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So, Rey finds Luke and offers him his lighsaber. What happens next? Let’s take a look at how the conversation must have went:
Luke: “What’s that?”
Rey: “It’s your lightsaber, sir.”
Luke: “My lightsaber? No, there must be some mistake. I’ve got mine right here.”
Rey: “No, sir, I believe this is your original lightsaber.”
Luke: “Whaaaaat?!? Let me see that! Well I’ll be a gundark’s uncle…it is my lightsaber! How did you get it? I mean, I lost this, like, 33 years ago. I dropped it onto a gas giant planet. Gas giant planets have a solid core, don’t they?”
Rey: “Yes, sir. I think so.”
Luke: “Wow! Well, but the solid surface would be under so much gravity and so much tremendous air pressure, you’d be crushed! I wonder how you got it? And look! There’s not a scratch on my lightsaber! It fell for, like, miles and miles and didn’t even get dented when it landed!”
Rey: “Um, I guess so, sir. I wouldn’t know anything about that. Some short orangish or yellowish lady gave it to me.”
Luke: “Ah, OK. Well that explains it. So…I see you solved my little ‘Where’s Luke’ puzzle. Tell me, how did you do it.”
Rey: “Oh, yeah! That! Well there was this old man on my home planet Jakku. He had the map.”
Luke: “Ah, yes! My old buddy Lor! How’s the old guy doing?”
Rey: “Um, he’s dead, sir.”
Luke: “Dead?! What do you mean dead?!”
Rey: “Well, you see, sir, evidently your nephew…”
Luke: “Ben?”
Rey: “Well, he calls himself ‘Ren’ now, sir.”
Luke: “Ren. OK, go on…”
Rey: “Anyway, so your nephew Ren showed up with a bunch of stormtroopers, looking for your map. I guess he’s looking for you, sir.”
Luke: “Oh, OK, but how did Lor die? That’s what I asked about.”
Rey: “Oh, that. Yes. Well, your nephew Ren killed him.”
Luke: “Awwwwww…is Ren still doing that kind of crap? Killing people and stuff?”
Rey: “Well, yeah. In fact, he wanted the map to find you so bad, he set this village on fire and then murdered all the innocent villagers.”
Luke: “Oh…”
Rey: “Yeah. And then Ren tortured a Resistance pilot to get the location of your map out of him.”
Luke: “Tortured? Oh…”
Rey: “Yeah, well, then as luck would have it, I found the Resistance pilot’s droid, who was carrying your map.”
Luke: “Oh. A droid? I like droids. How’d you like that little gimmick I did with R2 being asleep? Ha ha! I bet that got you guys going! The other half of the map was inside R2 all along!”
Rey: “Um, yeah. It was…interesting, I suppose. Um, why did you make R2 go to sleep for all that time?”
Luke: “Well because I didn’t want him to give away his half of the map! You see?”
Rey: “Oh. R2 isn’t trustworthy?”
Luke: “Of course R2 is trustworthy! Why do you think I trusted him with the map?! Wow…I’m beginning to have my doubts about you.”
Rey: “Oh, well it’s just that if you trust R2, why did you put him to slee…oh, never mind. Anyway, so I had the droid with your map and then I bumped into this stormtrooper guy who had defected from the First Order. So we hopped aboard the Millenium Falcon and took off and then we bumped into Han Solo.”
Luke: “Cool! My old buddy Han.”
Rey: “Yeah, well Mr. Solo told us we had to talk to that orange or yellow lady I told you about earlier. He told us she could help us get the droid carrying your map to the Resistance planet.”
Luke: “Why didn’t you just fly to the Resistance planet?”
Rey: “Um, you’d have to ask Mr. Solo that, sir. Anyway, the orange lady gave me your lightsaber. I think the stormtrooper guy asked how she got it from the surface of a gas giant planet, but she told us she’d tell us later.”
Luke: “Oh. Well I’m really excited to hear that story!”
Rey: “Well, yeah, anyway, your nephew showed up again on this planet and he and his troops blew up the orange lady’s castle and killed just about everyone inside it.”
Luke: “Heavens! All those innocent people? Why did he do that?!”
Rey: “Well because he wanted your map!”
Luke: “Oh…”
Rey: “Yeah, I didn’t think that made much sense, either. I’m not sure why he blew up the castle if he thought we were inside. I mean, your map would be buried under all the rubble or get burned up in the fires. I’m not sure why he did that. He’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer.”
Luke: “So…um…all those people died because Ben, er, um, Ren wanted my map?”
Rey: “Pretty much.”
Luke: “Oh…that’s so…terrible. All those people…dead. My old friend Lor, dead, too. Man, at least it’s good to hear Han’s still alive and kicking.”
Rey: “Oh, no. He’s dead, too.”
Luke: “WHAT?!?”
Rey: “Yeah, see, Ren wanted your map so desperately, he captured me and took me to this planet where they had this thing that blows up planets. So Mr. Solo, Chewbacca, and that stormtrooper guy I was telling you about landed on that planet to save me. While trying to save me, Ren killed Han.”
Luke: “Ohhhhh…my…heavens…that’s…this is the worst day of my life…”
Rey: “Well, yeah. Anyway, at least I’m here. So, um, what did you want?”
Luke: “What’s that, now?”
Rey: “Oh, um, you know – what did you want? Why did you hide the map and all that jazz? I’m here after all of that, so what’s the big, monumental thing you want to reveal to me?”
Luke: “Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, yeah! Ha ha, yeah, um, that.” Scratches back of neck “I, um, you know, just wanted to test to see how, um, you know, good you are at the Force and, um, stuff…”
