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Jokes thread : Reloaded — Page 34

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George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal and he noticed an old man in a long white robe, with a long white beard, long white hair and carrying two stone tablets in his arms.
He approached the man and asked, “Aren’t you Moses?”

But the man wouldn’t listen to him and continued walking. George asked him again, “Aren’t you Moses?”

The old man continued ignoring him, even turning his back on little Bush.

George grabs the man’s arm, looks him right in the eye and insists, “Answer me. Aren’t you Moses?”

The man replies, “I’m not saying shit! The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up roaming the desert for 40 years!”
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George W. Bush told Dick Cheney, “I really hate all the stupid jokes people make about me.” Cheney reassured him by saying, “Jokes can’t hurt you. They are just made up by a bunch of stupid people. In fact, most humans are quite stupid. Here, I’ll show you what I mean.”

Cheney goes outside and hails a D.C. cab and says to the driver, “Please take me to 261 M street to see if I’m home, ” said Cheney.

Without a word, the cabbie took them straight to M Street. Cheney then rang the doorbell, came back to the car and said, “Oh, I guess I’m not there! Take us back to where we started, please.”

The cabbie did what he was told without a word. Cheney leaned over and said to Dubya, “You get the idea? People are idiots wherever you go! Don’t worry about their opinions!”

Bush said, “Thanks Dick. I feel a lot better.” Then he winked and whispered, “Hooboy, was he stupid! He picked us up right in front of a phone booth. He should have realized you could have called instead!
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Originally posted by: sean wookie
I'm writing a paper on Terry Schiavo and the right to die so I thought it would be good to open with one of these. Which one should I choose?

What's the difference between Terri Schiavo and a Chia Pet?
Nobody gets upset if you stop watering the Chia.

What's the difference between Terri Schiavo and a cell phone?
When the cell phone is dead you can plug it in again.

How does Terri Schiavo use the bathroom?
Depends.

What's the difference between Terri Schiavo and a broken TV?
FOX News doesn't camp out on your lawn if you unplug the TV.

What is Terri Schiavo's favorite food?
Tube steak.

What is Terri Schiavo's favorite fun activity?
Tubing.

What's the difference between Terri Schiavo and Ted Williams?
Ted Williams is in the frozen section.

What is the worst part about eating a vegetable?
Putting Terri Schiavo's diaper back on!

What is the Florida state vegetable?
Terri Schiavo!

Why isn't Terri Schiavo watching all of her recent news coverage?
Nobody has turned on her tube in 6 days.

What's Terri Schiavo's favorite tv show?
Survivor!!!

Q: Did you hear MTV is making a show about Terri?

A: It’s called Unplugged.

Why do Terri’s parents love her so much?
Because she’s such a good listener.


I know this is old, but I didn't think even you could be this low sean.
F Scale score - 3.3333333333333335

You are disciplined but tolerant; a true American.

Pissing off Rob since August 2007.
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Steven Spielberg was making a high budget documentary feature in 1980s about creation of the world. Special FX ate a lot of the budget, everything was made traditional way, so all those miniature mountains rising and volcanos erupting etc. was one shot show only. To get enough material, three separate camera units were used.

After the magic word "action" the set was alive with tidal waves, ground shaking and volcanos going boom. Spielberg watched this, amazed and smiling, through his trademark glasses. After the action stopped he calls the first cameraman:

-So how did you like it, guys? Amazing stuff, isn't it?
-That would be understatement, Mr. Spielberg! This was a masterpiece! Definitely an Oscar material! But there's one slight problem, sir...
-...what now?
-...well... err... because of all this excitement we forgot to remove the lens cap from the camera and... hello? Sir, are you there?

OK, so Steven is really mad now. He calls the second cameraman:

-OK guys, did you get that scene?
-Yes, Mr. Spielberg...
-...you did remember to remove the lens cap?
-Certainly we did! That's the first thing to do, after all...

OK, everything seems to look better now, thinks Steven

- ...but the problem is that we put the wrong reel on the camera and we only got the first 90 seconds or so... sir?

The really frustrated Spielberg hangs up and calls the third camera unit. This time he is really scared:

- Guys, we had some problems with the other two camera units, how about you, anything wrong?
- Negative, sir! Everything is going smoothly!
- You did remember to remove the lens cap? And to install the reel?
- Sure thing!

Phew! What a relief - thinks Spielberg

- As we said, sir - everything in order! So, when do we start?
I saw the original theatrical release of the Old Trilogy on the big screen and I'm proud of it...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
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An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am on my way to attend a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late.”

The officer then asks, “Really? And just who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The old man replies, “That would be my wife”.

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Why did the bad joke cross the road? Because its punchline was on the other side.

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Two men appear at Heaven’s Gate and St. Peter asks them how they died:

1: So I come home and I saw my wife naked in bed. I knew immediately what was going on. I started searching around until I found a guy hanging from the balcony butt naked. I took a hammer and smashed his fingers. But somehow, he survived the 3 story fall onto solid concrete! So I threw a fridge at him! But, you know, I am not the youngest, and that was hell of a lot of stress, and my heart coudln’t take it.

St. Peter lets him go to heaven

2: I was doing yoga in my apartment, but it was damn hot, so I decided to strip naked. During one move, I tripped and fell out of my window. I catched the balcony under my apartment, but then some crazy asshole came and smashed my fingers with a hammer. I survived the 3 story fall onto solid concrete in the street, but when a fridge landed on me, that was too much.

St. Peter lets him go to heaven.

P: And what about you?

3: Well, I’m just casually sitting in a fridge…

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What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.
 

(I’m sorry - though nobody said the jokes had to be good, or rather… not awful)
 

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Waiting to use the cashpoint earlier, some fella stood on one leg, apparently doing nothing with the buttons, for ages. I asked him what he’s doing, he says he’s just checking his balance…
 

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 (Edited)

^ Ahahahaha

Working on many edits, may take many years to complete…

Also known as Mr. Liquid Jungle.

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 (Edited)

more from the book of bad jokes…
 

I accidentally handed my wife the glue stick instead of the chap stick…

She still isn’t talking to me.

 


 

You can’t lose a homing pigeon.

If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is a pigeon.
 

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A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

‘What was that for?’ the man asked.

The wife replied, 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket.

The man then said ‘When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.’

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied. ‘Your horse phoned’
 

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A woman is sitting at her deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?”.

“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.

The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.

“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.
 


 

Whats Blue and does not weigh very much?

Light Blue
 

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A skeleton walks into a bar, bartender asks what he wants, skeleton says a beer and a mop.

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A grasshopper walks into a bar.

The bartender says “Hey we have a drink named after you!”

The grasshopper says, “Really? You have a drink named Murray?”

TAFKA TheBoost

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😃

 

What do we want? “Anagrams!”, what-ho! Wet,new mend? “Own”

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What does Batman do in the batroom? Dooodooodooodoooodoo.

I’m just a simple man trying to make my way in the universe.