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Dom's (Possibly) Useful TROS Edit (WIP) — Page 14

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DominicCobb said:

Personally I don’t like the idea of name dropping Mustafar in the crawl, it has like a minute of screen time and is done with. The crawl should be setting up things for the movie as a whole. Plus it might be confusing considering it doesn’t look like Mustafar.

The reason Mustafar is a hellish volcanic planet is due to the effects of a powerful artefact. Supposedly able to bring back the dead, the power of the artefact transformed mustafar into how we see it in Revenge of the Sith/Rogue One. Some time before the Battle of Yavin the artefact is destroyed and the planet is then able to heal. This is why it has changed when we see it again 30+ years later.

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Hey Dom, really great stuff so far. I’m definitely keeping an eye on this edit.

Regarding the opening crawl: I totally agree with the need for some sort of hope as reference to Luke at the end of TLJ, and in fact I would prefer a more direct reference (“Inspired by the sacrifice/final act of Luke Skywalker, …”). Either way, however, do you think a new title crawl that references the hope of the galaxy would fit with the rooftop Zorri/Poe scene where Poe claims that the galaxy is still too scared to fight after the battle of Crait?

Also, a potentially odd suggestion after watching the movie again last night… I think D-0 might be improved if he didn’t speak in complete first-person sentences. Examples:

Poe: What, coneface?
D-0: I am D-0.
Poe: Sorry, “D-0.”

becomes

Poe: What, coneface?
D-0: D-0
Poe: Sorry, D-0

or

D-0: I miss her.
Finn: I miss her too.

becomes

D-0: Miss her.
Finn: I miss her too.

I think this would fit better with his general character; he’s timid, stuttering, old and unmaintained, and the least anthropomorphic droid in the cast, so it’s odd to me that he speaks like a person while R2 and BB-8 cannot.

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Good idea.

Well done. I will disengage self-destruct initiative.

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I kind of like D0’s current speech patterns. I interpret as him having a number of canned sentences he can say, kind of like when you’re talking to a bot on the phone.

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Ever since I found out JJ voiced D-O I can’t unhear it. Tempting to just dub him with beeps.

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Audience: Please, D-O, tell me how I should feel about the ending?

D-O: “Happy”

Audience: WOOOO THIS WAS AMAZING I LOVE YOU JJ ABRAMS!

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Please don’t touch D-O or Babu Frik. They are my children.

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RogueLeader said:

Audience: Please, D-O, tell me how I should feel about the ending?

D-O: “Happy”

Audience: WOOOO THIS WAS AMAZING I LOVE YOU JJ ABRAMS!

It’s literally JJ telling us to be happy.

I’m kinda torn about D-O. On the one hand, I actually do quite like that he doesn’t just make beeps and bloops, they’ve sort of switched it up. On the other hand, some of his lines bother me. Him saying “Sad” in particular after 3PO’s farewell kinda ruins the moment, not even just because it’s a joke but because it doesn’t really give it the chance to breathe. But I’m having some trouble removing it. And once I leave that in, I feel like I might as well leave in “happy” too (but maybe not).

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 (Edited)

I think if you could take happy/sad out, I would. It’s just incredibly lazy. It’s just as bad as having a human character literally saying they’re happy and sad. They have this incredible puppet that they could emote their emotions in an interesting way. It’s just a crutch.

I think the rest of his dialogue is fine, like “No thank you.” At least that’s has some semblance of subtext.

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Replace it with “melancholy” and “exuberant.”

Well done. I will disengage self-destruct initiative.

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 (Edited)

DominicCobb said:

Personally I don’t like the idea of name dropping Mustafar in the crawl, it has like a minute of screen time and is done with. The crawl should be setting up things for the movie as a whole. Plus it might be confusing considering it doesn’t look like Mustafar.

I know you’re not convinced you should just start with Kylo jumping into Exogol’s orbit but the above is a pretty decent argument for just excising the Mustafar Minute entirely.

Meanwhile, Supreme Leader KYLO REN searches for the unknown regions of space for the remains a rumored Imperial fleet, anxious to gain a foothold that could end the cycle of war once and for all. . . .

how about:

Meanwhile, Supreme Leader KYLO REN, eager to end the RESISTANCE once and for all, is searching the unknown regions of space for a rumored Imperial fleet that will give him the power he needs to end the war, forever. . . .

The in-progress edits look (and sound) frankly amazing, Dom.

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 (Edited)

Taking a stab at the crawl:

The shadow of the FIRST ORDER has spread across the galaxy. To suffocate the spark of rebellion, all treasonous acts are mercilessly silenced.

As Rey, the last hope of the Jedi, continues her training under General Leia Organa, their fledging RESISTANCE gathers intel to forge a path to freedom.

Meanwhile, Supreme Leader Kylo Ren rages in search of his grandfather’s SITH WAYFINDER, certain it will guide him to the secrets of his former master’s power…

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 (Edited)

I don’t think the Resistance should be referred to as “fledgling” when they’ve been fighting in cold war skirmishes for years, fighting a war proper for a year, and are now about to end said war.

I also still wish Luke’s actions specifically could get a reference at the beginning, again, assuming that can be rectified with later dialog. It’s just baffling to me that TLJ ends with Luke’s heroism becoming inspirational legend that spreads to oppressed worlds, TROS ends with the people of those worlds uniting to save the day, and yet TROS makes no direct connection between the two events, as if the same allies who wouldn’t answer the call at Crait were just waiting specifically for Lando smooth-talk them over.

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Here are my general thoughts on the crawl.

Of course I want to continue the thread set up last film of Luke inspiring the galaxy. This is where the “spark of hope” messaging comes in. Anyone who has seen TLJ will know what that’s referring to, and it makes sense separate from that, on its own, as well. My issue with directly mentioning Luke Skywalker is he isn’t really a part of this movie. So it feels wrong to mention him here as if he’s being set up for a big role, when we’re really just recapping (which the crawls don’t do). I wouldn’t necessarily mind just using the name “Skywalker” rather than “Luke Skywalker,” as then it’s less about the specific person. Like including the phrase “the legend of Skywalker” could work.

I also personally don’t really see the space for Rey in this crawl, at least I don’t believe I’ve seen anyone come up with anything about her that I feel is necessary. Saying ‘Leia is training Rey’ just seems kinda redundant to me since we learn that in their first scene. Now maybe if you combined it with the Skywalker stuff - “Rey works to continue the legend of Skywalker” - something like that it could work, although there it kinda gives away the whole thing in regard to Rey Skywalker.

Regarding the First Order, I like the “silenced communication” angle from DOTF but considering it’s not part of the plot of this film in anyway I don’t think it’s really proper to include (the Resistance never overcomes it). What I included in the crawl I just posted, about “plots to raze any systems threatening rebellion” is an intriguing idea to me. I know some people hate the Death Star cannons on the star destroyers, but I’m keeping them, and I think this might be a nice way to tie that in, like the FO is looking for that technology, which also ties in with why they’re looking for the fleet if that is to be included in the crawl as well.

With the Resistance, saying they’re “gathering intel” is accurate set up for what we get, but personally I see an opportunity here to stretch the boundaries of what’s depicted. If you say in the crawl that the Resistance is working to unite the rebelling worlds instead of just gather intel, then hopefully the people uniting in the climax isn’t so much out of left field (we know they’ve been working hard on it). When we see the Falcon gang on their mission, I’d like to think in this case the implication is that they’ve been out and busy recruiting allies, and suddenly get a heads up about a message for Leia.

Now finally Kylo Ren. I’ve already mentioned why I’m not crazy about the Mustafar name drop. The real question here is what he’s looking for. I like the mysterious “source of his master’s dark power,” although I wonder if that is almost too big a question mark. Especially for an opening like this, it could be easy to confuse, which is why I’m starting to lean towards “Imperial fleet,” which gives a tangible and easily understandable goal, and when we see the fleet on Exegol we can make the connection. I don’t like any reference to him looking for something Sith related. He says in the last film he wants the Sith to end. This is probably the one thing I like about the original crawl that it makes sure we know Kylo Ren wants to destroy Palpatine. Finally the phrase that I want to include that no one else seems to want to is Kylo Ren wanting to “end the cycle of war once and for all.” To me, this is kind of a useful statement for a few reasons. TFA and TLJ especially bring up this idea about the cycle of war, and we don’t really get any follow up here. In my mind it’s the best I can do to set this up as the climactic chapter, like this is what’s on the line. Or, at least, that’s what it’s about for Kylo. I think Kylo’s motivation is an important thing to consider. Since this is the film where he finds redemption, we should see the reason in his motivations, even while he’s bad. He’s not megalomaniacal, he’s just trying to end the cycle of war - as he explained in TLJ.

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 (Edited)

I actually do like the mention of Kylo wanting to end the cycle of war.

I agree with your overall mindset about the crawl, too. Sometimes when I write crawls, I try to map out the cause and effect in order for the paragraphs to flow well together. It also helps makes the stakes clearer.

This isn’t written as a crawl, but this is kind of an outline I think could work well.

Paragraph 1: Because the legend of Skywalker has sparked hope across the galaxy, the First Order resources are spreading thin from quelling countless rebellions.

Paragraph 2: Because the First Order is vulnerable, the Resistance races to unite these scattered freedom fighters in order to turn the tide of the war to their favor.

Paragraph 3: Because Kylo Ren is desperate for a solution to this problem, he chases whispers of a lost Imperial fleet that can help him end the cycle of war once and for all.

It’s similar to the crawl you posted recently (I actually looked back at it after I wrote this because I forgot exactly what it said). The difference with Paragraph 1 is that explicitly mentions the effect of the events of the Last Jedi directly inspired these rebellions. It also makes the state of the First Order clearer: Their resources are being exhausted from quelling uprisings.

Because of this, Leia wants to seize this opportunity to tilt the scales by uniting these disparate factions together.

Because the Resistance is growing, Kylo is looking to counter their growing numbers with a brand new (old) fleet. I like the phrase “chasing whispers” because it could refer to literal rumors, or whispers in his head.

What I like about making these opposite goals clear is that I think it better sets up the final battle between a fleet of united worlds versus a fleet of old imperial warships. It makes the final battle feel inevitable, in a way.

EDIT: Sorry if I’m being redundant! If you feel like I’m going in the right direction I could try writing an actual crawl based off your most recent one.

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Dom, thanks for your thoughts behind crawls. This is helping me reshape mine for the better.

heil palpatine.

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Yes, good insights!

I like the idea of silencing communication because it can tie into Poe’s feeling of being alone without help, and the FO’s strategy of making them feel they’re alone.

Well done. I will disengage self-destruct initiative.

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Finally the phrase that I want to include that no one else seems to want to is Kylo Ren wanting to “end the cycle of war once and for all.”

Yeah, I rewrote it the way I did there because it’s basically putting key characterization advancement in the crawl, and whether or not I disagree with that particular shading (and I kind of do - at that point in the movie and in your edit, he’s not trying to “end war,” he’s trying to rule unchallenged from his dictator position, and squash all potential enemies) I think it’s kind of a not-great shortcut to his eventual redemption at the end of the movie that gives away the game way too early.

To me, including that sentence isn’t shedding light on his arc, it’s shortcutting it. It’s kind of unfairly altruistic to describe his actions as “ending the cycle of war” at that point, especially if the only reason its being included is to dramatically shorten the jump from “Starts as bad guy, dies as good guy.” For the redemption to carry as much weight as possible, he needs to be bad for the first half of the movie, and read as such the most strongly in the beginning, so his arc actually has an arc to travel. The insinuation that he’s going to turn is made super-clear as it is in the movie already, dedicating crawl-space (ha!) to further hitting that idea feels a little overkill.

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 (Edited)

Hal I really like your spark of hope imagery from Poe’s words in TLJ. Using this and also being more cognizant of what a crawl is supposed to accomplish, I updated my draft crawl, as long as you’re ok with others using some of your ideas.

All who dared to speak the name Luke Skywalker are now silent, slaughtered by the merciless KNIGHTS OF REN. Yet across the galaxy the spark of hope still lives on.

Supreme Leader Kylo Ren has grown more reckless and unstable. The sudden evacuation of First Order troops from Han Solo’s home world of CORELLIA has spiraled the planet into civil war.

Meanwhile, General Leia Organa senses a sinister presence lurking in the UNKNOWN REGIONS. Many Ovissian spies have died trying to uncover this threat…

heil palpatine.

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krausfadr said:
Many Ovissian spies have died trying to uncover this threat…

Maybe a little too on the nose?

Peace is a lie
There is only passion…

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krausfadr said:

Hal I really like your spark of hope imagery from Poe’s words in TLJ. Using this and also being more cognizant of what a crawl is supposed to accomplish, I updated my draft crawl, as long as you’re ok with others using some of your ideas.

All who dared to speak the name Luke Skywalker are now silent, slaughtered by the merciless KNIGHTS OF REN. Yet across the galaxy the spark of hope still lives on.

Supreme Leader Kylo Ren has grown more reckless and unstable. The sudden evacuation of First Order troops from Han Solo’s home world of CORELLIA has spiraled the planet into civil war.

Meanwhile, General Leia Organa senses a sinister presence lurking in the UNKNOWN REGIONS. Many Ovissian spies have died trying to uncover this threat…

What the heck is an Ovissian? If you were trying to reference that memetic line from ROTJ, I don’t think it works.

Besides that, decent crawl idea, especially for your edit.

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 (Edited)

Boolio is an Ovissian. I added it for reasons specific to my edit that I won’t clog up Dom’s thread with.

EDIT: thanks for the feedback maybe it is better removed.

heil palpatine.

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Of course I don’t mind using anything of mine.

Well done. I will disengage self-destruct initiative.