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Qui-Gon Jinn (R.I.P.)
Jokes thread : Reloaded — Page 2
Qui-Gon Jinn (R.I.P.)
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One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.
Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.
Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now.
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THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious
Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer! Isn't it lovely out tonight?
Oh, I just couldn't.
No one wants to hear me sing.
Sorry I'm being such a jackass.
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A prisoner escapes from prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed. He gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous. If he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you".
To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..."
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Stress Management
In case you've had a rough day, here's a stress management technique recommended in all the latest psychological texts. The funny thing is that it really works...
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secret place.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic place called "the world."
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
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A Good Husband
How 'bout this one?! Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free Speaker-function and begins to talk.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat... It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
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GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILE... ESPECIALLY SINCE IT'S A TRUE STORY.
ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.
BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY."
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.
HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY"STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.
MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.
IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.
HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS.
HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.
AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.
"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
TRUE STORY.
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God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. If all is not lost, where is it?
6. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
7. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
8. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
9. It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere!
10. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
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Father O'Malley
Every once in awhile you hear a good CLEAN joke that you feel obligated topass along, and this is one of them.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the US Senate for assistance. The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Senator Daschle. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?" Senator Daschle, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin."
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The New Pastor
The new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.
At one house, it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
So the pastor took out a card, wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back, and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."
Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 begins... "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."
Genesis 3:10 reads... "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."
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Confession
Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman. The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tommy Shaughnessy?" Yes, Father, it is." And who was the woman you were with?" I can't be tellin' you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation." Well, Tommy, I'm sure to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
"Was it Brenda O'Malley?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Patricia Kelly?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Liz Shannon?"
"I'm sorry, but I'll not name her."
"Was it Cathy Morgan?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Fiona McDonald, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're a steadfast lad, Tommy Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But you've sinned, and you must atone. You cannot attend church for three months. Be off with you now."
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend Sean slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?" "Three month's vacation and five good leads," says Tommy.
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Who's Footing The Bill?
A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him questions regarding how he was going to pay for his medical services.
He was asked if he had health insurance. He replied in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."
The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister who is a nun."
The nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."
The patient replied, "Send the bill to my brother-in-law."
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Note On The Door
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
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The Dying Preacher
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behaviour that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said, "Preacher, why did you ask us to come?"
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go."
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The Preacher
There was a preacher whose wife was expecting a baby. The
preacher went to the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much consideration and discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After five or six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's pay.
There was much yelling and bickering about how much the
preacher's additional children were costing the church.
Finally, the preacher got up and spoke to the crowd and said ....
"HAVING CHILDREN IS AN ACT OF GOD!"
In the back of the room, a little old man stood up.
In his frail voice said ....
"SNOW AND RAIN ARE ALSO ACTS OF GOD, BUT WHEN
WE GET TOO MUCH, WE WEAR RUBBERS."
Have A Great Day
Wear Your Rubbers During Acts Of God
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WD-40
There was this couple that was wanting a child. They had prayed and prayed. One night while they were praying the Lord answered them and said that they would have a child but they had to go to their preacher and get him to pray for them. They knew that it was late, but they went to see the preacher that night. They knocked on the door and the preacher opened the door. When they told him that the Lord had said they were going to have a child but that they had to get him to pray for them, The preacher told his wife to go and get the oil so he could annoint them and pray for them. His wife hunted the house over and couldn't find the oil. She finally came back with a can of 3 in 1 oil. She said she was sorry but that's all she could find. The preacher said that the Lord would honor the oil. So he anointed them and prayed for them.
9 months later the preacher received a call telling him to come to the hospital that they were having the baby. The preacher told his wife and then went to the hospital. When he arrived there stood the proud father looking at 3 babies. The preacher said OH NO. The father said "That's OK preacher, just be glad that you didn't annoint us with the WD-40"
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"I'VE GROWN TIRED OF ASKING, SO THIS WILL BE THE LAST TIME..."
The Mangler Bros. Psycho Dayv Armchaireviews Notes on Suicide
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Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on TV there are photos of death and destruction. Why are we still there?
We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes us nothing but trouble. Why are we still there?
Many of our children go there and never come back. Why are we still there?
Their government is unstable, and they have loopy leadership. Why are we still there?
Many of their people are uncivilized. Why are we still there?
The place is subject to natural disasters, which we are supposed to bail them out of. Why are we still there?
There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do not understand. Why are we still there?
Their folkways, foods, and fads are unfathomable to ordinary Americans. Why are we still there?
We can't even secure the borders. Why are we still there?
They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more to rebuild, which we can't afford. Why are we still there?
It is becoming clear...
...WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
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Kevin A
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kapgar.com
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Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: I'm a nice man.
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Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: I'm a nice man.
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***
During the evening hours, somewhere in the Bronx, a lone German tourist was mugged by five thugs. Seeing their baseball bats and brass knuckles ready to strike, the poor man started to scream:
- Nein! Nein...!
...and suddenly four more thugs joined in!
***
An American business advisor was invited to give speech for a big Japanese company in its HQ. He prepared himself for the oratory, confident in his skills that never failed him. But when he was actually performing the speech, he noted to his disappointment that Japanese audience paid little to none attention to his well pointed jokes and wide vocabulary. If fact they were bored - plain and simple. He finished and sat among the Japanese member of the company board, depressed by his cold reception. The next - Japanese - speaker immediately caught the audience's attention and after few short bursts of laughter his oration received loud applause. The American did the same and started clapping his hands, thinking "Hey, this guy must be really good - he deserves it". But suddenly Japanese chairman grabbed his hand saying:
- You can't do that, Artman-san!
- Why? This man must be an excellent speaker...?
- No! He's just translating your speech...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
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***
The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, ’There’s Jennifer, she’s a lawyer,’ or ’That’s Michael, He’s a doctor.’ A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there’s our teacher, She’s dead by now..."
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
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--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
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Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
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Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: I'm a nice man.
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Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: I'm a nice man.
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How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
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She replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah? What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher."
"A what?!?!"
"A rectum stretcher."
"And just what does a rectum stretcher do"
"Well," she said. "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in. Then, slowly but surely, I stretch it until it's about six feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?" the cop asked.
She replied, "I give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge."
Traffic ticket = $95.00
Court costs = $45.00
Look on cop's face = priceless
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
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Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
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And for die-hard LOTR fans:
And now the real winner: a British invention which can convince men than ironing clothes is fun!
warning! nudity! click on ur own responsibility...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
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Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: I'm a nice man.
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