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Life Advice Thread

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I usually stay away from talking about personal issues. Something has been on my mind awhile and I don’t know how to handle it. That is the genesis for this thread and I hope it is useful as you face choices and need some independent advice.

The blue elephant in the room.

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This past year I did one of those DNA tests to see what it said about my ancestry. I was surprised by what it said about half of my ancestry. Then I clicked a link to show “DNA matches” and was greeted at the top of the page with “[Luke], [-----] is your father.”

I didn’t know the name. I didn’t know the site could even tell me such a thing.

One time, a few years ago, I met a guy who I believed to be my father. So there are no hurt feelings for me on that point.

I confirmed the DNA result with my mother - who long thought it possible (you don’t say!). But he had no knowledge of me, given the circumstances. I could see he later married and has a family of his own.

I messaged him on the site, knowing he could also see the DNA match on his page if he looked. I said I know it must be a shock for him and I would leave it up to him what to do next. I sort of expected/hoped for a response but nothing after more than 6 months.

Even though he did nothing wrong, having a son show up out of nowhere could be disruptive. I want to be sensitive to his situation but I want to know about him, the family he came from. I’m afraid of total rejection. I get tempted to contact him again and then I don’t know what to write.

Any ideas?

The blue elephant in the room.

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I wish I could help, and I’m sure I’m not the only one, but this situation is far beyond anything I can help with. All I can do is wish you luck and hope things get better. Whether that means he talks to you or you can eventually let him go, only time can tell.

“After a time, you may find that having, is not so pleasing a thing after all, as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true.” - Spock

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Yes I agree, this situation far beyond my abilities to give advice about. Sorry. I do hope he changes his mind and contacts you and you can learn more about him.


E!-A!-G!-L!-E!-S! EAGLES!!!
SUPERBOWL CHAMPS!!!

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I do not know and can never know how you feel, Mrebo. And unfortunately I don’t have any advice for you, I am truly sorry. I’m just coming here to say that really, if you want to talk to someone I am here and would be glad to help you with anything that you could need that’d be within my reach.

Again, I’m so so sorry.

you guys did it! thank you guys so much! 😄

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A lot of help you lot are! Just kidding and thank you for the kind sentiments. I just need to satisfy that…curiosity? I don’t know what I would be thinking if I were in his shoes. I don’t expect to forge a relationship really, although this came to mind after I found out. That would have been a nice reaction is all I’m saying.

The blue elephant in the room.

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Damn you made my eyes wet by simply linking the video, and all I know from you is that you’re one of the TLJ thread guys, because I’m new here. Now I want to hug you.

you guys did it! thank you guys so much! 😄

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Speaking as an '80’s kid who had no contact with my dad, I can tell probably the most important thing to keep in mind is that his decision to not be a part of your life is not your fault and is no reflection on who you are or you value as a person. If I could go back and tell my 10 year old self one thing, it would be that it wasn’t my fault; I spent too many years blaming myself for something that I had no control over. My father chose not to be in my life, for what ever reason, but it wasn’t my fault and if for some reason if your dad makes that same unfortunate choice, that is also not your fault.

As far as what to do next, that is really up to you, but if you choose to contact him again, managing your expectations will be key to mitigating any disappointment you will feel if he does not respond. It will be hard, but if you really want to explore that relationship, then that would be the next logical step…a message/email telling him how you feel and, as you have shared here, how you do not wish to be a disruption to his life. And then brace yourself for the reaction/response as best as you can, even if it is no response at all. Can you verify/see if he has read the message that you sent originally, like with FB Messenger? I don’t know how the site works, but if he doesn’t frequent the site, is it possible he missed the message?

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Thank you Collipso :}

And good thoughts one69chev. Can’t be 100% sure he saw it, although the site would indicate new mail and they would email him that he has a message. I tell myself it’s funny that I care. I don’t really know what I expect but I have this need to know. I could find an alternative means of messaging him, but seems most proper to go through the site.

The blue elephant in the room.

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Is there anything like the “Last activity” thing we have here in OT.com in the site?

you guys did it! thank you guys so much! 😄

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Yeah, don’t get your expectations too high.
I had a similar situation. My parents got divorced when I was 6 years old. I lived with my father, since my mother had no interest in me (she was 19 when I was born, and it seems that she didn’t know that having a baby is a lot of work).I Had a rough time then, living with my father, his sister and her husband, abused by my cousin, then living with foster parents for two years (that was a great, finally a family that treated me well). During that time I had contact with my mother, but I can’t remember how often. Then my dad got married again and we moved together to a new home. I never had contact with my mother until I was 19 or 20. Then one day she wrote a letter. I carried it around for about 2 weeks before I finally read it. It took me another two weeks to write an answer. After a hesitant start we called each other every week. I visited her twice in that time, one time we went out for lunch with her mother. All I remember is that my grandmother was all teared up when she saw me. I really can’t remember how I felt about that meeting. I tend to suppress stuff like that. A couple of months later my grandmother died. I didn’t know what to say to my mother, other than “I’m sorry”. I never built a relationship with that woman, so I never saw her as my grandmother.
My mother married her boyfriend and told me afterwards. I felt conflicted. It was okay for me that she got married, but I would liked to have known before she actually did it. Anyway, she called one day and told me she’d be on a vacation for a couple of weeks and would call when she’s back. That was about 15 years ago. Still no phone call.
I think she only contacted me to do her mother a favor. She had no real interest in me. And after all these years I really lost all interest in her.

I really, really hope that you will make a better experience than I did.

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It took me awhile to get the courage to contact the guy who I had previously believed to be my father. Then, like now, I wanted to know what I came from. I approached it as something of an intellectual exercise. Like you, TK-949, I tend to suppress what I feel. In our one meeting, that guy behaved rudely, which was in line with what I had been told, and I didn’t take it personally. We never communicated further, though he promised to send me genealogy information. It was an unfulfilling exercise and so it didn’t feel entirely settled.

What I have learned about my father indicates good qualities, which makes this in some ways scarier than before. Yet I don’t fully know what I hope for. I’m not very close with family and other people that I encounter now. I’m friendly, but not affectionate or effusive. And this here is the probably the most opening up I’ve done on this topic to anyone. To paraphrase Han and Collipso, I could probably use a good hug. Let’s say a metaphorical hug.

I can see that he has been on the site intermittently. I’m going to try to put the right words together.

The blue elephant in the room.