think you should just end that scene with Tarkin asking if the plans are on Scarif and the officer replying yes. Ending the scene there would be enough to infer what he is going to do, and we don’t need to know that he is “informing Lord Vader”. Vader can just be a surprise at the end of the film. Another reason to do this is because you’re forced to overuse that one wide shot and it is noticeable.
If you keep Leia’s face concealed (Broom Kid made a very fair point about it!), maybe you could add the sound of R2’s wheels getting closer to Captain Antilles, which will help the audience assume that he is right there with him and Leia when she delivers that line. Even better, you could place R2 right behind Captain Antilles in the shot of him handing the plans to Leia.
Also, I don’t think you need the quick shot of the rebels pulling the plans back out and saying, “Let’s go!”. Just showing the plans transmitting (and hearing it say ‘transmitting’) is enough to know what is going on. I just assume those are some rebels on the Profundity who don’t make it off alive, and they’re transmitting it to the Tantive IV.
I don’t know if you’re using wipes throughout, but I think having the fade-to-white just fade back onto the Tantive IV flying away from the Profundity would work as well if you decided not to use wipes too. It just feels a little out of place there to me because wipes typically imply time is passing, and you don’t really have wipes in the middle of battle.
Sorry for the long post, just wanted to give you some feedback!