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Episode I: A True Knight

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 (Edited)

I'm working on a PT rewrite to replace the Lucas prequels. I tried my best to focus on pre-1999 source material, but there is a character called Lord Maul, so I wasn't able to stick to that 100%. Below is the opening crawl and I should be able to crank out a summary of the first few scenes soon. Let me know how it sounds.

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

STAR WARS EPISODE I: A TRUE KNIGHT

It is a period of total war.

Vengeful Clones, eliminating all opposition, have occupied the peaceful Kingdom of Alderaan, an esteemed ally of the Galactic Republic.

In the ensuing purge, dissident agents managed to escape the planet, intent on rallying the Republic Navy in support of their cause.

With the Clones poised to strike at heart of the Republic, Ambassador Marya Organa and General Obi-Wan Kenobi race to a nearby shipyard, determined to warn their superiors of the horde that threatens galactic peace...

EDIT: Changed "Legate" to "Ambassador".

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Good concept: occupation from the start, Alderaan, Marya.

But I see what you did there. Having Obi Wan and Organa together at the start, is a nice contrast with ANH. But I do hope the story departs from the model in more significant ways.

I would make some stylistic changes to the crawl, most substantively, I wonder at the importance of these dissident agents? It sounds like maybe we should follow their story? But then we're off to two people running over to a nearby shipyard to convey a warning, which is less exciting.

Marya and Kenobi are on Alderaan? Again, I like the concept and think it's starting in a good place, I'm just a bit confused by the sort of outline the crawl is supposed to establish.

I would avoid using "Legate," at least in the title, because we're going to think it's her name. "Princess" worked because it created an impression in the mind that everyone could understand.

I do hope you can post scenes soon.

The blue elephant in the room.

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I too was unsure about using the term Legate in the opening crawl. It's an unfamiliar (but real) word to most viewers, maybe Ambassador might be a better choice? The idea is that Marya is the sister of King Bail Organa, the ruling monarch of Alderaan. She is not in line for the throne, but she does serve in the capacity of a liaison with the Galactic Republic. I very specifically did not want her to be a Republic Senator in this verse because...well, does the United Kingdom have a Senator in the United States Senate?

No, of course not. Nor does the US have a Lord in the UK's House of Lords.

As for the dissident thing, I'll try to brush up the opening crawl to make it more clear the Obi-Wan and Marya are among the dissidents which escaped the planet.

Regarding the poetry parallels, I actually looked up the opening crawl from ANH (I must admit, I do not know it from memory!) and changed the clauses to fit my vision of a Clone invasion of the Core Worlds. Luke's presence was not indicated from the start of the film, and likewise neither will Anakin's. I'm intending for Anakin to appear on-screen at roughly the same minute mark as Luke did, but in the seedy world-city of Nar Shaddaa instead of the warm Lars homestead.

Also, I read of the three-planet pattern in the OT and how that got jumbled up in Episodes II and III of the Lucas prequels, so I'm going to try my absolute BEST to keep the number of worlds visited in each of my prequels to exactly three. In this film I'm intending for the three worlds to be Kuat, then Nar Shaddaa, and finally a return to Clone-occupied Alderaan for the film's climax.

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Frey said:

I too was unsure about using the term Legate in the opening crawl. It's an unfamiliar (but real) word to most viewers, maybe Ambassador might be a better choice?

"Ambassador" probably would be a better choice. It has a flow to it, if you catch my meaning, which makes it an easy word to read. "Legate", on the other hand, is a harder-sounding word; it takes more mental effort for the reader to process it.

“Okay, I’m goin’, takin’ off. See ya… bye….” — Chip Douglas

“This concludes our broadcast day. Click.” — Chip Douglas

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Ambassador works well.

What is your conception of the Galactic Republic? Because I never saw a problem with Senators being from different planets as I saw it as Senators from different American states all going to Washington, DC (and then each state has its governor, and typically its own senate and lower house). So is your current galactic government much looser, more than the UN? And maybe later Palpatine establishes a true galactic government with senators coming from the planets (since it's important that he later abolishes the senate)?

Quite right to not put everything in the crawl. And I also like the three-planet pattern, unless of course the story truly calls for more.

The blue elephant in the room.

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I conceive the Galactic Republic as having an all-encompassing degree of influence in the most of the Core Worlds by the time Episode I: A True Knight takes place...except for Alderaan. Amongst the Core planets, Alderaan is the last holdout of an earlier age, when each world was governed by its own indigenous rulers. It's like the relationship between France and Monaco, with France being the Galactic Republic and Monaco being the Kingdom of Alderaan.

The Mid Rim also contains many Republic-controlled worlds, though some independent pockets persist. The Outer Rim is more or less beyond the reach of the Republic...except for those rare instances when the Core Worlds are rallied into some sort of concentrated military excursion to the galactic frontier. As a result, all sorts of unsavory elements dominate the Outer Rim, from the Hutt Cartel to the dreaded Clones.

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An Action VI-class bulk freighter named Molten Queen carries refugees fleeing the violent suppression campaign on Clone-occupied Alderaan. Among these are the political dissidents General Obi-Wan Kenobi and Ambassador Marya Organa, sister of King Bail Organa, on the Queen's bridge with Bothan merchant pilot Baatu Fey.

A Clone strikecraft maneuvers towards the freighter and attaches itself to the ship's aft cargo bay.

Wend-Haral, a lowly Yarkora member of Fey's crew, stumbles upon a boarding party of Clones while conducting regular freighter oversight duties with his trusty droid companion L5.

L5 is blasted to bits. Wend-Haral barely weaves through a torrent of high-energy bolts emitted by the enemy swarm. Bounding past open blast doors, he reaches a group of merchant guardsmen mobilized to meet the threat, but they are quickly overwhelmed by the Clones. Wend-Haral scurries through access tunnels towards the Queen's bridge, expecting to meet captain Fey.

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On the bridge of the Molten Queen, Ambassador Marya Organa suddenly enters. She queries Captain Baatu Fey on how long it will take the ship to reach Kuat Drive Yards. Fey replies that it will take too long given the fact that Clones have landed a boarding party in the ship's cargo bay. General Obi-Wan Kenobi, who has been closely monitoring the situation next to Fey, insists that he must assist in the effort to repel the boarding party. Marya offers her help in fighting the Clones, but Obi-Wan replies that she must live to present Alderaan's case to the Republic. She is the only one who can ensure her planet's liberation from the Clones. If he does not return in time for the jump to hyperspace, Obi-Wan says, Baatu Fey must vent the atmosphere of the aft section of the Queen into the vacuum.

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It seems interesting, but we have to see how advances. Even for a summary, I think is missing a bit of information about the characters (age, physical description). But good work, we'll see what happens in the next update.

And at what age it develops True Knight?