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Episode II: Shroud of the Dark Side (the TM edit) (Released) — Page 15

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Wow! Top-notch Rebel11_38! Your contribution has already improved SotDS by allowing the crawl to be altered!

TM: I'm glad you decided to combine our ideas. The crawl sets things up so much better now, IMO. One last suggestion, though. You opted to go with "power" instead of "leadership" for Palpatine. I think "leadership" is the better word choice.
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3. I was wondering if you could change the coloring of the crawl to match the more yellowish color of the original trilogy crawls (for more consistency).


If I'm correct, the coloring of the crawl was changed to yellow in the THX remastered editions. In the previous version, the crawl had a more orange color. In the SE, it remained yellow (I think), and was then changed back to orange in the 2004 DVD. Not sure which version you want your crawl to match, though
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Here is a pic of the first paragraph so you can see the spacing.


http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a8/Rebel11_38/4.jpg


As far the last line being justified goes, that happens on a few of the official title crawls. The last line of the first paragraph of the episode II title crawl, the last line of the of the last paragraph of the episode IV title crawl and the last line of the last paragraph of the episode V title crawl are all justified the same as the rest of the paragraph. It seems the rule is when the last line is four or more medium size words big, then it is justified.

I don't care much for the separation of "en route" either, but I can't move "route" up a line, and if I move "en" down, then it creates more of the spacey-ness in the line above it that Trooperman doesn't like.

It's up to him. If he wants me to change it I will.
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In this context, you don't have 'power of' you have 'power over'. 'Power of' is only used with abilities, here it is poor English. Just my grammar pickiness...
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Thanks for your feedback, everyone! Here are my thoughts on the subject:

1. It would be nice if there wasn't the one word hanging over at the end, but if it does, that doesn't concern me as much
2. "En route" probably should be on the same line- is there any way you could cheat (compress the text a tiny bit on that line) in order to fit "en route" on the top line? If not, perhaps see what inserting the word "Padme" in front of "Amidala" would do to improve the spacing, so that you could move "en route" down to the lower line.
3. First paragraph- yes, the last line was justified in the originals if it was this long. But could you change "power of" to "leadership"? If it turns out to excede five lines, perhaps you could remove the word "star" and try to get the spacing good.

Queen Pamde Amidala, now
serving as senator of Naboo, is
en route to Coruscant to vote
on the critical issue of creating
an ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC to
support the overwhelmed Jedi....

How would that formatting work?

Mr. Freeman- thanks for the info! I'm trying to get these to match the "Faces" and "DC" editions.

Wajas- thanks for the grammar note! I should've caught it as I'm picky about that myself.

Thanks again! The crawl looks fantastic!

Episode II: Shroud of the Dark Side

Emperor Jar-Jar
“Back when we made Star Wars, we just couldn’t make Palpatine as evil as we intended. Now, thanks to the miracles of technology, it is finally possible. Finally, I’ve created the movies that I originally imagined.” -George Lucas on the 2007 Extra Extra Special HD-DVD Edition

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If she's a senator, why call her QUEEN Padme Amidala?
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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I'll see what I can do to incorporate the changes you want TM.

Ric - That's a good point. If you're going to call her the "Queen" then it should be preceded by the word "Former."

Former Queen Padme' Amidala,
now serving as senator of Naboo,
is en route to Coruscant to vote
on the critical issue of creating
an ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC to
support the overwhelmed Jedi....
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TM:
I am serious about recording the lines. An audition is probably in order to see the quality of my evil.

The issue is going to be my lack of savvy on how to get the media to you.

I'm too busy this week to even post here. I'll be back next week.

Peace, out!

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Ten years after palpatine assumed power of the galactic senate.

There's something that doesn't sit right about this line. Maybe it's the use of past tense.
Something like 'Ten year's after Palpatine's appointment to supreme chancellor of the galactic senate' sounds much better gramatically, IMHO. Although maybe that's a little long...but does anyone else see what I mean?

War does not make one great.

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If you're going to start the title crawl that way, I feel it woul be better if it went something like this:

"Ten years after Palpatine rose to power in the Galactic Senate,"
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Or "Ten years after Palpatine's rise to power in the galactic senate..."

As to the Queen/former Queen issue-- see upthread. This cut maintains Padme's title as titular Queen of Naboo.

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"Ten years after Palpatine rose to power in the Galactic Senate,"

OR

"Ten years after Palpatine's rise to power in the Galactic Senate,"

Either way will work. but I think "rose" sounds better in context. "Galactic Senate" should be capatalized though, as it was in the official crawl.
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Episode II
SHROUD OF THE DARK SIDE

Ten years after Palpatine gained
power over the Galactic Senate,
unrest once again pervades the
galaxy. Several thousand star
systems intend to secede from
the Republic.


2nd paragraph is fine.

Queen Amidala, now serving as
the senator of Naboo, returns to
Coruscant to vote on the critical
issue of creating an ARMY OF
THE REPUBLIC to support the
overwhelmed Jedi….


I know that formatting will work because I entered in into my own template and checked for spacing. I believe the text addresses all concerns that have been brought up, and believe it is final at this point. Yes, Padme is still a queen and a senator in my edit.

Another option for paragraph one, however, is...

Ten years after Palpatine
assumed leadership of the
Galactic Senate, unrest once
again pervades the galaxy.
Thousands of systems intend to
secede from the Republic.


This isn't my first choice, however, because the spacing isn't as good and I'm not able to get as specific about how many systems are seceding, and also "star systems" clarifies a bit. If everyone hates the 1st paragraph, however, and you do use this paragraph, please don't force justify the last line. But my first choice is the one above.

Case closed I'm still thrilled to pieces that I'm actually getting a custom made crawl for this film.

MTHaslett- I can help you figure out how to get the media to me- that won't be a problem. I would love a sample of your voice ahead of time, though. I will PM you with details sometime in the future.

I might not be able to post for a while (family over), so I hope I've been clear.

Episode II: Shroud of the Dark Side

Emperor Jar-Jar
“Back when we made Star Wars, we just couldn’t make Palpatine as evil as we intended. Now, thanks to the miracles of technology, it is finally possible. Finally, I’ve created the movies that I originally imagined.” -George Lucas on the 2007 Extra Extra Special HD-DVD Edition

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I thought the idea was to incorporate "Queen" into the crawl to establish she was still royalty, and just serves in the Senate now.
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Sorry- I know, that was the whole point of that. It was a mistake- I edited after posting.

Episode II: Shroud of the Dark Side

Emperor Jar-Jar
“Back when we made Star Wars, we just couldn’t make Palpatine as evil as we intended. Now, thanks to the miracles of technology, it is finally possible. Finally, I’ve created the movies that I originally imagined.” -George Lucas on the 2007 Extra Extra Special HD-DVD Edition

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Okay, this post is picture heavy and might take a while to load for dial-up users like myself, but I wanted people to be able to see the differences in what we're talking about here.

I changed my mind and decided that I like "Ten years after Palpatine's rise to power in the Galactic Senate," best since it links what the state of the galaxy was before Palpatine took over and what it's like now better than "rose to power" does.

I am going to state my case as to why certain elements would make a bit more sense or sound better one way or the other. So, here we go.


http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a8/Rebel11_38/assumed1.jpg


Assumed Leadership of


http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a8/Rebel11_38/gained1.jpg


Gained Power Over


http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a8/Rebel11_38/Rose1.jpg


Rose to power


http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a8/Rebel11_38/Rise1.jpg


Rise to power


Like I said before, I think "rise" gives a you a better sense of the what the past was like. I also like it better than "gained power over" since the phrase seems a little weak dramatically. I think "rise to power" has a more sinister tone to it which is fitting when talking about Palpatine. Oh, and "assumed leadership of" is too straight forward; no undertone of evil at all.


http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a8/Rebel11_38/QA1.jpg


This final paragraph is what you asked for.

I think the spacing issue won't be an issue anymore. Whatever elements you decide to go with I should be able to make work.
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Wow, did I actually help someone with my opinion in a SW edit thread?

I'll get this set and show to my grandkids, saying "See? See that FORMER word there? I asked about it and they said it was a good point."
“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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::sniff, sniff::: ric, you're my mentor :::wipes tears away from cheeks:::

Anyone got a kleenex?
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Originally posted by: Rebel11_38
::sniff, sniff::: ric, you're my mentor :::wipes tears away from cheeks:::

Anyone got a kleenex?


“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” — Nazi Reich Marshal Hermann Goering
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Hey Rebel11_38, is there any chance you could re-create the original Attack of the Clones crawl with the starfield up-side down?

I could use that with my own fan edit, I need it to have the camera pan down instead of up.

Thanks in advance if you can!

I know I’ve made some very poor decisions recently.

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All right, then- “Ten years after Palpatine rose to power in the Galactic Senate” I like better because it eliminates the apostrophe, which I’d like to avoid. However, I would like the third paragraph as I originally wrote it- here’s why:

In my future edit of the first film, Amidala is born as a queen and not elected. This is because it seemed ridiculous that the Naboo would elect her the head of the planet at such a young age. With this in mind, if you say “former queen”, then this would mean she is no longer the queen. A born queen would not randomly quit, however; they’re queen for life.

Where does the “Senator” come in? It was going to be a huge pain in the neck making all the cuts and adjustments needed to completely edit out Padme’s “Senator” status. Then, MagnoliaFan suggested that she could be both. Her queen status is more of a title rather than an actual job. Queen Amidala=Queen Elizabeth, while Sio Bibble=Tony Blair, basically. The idea of the crawl was to set up that she was now also serving as a Senator, while not going into a terrible amount of detail about it.

However, the screenshot of the 3rd paragraph was still slightly different from my crawl. “The” is missing in front of “Senator”, which is OK for spacing’s sake. However, would you capitalize “Senator” in this case? I think you’re right but I want to make certain. Also, I’ve decided to change “is en route” to “returns” because it sounds better to me- more active sounding.

If spacing gets messed up in paragraph 3 with these changes, feel free to insert “Padme” in front of “Amidala”. You get the idea. Pretty much any little words I’ve changed to improve spacing can be messed around with. Only please post screenshots afterwards just so I can confirm it.

Sorry I couldn’t use the suggestion, Ric!

But “rose to power” makes perfect sense and sounds good. The reason I was reluctant to go with it was that I wasn’t sure whether I wanted to word Palpatine’s nomination

Episode II: Shroud of the Dark Side

Emperor Jar-Jar
“Back when we made Star Wars, we just couldn’t make Palpatine as evil as we intended. Now, thanks to the miracles of technology, it is finally possible. Finally, I’ve created the movies that I originally imagined.” -George Lucas on the 2007 Extra Extra Special HD-DVD Edition

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Okay, I changed the final paragraph to what you asked for TM.


http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a8/Rebel11_38/returning.jpg


I believe "is returning" would be the correct way to say it in this context. Someone correct me if I'm wrong, but saying "Queen Amidala, now serving as Senator of Naboo, returns to Coruscant to vote..." doesn't sound right. I can change it if you don't like it TM.


This is what it looks like with "returns:"


http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a8/Rebel11_38/returns2.jpg


Whether or not Senator should be capatalized depends on what the title means, I guess. I capatalized it because I was making it an important title, akin to her royal title. If a queen is going to become a senator, I don't think she is just going to be a "senator," she is going to be THE "Senator." So, when you read it in the crawl, calling her a senator is almost the same as calling her the queen. It's open to interpretation. Again, I'll do it whatever way you want.


I do have one other suggestion. You may want to drop the word "critical" from the last paragraph. If you drop it and "Padme," then it would look like this:


http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a8/Rebel11_38/nocritical.jpg


A little tighter and more concise. I think it is implied between the final two paragraphs that the issue is important. Not really necessary to say it, but it's up to you.


Hal 9000 - I should be able to help you out. Right now, I am doing this for Trooperman and I may be doing another for klokwerk soon as well. But, depending on what my work schedule is like next week, and when I finish refining my receding Star Wars, I may have time to do it early next week. Let me know exactly what you need.
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http://www.kineticpast.com/starwars/ShroudCrawl.gif

My personal favourite third paragraph variants are these two, they aren't overly wordy, formating isn't too bad and Amidala's name doesn't take up half the screen! Would have liked the uppercase ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC to all be on one line, but it hasn't ended up looking too bad at all. I'm with Trooperman on his ideas about Amidala's roles, it makes it seem like she really wants to make changes in the political system, something her honorary title of 'Queen' didn't really allow. While Rebel11_38's idea about the death of the previous Senator is interesting, I personally think the permanent role of Senator is more important for Amidala's character, showing her deep desire for change. You still don't lose the character's bravery as she still knows she is in danger and is still willing to push the issues.

http://www.kineticpast.com/starwars/thecheatlaserdisc.gif
Ooh, a laserdisc. The Cheat's playin' something on a laserdisc.
Everything is better on a laserdisc. Whatever happened to the laserdisc? Laserdisc!

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I wish I could get the uppercase ARMY OF THE REPUBLIC all on one line, but no amount of formatting is really going to make that look right.

In the last variant I changed the word "returning" to "traveling." If you say returning, the question is from where. Well, you can say she's returning from Naboo...but why would you say returning? Did she recently leave and now she is coming back? Or is Coruscant her home? See, it doesn't make as much sense to say returning or returns. TM did have "en route," and while it conveys the idea, I agree that it is a bit clumsy to use in a title crawl.

I just looked at the official ep. II crawl and it does the same thing with the word "returning;" it isn't given any sort of context. I thought I remembered seeing the official crawl saying something about Padme returning for the first time in ten years, but after I looked at it I realized I was thinking of the Clone War by MagnoliaFan. He was first person to use the word "returning" and have it actually mean something!