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Prequelize the OT

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To understand what this thread is about, I reference A Digital Man's "prequelized" treatment of the following scene in ROTJ:

Original Scene


LUKE: Your overconfidence is your weakness.

EMPEROR: Your faith in your friends is yours.


A Digital Man, channelling George Lucas circa 2004:



"Luke, you are destined to join the dark side of the force and become a Sith like your father became a Sith before you. Only together can we discover the mystery of how to bring your mother back to life. But to do that you must first kill your father, just as he killed children in order to become strong in the Force. Only then will you be strong enough in the dark side to save your dead mother's life."

"I do not agree with the logic behind your statement, Your Highness. From my point of view that is an evil statement. Soon I will be dead and you will also be dead, and my father will also be dead. You both will be dead along with me. We all will be dead together. Your overconfidence in your plan to lure me to the dark side and have me kill my father to take his place because of the psychological issues with me not knowing my parents growing up while you have had a vision of the future, which is always in motion anyway, is your weakness."

"Your faith in the good side of the Force, and that it will not only protect you but also your friends as they execute their battle plans on the moon below us is yours."


Now that we have context, feel free to use this thread to prequelize the OT! Spare no words! Make GL proud!

LUKE: "The Force"? You mentioned something called "The Force" - since you also mentioned that you used to be a Jedi Knight, as my father, whom I have never met, though I wish I had, also once was - in connection with your fomer status as a Jedi Knight, it would then seem that a Jedi Knight, which you and my father once were, has knowledge of this "Force". I would know more of this "Force" you speak of, Ben.

OBI-WAN: The Force is what gives a Jedi his power. When your father and I were Jedi together, we relied on the Force to give us power - as did all the other Jedi. The Force is an energy field, created by all living things, related in some indeterminate way to microorganisms called midichlorians. The Force surrounds us, penetrates us, and binds the galaxy together - and when I say "us", I refer not only to you and I, but to all living things which create the Force.



LUKE: I've lost Artoo, my on-board astromech droid! A pursuing Imperial fighter was firing upon my X-Wing and struck Artoo - now it appears he's inoperative! If the pursuing Imperials strike a vital system on my X-Wing, I now have no way to repair it, thus making me more vulnerable to further attacks!

VADER: I have you now! Your ship has entered into the optimal zone of my targeting computer, which allows me to fire upon you with great accuracy. In just a matter of moments, I will have destroyed your ship, whoever you are! Wait a second, where are those blasts coming from? My wingman has just been destroyed...but all the other Rebel ships have been accounted for! I'm confused!

HAN: Yahoo! Wow! Yippee! No one thought I'd come back to help, as I had previously made it very clear to everyone involved in the Rebel Alliance that I am allied to money, not causes! I hope my hooting and hollering has strengthened your resolve, Luke! Now that my diversionary tactics have succeeded, fire your proton torpedoes upon the thermal exhaust port as mentioned in the tactical briefing by General Dodonna, and we can all return to a safe place - "home", if you will!

LUKE: (firing) This is tense!

TARKIN: (to no one in particular) In seconds, the Rebel Base will be destroyed! Ha ha haaaa!

 

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Han is about to go into Carbonite:

Leia: Han...............

Vader (steps in): Wait, is that C3PO on Chewbacca? Hey everyone, I built that guy, what did you guys do to him?

C3PO: It's the maker! How are you doing Ani?

Vader: Could be better, I am alittle burnt, and I am about to freeze my future son-in-law

Leia: Your freezing my boyfriend, you are about to fight my brother, and you choked my mom, you bastard!

Chewy: (Growls) I'll bring Yoda here, we have good relations!

Boba: (Jumps in the mix) These stormtroopers do not sound like me?

Han: Cause it is the OOT version, you weren't the clone template yet!

Vader: Put him in carbon freeze, and Boba, no one is interested about you pre-ESB!

Leia: Han......I love you!

Han: (He is about to say I know) when he has a change of heart, "You are in my very soul Leia, tormenting me, I can't breathe....."

C3PO: That is cause it is so damn cold in here, give me back to my rightful owner.
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Geez, this sounds more like the dub of Speed Racer than the prequels. ^_^

VADER: You are beaten and are at the mercy of the blade of my lightsaber that I now wield against you. Ha, haha! Resistance is futile! Do not make me kill you like Obi-Wan, the former mentor to both of us but who is now dead! Argh, you hurt my shoulder! Take this omnipotently powerful Sith move!
LUKE: Argh! Are you not aware that that was my hand you just sliced off with the blade of your lightsaber!
VADER: There is no way for you to escape... can you not see that we are hanging off a precipice at the edge of a seemingly bottomless pit? Any attempt at escape would seem suicidal! But to get more to the point, your importance is not to be underestimated. Your latent power is still lying dormant and latent inside of your very own body. Make yourself an apprentice to me! In fact, the Emperor, my dark lord and master who is also the ruler of the entire Empire, hence the title of Emperor, is afraid that you could bring about his untimely end. The power of the dark side, that being the dark side of the Force, is very powerful indeed. In fact, it is so powerful that I suddenly feel compelled to fill in the gaps of the mysterious disappearance of your mysterious father, a sequence of events previously described to you by our former mentor, Obi-Wan, who is now dead.
LUKE: Argh! Do not make it appear that I am ignorant. Our former mentor, Obi-Wan, who is now dead, told me all I needed to know about that story already! Cease your talking. I am already aware of the fact that my father is dead, and it is you who killed him because he is dead!
VADER: What a pitiful excuse for the truth, for that is not the truth but instead a lie. In fact, the very essence of fact for this particular debate is that you are my progeny. In other words, I am your paternal parent.
LUKE: Argh! What is this anguish I feel! These words you speak cannot be true or even possible. In fact, they negate every sense of truth and fact that I actually know. I am actually shaking with pain, rage, betrayal, and confusion. Why torment me with such emotions?

There is no lingerie in space…

C3PX said: Gaffer is like that hot girl in high school that you think you have a chance with even though she is way out of your league because she is sweet and not a stuck up bitch who pretends you don’t exist… then one day you spot her making out with some skinny twerp, only on second glance you realize it is the goth girl who always sits in the back of class; at that moment it dawns on you why she is never seen hanging off the arm of any of the jocks… and you realize, damn, she really is unobtainable after all. Not that that is going to stop you from dreaming… Only in this case, Gaffer is actually a guy.

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Originally posted by: CO
Han is about to go into Carbonite:

Leia: Han...............

Vader (steps in): Wait, is that C3PO on Chewbacca? Hey everyone, I built that guy, what did you guys do to him?

C3PO: It's the maker! How are you doing Ani?

Vader: Could be better, I am alittle burnt, and I am about to freeze my future son-in-law

Leia: Your freezing my boyfriend, you are about to fight my brother, and you choked my mom, you bastard!

Chewy: (Growls) I'll bring Yoda here, we have good relations!

Boba: (Jumps in the mix) These stormtroopers do not sound like me?

Han: Cause it is the OOT version, you weren't the clone template yet!

Vader: Put him in carbon freeze, and Boba, no one is interested about you pre-ESB!

Leia: Han......I love you!

Han: (He is about to say I know) when he has a change of heart, "You are in my very soul Leia, tormenting me, I can't breathe....."

C3PO: That is cause it is so damn cold in here, give me back to my rightful owner.


That was very funny!


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Great stuff, CO and Gaffer Tape. Keep 'em coming, everyone!

C3PO: Thank the Maker - this oil bath is going to feel soooooo good. Once it is complete, my sense of satisfaction will be great. Indeed, I will be much relieved whenever this bath is over. I've got such a bad case of dust contamination I can barely move. The sand on this planet is infiltrating every single one of my joints, thus inhibiting my movements. I don't like sand. It's rough, it's coarse, it's irritating - and it gets everywhere.

LUKE: It just isn't fair - in fact, it's unjust! Wrong, even! Gosh, not even playing with this model of an Incom T-65 Skyhopper is negating my restlessness and ennui! Aw, my old buddy Biggs, my good friend from way back who I'm sure I'll never see again, is right - 100% correct, not wrong in the least; I'm never going to get out of here - that is to say, leave Tattooine!

C3PO: Pardon my asking, do forgive my impertinence, please permit me this intrusion, but is there anything I might do to help? Bear in mind that I am only a protocol droid with a limited function set, but perhaps your needs may be met by one of my primary functions?

LUKE: Well, not unless you alter time, speed up the harvest, teleport me off this rock, send me into the past, accelerate the vaporation process, break down my molecular structure into a transmittable beam of energy and directing it to Coruscant, distort the fabric of space thus allowing me free travel through history, transport me-

C3PO: I don't think so, sir. I apologize, for I can perform none of those tasks you mentioned. I am merely a protocol droid. I'm afraid I cannot do that. Not possible, unfortunately. No.

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EMPIRE (Hayden Christensen and Natalie Portman are cast as Han and Leia)


Han Decides to Leave:

Han: Good bye, m’lady. I expect I shall never see you again. (*walks away*).
Leia: Han Solo? Are you really going to leave? I cannot believe you would do that. It breaks my heart.
Han: I do not wish to sound crass, m’lady, but in my point of view, it would be very dangerous for me and my furry companion Chewbacca to remain here much longer. When we were on Ord Mantell, in the Outer Rim territories which has spice miners, I came into contact with a bounty hunter.
Leia: What?
Han: When I say bounty hunter, I mean a mercenary that tracks people down and either captures them or kills them…for a large sum. I’m sorry for the confusion, m’lady. The presence of the bounty hunter and the thought that he represents the looming threat of Jabba the Hutt causes me to have serious misgivings about staying with the Rebel Trade Alliance to which I have contributed over the last several time units.
Leia: We totally need you here, Han Solo.
Han: When you say “we,” are you merely referring to the Rebel Trade Alliance in which I have taken part, or are you referring to you yourself and only you? Please tell me; I’d die to know.
Leia: I don’t know what you’re talking about. And stop looking at me like that. It makes me feel uncomfortable.
Han: My heart is beating and my lips are parted, waiting for a sign, a kiss, something to show that you care. You are in my very soul…tormenting me. I shall do anything that you ask. Anything…
Leia: Then shut up! And stay here on Hoth.
Han: I’m sorry, m’lady. I will do whatever you say.
Leia: Anyway, I’d rather kiss a Wookie.
Han: I wish that I could just wish away my feelings! But I can’t! (*cries*)


Luke meets Yoda:

Luke: I don’t know. I feel like…
Yoda: Feel like what!?

(*Luke turns around and is confronted by a small CG creature holding a lightsaber*).
Yoda: Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! (*bounces forward and swings at Luke*)


The asteroid scene:

Han: Oh, no! Those are asteroids! Blast! I hate flying! I’ll go in anyway.
C3PO: But sir! This was already done in one of the prequels!
Han: Shut him up or shut him down or turn him off.
(*approaches the asteroids*)
C3PO: This is suicide!
Leia: You don’t have to do this to impress me.
Han: Really?
(*Flies out of the asteroid field*)


The confrontation:

Vader: The Force is with you, boy. But you are not a Jedi yet. Nor shall you ever be. My midichlorian count is higher than yours and I will dominate.
Luke: You’ll find I’m full of surprises.
Vader: I have more surprises. I’ll tell you in the next scene in case you haven’t seen the prequels yet.
Luke: I believe you are wrong.
Vader: Yes, but I believe you to be wrong.
Luke: OK. In my point of view, you are wrong.
Vader: There is no such thing as point of view. You shall see things my way.
Luke: Only a Sith lord like yourself deals in absolutes. That being said, you are pure evil and you must die.
Vader: Let this contest be decided by our skill with a lightsaber, then.
Luke: You turn yours on first.
Vader: No, you turn yours on first, boy.
Luke: All right, then. We shall stand back to back and take ten paces, at which point we shall turn around, simultaneously ignite our sabers, and begin the duel.
Vader: I do not think this is a good idea.
(*scene drags on for five minutes*)
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Better yet…

OOT Han Solo meets PT Natalie Portman (playing Leia)


Leia: Han Solo? Are you really going to leave? I cannot believe you would do that. It breaks my heart.
Han: Yeah, that bounty hunter we ran into on Ord Mantell changed my mind.
Leia: What?
Han: (ignores her)
Leia: We totally need you here, Han Solo.
Han: We need? What about you?
Leia: I don’t know what you’re talking about. And stop looking at me like that. It makes me feel uncomfortable.
Han: What kind of crap is that? I take orders from one person. Me.
Leia: I’ve HAD IT! This is so seventies. I quit this movie.
Han: Go kiss a Wookie.
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In ESB once Luke discovers who Yoda really is:

Yoda: You see, Luke, all about Chewbacca I know. Good friends we were, before you met him...very good friends indeed.

In ESB while Luke is training:

Yoda: The Force, magical it is not. Rather, it is these tiny organisms...


In ROTJ:

Luke: Is Darth Vader my father?

Yoda: Your father he once was. But once he became Darth Vader, he separated himself from himself he did. Okay, confusing it sounds so let me explain: if he were to die today and still be bad, he will appear as he does now. But if he were to die good again, he would appear as he did BEFORE Darth Vader he became.

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(Luke burns Darth Vader in a bonfire at the end of ROTJ, and then fireworks go off)

(Weird symphonic music starts playing and we go to Naboo where Jar Jar Binks says, "Weesa free!), then they go to Bespin, Coruscant, and Tattooine where the crowds are cheering!)

(Then Luke meets up with Leia and Han and all the rebels with the Ewoks, and looks out at 3 force ghosts: ObiWan Kenobi played by Alec Guiness, Yoda, and.........Hayden Christenson? That's right a 20 year old Anakin! stares at Luke like he wants to murder him!)

Oh wait..... Lucas already Prequelized the ending of ROTJ! Sorry, I thought I was being original, trying to be so over the top with a PT actor actually replacing an OT actor and Jar Jar Binks in ROTJ too!
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LOL, the prequels really WERE talky!!!

Originally posted by: vote_for_palpatine
To understand what this thread is about, I reference A Digital Man's "prequelized" treatment of the following scene in ROTJ:

Original Scene

LUKE: Your overconfidence is your weakness.

EMPEROR: Your faith in your friends is yours.

A Digital Man, channelling George Lucas circa 2004:

"Luke, you are destined to join the dark side of the force and become a Sith like your father became a Sith before you. Only together can we discover the mystery of how to bring your mother back to life. But to do that you must first kill your father, just as he killed children in order to become strong in the Force. Only then will you be strong enough in the dark side to save your dead mother's life."

"I do not agree with the logic behind your statement, Your Highness. From my point of view that is an evil statement. Soon I will be dead and you will also be dead, and my father will also be dead. You both will be dead along with me. We all will be dead together. Your overconfidence in your plan to lure me to the dark side and have me kill my father to take his place because of the psychological issues with me not knowing my parents growing up while you have had a vision of the future, which is always in motion anyway, is your weakness."

"Your faith in the good side of the Force, and that it will not only protect you but also your friends as they execute their battle plans on the moon below us is yours."

Now that we have context, feel free to use this thread to prequelize the OT! Spare no words! Make GL proud!

LUKE: "The Force"? You mentioned something called "The Force" - since you also mentioned that you used to be a Jedi Knight, as my father, whom I have never met, though I wish I had, also once was - in connection with your fomer status as a Jedi Knight, it would then seem that a Jedi Knight, which you and my father once were, has knowledge of this "Force". I would know more of this "Force" you speak of, Ben.

OBI-WAN: The Force is what gives a Jedi his power. When your father and I were Jedi together, we relied on the Force to give us power - as did all the other Jedi. The Force is an energy field, created by all living things, related in some indeterminate way to microorganisms called midichlorians. The Force surrounds us, penetrates us, and binds the galaxy together - and when I say "us", I refer not only to you and I, but to all living things which create the Force.


LUKE: I've lost Artoo, my on-board astromech droid! A pursuing Imperial fighter was firing upon my X-Wing and struck Artoo - now it appears he's inoperative! If the pursuing Imperials strike a vital system on my X-Wing, I now have no way to repair it, thus making me more vulnerable to further attacks!

VADER: I have you now! Your ship has entered into the optimal zone of my targeting computer, which allows me to fire upon you with great accuracy. In just a matter of moments, I will have destroyed your ship, whoever you are! Wait a second, where are those blasts coming from? My wingman has just been destroyed...but all the other Rebel ships have been accounted for! I'm confused!

HAN: Yahoo! Wow! Yippee! No one thought I'd come back to help, as I had previously made it very clear to everyone involved in the Rebel Alliance that I am allied to money, not causes! I hope my hooting and hollering has strengthened your resolve, Luke! Now that my diversionary tactics have succeeded, fire your proton torpedoes upon the thermal exhaust port as mentioned in the tactical briefing by General Dodonna, and we can all return to a safe place - "home", if you will!

LUKE: (firing) This is tense!

TARKIN: (to no one in particular) In seconds, the Rebel Base will be destroyed! Ha ha haaaa!


George Lucas was seduced by the dark side. The OOT ceased to exist in his mind and became the Special Editions...." "They're more maching now than movies. Twisted and evil."
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some more....

Star Wars ("A NEW HOPE")

Vader: I've been waiting for you my former master. Seeing you in person has brought back painful memories of your betrayal. How could you leave me out there on Mustafar?

They start fighting.....

Obiwan: Well, my former apprentice, you were trying to kill me. Yoda and I had decided that the Sith must be destroyed. You were a Sith, hence with much reluctance, I left you out there to burn into hot ash. I must say, I never expected you to survive.

(Meanwhile, the Obiwan/Anakin duel music from RoTS starts booming in the background)

Vader: I told you not to underestimate my powers! Now you're just a brittle old man and I am the master.

Obiwan: Only a master of eville Darth.

Vader: From my point of view the Jedi are evil!

Obiwan: Spare me your twisted logic, ANI.

Vader: Don't call me that!

Obiwan: Ah yes, that's right, Lord VADER.

Vader: Your midicholorian count is weak old man.

Obiwan: You can't win. If you strike me down, I will live on as a spirit in the force and guide along my newest apprentice, whose name I cannot reveal at this point. But if I kill you, you will not continue to live as a Sith spirit. See, the Emperor didn't tell you that Jedi could do that. Jedi can live forever. Sith cannot!

Vader: You LIAR!

Obiwan: Me a liar? How about the Emperor? He promised you that you could save Padme from dying. Did it happen? Did it? Huh? I WATCHED her die of a broken heart. And it was all because of YOU!!!!!!!!!

Vader: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Luke comes running.

Luke: Ben?

Obiwan raises his lighsaber and Vader kills him.

Luke: NOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Vader: That kid sounds like me. I wonder who he is.
George Lucas was seduced by the dark side. The OOT ceased to exist in his mind and became the Special Editions...." "They're more maching now than movies. Twisted and evil."
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Leia: Hold Me. , like you did on the falcon in the asteroid
Han: I've never liked asteroids....

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Luke: So what do you think of the Princess that we just rescued, Han? She seems sharpish and bossy but there is some strange connection I feel towards her. It could be easily mistaken for lust if you were to read my facial expressions alone, but hopefully this dialogue will help to clarify that it is more on a platonic level, like a brother might have for his sister.

Han: I am trying not to think about her any more than is absolutely necessary. But then again, if I analyze my feelings more ... I do not know ... What do you think, Luke? Do you think it is possible for a princess of one of the royal houses of the core systems (which, incidentally, is no more, since the planet was destroyed, leaving her, what? A queen? Anyway I digress) Is it possible for somebody of noble blood to have a meaningful relationship with a mercenary who loves money more than people, who gambles, who runs illegal spice trading, who has a price on his head, and who has a crappy ship like me?

Luke: Nooooooooooooooooooo!
I am fluent in over six million forms of procrastination.
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Imperial Officer: Oddball, why aren't you at your post? Sillyhappygoofyname, do you copy? Take over, that stormtrooper helmet apparently has a defective audio transmitter preventing me from making contact.

Imperial Officer 2: Roger, Roger!
I am fluent in over six million forms of procrastination.
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http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f37/MJR1980/untitled-2.jpg

END SCENE OF ROTJ: LUKE IS BURNING VADER’S ARMOR:

Obi Wan and Yoda appear as ghost.

Luke: Hey! My former masters are here! Yee pee!

Yoda: Arrived, we have… Bad at directions, Obi Wan is…

Obi Wan: Well, perhaps if I owned a good navigating droid to guide me to a random moon in the middle of the galaxy instead of being paired with a figment of bad CGI, we’d be here a lot sooner…

Yoda: But own a droid, you did. Lost in the atmosphere of Coruscant, it is.

Luke: Wait, you told me that you couldn’t recall ever owning a droid.

Obi Wan: Well, technically I never owned it. My friend, Dex, another bad CGI creation, let me borrow it. He was pissed when he found out about it being destroyed. The bastard never spoke to me again…It’s okay though, he smelled like boiled onions.

Luke: Why are you telling me this?

Yoda: A lot of things, he told you not. Drinking problem, he has…

Obi Wan: And you were the embodiment of honesty to Luke? Why did you attempt to make the Force seem as though it is a mysterious power? Didn’t you say, “Its energy surrounds us and binds us.” Why not mention midichlorians in that little speech?

Luke: Midi-what?

Yoda: Nothing, it is… Inebriated, he is.

Odd silence ensues as the flames grow higher.

Obi Wan: Ahh, Luke, I hope you don’t mind more intrusion on your teddy bear prom, but we have some company that came along with us.

Anakin appears as he looks in Episode III.

Luke: Wait, who’s this?

Anakin: I’m your father, Luke.

Luke: What the hell? I just saw you, and you were old, cracked, scared and had no damn eyebrows… Hell, you look younger than me!

Anakin: When one becomes one with the Force, they become smooth like the placid waters on Naboo. I am no longer rough and irritable like the sands of Tatooine…

Luke: Wait, you know Tatooine? Why didn’t I know that, Obi Wan?

Obi Wan: You’re uncle thought it best to make up stories about your real father, his step brother…

Luke: Step brother?

Anakin: Yeah, Owen was my step brother. Didn’t you ever see the grave of my mother outside the compound?

Luke: No… What graves? (Pauses, then) Wait a minute, if it was so important to hide me, why would you take me to the one place, let alone the one planet, he’d surely find me, Obi Wan?

Obi Wan: Oh, I’m just unoriginal.

Yoda: Morons, you all are.

Luke: (Puzzled) Well, thank you, Father, for your lightsaber. I’m sorry that it was lost on Bespin.

Anakin: I never gave you my lightsaber. Obi Wan took it from me as I was burning to a charred crisp on the volcanic planet of Mustafar.

All three look at Obi Wan in disgust and amazement.

Obi Wan: What? He was being an ass… Over ten years with that brat, and I can’t watch him burn?

Suddenly, Qui-Gon Jinn appears, and puts his hand around Anakin’s shoulder.

Luke: (Surprised) Who are you?!?!

Qui-Gon: I’m Qui-Gon Jinn, the one who discovered your father, and trained Obi-Wan…

Luke: (Looking at Obi-Wan) Trained? You said that Yoda trained you!

Obi-Wan: Technically, both did. Yoda trained me when I was a youngling-

Luke: (Interrupts) Youngling?

Yoda: Yes, youngling. Younglings, I like. Don’t interrupt again, or a bitch slap, you will receive.

Luke: Man, this is confusing…

Suddenly, Mace Windu appears.

Mace: Am I late? I want to see that bitch Anakin finally suffer!

All turn to Mace. He then realizes that Anakin is standing before him.

Mace: What?!?! That mother-f***** kills me, murders children, slaughters millions of people for years, and then has five minutes of redemption, and he is part of the Force? What the hell!

Luke: (Shaking his head) Who are you?

Mace: (Annoyed) Man, Obi-Wan and Yoda! You never told him about me? You bitches suck! (Mace faces Luke, while giving a menacing look.) Normally yo' ass would be dead as f***ing fried chicken right now, but you happen to pull this s*** while I'm in a transitional period and I don't want to kill you.
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You forgot to delete Alec Guinness and replace him with Ewan McGregor...
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Originally posted by: Vigo
You forgot to delete Alec Guinness and replace him with Ewan McGregor...


That will be in Special Edition Version #347.

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Originally posted by: MJR80
END SCENE OF ROTJ: LUKE IS BURNING VADER’S ARMOR:

Obi Wan and Yoda appear as ghost.

Luke: Hey! My former masters are here! Yee pee!

Yoda: Arrived, we have… Bad at directions, Obi Wan is…

Obi Wan: Well, perhaps if I owned a good navigating droid to guide me to a random moon in the middle of the galaxy instead of being paired with a figment of bad CGI, we’d be here a lot sooner…

Yoda: But own a droid, you did. Lost in the atmosphere of Coruscant, it is.

Luke: Wait, you told me that you couldn’t recall ever owning a droid.

Obi Wan: Well, technically I never owned it. My friend, Dex, another bad CGI creation, let me borrow it. He was pissed when he found out about it being destroyed. The bastard never spoke to me again…It’s okay though, he smelled like boiled onions.

Luke: Why are you telling me this?

Yoda: A lot of things, he told you not. Drinking problem, he has…

Obi Wan: And you were the embodiment of honesty to Luke? Why did you attempt to make the Force seem as though it is a mysterious power? Didn’t you say, “Its energy surrounds us and binds us.” Why not mention midichlorians in that little speech?

Luke: Midi-what?

Yoda: Nothing, it is… Inebriated, he is.

Odd silence ensues as the flames grow higher.

Obi Wan: Ahh, Luke, I hope you don’t mind more intrusion on your teddy bear prom, but we have some company that came along with us.

Anakin appears as he looks in Episode III.

Luke: Wait, who’s this?

Anakin: I’m your father, Luke.

Luke: What the hell? I just saw you, and you were old, cracked, scared and had no damn eyebrows… Hell, you look younger than me!

Anakin: When one becomes one with the Force, they become smooth like the placid waters on Naboo. I am no longer rough and irritable like the sands of Tatooine…

Luke: Wait, you know Tatooine? Why didn’t I know that, Obi Wan?

Obi Wan: You’re uncle thought it best to make up stories about your real father, his step brother…

Luke: Step brother?

Anakin: Yeah, Owen was my step brother. Didn’t you ever see the grave of my mother outside the compound?

Luke: No… What graves? (Pauses, then) Wait a minute, if it was so important to hide me, why would you take me to the one place, let alone the one planet, he’d surely find me, Obi Wan?

Obi Wan: Oh, I’m just unoriginal.

Yoda: Morons, you all are.

Luke: (Puzzled) Well, thank you, Father, for your lightsaber. I’m sorry that it was lost on Bespin.

Anakin: I never gave you my lightsaber. Obi Wan took it from me as I was burning to a charred crisp on the volcanic planet of Mustafar.

All three look at Obi Wan in disgust and amazement.

Obi Wan: What? He was being an ass… Over ten years with that brat, and I can’t watch him burn?

Suddenly, Qui-Gon Jinn appears, and puts his hand around Anakin’s shoulder.

Luke: (Surprised) Who are you?!?!

Qui-Gon: I’m Qui-Gon Jinn, the one who discovered your father, and trained Obi-Wan…

Luke: (Looking at Obi-Wan) Trained? You said that Yoda trained you!

Obi-Wan: Technically, both did. Yoda trained me when I was a youngling-

Luke: (Interrupts) Youngling?

Yoda: Yes, youngling. Younglings, I like. Don’t interrupt again, or a bitch slap, you will receive.

Luke: Man, this is confusing…

Suddenly, Mace Windu appears.

Mace: Am I late? I want to see that bitch Anakin finally suffer!

All turn to Mace. He then realizes that Anakin is standing before him.

Mace: What?!?! That mother-f***** kills me, murders children, slaughters millions of people for years, and then has five minutes of redemption, and he is part of the Force? What the hell!

Luke: (Shaking his head) Who are you?

Mace: (Annoyed) Man, Obi-Wan and Yoda! You never told him about me? You bitches suck! (Mace faces Luke, while giving a menacing look.) Normally yo' ass would be dead as f***ing fried chicken right now, but you happen to pull this s*** while I'm in a transitional period and I don't want to kill you.


lol, that might be the funniest one yet! Though Davis' stuff was fantastic and everybody's material has at least been hilarious.

My stab:

Ben: That cannot be a moon; my senses are telling me that it is a space station and that we are all in great peril if we do not flee immediately.

Han: Your powers amaze and confound me, master jedi, and though I do not know how your powers work, I will assume that what you say is correct, just to be on the safe side. Chewbacca, prepare to turn us around!

:: our heroes escape and never join the rebellion since it is blown to pieces a few days later ::

"Now all Lucas has to do is make a cgi version of himself.  It will be better than the original and fit his original vision." - skyjedi2005

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Originally posted by: MJR80
Luke: No… What graves? (Pauses, then) Wait a minute, if it was so important to hide me, why would you take me to the one place, let alone the one planet, he’d surely find me, Obi Wan?

Obi Wan: Oh, I’m just unoriginal.

Yoda: Morons, you all are.

Obi Wan: It was your idea, Muppethead. Bail Organa only wanted the girl but you said to take the boy to his family on Tatooine.

Anakin: From my point of view you are ALL morons.
I am fluent in over six million forms of procrastination.
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I normally eschew cross-posting, but this one merits it, and I'm embellishing what I put in the other thread in the interest of originality ...

Imagine the completed scene with Luke, Biggs and Red Leader, with Red Leader being a youngling who escaped Anakin's wrath:
Biggs: "Sir, Luke is the best bush pilot in the outer rim."
Red Leader: "Skywalker? I knew your father when I was a boy. Real asshole. Killed all my classmates. Good pilot though ... If you're half the man he was ... well, come to think of it, HE is half the man he was. I'll explain after we blow up the Death Star and kill Vader. Meanwhile, don't worry. You'll do well."

Or maybe Red Leader had nothing to do with the Jedi OR the Old Republic. Maybe he was that red-headed kid on Tatooine:
Biggs: "Sir, Luke is the best bush pilot in the outer rim."
Red Leader: "Skywalker? I knew your father when I was a boy. Punk-ass kid weaseled out of slavery piloting a Pod stolen from his own owner. Left all the rest of us and his own mom on that sweltering sand pit while he went off to be a Jedi. Don't worry. You'll do well. Now, let's go play ball."
Luke: Wait, you're from Tatooine too?
Red Leader: Uh, yeah. We're all from Tatooine ... mostly.
Luke: And he went with Obi-Wan when he was only a kid?
Red Leader: Who the heck is Obi-Wan? He went off with some mullethead Jedi named Qui-Gon who conned his slaveowner.
Luke: I'm so confused.
C-3PO: Hey, that's my line.
I am fluent in over six million forms of procrastination.
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Originally posted by: ADigitalMan
Originally posted by: MJR80
Luke: No… What graves? (Pauses, then) Wait a minute, if it was so important to hide me, why would you take me to the one place, let alone the one planet, he’d surely find me, Obi Wan?

Obi Wan: Oh, I’m just unoriginal.

Yoda: Morons, you all are.

Obi Wan: It was your idea, Muppethead. Bail Organa only wanted the girl but you said to take the boy to his family on Tatooine.

Anakin: From my point of view you are ALL morons.


That's a good revisal... I wish I had thought of those lines!

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Han and Chewie make their entrance. The Wookiee growls a greeting.

HAN: How are you feeling, you padawan wannabe? You don't look so bad to me. In fact, you look strong enough to pull the ears off a Gungan. Assuming the Gungan shoots first, that is.

LUKE: I'd like to try that sometime. Thanks for getting me out of that blizzard. The snow is cold and white, unless color-correction filtering makes it blue; and it gets everywhere. I hate it.

HAN: That's two you owe me, junior. At this rate, you will owe me a life debt, similiar to the ones the Wookiees practice on their home world of Kashyyyk when it was saved in the Clone Wars.

Han turns as Leia enters the room. He looks at her with a big, devilish grin.

LEIA: Don't look at me like that!

HAN: Of course, your highness. My feelings for you make me want to do forbidden things.

Han decides to change the subject.

HAN: It looks like we get to be together longer since the energy shield will be activated.

LEIA: (haughtily) I had nothing to do with it. General Rieekan thinks it's dangerous for any ships to leave the system until we've activated the energy shield. It is all his fault!

HAN: That's a good story. I think you just can't bear to let a unshaven smuggler like me out of your sight, even though I am not enlisted with your forces. Your feeling for me compel you to want me near you, even though it jeopardizes your career in the senate.

LEIA: You need to stop talking such nonsense. You refer to things that can never happen.

Chewie is amused; he laughs in his manner.

CHEWIE: Youssa all kwazy!!

HAN: Why are you laughing at me. That hurts my feelings. But you didn't see Leia and I alone in the south passage.

Luke sparks to this; he looks at Leia.

HAN: She expressed her true feelings for me. We love each other inspite of our forbidden love.

Leia is flushed, eyes darting between Luke and Han.

LEIA: NOOOOOO!!!!!!!! Han, we can't! I'm a senator and you are a scruffy looking nerf herder!

HAN: Who's scruffy looking?! (to Luke) Too bad that love is forbidden in the Jedi Code, huh, kid?

Leia looks vulnerable for a moment, then the mask falls again, and she focuses on Luke.

LEIA: Even though Luke is just a padawan learner?

With that she leans over and kisses Luke on the lips. Then she turns on her heel and walks out, leaving everyone in the room slightly dumbstruck. With some smugness, Luke puts his hands behind his head and grins, although he feels like his love is also forbidden.

HAN: That makes me angry, even though I know better than this!

LUKE: You are only human, Han.

Han sits in the center of the floor and sobs.
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Originally posted by: Sluggo


CHEWIE: Youssa all kwazy!!