Here are my pretentious reviews, originally intended for imdb. As it turns out I was too pretentious to even sign up there.
King of Monsters... EAT SOMEONE DAMMIT!
Awww... Godzilla doesn't wanna hurt anyone... he's so sweet. What a load of bollocks. This movie is okay, but I expect any giant lizard that takes up the mantle of Godzilla to be a frickin' badass. Godzilla is an allegorical monster that represents the evils of nuclear destruction... or so I'm told. Where is the wanton destruction, the atomic fire breathing, the picking up of trains and devouring of passengers within? Where is the terror? This dude just wants to eat fish and run away. The majority of destruction comes from the dumb-ass military that destroy their own city trying to shoot the creature; even Godzilla's rampage at the end is only in retaliation for the death of his offspring, giving the audience no reason to cheer for the death of this pathetic giant iguana. Worth watching if only for the reasonable CGI and the scene where Jean Reno pretends to be an American soldier. 5/10
The Birds (1963)
Suspense you say?
I like to pretend that Melanie gets away unseen after pranking Mitch in return for their initial meeting and has a good laugh about it back in Frisco, knowing she will run into him again - a delightful first act for an unfinished comedy. The rest of it has less suspense than just about any thriller I have ever seen. Disjointed sequences work to disorient the viewer but there is no dramatic progression that builds tension save the brief restaurant scene which is fairly ham-fisted. The only suspense in the cigarette smoking scene is "When will this horrible song end?" and the relationship between Melanie and Lydia is obviously supposed to involve tension but is never adequately explored or given spark. Reviewers saying that the movie holds up today are either squinting from behind rose-coloured glasses or have their film student hats on too tight. 5/10
The most affective movie ever made.
The movie responsible for a pervading world-wide attitude to sharks that continues to this day. The horror of this movie is in the knowledge that for the most part, it is possible. Unlike Hitchcock's The Birds which is a fantastical idea, humans are attacked by great white sharks, which can grow to (within 6 feet or less) the size of Jaws' 25 foot monster. Expertly cut, with arguably the most identifiable and terror-inducing score ever conceived, Jaws is must-see. I have wondered if shark experts and conservationists Ron and Valerie Taylor would still have agreed to shoot the real shark footage had they known the resounding effect the movie would have on society's perceptions, and the number of great whites and other sharks that would be destroyed as a result for years to come. 9/10
Arachnophobia is the best of its ilk. Although basically a formulaic creature feature, it is as much a tongue-in-cheek comedy and family romp suitable for most kids that are comfortable with Jurassic Park. It is not a horror movie that will traumatise you unless you have a serious fear of spiders. The movie injects some sense of reality by using spiders of ordinary size, which actually helps add to the fun. The cast is unremarkable, save the highlight of the film; John Goodman's exterminator, who at one point sounds suspiciously like he would rather be hunting gophers. Arachnophobia is definitely not to be taken seriously as a scary movie and it is not intended to be. It is however, an enjoyable and satisfying diversion. 7/10