Episode 1: The Phantom Hour (Completed) — Page 2

So... what's up? Is the work still in progress?

Hey nightstalkerpoet, forgive me for bumping the thread, but is this your edit on fanedit.org? I just noticed it and it had a similar sounding cut list so I was curious to see if it's your work. At first I was sure it was you until I noticed that it was 86 min, not an hour... When it shows up on fanedit.info, I'll give it a try.

nightstalkerpoet

yads

Two different dudes.

What Frink said.

I haven't heard anything on this either here or on FE.org in a while...still on?

If you mean my edit, it's up on FE now.

Er...I meant nightstalkerpoet's edit.

Ah... in that case I've no idea, but I'm curious to see what he'll come up with.

I'd be interested in this, having seen the workprint.

nightstalkerpoet said:

Finally I've gotten around to finishing this edit. (Sorry I didn't keep up on OT as well as I should have, for those of you who wondered about the edit in my absence).

So, reviewers are needed for this edit so I can release it asap!

Anyone interested in watching a 1 hr 7 minute version of TPM, let me know. It's over before you know it, keeping it entertaining without removing any important details or plot points.

A lot of the silence involved with this project is that it was heading in the direction of a joint effort between L8wrtr and I. He, of course, has been busy creating his own amazing edits, and very gradually finally convinced me to give it a shot on my own.

Dude, I would love to see it!

Ok, so I just finished watching The New Version of this Fan-Edit and right away I'll say that this is better than V1. Don't get me wrong, the 1st one was interesting (in a very good way), but this 2nd version has a lot more improvements. Like, there are no midi-chlorians in this edit, for example. That I very much appreciated!

Now, before I start talking about the bad things and suggesting stuff - I want you to know that I really like this edit and I feel like there's a lot of potential here. Ok? Ok!

So...

- In the beginning of the film Nute Gunray (if that's him) assures everyone that "this blockade is perfectly legal". Now, I feel like this part of the sentence is completely unnecessary. It's like telling a police officer that it's safe to come in, that there's no weed in your basement... It just doesn't make any sense. :/

- The line "They must be dead by now. Kill what's left of them". Again - it's unnecessary. Those droids are already taking action. It seems like you can easily remove that scene and cut to the chase.

Also, have you considered perhaps removing the whole droid and blast-door scenario completely? Like, right after the "gas scene" you could just cut to that dude saying "Sir, they went up the ventilation shaft" and then show Obi and Qui-Gon jump into the hangar.  I don't know how well it would work, but it might be worth a try...

- In the scene where they're trying to get past the blockade, R2 pushes Jar-Jar and he says "How rude!". It would be very cool if you could simply mute that motherfucker. He ruins the mood and pacing of the scene.

- @17:47 in the desert, right after they leave the ship to look for parts, Jar-Jar says something like "The sun is doing a murder to missa skin"... I would like to see that line removed. I mean, I have nothing against Jar-Jar being a bit clumsy - it's understandable, since it's not his natural environment - but every time he opens his mouth it's beyond annoying...

- Jar-Jar showing his tongue to Qui-Gon. It's just stupid. Leave the clumsiness, but remove that tongue scene if you can.

- After Qui-Gon makes the deal with Vatto, there's a scene where Obi and Jin talk on the phone and Obi says something like "What if this plan fails?". It would be interesting if you could put that scene before the one where Qui-Gon makes the deal. It would show us that Qui-Gon actually respects Obi-Wan's opinion, that he's not just doing it on his own.

- All that Yoda's "fear leads to this and that" bullshit line should be removed. Anakin gets asked weather he's afraid or not, but instead of letting him go nuts you could just have him stare at Yoda and then insert the "I sense much fear in you" line.

- Every mention of Anakin being "too old" should definitely be removed. Dude's just a child - how younger should he be? Him being dangerous, or his future looking too cloudy should be the main reason why Jedi order is so hesitant.

- NOW THIS! This I think is an important one:

After Qui-Gon asks if "he will be trained then" - Sam Jackson's just chillin' there and answers "No". Then, after a very awkward scene, they all decide to just leave this conversation for later. Now... what the hell, man? Why are they changing their minds like that? And why is everyone on the council such a douche-wad?

The best solution for this, I think, is to just cut to Yoda saying "Young Skywalker's fate will be decided later" right after Qui-Gon asks if "He will be trained then?" It leaves us guessing, it spares an awkward scene and makes the council look better.

- If you remove The Autopilot, it makes Anakin a much stronger character. Like he really knows stuff about space-ships and just wants to help and get in on action, without Autopilot guiding the way.

- Ending.

Well, that was unexpected! XD But, if I may suggest, that scene is not powerful enough. You could try and remove that one and insert Qui-Gon's funeral instead. Cause it's basically the same thing - we find out that Anakin's gonna be a Jedi (Obi even promises him) and on top of that we hear some chatter about Sith starting shit up again. We hear some new information that keeps us intrigued.

And that's it! That's all I got!

I'm sorry if there are some spelling mistakes or if I'm not being very clear - English isn't my 1st language. But I really hope this helps and I'm very much looking forward to your next project.

Good luck!

haraldo23 said:

Like, right after the "gas scene" you could just cut to that dude saying "Sir, they went up the ventilation shaft" 

Dude is a lady who has something wrong with her face.  Show some respect!

:p

An alien, robot-looking Bull-Dyke... George sure broke new grounds with this one...

nightstalkerpoet said:

I did have one question. How does the Podrace flow? it's completely redone and reorganized. I'm guessing it worked alright since you didn't mention it, but I was still curious.

Yeah, I didn't know what to say about that. I usually fast-forward that scene, but here I watched the whole thing. It was weird... I didn't notice anything. It just flew real smoothly.

I mean, really, it's the last scene I would try and nit-pick. It worked great. Kudos to you, man!

I think I'm gonna go back and watch the original version, just to compare...

Oh, and one other thing I wanted to ask:  do you plan on adding some VFX stuff or anything like that? Cause there a lot of fan-editors re-coloring lightsabers and adding all sorts of new stuff to the film. So I was wondering - do you have any plans like that?

Hi nightsalkerpoet, apologies that it took me so long to review this. Anyway, I’ll preface this by saying that I definitely enjoyed this much more than the regular Phantom Menace and you’ve done a wonderful job removing the Gunguns. All the sequences removed weren’t missed at all, and it was a generally enjoyable experience.

Now here’s what I have to suggest, and please do forgive me if I go too far in some places. This is what my advice is, feel free to take it or leave it. I mean absolutely no offense. I took notes while watching this, so I suppose I’ll just list them out in order. Prepare for a lengthly review.

Firstly, I think that Obi-Wans’ line about Yoda telling him to be mindful of the future should be cut since Yoda criticizes Luke for doing the exact same thing in ESB. Secondly, I do agree with haraldo23’s suggestions about restructuring the sequence onboard the Trade Federation ship. Cut out the “Is that legal line?” It seems odd, as does the ill-fated captain who says “Shields up,” as I doubt that even shields would protect you at that range. It could work to cut straight from the gas filling the room to they’ve gone up the ventilator shaft. It cuts out some goofiness and makes the Jedi look wiser. If you don’t do this, at least cut out the protocol droid coming out first, it diffuses too much necessary tension.

When on Naboo, can you smooth the audio cut after Jar Jar says “More you say?” It sounds a tad bit rough. Also, there’s a sequence oft-used in fanedits that shows Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan at the steps to Theed Palace; this should be instated to get a better sense of the Jedi traveling and not suddenly appearing before the Queen. When in the hangar, the droid’s “Does not compute” stuff can be cut, too slapstick. You can also cut Jar Jar’s “Hello boy-os” and “How rude!” once in the ship, just two annoying lines.

When on Tattooine, as suggested by haraldo, cut out the murderous sun to skin line as it sounds very awkward and just misplaced. Another visible audio cut appears when you skip Jar Jar stepping on the poop. Is there a way to remedy this? During the Watto sequence, I don’t think it would hurt to cut out some of Jar Jar’s antics, for instance: sticking his tongue out at Qui-Gon, instead you could cut directly to the “Angel” conversation. I think it feasible to cut Jar Jar messing with the droid you hit on the nose as well as him juggling stuff. You could cut straight from Padme’s “This is a strange place to me” to Qui-Gon and Watto talking.

By the way, I liked the captions when Watto, Anakin, and Jabba talk. They look decent and I prefer them over the font used in DVD’s subtitle tracks. It was during the desert sequences that I noticed most the pink tint that plagues the original DVD; would you consider just a minor color correction to lessen pinkness? It’s always noticeable in most fan edits, with two exceptions that I know of. When Anakin brings the group home, I think the transition there looks out of place, almost like an uber-quick fade to black; maybe a wipe like in most Star Wars movies would be better. Also, you could cut some off Jar Jar’s dinner/tongue antics through focusing on Padme more after Shmi says “The republic doesn’t exist out here.” There’s also a hard cut (video and audio) between Qui-Gon having a feeling and the Pod Race; however, I must say, you did skip a lot of scenes, but nothing from them was missed. J

Overall, the Pod Race was excellent. Jabba acts more like a ruler like the Gangster Hutts are supposed to be, and it worked better that way. You might want to add some music to the first two laps of the race, perhaps something from the original trilogy. It always seemed far too quiet to me, a fault of the original movie. You may want to cut out the line “Skywalker’s been forced onto the service ramp,” as it is obvious. Also, Sebulba’s “poo-doo” isn’t really needed.

I know I’m suggesting a lot of cuts to Jar Jar, but if you only take one suggestion to altering him, take this one please: cut out his “Did he crash-ed line?” This, in my opinion, is very insensitive and kills any sympathy the audience may have for Jar Jar. It stuck out to me in the original movie as well. Furthermore, he even says it in front of Anakin’s very worried mother; he just comes across as a mean fellow with this line.

I must say kudos on cutting Maul’s arrival scene; it is a cut that I really enjoyed, which I didn’t expect to. It makes as know only what the protagonists know and this works well; however, for this to take full effect I think you should cut out the scene where the probe droid reports back to him and replace it with the deleted scene of Qui-Gon slicing the droid following him and Anakin. This would give a mystery to the owner of the droid and momentarily increases suspense. Perhaps the Trade Federation has found them and will stop their ship from leaving. Maybe Sidious himself has come to kill them all. It also explains why Anakin and Qui-Gon are running to the ship.

On Coruscant, everything was superb. By cutting out Padme’s scenes except the vital Senate one, you’ve affirmed our main characters of the Jedi and Anakin. Also, it takes out Palpatine’s obvious manipulation. In Coruscant, there are two rough audio cuts: one from showing Palpatine on the landing platform to Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan at the Jedi Temple and the other at the end of the Senate sequence. I think that cutting out the “Too old” stuff about Anakin would be prudent, as he seems to be only a child still so it doesn’t make much sense.

Completely leaving Jar Jar on Coruscant was an idea I loved in your first version and that I love now. However, to suggest some time passing between events, I think Star Wars-esque wipes between Qui-Gon telling Anakin to watch him on Coruscant and after the ship lands on Naboo would work well. They would seem more natural that way. As suggested by haraldo, cutting out autopilot would be good, making Anakin a willful and more likeable character.

The final thing I must commend you on is the climax. In the original TPM, the audience was split 4 ways during the end, now with the GunGuns gone, it’s a tighter climax that lets the audience get more involved. This was a fantastic improvement, though if I may be so bold, can I suggest a slight restructuring of the climax, which I personally believe would make things absolutely perfect. I think you should remove Qui-Gon and Darth Maul getting caught in the force field and instead continue the battle so only Obi-Wan gets caught in the field. Then cut to Padme and company getting captured only after Qui-Gon dies and Obi-Wan shouts no. After Padme is captured, you can cut to Anakin being in the Trade Federation hangar bay with the droids ominously approaching and everything overheated. All of this allows it to appear that everything is going to hell and all the characters are utterly screwed. However, after showing Anakin, you can cut to Padme gaining the upper hand and taking the Viceroy captive. Also, replacing her “We will discuss a new treaty” with a new line somewhat like “I am Queen Amidala” would explain in one sentence that “the handmaiden” is the real Queen, resolving the issue of the revelation scene being cut. You can then cut to Anakin blowing up the Trade Federation ship, so Obi-Wan fighting and defeating Maul can be the last thing to get resolved (as one continuous sequence).

All right, so that’s really all I have to say and apologies for the lengthliness. I did enjoy this edit quite a bit and this is just advice. For one of your first fanedits, this is an amazing work nightstalkerpoet. If you do take any of my advice though, please take the last piece about the climax, as I really do think it would work very well. I can even make a rough video if need be to better illustrate what I’m talking about.

EDIT: FYI, this is a huge improvement over V1, and much more technically enjoable.

Hi could I have a link? This sounds good

J

nightstalkerpoet said:

I was curious though, how people would feel about the battle simply being moved to right after QuiGon and Obiwan hook up with Jar Jar. I could cut Jar Jar from the battle and make it look like the Gungans lose.

Interesting. Personally I think that would probably be the best place for the battle but I am neutral as to whether or not it should be included. If it is included, Jar Jar could appear as somewhat of a deserter and the Trade Federation would appear more vicious.

Out of curiosity, what did you think of my reorganized climax idea?

That's good. I'm eager to see the final version of your edit.