logo Sign In

Rewrite the OT in light of the PT

Author
Date
Author
Time
Post link
Well, even though I would never go back to posting at F.n, there are still two threads that I dearly miss. "The Basher's Sanctuary", and "Rewrite the OT in light of the PT". Having gone back and read a few posts, I just felt the need to share some of the better ones with y'all. I hope you enjoy these random posts as much as I do.

I thought this one was VERY appropriate in light of the X0 Project:
47. INT. STAR WARS - THE SAGA EDITION - CONFERENCE ROOM.

Eight Imperial senators and generals sit around a black conference table, the Lucasfilm logo is prominantly featured in the center. Imperial stormtroopers stand guard around the room. Commander Tagge, a young, slimy-looking general, is speaking.

TAGGE

Until this Saga is fully computer animated we are vulnerable. The hardcore fanbase is too well equipped. They're more dangerous than you realize.

The bitter Admiral Motti twists nervously in his chair.

MOTTI

Dangerous to your fanfiction, Commander, not to this Saga!

TAGGE

The fanbase will continue to gain a support thanks the Original Trilogy as long as...

Suddenly all heads turn as Commander Tagge's speech is cut short and the Grand Moff Tarkin, editor of DVD region 1, enters. He is followed by his powerful ally, The Sith Lord, Darth Vader. All of the generals stand and bow before the thin, evil-looking editor as he takes his place at the head of the table. The Dark Lord stands behind him.

TARKIN

The Original Trilogy will no longer be of any concern to us. I've just received word that Lucas has replaced Sir Alec Guinness with Ewan McGregor permanently. The last remnants of the Old Trilogy have been swept away.

TAGGE

That's impossible! How will Lucas maintain the artistic credibility of the Saga without Sir Alec Guiness?

TARKIN

Regional editors now have direct control over their DVD territories. Fear will keep the critics in line. Fear of additional alternations.

TAGGE

And what of the fanbase? If the hardcore fans have obtained a complete technical readout of this Saga, it is possible, however unlikely, that they might find a weakness and re-edit it.

VADER

The plans you refer to will soon be back in our hands.

MOTTI

Any edit made by the fanbase against this Saga would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they've obtained. This Saga is now the ultimate series in the universe. I suggest we distribute it!

VADER

Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed. The ability to destroy a classic is insignificant next to the opinion of the Fans.

This one's pretty good, and I especially love the last part:

Vader and Obi-Wan are dueling on the Death Star
Both are swinging their lightsabers like 2 ton lead pipes,
and moving as gracefully as a pig on stilts.


Vader: Your powers are weak, old man.

Obi-Wan: Yeah, I know. So are yours, what happened?

Vader: Well, you cut off my legs and my good arm and left me to die in lava, what's your excuse?

Obi-Wan: I dunno. I'm old, but not that old, and kind of a drunk. (Vader and Obi-Wan put away their sabers)

Vader: You're like what, 50-something? Dooku was older than you, and he moved around like crazy. Yoda and Palpatine too.

Obi-Wan: Huh, they were all way older then me. All those years on Tattooine, no duels, maybe there's sand in my lightsaber.

Vader: I hate sand. Sand sucks. Sand blows. Sand sucks and blows.

Obi-Wan: Riiiight. Well, what about Grievous? He was almost all machine and couldn't use the force.

Vader: Hmmmm. You're right. He got a way cooler suit than me, mine's still pretty cool though.

Obi-Wan: True. That it is. And Grievous got 4 lightsabers and didn't lumber and lurch around everywhere.

Vader: That's right! Hey, George! Get over here! Lumber and lurch? What are you talking abo--

Lucas: Is there a problem Darth?

Vader: My name ain't Darth.

Lucas: Sorry, Ani.

Obi-Wan: You bet there's a problem. We were the baddest Jedi in the galaxy, and now I look like a lightsaber virgin.

Vader: Somethings wrong, I'm not the Sith I should be. You're holding me back!

Lucas: Easy there, Ani. Well, Obi-Wan is old and Vader is more machine than man. That's why you guys stink.

Vader: What about Grievous?

Obi-Wan: And Dooku. And Palpatine and Yoda. I suck cause I'm old, they're bad-ass in spite of it.

Lucas: Yeah, but it's CG and all, it's cool. In fact, you sho------

Vader: I will not let a CG character make me look like a chump. I find my lack of fighting skills disturbing. (begins to force choke Lucas)

Lucas: (gasp, choke, gasp)

Obi-Wan: Release him Vader.

Vader: As you wish. (Vader releases Lucas)

Lucas: (gasp) Thanks, Obi-Wan. (cough, cough)

Vader: Wait, you're not my master any more! Why should I listen to you?

Obi-Wan: Here's why! (Obi-Wan ignites lightsaber and cuts off Lucas' legs and one of his arms, leaving a bearded torso.) Boo-Ya!

Vader: Wizard! That's kinda cool, when it doesn't happen to me. By the way, what's with the leaving one arm thing?

Obi-Wan: It's my trademark, a calling card. Plus, it's funny. Look at him crawling around down there.

Lucas: AAAARRRGGGGHHHH! Someone help me! Please! I hate you!

Vader: I find his lack of limbs humorous.

Obi-Wan: It'd be funnier if he'd just killed his wife and unborn child, screwed up his Jedi career, and was on fire.

Vader: (ignites lightsaber) That's it! Let's go old man! This party is over!

Obi-Wan: If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.

Vader: Really? I'd like to see that. (cuts Obi-Wan down, but only finds robes, he looks around confused)

Lucas: AAAAAAAHHHHH! OOOWWWWW! Anyone? A little help?

Vader: Hmmm. That might be the one time Obi-Wan told the truth.

Luke: BEN!!

Vader: Ben? Who the #$@% is Ben?


Stay tuned for more.

<span class=“Italics”>MeBeJedi: Sadly, I believe the prequels are beyond repair.
<span class=“Bold”>JediRandy: They’re certainly beyond any repair you’re capable of making.</span></span>

<span class=“Italics”>MeBeJedi: You aren’t one of us.
<span class=“Bold”>Go-Mer-Tonic: I can’t say I find that very disappointing.</span></span>

<span class=“Italics”>JediRandy: I won’t suck as much as a fan edit.</span>

Author
Time
Post link
LOL! We want more! That was actually pretty good, it made me laugh, and I'm really picky. I find most of the stuff at TF.n boring (read: geekness level is off limits), so I might also miss some hidden pearls.

And boy, I could really hear Cushing uttering "regional editors" with his accent...
I saw the original theatrical release of the Old Trilogy on the big screen and I'm proud of it...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
Author
Time
Post link
Here's something funny from the Basher's Sanctuary:

1977 all over again and this time the marketing campaing is honest:

Come see a half-completed film called Star Wars (The actual title may or may not change if technology permits it in the future).
In this film you will see aliens from a thousand worlds (and later if technology permits, you will see disney creatures in it as well).
You will see people shooting first, who were meant to shoot second because of the limitations in technology. In fact most of the people shooting in this movie were never supposed to fire a weapon in the first place. (We will fix this in the future)
Some of the characters that do not appear in this movie, will be added in later.
It's a story of a boy, a girl and a universe....For now.




"I could really hear Cushing uttering "regional editors" with his accent... "

I know.....that WHOLE SCENE plays out in my head just like the movie. LOL!

<span class=“Italics”>MeBeJedi: Sadly, I believe the prequels are beyond repair.
<span class=“Bold”>JediRandy: They’re certainly beyond any repair you’re capable of making.</span></span>

<span class=“Italics”>MeBeJedi: You aren’t one of us.
<span class=“Bold”>Go-Mer-Tonic: I can’t say I find that very disappointing.</span></span>

<span class=“Italics”>JediRandy: I won’t suck as much as a fan edit.</span>

Author
Time
Post link
Coming in the 30th Anniversary 3-D Special Edition: Han Solo's blaster is replaced with a walkie talkie as he confronts Greedo.
I am fluent in over six million forms of procrastination.
Author
Time
Post link
Originally posted by: Master Skywalker
Originally posted by: ADigitalMan
Coming in the 30th Anniversary 3-D Special Edition: Han Solo's blaster is replaced with a walkie talkie as he confronts Greedo.


And his walkie-talkie shoots FORCE LIGHTNING!!!!


Better yet, he waits till Greedo shoots at him, dodges it and then throws the walkie talkie at Greedo with such inhuman speed and strength that Greedo is killed from the impact.
I'd like a qui-gon jinn please with an Obi-Wan to go.

Red heads ROCK. Blondes do not rock. Nuff said.

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v72/greencapt/hansolovsindy.jpg
Author
Time
Post link
Greedo shoots at Han and misses. Han pours his drink over greedos head, slaps him, and walks away.

War does not make one great.

Author
Time
Post link
Han is afraid that Greedo is going to blast his so he gets Greedo drunk, Greedo falls asleep on the table (continuing normal scene) HAN: Sorry about the mess, he pays the bill (points finger at Greedo) and gives all the people at the bar some money to make them shut up.
.: Revenge of the Jedi 0.83 MS Edition :.
Author
Time
Post link
LOL, absolutely brilliant, especially the first one. I think my signature would fit in with that somehow.
George Lucas was seduced by the dark side. The OOT ceased to exist in his mind and became the Special Editions...." "They're more maching now than movies. Twisted and evil."
Author
Time
Post link
How about this..........

INT- Emperor Lucas’s throne room-Skywalker Ranch

Darth McCallum brings in a handcuffed Star Wars fan, who was found guilty of making laserdisc transfers of the OOT to DVD and selling hundreds of copies on Ebay.

EMPEROR LUCAS
Welcome, young Star Wars fan. I have been expecting you. You no longer need those.

McCallum removes the handcuffs.

EMPEROR LUCAS
Bodyguards, leave us.
I'm looking forward to completing your training. In time you will call
me Master.

Fan
You're gravely mistaken. You won't convert me as you did millions of others.

EMPEROR LUCAS
Oh, no, my young admirer. You will find that it is you who are
mistaken...about a great many things.

DARTH MCCALLUM
His laptop.

McCallum hands Emperor Lucas the fan’s laptop computer.

EMPEROR LUCAS
Ah, yes, an OOT restorer’s weapon. Much like your follwers'. By now you must know
the Star Wars trilogy will never be turned back from the dark side. So will it be with you.

FAN
You're wrong. Soon your career will be dead. And McCallum's with yours.

Lucas laughs.

EMPEROR LUCAS
Perhaps you refer to the imminent attack of your OOT on Ebay.
Yes...I assure you we are quite safe from your versions here.

FAN
Your dependence on CGI is your weakness.

EMPEROR LUCAS
Your faith in the original versions is yours.

DARTH MCCALLUM
It is pointless to resist, young fan.

EMPEROR LUCAS
Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design.
All your ebay buyers are walking into a trap, as are your message board buddies. It was I who allowed the listings to appear on Ebay. They are quite safe from the masses. An entire legion of my best troops will arrest them. Oh...I'm afraid the my new CGI versions will be quite operational when the cops arrive.
George Lucas was seduced by the dark side. The OOT ceased to exist in his mind and became the Special Editions...." "They're more maching now than movies. Twisted and evil."
Author
Time
Post link
OH....MY....DEAR....LORD!




That was fantastic! LOL!

<span class=“Italics”>MeBeJedi: Sadly, I believe the prequels are beyond repair.
<span class=“Bold”>JediRandy: They’re certainly beyond any repair you’re capable of making.</span></span>

<span class=“Italics”>MeBeJedi: You aren’t one of us.
<span class=“Bold”>Go-Mer-Tonic: I can’t say I find that very disappointing.</span></span>

<span class=“Italics”>JediRandy: I won’t suck as much as a fan edit.</span>

Author
Time
Post link
Originally posted by: JennyS1138
How about this..........

INT- Emperor Lucas’s throne room-Skywalker Ranch

Darth McCallum brings in a handcuffed Star Wars fan, who was found guilty of making laserdisc transfers of the OOT to DVD and selling hundreds of copies on Ebay.

EMPEROR LUCAS
Welcome, young Star Wars fan. I have been expecting you. You no longer need those.

McCallum removes the handcuffs.

EMPEROR LUCAS
Bodyguards, leave us.
I'm looking forward to completing your training. In time you will call
me Master.

Fan
You're gravely mistaken. You won't convert me as you did millions of others.

EMPEROR LUCAS
Oh, no, my young admirer. You will find that it is you who are
mistaken...about a great many things.

DARTH MCCALLUM
His laptop.

McCallum hands Emperor Lucas the fan’s laptop computer.

EMPEROR LUCAS
Ah, yes, an OOT restorer’s weapon. Much like your follwers'. By now you must know
the Star Wars trilogy will never be turned back from the dark side. So will it be with you.

FAN
You're wrong. Soon your career will be dead. And McCallum's with yours.

Lucas laughs.

EMPEROR LUCAS
Perhaps you refer to the imminent attack of your OOT on Ebay.
Yes...I assure you we are quite safe from your versions here.

FAN
Your dependence on CGI is your weakness.

EMPEROR LUCAS
Your faith in the original versions is yours.

DARTH MCCALLUM
It is pointless to resist, young fan.

EMPEROR LUCAS
Everything that has transpired has done so according to my design.
All your ebay buyers are walking into a trap, as are your message board buddies. It was I who allowed the listings to appear on Ebay. They are quite safe from the masses. An entire legion of my best troops will arrest them. Oh...I'm afraid the my new CGI versions will be quite operational when the cops arrive.


That was ..........................AWESOME
Author
Time
Post link
Thanks! I'm glad you guys liked it.
George Lucas was seduced by the dark side. The OOT ceased to exist in his mind and became the Special Editions...." "They're more maching now than movies. Twisted and evil."
Author
Time
Post link
OK, how about THIS one:

Yoda: No! Try not! Do! Or do not! There is no try...

Luke: Only a sith deals in absolutes. I'll do what I must. *lights up lightsaber, decapitates Yoda*
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
Author
Time
Post link
JennyS1138:

That was great. Really cool. I can totally invision one of us standing there handcuffed in front of McCullum, and Lucas - sitting there all smug in his ranch chair, wearing his flannel shirt, telling us that all our hopes for original OT are in vain.
"I am altering the movies. Pray I don't alter them any further." -Darth Lucas
Author
Time
Post link
LOL, JennyS1138's vision inspired me in a way, so I imagined something like this:

Skywalker Ranch, evening. George - in all his flannel glory and fuzzy slippers - is making new plans for his entertainment empire...

- Yes... um... yes... that's a good one... Rick would love it... but that another educational program has to have a name... ah! let's focus on its key figure: Jar-Jar.... the tutor for children... Got it! "Wesa No Leaving No Kiddie Behindie Muy-Muy"!

While drawing a conceptual sketch of WNLNKBMM logo, he's startled by a strange sound outside...

- Darned private planes... I'll sue them all for disturbing me... I swe....

Suddenly a gunship lands with a whizzing sound in front of the house! Clone troopers force their way through the big glass wall on one side of the house. George just stands in place, paralyzed with fear and disbelief.
Clone commander walks up to him:

- George Lucas, you're under arrest for breaking the law of the Republic! Retrospective data alteration without prior permission from a republican senior archivist is a serious offense! Take him!
- What? Wait! This can't be...
Troopers try to put handcuffs on him, but suddenly he manages to escape from their grasps, like a little thief! One of the clones accidentially grabs him by his beard... pulling it off, including hair on his head. Now-bald Lucas screams "Eeek!" with a voice like a castrate, shocked to loose his wig.
- I knew it was fake, sarge - says the trooper.
- Whatever. Get him on the board.
Soldiers are taking protesting Lucas on the gunboat. With his fading screams "...but I'm an American citizeeen!..." the ship flies away to unknown destination...



At last, justice!
I saw the original theatrical release of the Old Trilogy on the big screen and I'm proud of it...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
Author
Time
Post link
Originally posted by: ricarleite
OK, how about THIS one:

Yoda: No! Try not! Do! Or do not! There is no try...

Luke: Only a sith deals in absolutes. I'll do what I must. *lights up lightsaber, decapitates Yoda*
Nice. Boy the PT was lame.

War does not make one great.

Author
Time
Post link
Only a sith deals with absolutes, eh? Yeah, I'll buy that. Absulut Jedi.

http://www.iconocast.com/img/absolut.png
"I am altering the movies. Pray I don't alter them any further." -Darth Lucas
Author
Time
Post link
Yoda: it is the future you see
Luke: will they die?
Yoda: difficult to see, always in motion the OT is.
Yoda: Luke, you must complete the training. You must not go.
Luke: But Han and Leia will die if I don't
Ben: you don't know that. Not even Yoda can see what George Lucas will do to the OT next.
Yoda: yes, to Obi-wan you listen
*based on the definition of medichlorians in TPM*

Ben: when I first met your father, he was already an incredible pilot, but I was amazed at how strong he was with the force.
Luke: the force?
Ben: yes, you see the force is the blood condition that gives a jedi his power.

DARTH VADER and OBI-WAN KENOBI meet again on the Death Star.

VADER:
"Obi-Wan...or should I call you Ben..we meet again at last."

OBI-WAN:
"Yeah cool name isn't it. I came up with it while watching you during the pod race. I had snuck in behind the crowd, and I saw this very interestingly designed alien called Ben Quadrinaros, and I thought, cool name, I can use that if I ever need to go in hiding."

VADER:
"Uh..the circle is now complete.."

OBI-WAN:
"Circle?"

STORMTROOPER passing by:
"Complete?"

VADER:
"When I left I was but the learner..."

OBI-WAN:
"You were a Jedi Knight, you were actually this close to becoming a..."

VADER:
"Now I am the master."

OBI-WAN:
"Still only a master of whining and daydreams, Darth."

VADER:
"I hate you!! I am going to kill you now."

OBI-WAN:
"I remember you saying the Jedi are evil?"

VADER:
"Yes?"

OBI-WAN:
"If you strike me down, YOU are evil!"

VADER:
"No you are evil!"

OBI-WAN:
"No, you are evil."

VADER:
"This reminds me of the epic dialogue between Master Sidious and the legendary Mace Windu."

OBI-WAN:
"Everything was so much better back then, before the dark times. We could hang around in our chairs all day. You condemned me to twenty years in the desert!"

VADER:
"I hope the sand got everywhere!"

OBI-WAN:
"How could I ever consider you a friend."

VADER:
"How could I ever consider YOU a friend!"

OBI-WAN:
"Here we go again.."

The two begin to fight.

VADER:
"Your powers are weak, old man."

OBI-WAN:
"Which is weird considering the most powerful Jedi and Sith in the saga are OLD. I knew I should have spent more time training my body and not listen to Yoda's advice."

VADER:
"Yoda? Is he still alive? Master Sidious says he's dead! He even showed me his cloak!"

OBI-WAN:
"You will find out that many of the cloaks we cling to are without corpses in it, Darth."

VADER:
"So what advice did he give you? If I may ask before slaying you?"

OBI-WAN:
"Remember good ol' Qui Gon?"

VADER:
"Sure do, he was much nicer to me than you ever were."

OBI-WAN:
"Well he returned from the grave and told me that when I die I can respawn somewhere else."

VADER:
"Hey this isn't a video game."

OBI-WAN:
"Don't be too sure..many consider our adventures more video game now, than film. Anyway, if you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."

VADER:
"Well you KNOW how much power I can imagine, so I guess you're going to be AWESOMELY powerful."

OBI-WAN:
"According to Qui-Gon, I will be able to TALK to people and come with advice that doesn't make sense!"

VADER:
"I think I will just cut you down now."

SLASH!

VADER steps on Obi-Wan's cloak.

VADER:
"No corpse!"

*squish*

VADER:
"Oh, there is. Now my boots aren't that shiny anymore."

(looks around)

VADER:
"Why is there never a clone around when you need one?"

A small hologram of DARTH SIDIOUS appears out of Vader's wrist-watch.

SIDIOUS:
"Lord Vader, is Obi-Wan dead?"

VADER:
"Yes, my master."

SIDIOUS:
"Good, now execute Order 149."

VADER:
"Burger and fries AGAIN?"

SIDIOUS:
"Yes...yes..."

<span class=“Italics”>MeBeJedi: Sadly, I believe the prequels are beyond repair.
<span class=“Bold”>JediRandy: They’re certainly beyond any repair you’re capable of making.</span></span>

<span class=“Italics”>MeBeJedi: You aren’t one of us.
<span class=“Bold”>Go-Mer-Tonic: I can’t say I find that very disappointing.</span></span>

<span class=“Italics”>JediRandy: I won’t suck as much as a fan edit.</span>

Author
Time
Post link
"Master Yoda you can't die..."
"Strong I am with the force. But not that strong..."
"No, I mean... uh... aren't you going to tell me a bit... more?"
"More, you say?"
"... mnnnyeaah, I mean, uh... Why did Obi-Wan disapear when Vader killed him? How can I do that too?"
"Ah... Teach him to disapear, Qui-Gon did."
"Qui-Gon? What the hell is a Qui-Gon?"
"Qui-Gon Jin was his former master, not me. By Darth Maul, killed he was."
"Darth who? Don't you mean Darth Vader?"
"No, Darth Maul... Aprentice of Darth Sidious he was... A Sith Lord he is..."
"Sith? What? No, no, wait, wait, why didn't ANYONE tell me these things?"
"Much to learn about your past... you have... Watch these you must..." *gives Luke the prequels DVDs*
"What are these Master Yoda?"
"Memories of the past... Shameful things... We are trying to forget..."
"Oh I see. Uh... One last question. Is Darth Vader my father?"
"... your father he is. And... There is another Skywalker..."
"You mean... Leia?"
"Not only her... Anakin Skywalker was your father... And creating you and Leia he did..."
"Yes..."
"But another being he created... C3PO!"
"What?!"
"Search your feelings, Luke. You know it to be true... You and C3PO... are technically brothers..."
"Nooooo!! It can't be!! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!"
"Now... to die, I must... Become CGI I will..." *Yoda disapears, Frank Oz hand is visible under the bed, he quickly pulls it away*
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering