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Jokes thread : Reloaded

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Something to get you started:

Star Wars... RAP?
http://www.localhost.nl/stuff/flash/starwarz-1.swf
http://www.localhost.nl/stuff/flash/starwarz-2.swf
http://www.localhost.nl/stuff/flash/starwarz-3.swf
http://www.localhost.nl/stuff/flash/starwarz-4.swf
http://www.localhost.nl/stuff/flash/starwarz-5.swf
I saw the original theatrical release of the Old Trilogy on the big screen and I'm proud of it...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
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doesnt load on my comp.
"The ability to speak does not make you intelligent."
Qui-Gon Jinn (R.I.P.)
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Aye aye aye. Leave it to RRS to resurrect this thread.
"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia'."
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
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Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com
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did you think that anyone else would?
"The ability to speak does not make you intelligent."
Qui-Gon Jinn (R.I.P.)
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One of the Jedi Masters might have.
"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia'."
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
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Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com
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Better re-post my webpage: Misfit Toys

Dont forget to check out the other pages, and the "big and beautiful Barbie" was taken down for repair, for those interested.
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Finally read through all the pages, SES, and there's some funny stuff there. I still wanna see Big & Beautiful Barbie, though.

Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: I'm a nice man.

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Originally posted by: GundarkHunter
Finally read through all the pages, SES, and there's some funny stuff there. I still wanna see Big & Beautiful Barbie, though.


Truthfully I havent worked on my webpage since last december, and usually only work on it every holiday season. But I'll try to work on the BB Barbie this summer.

Its difficult considering the limited resources I have.
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Understandable. I'm still hunting for a summer job before my last year of law school.

Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: I'm a nice man.

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I've just found this:

Baby name ideas, based on your occupation:

PROFESSION.................................NAME

Lawyer’s daughter.............................Sue

Thief’s son........................................Rob

Lawyer’s son.....................................Will

Doctor’s son......................................Bill

Meteorologist’s daughter.....................Haley

Steam shovel operator’s son................Doug

Hair stylist’s son................................Bob

Homeopathic doctor’s son...................Herb

Justice of the peace’s daughter............Mary

Sound stage technician’s son...............Mike

Hot-dog vendor’s son............................Frank

Gambler’s daughter..............................Bette

Exercise guru’s son..............................Jim

Cattle thief’s son..................................Russell

Painter’s son.......................................Art

Iron worker’s son.................................Rusty

TV show star’s daughter.......................Emmy
.
Movie star’s son...................................Oscar

Barber’s son........................................Harry

Housewife’s son ..................................Dusty

Minister’s daughter ..............................Faith

Day-trader’s daughter ...........................Hope

Televangelist’s daughter .......................Charity

IRS agent’s daughter ............................Monee

Geneticist’s son ...................................Gene

Espresso vendor’s son ...........................Joe

Undertaker’s son ...................................Barry

Beautician’s son ...................................Curly

Gardener’s son ......................................Moe

Florist’s daughter ...................................Rose

Baker’s daughter ...................................Cookie

Manicurist’s son .....................................Hans

Athlete’s son ..........................................Victor

Lumberjack’s son ....................................Glenn

Plumber’s son ........................................John

Accountant’s daughter .............................Ira

Musician’s daughter .................................Melody

Jeweler’s daughter ....................................Opal

Gastroenterologist’s daughter .....................Fanny

Politician’s daughter ...................................Patsy

Butcher’s daughter......................................Patty

Bartender’s daughter...................................Brandy

Moving company exec’s daughter.................Cari

Counterfeiter’s son.......................................Bill

Museum curator’s son...................................Art

Book printer’s daughter..................................Paige

Trout fisher’s daughter...................................Brooke

Kindergarten teacher’s son.............................Skip

Publisher’s daughter.......................................Mag

Woodworker’s daughter...................................Peg

Clothing manufacturer’s daughter.....................Polly Esther

Teacher’s son................................................Mark

Landscaper’s son...........................................Phil

Singer’s twin daughters...................................Harmony & Melody

Highway patrolman’s son................................Chase
I saw the original theatrical release of the Old Trilogy on the big screen and I'm proud of it...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
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quite cute actually...
"The ability to speak does not make you intelligent."
Qui-Gon Jinn (R.I.P.)
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That was amusing, RRS.

Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: I'm a nice man.

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That's pretty good.
"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia'."
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
-------------------------
Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com
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Good list of names.

i noticed this thread is titled Joke Thread Reloaded,so how long before we get the Joke Thread Revolution?
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Originally posted by: Montcalm
how long before we get the Joke Thread Revolution?

After anoter database wipeout sometime in the next year.
I saw the original theatrical release of the Old Trilogy on the big screen and I'm proud of it...
How did I accomplish that (considering my age) is my secret...
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The OT.com Acrhitect (a.k.a. Jay): You have two choices Neo. The door to your left leads to the database wipeout. The door to your right... leads to the database wipeout too, uh, there's not much of a choice sorry... Oh but that little door right over there leads to the starwars.com virtual store, where you can buy the SE DVDs anytime!

Hey I'm just kidding. You will succeed, the OT shall be released.
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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Originally posted by: ricarleite
Oh but that little door right over there leads to the starwars.com virtual store, where you can buy the SE DVDs anytime!

BLASPHEMER!!!! YOU SHALL BURN IN THE DEPTHS OF OT.COM PURGATORY FOR THAT STATEMENT!!!

"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia'."
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
-------------------------
Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com
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Noooo! Please forgive me! It shall not happen again. Ok it might happen again, but I promise i'll be just one more time... Ok it might happen several times, but please, do forgive me anyway!
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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BURN BRAZILIAN! BURN!

"You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is 'Never get involved in a land war in Asia'."
--Vizzini (Wallace Shawn), The Princess Bride
-------------------------
Kevin A
Webmaster/Primary Cynic
kapgar.typepad.com
kapgar.com
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As my Haitian friends would say, "Would you like to meet my friend, Pere Lebrun?" The Pere Lebrun is a flaming tire necklace, used to make a public example of political dissidents.

Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: I'm a nice man.

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Yes I've heard of that thing being used. Yikes.
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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All of the other jokes are gone? What a shame! Oh well, here's a few.

Computer Skills

If you ever feel stupid in dealing with your computer, READ this found in a recent Wall Street article:

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the Any Key is.

2. SAT technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another SAT customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

5. A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer."

6. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the mouse.

7. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

8. Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and I had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in...." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

9. True story from a Novell NetWare Sysop: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?" Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer. I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it." At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn't stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and had snapped it off the drive.

10. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine.

11. Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen, now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

Now don't you feel better about your skill level?
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How To Bathe A Cat

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids up.
3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape.) The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash" and "rinse", which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

P.S. .....and your toilet bowl comes out bright and sparkling, too! Gets into those "hard-to-reach" places that most conventional toilet bowl brushes miss. And best of all.... IT'S FREE ! ! !
"May the force be with you!"
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Q: When does an Al Quaida boy become a man?
A: When his diaper moves from his ass to his head.

Q: Why did the cop plant cheerios in his garden?
A: He thought they were donut seeds.

Q: What's the three best ways to spread a rumor?
A: Telegraph, telephone, and tell a girl.

Q: What's the best thing to give an 80 year old woman for her Birthday?
A: Mikey! He'll eat anything.

Q. What is sex like in a nursing home?
A. Depends!
"May the force be with you!"
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all but the first one were good. the bath a cat thing that is priceless.
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I don't know if I've mentioned this one before, but I'll go for it?
Q: What do you do if you're lost in the woods with only your laptop or PDA?
A: Start playing solitaire; someone's bound to come out of the woods to tell you what move to make next.



It's funny, because it's true.

Princess Leia: I happen to like nice men.
Han Solo: I'm a nice man.