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FOR THE SINGLE (or widowed or divorced) OTers

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Now, as there was a thread for the married OTers to share their experiences with their loved ones (and yes, I belive even same sex should be included), I thought it would be good to have a thread for the other side, BUT... not limitting the posting for those who are not currently married, since opinions may come from all different sides.

What could be discussed here is, how do you see your life as a single person? Is it by choice, or by lack of oportunity? Do you prefer being single? Or maybe not? Have you been married before, and now has been set apart from your ex companion? What happened?

Also, I'd like to point out that many of the OTers here are underage and not yet in the age where a marriage would be acceptable, although those are still welcome to post and opinion, I'd rather have comments on those who are at the age of serious relationships, and are not married at this present moment.

First, let me start by letting my point of view out. I am single, and currently not dating or seeing anyone. I had a few "selective" relationships, which by one reason or another, didn't work out or didn't progress to the point where they would become more "serious". On the question of marrying, I am still unsure. While I'd be happy to share my life with someone who would make me complete, and that should work both ways too, I am content on being on my own for some reasons. Freedom is one of them, even though this is disputable, as married people do share a sense of freedom with responsibility between then (and I must say, I am not that much promiscuous in which it would make so much of a difference being married or not). There's also the whole budget thing, as I am unable to afford a decent life for a wife and child and yet able to live pretty well by my own standarts. In a shell, I can save money I would spend on other priorities, so I can spend on crap for myself. Yes, that's a bit selfish, but still... Also, I consider myself a bit imature to have a mariage-type relationship - and I mean that by the "emotional" side of being mature, not that I couldn't make a married life work.

So, uh... come on. Share your thoughts.
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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Here you go, Adam. Now stop spamming the other thread.

<span class=“Italics”>MeBeJedi: Sadly, I believe the prequels are beyond repair.
<span class=“Bold”>JediRandy: They’re certainly beyond any repair you’re capable of making.</span></span>

<span class=“Italics”>MeBeJedi: You aren’t one of us.
<span class=“Bold”>Go-Mer-Tonic: I can’t say I find that very disappointing.</span></span>

<span class=“Italics”>JediRandy: I won’t suck as much as a fan edit.</span>

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I'm practically 20, and I have been in a relationship with the same girl for nearly three years now. We became engaged a year ago, but we don't tell anybody about it for fear of disapproving parents finding out or people thinking that it's silly to do so at such a young age. Right now, it's college and money (or lack thereof) keeping us from getting married. Beyond that, I feel that I'm ready for marriage, as naive as that may sound, but I really do believe it. And I really do believe that she is the one. As far as it actually happening... I'm not sure when yet. Once the opportunity presents itself, I suppose. But like JediSage said in the married thread, I really don't feel I'd be missing out on anything if I got married early.

There is no lingerie in space…

C3PX said: Gaffer is like that hot girl in high school that you think you have a chance with even though she is way out of your league because she is sweet and not a stuck up bitch who pretends you don’t exist… then one day you spot her making out with some skinny twerp, only on second glance you realize it is the goth girl who always sits in the back of class; at that moment it dawns on you why she is never seen hanging off the arm of any of the jocks… and you realize, damn, she really is unobtainable after all. Not that that is going to stop you from dreaming… Only in this case, Gaffer is actually a guy.

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"Right now, it's college and money (or lack thereof) keeping us from getting married."

This may not help you, as the situation was unique for us, but my girlfriend at the time (wife, now) and I had been dating for a few years. I had an apartment, but she lived with her parents - otherwise, they wouldn't pay for her college. I was finishing my first year of teaching, and we realized that if we got married before June 30th, she could apply for a school loan under my income (Since I had only been working for a few months for that fiscal year, it appeared on paper as though we were very poor.)

The only real problem was, we came to this conclusion around June 22nd - giving us only a week. Since she had a crappy, hand-me-down import that was on its last leg, we decided that we would try to get married if we could get her a newer or better car (since she would still have to commute to school, and her parents wouldn't help her out with the old car if she were not living at home).

A day later, we got a great deal on a Saturn. The next day, we got an engagement ring and I proposed. We were planning on just getting a civil wedding at City Hall, but her mom insisted on trying to get into a Chapel. We found the "Chapel in the Wildwoods", a cute little church in the local foothills. Small, cute and quaint.

My wife sent in the loan paperwork on June 27th, claiming we were "already married" (had to make the postmark date), and we got married the next day. A month later, we held the reception.

All in all, I'm actually glad we did it this way. There wasn't enough time for anything to go wrong.

<span class=“Italics”>MeBeJedi: Sadly, I believe the prequels are beyond repair.
<span class=“Bold”>JediRandy: They’re certainly beyond any repair you’re capable of making.</span></span>

<span class=“Italics”>MeBeJedi: You aren’t one of us.
<span class=“Bold”>Go-Mer-Tonic: I can’t say I find that very disappointing.</span></span>

<span class=“Italics”>JediRandy: I won’t suck as much as a fan edit.</span>

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Wow. That was a good story. I showed it to her, and she really enjoyed it too.

There is no lingerie in space…

C3PX said: Gaffer is like that hot girl in high school that you think you have a chance with even though she is way out of your league because she is sweet and not a stuck up bitch who pretends you don’t exist… then one day you spot her making out with some skinny twerp, only on second glance you realize it is the goth girl who always sits in the back of class; at that moment it dawns on you why she is never seen hanging off the arm of any of the jocks… and you realize, damn, she really is unobtainable after all. Not that that is going to stop you from dreaming… Only in this case, Gaffer is actually a guy.

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Sometimes marriage can be difficult because it's hard to conciliate a life between the two, and there's always the money issue. I belive in such cases a marriage can happen in a later part of life when things "settle down", if they ever do of course... Of course, having a child changes everything.

I knew someone who told me to never get actually married, legally that is. He said that it would only bring problems later on. Now, by "problems later on", I belive he meant divorce, but still I do agree with him. Is it really necessary to show to the society that you love a person by marrying him or her?
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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Originally posted by: Gaffer Tape
I'm practically 20, and I have been in a relationship with the same girl for nearly three years now. We became engaged a year ago, but we don't tell anybody about it for fear of disapproving parents finding out or people thinking that it's silly to do so at such a young age. Right now, it's college and money (or lack thereof) keeping us from getting married. Beyond that, I feel that I'm ready for marriage, as naive as that may sound, but I really do believe it. And I really do believe that she is the one. As far as it actually happening... I'm not sure when yet. Once the opportunity presents itself, I suppose. But like JediSage said in the married thread, I really don't feel I'd be missing out on anything if I got married early.

OK, I am married, so probably shouldn't be posting here, but I just wanted to offer my 2 cents to Gaffer:
I got married at 23, my wife was 22. She American, I'm English. We had known each other one year. We didn't tell anyone we were getting married, we didn't even really plan it mush. We just did it - We didn't have any money, no solid plans, no guests, no family, nothing. And it was great. Do what you gotta do man, that's my message. It's your life. I get ridicule now and again from people who don't get it or think I'm missing out. To those people I say it is YOU who is missing out.

Fortunately, my parents ended up being totally cool about it and we even ended up living with them for 6 months in London while we got on our feet (jobs, an apartment, etc). Almost 2 years on and it's a steep learning curve and I'm not gonna lie and say it's all making love in the hay and no worries, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

As for waiting till you're 'ready', be it financially or any other way, I don't think you're ver really 'ready', and you can waste a lot of time waiting until you reach this imaginary state of readiness. Having said that, if there are things you want to do/accomplish, you need to make sure your partner understands that and will support you and help you.

OK, I'm done. I will not pollute this thread with my married-ness any more.

War does not make one great.

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Originally posted by: Yoda Is Your Father
OK, I am married, so probably shouldn't be posting here

Originally posted by: ricarleite
BUT... not limitting the posting for those who are not currently married, since opinions may come from all different sides.


Nonsense, you are welcome to post as well. There's no sense in limiting posting for only some people based on what the topic says, everyone should be able to express their minds. If I feel like posting on the married thread might add something to the conversation, I will, so...
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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Personally, I would rather just live with someone than be married. It keeps your freedom alive.
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"Sometimes marriage can be difficult because it's hard to conciliate a life between the two, and there's always the money issue."

Most of our friends spent lots of money on their honeymoons, but we wanted a house. After getting married, we lived in my apartment for a few months, then rented a house from a family friend, and then found the perfect house. This was pretty easy, because we knew we wanted to get married, so we spent several months going out each weekend looking at model homes. Having seen all different floorplans and designs, we knew exactly what we wanted and what we didn't.

We moved into our home on February 14th.

"It keeps your freedom alive."

No, it just means you are unable to commit - though I doubt you have that many choices to begin with. Besides, if anyone here deserves to be committed, it should be you.

"Man is never complete until he's married. Then he's finished!"

<span class=“Italics”>MeBeJedi: Sadly, I believe the prequels are beyond repair.
<span class=“Bold”>JediRandy: They’re certainly beyond any repair you’re capable of making.</span></span>

<span class=“Italics”>MeBeJedi: You aren’t one of us.
<span class=“Bold”>Go-Mer-Tonic: I can’t say I find that very disappointing.</span></span>

<span class=“Italics”>JediRandy: I won’t suck as much as a fan edit.</span>

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Originally posted by: MeBeJedi

No, it just means you are unable to commit


You're damn right I'm unable to commit!
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Originally posted by: MeBeJedi
"Man is never complete until he's married. Then he's finished!"
That sounds like Benjamin Desraeli, but I'm not sure.

Let me throw my 2 cents in on the thread, though.

I'm 25 and single.
More than that, I've never dated. Not for lack of interest, mind you, there seems to always be some woman that attracts my attention. Maybe it was someone that I saw during the day, maybe I was looking at my high school yearbook and remembering people I haven't seen in the 8 years.

No, a big part of my problem is that I am very much reserved. Part of that is my...let's call it a motus operandi...is that I'm an observer, a researcher. I hate to go into any situation unprepared. Along these lines, I feel I must have some common ground with a person before I can really talk to them and get to know them.
Ex. A married coworker has a single friend she wants me to meet. (Well, I'm not sure about it, she keeps talking about it to get me flustered, but she has yet to actually do anything.) Anyways, she keeps saying that sometime when we have the same schedule, she's going to take me and this friend to dinner. I'm dead-set against it because I'm walking into a situation where I don't feel I know enough about the friend to do anything besides eat.
I'll bet I could talk, if I had any idea what to talk about.
Now, if the friend came in to the library and used a computer, I'd feel a lot less pressure. I'd be in my comfort zone at the library. I can observe what she does on the computer, letting me learn something about her. Keep that up for a few days and maybe I'd feel better about things.

I also have a self-instilled professional courtesy prevents me from saying anything to a patron at the library. I'd probably be more comfortable if I ran into one of them at a store. Maybe I'm not in my comfort zone there at the store, but at least I've already got some small relationship (supervisor/patron) with them already.

You know what I am? I think I'm a combination of Stanley Ipkis (main character from The Mask), the 1955 George McFly (Back to the Future...and before he slugged Biff) and postman Cliff Clavin (Cheers).

Do I prefer being single? I'm not sure how to answer that question. I consider myself happy in my life right now, but a lot of my high school friends are already married and having families so I feel like I am missing something from life.
Life is very routine, but that's how I like it. A shake-up from dating or marriage would be a problem for me...at first. Eventually I'd settle into a routine again.
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Now I totally understand you, starkiller. I am also like that, very reserved and all (having asperger's syndrom also contributes). I have never felt the necessity to date lots of women because I don't enjoy socializing with people I don't enjoy. I am very selective on my relationships, and most of those remain as friendships. I love my friends and I have no necessity to have sex with them, and we respect each others freedom and lifes, so...

So I totally understand those who don't actually go out and date and have this kinds of relationships, because that's not the important thing, that dosen't matter. What matters is what you feel right to you. And if by any chance you find someone you really want to have with you, you have the choice to marry that person, or not... You could live with that person and not legally marry.

What I enjoy about being single is the freedom it gives, but not between a husband and wife, but to myself. I can be by myself and isolate if I want to, and not feel guilty about it. Or, I could see whoever I want, and have the kind of relationship I wish. And yet, being married to someone you love is great, because you'll always have that person for you. Being single and being married are like two sides of a coin, like yin-yang... in a way...
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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Originally posted by: ricarleite
Now I totally understand you, starkiller. I am also like that, very reserved and all (having asperger's syndrom also contributes). I have never felt the necessity to date lots of women because I don't enjoy socializing with people I don't enjoy. I am very selective on my relationships, and most of those remain as friendships. I love my friends and I have no necessity to have sex with them, and we respect each others freedom and lifes, so...

So I totally understand those who don't actually go out and date and have this kinds of relationships, because that's not the important thing, that dosen't matter. What matters is what you feel right to you. And if by any chance you find someone you really want to have with you, you have the choice to marry that person, or not... You could live with that person and not legally marry.

What I enjoy about being single is the freedom it gives, but not between a husband and wife, but to myself. I can be by myself and isolate if I want to, and not feel guilty about it. Or, I could see whoever I want, and have the kind of relationship I wish. And yet, being married to someone you love is great, because you'll always have that person for you. Being single and being married are like two sides of a coin, like yin-yang... in a way...


Exactly.
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ohh fun i get to be the girl who posts about her life the girls way!

I'm 21 and single right now, one could say it's by choice. The last guy i dated was an asshole-in-disguise. basically to define that, he came across as a really nice, sensitive, caring guy who seemed to truly be interested in me and not just my body/looks. well turns out after a few months, i got to know the 'real' him. not so nice and caring and sweet anymore. it was a good thing he was outta town by then or i would have made some really big mistakes. the sad thing is i'm not entirely over him even tho i wish i was.

my problem is i fall for the charmers because they say exactly what a girl wants to hear. but at the same time i take a break from these type of guys to date the innocent sweet nerdy guy with the glasses (and yes glasses are my personal fav... think clark kent ) but for some reason, i just can't seem to stay in a healthy relationship with those kind of guys. idealy i'd want to get serious and marry one of them, but there as to be that chemistry between us; i'd say i'm a passionate person and i have to express that.

the thing i absolutely stand against is long distance relationships, just from a previous relationship that totally blew up in my face. basically i've got my shells of protection and only those really lucky guys get a chance to get close to me. i may come across cold and a bitch to them, but its only my defense mechanism against the jerks who wanna get into my pants. thus comes the reason why i developed such an attitude. the problem with me is i'm so upfront and in your face when it comes to flirting... the shy guys are intimidated by me and the total assholes see me as a challenge and someone who will talk back in their face. altho don't get me wrong i love to argue you all know that from my posting.. i like to 'start shit' without a doubt, i'm quick with the comebacks. but i believe sometimes it gets me into a lot of trouble when a guy thinks he's met his match (female wise).

personally if i had my choice i'd be dating Tom Welling, unfortunately he is married.... thats okay i'm a patient person. lol

~* you know you love me... xoxo *~

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Originally posted by: Adamwankenobi
Originally posted by: MeBeJedi

No, it just means you are unable to commit


You're damn right I'm unable to commit!


Legally.
I am fluent in over six million forms of procrastination.
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Well, technically, I am old enough with parental permission. But still, NEVER WOULD I COMMIT!
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I just want to say thanks to MeBe and YIYF for their kinds words and support to my situation. And by all means post here when you feel like it. I'd gladly listen to you guys talk about marriage and the whatlike. After all, you guys have been single before, so you know this territory, whereas I don't really have anything to contribute to the married thread because I haven't yet been married.

I know that I gotta do what I gotta do. To put some more specifics as to why I can't... well, my mother seems to think that if I get married, I'll lose my scholarships. In actuality (although I didn't tell her as I didn't want her to think I was considering getting married), I did talk a person in my school's financial aid office who said that my federal scholarship money would actually increase a bit if I was married. Conversely, though, the loans that my fiancee has require her to be a depedent. And we've talked about just leaving everyone else out of the equation and eloping. But her parents still very much try to control her, and they offer all kinds of financial support to her, so I really don't want to jeopardize that by sneaking around behind their backs. Her dad would probably end up making her a widow if I did that. ^_~ I'm still a bit younger than you two were when you got married, so I still have plenty of time to get things together. And I know a perfect "ready" time will never come. But we'll just see.

There is no lingerie in space…

C3PX said: Gaffer is like that hot girl in high school that you think you have a chance with even though she is way out of your league because she is sweet and not a stuck up bitch who pretends you don’t exist… then one day you spot her making out with some skinny twerp, only on second glance you realize it is the goth girl who always sits in the back of class; at that moment it dawns on you why she is never seen hanging off the arm of any of the jocks… and you realize, damn, she really is unobtainable after all. Not that that is going to stop you from dreaming… Only in this case, Gaffer is actually a guy.

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Originally posted by: ricarleite
What I enjoy about being single is the freedom it gives, but not between a husband and wife, but to myself. I can be by myself and isolate if I want to, and not feel guilty about it. Or, I could see whoever I want, and have the kind of relationship I wish. And yet, being married to someone you love is great, because you'll always have that person for you. Being single and being married are like two sides of a coin, like yin-yang... in a way...

You're totally right Ric, it is 2 sided. I must admit I really miss being able to isolate myself without feeling guilty (or, more precise, being made to feel guilty).

War does not make one great.

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Originally posted by: Gaffer Tape
To put some more specifics as to why I can't... well, my mother seems to think that if I get married, I'll lose my scholarships. In actuality (although I didn't tell her as I didn't want her to think I was considering getting married), I did talk a person in my school's financial aid office who said that my federal scholarship money would actually increase a bit if I was married. Conversely, though, the loans that my fiancee has require her to be a depedent. And we've talked about just leaving everyone else out of the equation and eloping. But her parents still very much try to control her, and they offer all kinds of financial support to her, so I really don't want to jeopardize that by sneaking around behind their backs. Her dad would probably end up making her a widow if I did that. ^_~ I'm still a bit younger than you two were when you got married, so I still have plenty of time to get things together. And I know a perfect "ready" time will never come. But we'll just see.
Yeah, financially marriage can work for and against you. As a married man, I get a few tax breaks, but nothing to write home about. On the filp side, when we first got back to England, I signed onto unemployment to allow me a little financial space to look for a job in animation (my profession), but being married actually meant I was not entitled to any cash because I now had a wife to support me (even though she was new to the country and working in a very low paid retail job). Long story short I was forced to take any job I could, and luckily landed my current government job which is a far from animation but beats digging holes. So I can understand your concerns, Gaffer - it's not as black and white as 'let's run off and get hitched in Vegas'.

You'll figure it out though

War does not make one great.

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I'm 22, single, and looking for love.

I really, really want to get married, but Mr. Right just hasn't shown up yet. I thought that the last man I dated and was in love with was really going to be the one, but he decided he was going to leave me and marry someone else...and not tell me. So, that relationship ended quickly.

But now I'm available again and on the look out for love. I graduate in less than a year and really want kids. I'm ready, I just need to find the one I'm destined to fall in love with. Whom ever he is.
"I am altering the movies. Pray I don't alter them any further." -Darth Lucas
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I'm not sure how much freedom comes into the equation for me. Still living with my parents, I don't have as much freedom as I imagine I'd have if I found myself an apartment.

Guilt over isolation? At the moment, I have to say not a chance.
The computer lab where I work is segregated from the rest of the library...much of the time I only see coworkers when I leave for dinner or if there is a problem with a computer in another part of the library.
When I'm at home, my family knows to let me alone unless its time to eat.

However, past experiences forge future reactions. Perhaps at some point in the future, I won't be able to say that.
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Is it possible any of you married? Some may have been waiting a long time to find out...

I was once…but now I’m not… Further: zyzzogeton

“It wasn’t the flood that destroyed the pantry…”

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Since no one in this thread posts here anymore, we've probably got longer to wait.

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Well, Gaffer Tape dips her his toes into the forums every now and then. Post Praetorian may end up getting lucky and receive a reply.