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GO JETS!!!!
Petition signer # 34,865
Jokes thread : Reloaded — Page 5
GO JETS!!!!
Petition signer # 34,865
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"I'VE GROWN TIRED OF ASKING, SO THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME..."
The Mangler Bros. Psycho Dayv Armchaireviews Notes on Suicide
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The nominees for 2004 are in!!
Yes, these are (apparently) all true. They are finally out again. It's an annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by removing themselves from it in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it. And the nominees this year in reverse order are:
7. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk.
Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down killing both him and his sister.
6. A 34 year old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2"tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place.
The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.
5. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed.
They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
4. A 22 year old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70 foot railroad trestle.
Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement.
Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground"
Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."
3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as ball.
The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalised.
2. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched.
Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion.
The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.
AND THE WINNER.....
1.Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course.
Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link.
Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.
GO JETS!!!!
Petition signer # 34,865
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"I'VE GROWN TIRED OF ASKING, SO THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME..."
The Mangler Bros. Psycho Dayv Armchaireviews Notes on Suicide
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Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: I'm a nice man.
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"I'VE GROWN TIRED OF ASKING, SO THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME..."
The Mangler Bros. Psycho Dayv Armchaireviews Notes on Suicide
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GO JETS!!!!
Petition signer # 34,865
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"I'VE GROWN TIRED OF ASKING, SO THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME..."
The Mangler Bros. Psycho Dayv Armchaireviews Notes on Suicide
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Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: I'm a nice man.
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"All too easy..."
D.V.
***
Once upon a time there was a body builder (no, this joke has nothing to do with governor of CA) who liked to have natural & deep skin tan - no tanning beds, no creams etc., only sunbathing. His major problem was that his Mr.Happy was still very pale... so he went to a wild beach, hoping there won't be any trespassers, laid down on the sand and covered himself with it, leaving only Mr.Sausage outside. The time passed, hot sand made him fall asleep.
It happened that two elderly ladies were taking a walk on the beach. They spotted a "mushroom" sticking out of the sand and came closer to inspect it. When standing next to "it", one of them touched it with her cane and said, with sadness in her voice:
- Look, Bertha. When I was 20, I was very curious of it. When I was 30, I liked it a lot. When I was 40, I even asked for it. When I was 50, I started to pay for it... When I was 60, I was praying to get it... When I turned 70, I forgot about it.
And now, when I'm over 80, those things grow wild everywhere, but my poor, old, aching bones won't let me squat...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
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"I'VE GROWN TIRED OF ASKING, SO THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME..."
The Mangler Bros. Psycho Dayv Armchaireviews Notes on Suicide
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hehe
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aint it the truth?
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"I'VE GROWN TIRED OF ASKING, SO THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME..."
The Mangler Bros. Psycho Dayv Armchaireviews Notes on Suicide
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Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: I'm a nice man.
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"I'VE GROWN TIRED OF ASKING, SO THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME..."
The Mangler Bros. Psycho Dayv Armchaireviews Notes on Suicide
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Puppy Shot Man Trying To Kill
2004 Reader Submission
Pending Acceptance
A man who was trying to shoot seven puppies was shot himself when one of the dogs made the .38-caliber revolver discharge, deputies said. Jerry Allen Bradford, 37, of Pensacola, was charged with felony animal cruelty, the Escambia County Sheriff's Office said Wednesday. Bradford was being treated at an undisclosed hospital for the gunshot wound to his wrist, said sheriff's Sgt. Ted Roy. Bradford said he decided to shoot the 3-month-old puppies in the head because he couldn't find another home for the shepherd-mix dogs, according to the sheriff's office. On Monday, he was holding two puppies, one in his arms and another in his left hand, when the dog in his hand wiggled and put its paw on the trigger, making the gun discharge, the sheriff's report said. The revolver and a rifle were seized from the home, deputies said. Deputies found three of the puppies in a shallow grave outside Bradford's home, Roy said. The other four appeared to be in good health and were taken by Escambia County Animal Control, which planned to make them available for adoption. "That should never have to happen," said Bruce Rova, director of the Escambia County Animal Shelter. "There are so many options people have. We'll try to find them a new home."
On a side note: I heard this report on the radio, on the way home from work this morning. It stated that, the people at the shelter had dubbed the puppy that hit the trigger, as "Quick Paw McGraw" :=)
Hehehehehe...
GO JETS!!!!
Petition signer # 34,865
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Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: I'm a nice man.
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Originally posted by: PSYCHO_DAYV
HEY, LUKE !!! ARE YOU IN ONE OF THOSE PICTURES ???
HEY, LUKE !!! ARE YOU IN ONE OF THOSE PICTURES ???
cant say i am...
unless your talkin about the first pic...
im in the top right corner!
hehe
which one did you think was me?
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Ah, a budding young reporter for the New York Times...
[br]I believe the children are our future...
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
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Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com
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What's the bet these pic links won't work, enjoy the red Xes.
"If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it." - Goebbels.
"In times of universal deceit, telling the truth becomes a revolutionary act." - Orwell.
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i love jokes about Canadian's...
you can always guarantee there will be jokes about hockey in it!
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Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: I'm a nice man.
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Luke and Gundark, do you Canadians really have a penchant for Mayonnaise?
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
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Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com
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Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: I'm a nice man.