My teammate for the final project in my filmmaking class just ditched me for a group that was already three without her, leaving me in a group of two with an agreeable but uninteresting partner whose accent and mumble at times makes him hard to understand. And to think I picked her partially for thinking she was reliable. I think I should’ve been more explicit annoyed I was at her when she told me, cuz now I worry it’ll just boil up. But maybe I’m just subconsciously mad because I’d accidentally written myself into a romance with her, which, while not my original intention, rapidly became an object of anticipation. I knew I should’ve let this possibility get to my head. Whatever. I’ll just direct a bunch of theater students and leave it at that. Still, the biggest reason I wanted to work with is that she’s a friend, and I like being around her. Now my project will be less me interact with people and more me directing my tools. And who knows, maybe the teacher will say my script’s unworkable. Maybe we’ll just merge with another group of two we’re friends with. Then again, I clashed a lot with one of them when he directed our last project at an abysmal pace, but he won’t be directing this time. However, merging would likely mean sacrificing my script and directing. I put a lot of time writing and rewriting it, and I love directing and haven’t had the chance to do it in ages. Sigh I guess I’ll just do what I usually do in the face of my life not going great and retreat inwards into my shell and my stories. And to think things were going so well for me. This just really killed my mood, probably because it also caused it. Maybe I’ll bust out the game Florence I bought in case of such situations instead of my usual short films to put behind glass saying “BREAK GLASS IN CASE OF DEPRESSION”. I really hate my life.
UPDATE: Having thought about it some more, it really isn’t the romance getting to me. I just feel like I’m being casually abandoned. I feel like my friendship isn’t valued, and I don’t think she realizes how much that hurt me.
SECOND UPDATE: Feeling much better today. Small things like that can sometimes trigger the emergence of my deeper issues, but I’m fine now. Quite pleased and surprised that it only took one day to feel better.