logo Sign In

Jokes thread : Reloaded — Page 4

Author
Time
I might have to try some of that stuff. I usually let the machine pick up for phone calls.


Made for IE Forum's Episode III theme month - May 2005.

Author
Time
Disorder In The Court

These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. Some of these are excellent -- don't miss the last one.
________________________________________
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
_____________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
________________________________________
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
_____________________________________
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've not
forgotten?
_____________________________________
Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that
morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
_____________________________________
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
_____________________________________
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
_____________________________________
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
_____________________________________
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
_____________________________________
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
____________________________________
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
____________________________________
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
____________________________________
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male or a female?
_____________________________________
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
_____________________________________
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
_____________________________________
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
_____________________________________
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
____________________________________
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
____________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
"May the force be with you!"
Author
Time
Mammograms

I know my memory's fading. I actually kept my mammogram appointment. I chose a seat next to a man and his wife in the waiting room. Both the chairs and conversations were so comfortable that before long I'd totally forgotten why I was there and asked the man. "So...what are you here for?" Talk about a showstopper. Dead silence just as "Nurse Ratchet" announced my name in her best baritone voice. I thought, "Great..a name to match the idiot." I rushed past the giggles and hurried after the angel of no mercy. Rounding the corner, I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!" This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right hereee , strip to the waist, thennnn slip on this gown. Everything clearrrr?" I'm thinking,"Belinda...try decaf. This ain't rocket science." Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors. Call me crazy, but I suspect a man invented this machine. It takes a perfectly healthy cup size of 36-B to a size 38-LONG in less than 60 seconds. Also, girls aren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice...it's Spandex. We can be stretched, pulled and twisted over a cold 4-inch piece of square glass and still pop back into shape. With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?" Fine, I answered.I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity when we heard, then felt, zap! Complete darkness. "What?" I yelled. "Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag." Belinda headed for the door. "Excuse me! You're not leaving are you?" I shouted. Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy....the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be righttttt backkkk" Before I could shout "NO" she disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and parts of me dangling from the Jaws of Life. After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbefief, if I knew the power was off. Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible. "Uh, yes...yes we did, thanks." "You bet, take care" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though we'd been standing in the line at the grocery store. Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin and making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said. "Oh I am soooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps of the mammograph machine....
"May the force be with you!"
Author
Time
Two Old Guys

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too, and I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?"

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

To which the first old guy says, "Never mind; let's look for yours."
"May the force be with you!"
Author
Time
This joke sounds better listening to it rather than reading it, but here it goes:


What is the difference between someone who falls from the 20th floor of a building, and someone who falls from the first floor?

20th floor: waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! poof.

1st floor: poof. waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
Author
Time
Anyone watch SNL? Here's some...


Jack Handey Philosophies:


Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.

Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind". Basically, it's made up of two separate words - "mank" and "ind". What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, act like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"

The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

Ambition is like a frog sitting on a Venus Flytrap. The flytrap can bite and bite, but it won't bother the frog because it only has little tiny plant teeth. But some other stuff could happen and it could be like ambition.

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.

When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other.

What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.

We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.

I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.

To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.

Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might if they screamed all the time for no good reason.

Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

If you're ever in a plane getting ready to take off, and you see another plane crash into something, just smile, because hey, there have never been back to back plane crashes.

Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.

If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me. I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called "Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I guess some things never leave you.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."

One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.


My favorite by far is the last one...
I just hate stupid people.

GO JETS!!!!

Petition signer # 34,865
Author
Time
Same thing with males who've had a vasectomy.

Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: I'm a nice man.

Author
Time
I feel bad for my country's gullibility...

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project, he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide."

And for plenty of good reasons, since:


1. It can cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. It is a major component in acid rain
3. It can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. Accidental inhalation can kill you
5. It contributes to erosion
6. It decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. It has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water. The title of his prize winning project was, "How Gullible Are We?" He feels the conclusion is obvious
I just hate stupid people.

GO JETS!!!!

Petition signer # 34,865
Author
Time
Three Women In Mexico

Three women go down to Mexico one night, get drunk, and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair, and is asked if she has any last words. She says, "I am from Grace University, and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent,"

They throw the switch and nothing happens.

They all immediately prostate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words, "I am from the Creighton School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent." They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.

Again, they all immediately prostate themselves; beg for her forgiveness, and release her.

The last one, a blond, is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Texas, and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I'll tell you right now, you ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in."
"May the force be with you!"
Author
Time
cute one ric...
"The ability to speak does not make you intelligent."
Qui-Gon Jinn (R.I.P.)
Author
Time
Nice one JM; I've always had a weak spot for blonde jokes.

Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: I'm a nice man.

Author
Time
LMAO!!


Here's a lame one:

Two pretzels were walking down the street. One of them was assaulted (a salted.)

*Thread goes quiet saddened by ST3K's inability to make them laugh*
I just hate stupid people.

GO JETS!!!!

Petition signer # 34,865
Author
Time
A father's three daughters are all going out on dates the same night. Being somewhat protective, he asks them to have their dates pick them up so he can meet them. They all agree. That night, the girls are upstairs getting ready, and he's on the couch, watching football. Suddenly, there's a knock at the door. He answers it, and it's one of the boyfriends.

"Hi, my name's Joe. I'm here to pick up Flo. Is she ready to go?"

The father thinks that he seems like a nice guy, and calls to Flo. They leave, and he returns to the couch. A short time later, there's another knock at the door.

"Hi, my name's Freddy. I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going to have speghetti. Is she ready?"

Again, he seems like a nice guy.

"Betty, your date's here."

No sooner have they left then there is a third knock.

"Hi, my name's Chuck-"

"FORGET IT!!!"

*SLAM*


Made for IE Forum's Episode III theme month - May 2005.

Author
Time
*Stares @ computer screen, feeling dumb for not understanding the joke*
I just hate stupid people.

GO JETS!!!!

Petition signer # 34,865
Author
Time
Stop being so hard on yourself, ST3K.

Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: I'm a nice man.

Author
Time
Geeze, u could have at least thrown me a bone & told me what it meant Gundark
I just hate stupid people.

GO JETS!!!!

Petition signer # 34,865
Author
Time
OIC. Rhymes never occured to me reading that.

Lol, thanks...lol.
I just hate stupid people.

GO JETS!!!!

Petition signer # 34,865
Author
Time
Want to prove Barney is Satan? It is simple to do, all u need is a basic understanding of a little Latin.

Take the phrase: CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR

Now, in Latin, U's are more properly V's, so chanve them all: CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR

Now, we will extract all the Roman Numerals, and disregard the rest of the letters, you will get this: C V V L D I V

Now, add them together: 100 + 5 + 5 + 50 + 500 + 1 + 5

What is the answer? 666. Thus, Barney the "Cute Purple Dinosaur" is truly Satan on earth
I just hate stupid people.

GO JETS!!!!

Petition signer # 34,865