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Here are my pretentious reviews, originally intended for imdb. As it turns out I was too pretentious to even sign up there.

Godzilla (1998)

King of Monsters... EAT SOMEONE DAMMIT!

Awww... Godzilla doesn't wanna hurt anyone... he's so sweet. What a load of bollocks. This movie is okay, but I expect any giant lizard that takes up the mantle of Godzilla to be a frickin' badass. Godzilla is an allegorical monster that represents the evils of nuclear destruction... or so I'm told. Where is the wanton destruction, the atomic fire breathing, the picking up of trains and devouring of passengers within? Where is the terror? This dude just wants to eat fish and run away. The majority of destruction comes from the dumb-ass military that destroy their own city trying to shoot the creature; even Godzilla's rampage at the end is only in retaliation for the death of his offspring, giving the audience no reason to cheer for the death of this pathetic giant iguana. Worth watching if only for the reasonable CGI and the scene where Jean Reno pretends to be an American soldier. 5/10

The Birds (1963)

Suspense you say?

I like to pretend that Melanie gets away unseen after pranking Mitch in return for their initial meeting and has a good laugh about it back in Frisco, knowing she will run into him again - a delightful first act for an unfinished comedy. The rest of it has less suspense than just about any thriller I have ever seen. Disjointed sequences work to disorient the viewer but there is no dramatic progression that builds tension save the brief restaurant scene which is fairly ham-fisted. The only suspense in the cigarette smoking scene is "When will this horrible song end?" and the relationship between Melanie and Lydia is obviously supposed to involve tension but is never adequately explored or given spark. Reviewers saying that the movie holds up today are either squinting from behind rose-coloured glasses or have their film student hats on too tight. 5/10

Jaws (1975)

The most affective movie ever made.

The movie responsible for a pervading world-wide attitude to sharks that continues to this day. The horror of this movie is in the knowledge that for the most part, it is possible. Unlike Hitchcock's The Birds which is a fantastical idea, humans are attacked by great white sharks, which can grow to (within 6 feet or less) the size of Jaws' 25 foot monster. Expertly cut, with arguably the most identifiable and terror-inducing score ever conceived, Jaws is must-see. I have wondered if shark experts and conservationists Ron and Valerie Taylor would still have agreed to shoot the real shark footage had they known the resounding effect the movie would have on society's perceptions, and the number of great whites and other sharks that would be destroyed as a result for years to come. 9/10

Arachnophobia (1990)

A+ B-movie.

Arachnophobia is the best of its ilk. Although basically a formulaic creature feature, it is as much a tongue-in-cheek comedy and family romp suitable for most kids that are comfortable with Jurassic Park. It is not a horror movie that will traumatise you unless you have a serious fear of spiders. The movie injects some sense of reality by using spiders of ordinary size, which actually helps add to the fun. The cast is unremarkable, save the highlight of the film; John Goodman's exterminator, who at one point sounds suspiciously like he would rather be hunting gophers. Arachnophobia is definitely not to be taken seriously as a scary movie and it is not intended to be. It is however, an enjoyable and satisfying diversion. 7/10

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DrCrowTStarwars said:

darth_ender said:

I enjoyed your pretentious reviews.  Don't stop.  I think it's fun.  We're all aspiring for something greater.  No harm in getting some practice :)

 Yeah well said.  You can't get better at something without doing it badly. 

To really get good you have to dare to be stupid,that means you can't be afraid of looking foolish.

I for example make riffed videos on Youtube and write fanfiction that mostly sucks and I know it makes me look silly and most people don't care for it but I don't care because I am also getting practice and feedback on these things so little by little I am getting better.

I think internet critic SF Debris put it best when he said "The first thing you do in any creative field is going to suck" but that is no reason to stop doing it. 

I have found your reviews interesting and I think they are getting better so please don't give up.

 If anyone would publish my ass, I'd be there in a heartbeat, but print magazines are all dead, and the Internet is vast.

“What Orwell feared were those who would ban books. What Huxley feared was that there would be no reason to ban a book, for there would be no one who wanted to read one.”

Neil Postman, Amusing Ourselves to Death

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DrCrowTStarwars said:

I have yet to see a movie in IMAX since there are no theaters in my area but having seen it in 3D I have to say I assume it would look very impressive in that format.

It was the best cinema experience I've had in a long time. Not only watching a film on a massive screen, but the sound!! WOW so loud!!

And as it's so new in our multiplex, the seats are so comfy....nice soft leather ;) and positioned in a way that it doesn't matter who was in front as it didn't obstruct the view.....Can't wait to watch it again.....

Can't wait to watch Star Wars 7 in IMAX!!!

http://www.facebook.com/DirtyWookie

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Still if you enjoy it give it a shot,even if it is only on the internet.

There are people out there who started doing things online as a hobby but after a few years managed to make a living at it.

I say start a blog site or something and give it your best shot.

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I think 1998's Godzilla is meant to be more like King Kong.

Essentially the creature is a victim. It's biology has been screwed up by what mankind has done to the environment, it staggers around Manhattan in more in confusion than malice. Being shot at by little pink things (mostly) in metal flying things and then it's children are killed.

It's nowhere near as bad a film as it was made out to be.

It's certainly better than the Star Wars prequels and George's people went out of their way to mock the films lack of plot (irony of ironies).

I regard it as being almost as entertaining and less vom-inducing than Cloverfield.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t6Dp2OfIT_M

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THE CLIMAX

An old Boris Karloff picture very deserving of its reputation.

You've never heard of it? Exactly.

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The Cable Guy (1996) - An entertaining comedy. It's a bit tonally inconsistent (is it a light and wacky slapstick comedy? or a unnerving dark comedy?) and I wonder if they could have expanded upon the TV obsessed nature of the titular maniac (also, there seems to be a "society watches too much TV" message that was practically an afterthought), but Jim Carrey brings his A-game and is a delight to watch. B

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I was surprised to read that the film received fairly poor reviews when it was released, but Carrey's best movie? No way. The Truman Show, Man on the Moon, and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind are certainly his best.

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 (Edited)

Amazing Spider-man 2.

Nothing Amazing about it.

Joyless and even more mediocre than the last entry.

Jamie Foxx a good actor hammy and criminally underused, Emma Stone is barely in it. 

Not so special special effects, bad gimmicky 3-D web swinging.  Incompetent to barely there script and direction.

Even the cinematography which thankfully was shot on film   is just okay and not really mind blowing.  Expected more from Mindel.

The score or almost lack of one, very little to no orchestral score, was not very good, what little there was like the opening was adequate.

No real theme under scoring the hero or the villains.  Other than for rhino and that was pretty pathetic.

Worst part was the ending and the way they handled a pivotal moment in the comics and totally botched it.

Such a wasted opportunity if they only spent half the time and energy developing the story as they had the advertising.

2.5 stars.

“Always loved Vader’s wordless self sacrifice. Another shitty, clueless, revision like Greedo and young Anakin’s ghost. What a fucking shame.” -Simon Pegg.

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DominicCobb said:

And Then There Were None (1945) - I haven't posted my LMS in awhile, thought I'd pick it back up. Has anyone else seen this film? It is great. A

 The ONLY good version of Christie's best novel. And even it makes some changes.

From my own list, all star ratings out of 4 and "C" indicating all-time classic:

Moonrise Kingdom* (WTF?)

The Great Escape (Criterion LD 2nd issue corrected PCM mono)****

King Kong (Criterion CLV)****C

Patriot Games (DVD DTS)**

Clear and Present Danger (DVD DTS)**1/2

Batman (1989-June 23rd-25th anniversary, LD Dolby Stereo, CRT set extra dark to match prints)****

Robin and Marian**

The Sum of All Fears**1/2

Veronica Mars***

Son of Kong****

The Matrix (DVD)****

The Last Days of Pompeii (1935)***

Escape From New York (sporv preservation)***

Mighty Joe Young***1/2/****

Raiders of the Lost Ark (LD Dolby Stereo)****C

X-Men Days of Future Past**1/2

Broken Arrow (1950)***1/2

Goldfinger (Criterion print sourced banned CAV LD)****C

Garden State**1/2

The Good The Bad and the Ugly (1998 LD US cut)****C

Superman: The Movie (1978 theatrical LD WS with Dolby stereo original mix, CRT with black masking bars)****

Our Man in Havana****

A Few Good Men (LD Dolby Stereo)**1/2

Star Wars Episode I The Phantom Menace (Ady’s theatrical with LD 5.1 Dolby EX and masking bars)***

The Greatest Show on Earth 1/2 (TERRIBLE)

Attack of the Clones (DVD Dolby EX CRT with matte)**1/2

Holiday****C

Holiday (1938) is a forgotten classic and my favorite Grant-Hepburn vehicle.

VADER!? WHERE THE HELL IS MY MOCHA LATTE? -Palpy on a very bad day.
“George didn’t think there was any future in dead Han toys.”-Harrison Ford
YT channel:
https://www.youtube.com/c/DamnFoolIdealisticCrusader

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 (Edited)

doubleKO said:

Godzilla (1998)

King of Monsters... EAT SOMEONE DAMMIT!

Awww... Godzilla doesn't wanna hurt anyone... he's so sweet. What a load of bollocks. This movie is okay, but I expect any giant lizard that takes up the mantle of Godzilla to be a frickin' badass. Godzilla is an allegorical monster that represents the evils of nuclear destruction... or so I'm told. Where is the wanton destruction, the atomic fire breathing, the picking up of trains and devouring of passengers within? Where is the terror? This dude just wants to eat fish and run away. The majority of destruction comes from the dumb-ass military that destroy their own city trying to shoot the creature; even Godzilla's rampage at the end is only in retaliation for the death of his offspring, giving the audience no reason to cheer for the death of this pathetic giant iguana. Worth watching if only for the reasonable CGI and the scene where Jean Reno pretends to be an American soldier. 5/10relationship between Melanie and Lydia is obviously supposed to involve tension but is never adequately explored or given spark. Reviewers saying that the movie holds up today are either squinting from behind rose-coloured glasses or have their film student hats on too tight. 5/10

Whenever someone mentions Godzilla '98, I immediately think of Godzilla: The Series, the animated TV spinoff; it's far, far better than the lameass movie itself.

captainsolo said:

DominicCobb said:

And Then There Were None (1945) - I haven't posted my LMS in awhile, thought I'd pick it back up. Has anyone else seen this film? It is great. A

The ONLY good version of Christie's best novel. And even it makes some changes.

Are you saying you don't like the '60s version with the overbearing jazz score or the '80s version with Frank Stallone? ;-)

Divergent Universes
Dreams of a Randy Git-Fiend

Make Off Topic great again.

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Bingowings said:

I think 1998's Godzilla is meant to be more like King Kong.

Essentially the creature is a victim. It's biology has been screwed up by what mankind has done to the environment, it staggers around Manhattan in more in confusion than malice. Being shot at by little pink things (mostly) in metal flying things and then it's children are killed.

 GODZILLA (1998) is a remake of THE BEAST FROM 20,000 FATHOMS (1953) in all but name only.

After atomic testing, fishing boats mysteriously start to disappear and in a pattern that leads toward New York City.

Soon after a giant creature emerges on a Manhattan dock and proceeds to raise havoc and destruction as it wanders the streets.

The creature disappears and the army decides to lure it out by dumping an enormous pile of fish in the middle of the street. The lure works but they fail in their attempt to destroy the creature.

Later on the army is finally successful in killing the beast and it dies in a tangle of collapsing infrastructure.

Now, as an ode to the classic American monster movie I'm quite fond of it.

HOWEVER, as an american attempt on the Kaiju genre, let alone Godzilla, it's an abject failure.

originaltrilogy.com Moderator

Stepping softly in a danger zone…

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skyjedi2005 said:

Amazing Spider-man 2.

Nothing Amazing about it.

Joyless and even more mediocre than the last entry.

Jamie Foxx a good actor hammy and criminally underused, Emma Stone is barely in it. 

Not so special special effects, bad gimmicky 3-D web swinging.  Incompetent to barely there script and direction.

Even the cinematography which thankfully was shot on film   is just okay and not really mind blowing.  Expected more from Mindel.

The score or almost lack of one, very little to no orchestral score, was not very good, what little there was like the opening was adequate.

No real theme under scoring the hero or the villains.  Other than for rhino and that was pretty pathetic.

Worst part was the ending and the way they handled a pivotal moment in the comics and totally botched it.

Such a wasted opportunity if they only spent half the time and energy developing the story as they had the advertising.

2.5 stars.

 I don't think you like anything 

;)

http://www.facebook.com/DirtyWookie

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skyjedi2005 said:

Amazing Spider-man 2.

Nothing Amazing about it.

Joyless and even more mediocre than the last entry.

Jamie Foxx a good actor hammy and criminally underused, Emma Stone is barely in it. 

Not so special special effects, bad gimmicky 3-D web swinging.  Incompetent to barely there script and direction.

Even the cinematography which thankfully was shot on film   is just okay and not really mind blowing.  Expected more from Mindel.

The score or almost lack of one, very little to no orchestral score, was not very good, what little there was like the opening was adequate.

No real theme under scoring the hero or the villains.  Other than for rhino and that was pretty pathetic.

Worst part was the ending and the way they handled a pivotal moment in the comics and totally botched it.

Such a wasted opportunity if they only spent half the time and energy developing the story as they had the advertising.

2.5 stars.

 I agree totally, I've never felt so uncomfortable watching a movie, it was the worst superhero movie I've ever seen (next to Batman & Robin)

J

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Tobar said:

Bingowings said:

I think 1998's Godzilla is meant to be more like King Kong.

Essentially the creature is a victim. It's biology has been screwed up by what mankind has done to the environment, it staggers around Manhattan in more in confusion than malice. Being shot at by little pink things (mostly) in metal flying things and then it's children are killed.

 GODZILLA (1998) is a remake of THE BEAST FROM 20,000 FATHOMS (1953) in all but name only.

After atomic testing, fishing boats mysteriously start to disappear and in a pattern that leads toward New York City.

Soon after a giant creature emerges on a Manhattan dock and proceeds to raise havoc and destruction as it wanders the streets.

The creature disappears and the army decides to lure it out by dumping an enormous pile of fish in the middle of the street. The lure works but they fail in their attempt to destroy the creature.

Later on the army is finally successful in killing the beast and it dies in a tangle of collapsing infrastructure.

Now, as an ode to the classic American monster movie I'm quite fond of it.

HOWEVER, as an american attempt on the Kaiju genre, let alone Godzilla, it's an abject failure.

 Seems like a good time to mention this is happening in theaters on the 14th. ;)

http://www.rifftrax.com/godzilla

originaltrilogy.com Moderator

Where were you in '77?

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SilverWook said:

Tobar said:

Bingowings said:

I think 1998's Godzilla is meant to be more like King Kong.

Essentially the creature is a victim. It's biology has been screwed up by what mankind has done to the environment, it staggers around Manhattan in more in confusion than malice. Being shot at by little pink things (mostly) in metal flying things and then it's children are killed.

 GODZILLA (1998) is a remake of THE BEAST FROM 20,000 FATHOMS (1953) in all but name only.

After atomic testing, fishing boats mysteriously start to disappear and in a pattern that leads toward New York City.

Soon after a giant creature emerges on a Manhattan dock and proceeds to raise havoc and destruction as it wanders the streets.

The creature disappears and the army decides to lure it out by dumping an enormous pile of fish in the middle of the street. The lure works but they fail in their attempt to destroy the creature.

Later on the army is finally successful in killing the beast and it dies in a tangle of collapsing infrastructure.

Now, as an ode to the classic American monster movie I'm quite fond of it.

HOWEVER, as an american attempt on the Kaiju genre, let alone Godzilla, it's an abject failure.

 Seems like a good time to mention this is happening in theaters on the 14th. ;)

http://www.rifftrax.com/godzilla

 They showed a brief preview (test run?) during Sharknado live.  Looks fun, but I can't imagine it would be more fun than Sharknado.

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HotRod said:

skyjedi2005 said:

Amazing Spider-man 2.

Nothing Amazing about it.

Joyless and even more mediocre than the last entry.

Jamie Foxx a good actor hammy and criminally underused, Emma Stone is barely in it. 

Not so special special effects, bad gimmicky 3-D web swinging.  Incompetent to barely there script and direction.

Even the cinematography which thankfully was shot on film   is just okay and not really mind blowing.  Expected more from Mindel.

The score or almost lack of one, very little to no orchestral score, was not very good, what little there was like the opening was adequate.

No real theme under scoring the hero or the villains.  Other than for rhino and that was pretty pathetic.

Worst part was the ending and the way they handled a pivotal moment in the comics and totally botched it.

Such a wasted opportunity if they only spent half the time and energy developing the story as they had the advertising.

2.5 stars.

 I don't think you like anything 

;)

 Wink unnecessary.

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 (Edited)

DuracellEnergizer said:

The Cable Guy is grossly underrated.

 WRONG PICTURE THREAD

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 (Edited)

doubleKO said:

Here are my pretentious reviews, originally intended for imdb. As it turns out I was too pretentious to even sign up there.

Godzilla (1998)

King of Monsters... EAT SOMEONE DAMMIT!

Awww... Godzilla doesn't wanna hurt anyone... he's so sweet. What a load of bollocks. This movie is okay, but I expect any giant lizard that takes up the mantle of Godzilla to be a frickin' badass. Godzilla is an allegorical monster that represents the evils of nuclear destruction... or so I'm told. Where is the wanton destruction, the atomic fire breathing, the picking up of trains and devouring of passengers within? Where is the terror? This dude just wants to eat fish and run away. The majority of destruction comes from the dumb-ass military that destroy their own city trying to shoot the creature; even Godzilla's rampage at the end is only in retaliation for the death of his offspring, giving the audience no reason to cheer for the death of this pathetic giant iguana. Worth watching if only for the reasonable CGI and the scene where Jean Reno pretends to be an American soldier. 5/10

The Birds (1963)

Suspense you say?

I like to pretend that Melanie gets away unseen after pranking Mitch in return for their initial meeting and has a good laugh about it back in Frisco, knowing she will run into him again - a delightful first act for an unfinished comedy. The rest of it has less suspense than just about any thriller I have ever seen. Disjointed sequences work to disorient the viewer but there is no dramatic progression that builds tension save the brief restaurant scene which is fairly ham-fisted. The only suspense in the cigarette smoking scene is "When will this horrible song end?" and the relationship between Melanie and Lydia is obviously supposed to involve tension but is never adequately explored or given spark. Reviewers saying that the movie holds up today are either squinting from behind rose-coloured glasses or have their film student hats on too tight. 5/10

Jaws (1975)

The most affective movie ever made.

The movie responsible for a pervading world-wide attitude to sharks that continues to this day. The horror of this movie is in the knowledge that for the most part, it is possible. Unlike Hitchcock's The Birds which is a fantastical idea, humans are attacked by great white sharks, which can grow to (within 6 feet or less) the size of Jaws' 25 foot monster. Expertly cut, with arguably the most identifiable and terror-inducing score ever conceived, Jaws is must-see. I have wondered if shark experts and conservationists Ron and Valerie Taylor would still have agreed to shoot the real shark footage had they known the resounding effect the movie would have on society's perceptions, and the number of great whites and other sharks that would be destroyed as a result for years to come. 9/10

Arachnophobia (1990)

A+ B-movie.

Arachnophobia is the best of its ilk. Although basically a formulaic creature feature, it is as much a tongue-in-cheek comedy and family romp suitable for most kids that are comfortable with Jurassic Park. It is not a horror movie that will traumatise you unless you have a serious fear of spiders. The movie injects some sense of reality by using spiders of ordinary size, which actually helps add to the fun. The cast is unremarkable, save the highlight of the film; John Goodman's exterminator, who at one point sounds suspiciously like he would rather be hunting gophers. Arachnophobia is definitely not to be taken seriously as a scary movie and it is not intended to be. It is however, an enjoyable and satisfying diversion. 7/10

Too short to be pretentious.

REJECTED

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TV's Frink said:

SilverWook said:

Tobar said:

Bingowings said:

I think 1998's Godzilla is meant to be more like King Kong.

Essentially the creature is a victim. It's biology has been screwed up by what mankind has done to the environment, it staggers around Manhattan in more in confusion than malice. Being shot at by little pink things (mostly) in metal flying things and then it's children are killed.

 GODZILLA (1998) is a remake of THE BEAST FROM 20,000 FATHOMS (1953) in all but name only.

After atomic testing, fishing boats mysteriously start to disappear and in a pattern that leads toward New York City.

Soon after a giant creature emerges on a Manhattan dock and proceeds to raise havoc and destruction as it wanders the streets.

The creature disappears and the army decides to lure it out by dumping an enormous pile of fish in the middle of the street. The lure works but they fail in their attempt to destroy the creature.

Later on the army is finally successful in killing the beast and it dies in a tangle of collapsing infrastructure.

Now, as an ode to the classic American monster movie I'm quite fond of it.

HOWEVER, as an american attempt on the Kaiju genre, let alone Godzilla, it's an abject failure.

 Seems like a good time to mention this is happening in theaters on the 14th. ;)

http://www.rifftrax.com/godzilla

 They showed a brief preview (test run?) during Sharknado live.  Looks fun, but I can't imagine it would be more fun than Sharknado.

 I've only ever been able to endure the entire movie once, so this is the only way to get me to watch it again. ;)

Can't wait to see what they do to the Mayor and his aide, who were thinly veiled caricatures of film critics Siskel and Ebert.

originaltrilogy.com Moderator

Where were you in '77?

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 (Edited)

I was so happy today to find a film that I have been searching for for many many years. Close to 18 years ago, I saw the last hour on T.V., but never knew the name. Every time I would ask people if they knew what it was, they would say "Quest for Fire". That was incredibly frustrating. Well after all this time, someone replied with the film's title to a Google post describing the basic plot as I had remembered it.

Missing Link (1988)

The movie is set in Africa roughly one million years ago, at a time when one species of "man-apes" was being displaced by the ancestors of modern humans.

After experiencing a hallucination brought on by ingesting a hallucinogenic plant (possibly a reference to the stoned ape theory), he realizes the stone ax that he has been carrying after finding it at the site where his tribe was killed is a weapon. When he comes across a human footprint at the ocean shore, he sniffs it and then starts hitting it, wanting revenge against the humans.

Missing Link is an unusual film in that it blends elements of drama, documentary, and avant-garde cinema. There is no dialogue, though there is narration (by Michael Gambon). There is also very little action. Instead, the film is filled with extended, picturesque sequences reminiscent of the style often used in nature documentaries. Perhaps due to its unconventionality, the movie was not a commercial success.

This film remains out of print, and hard to find. A very poor copy is on YouTube. It's mistitled as "Missing Link - 2013 Full Movie HD". It's not from 2013, and it most certainly is not presented in HD. Worth checking out if you are a fellow psychedelic warrior. 

8 Magic Mushrooms out of 10

“First feel fear, then get angry. Then go with your life into the fight.” - Bill Mollison

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 (Edited)

You should have asked me. I've known about that flick since college. ;)

If it had a theatrical release, I'd be surprised though. Rick Baker's makeup work was superb. I actually came across it being broadcast on a Spanish channel a year or two back.

IIRC, it was made by people better known for making nature documentaries, hence all the animal footage.

There was a Laserdisc released in Japan, but I've never come across a copy.

originaltrilogy.com Moderator

Where were you in '77?

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FanFiltration said:

This film remains out of print, and hard to find. A very poor copy is on YouTube. It's mistitled as "Missing Link - 2013 Full Movie HD". It's not from 2013, and it most certainly is not presented in HD.

When you find YouTube links like these, half the time they're

A. Bogus videos with nothing in them except links to other movie sites.

B. Completely different movies that have been deliberately misidentified for whatever stupid reason (Possibly to inflate the posters' weak egos by increasing the number of views their channels have received.). 

Divergent Universes
Dreams of a Randy Git-Fiend

Make Off Topic great again.