Cookie MOnsters favorite jokes! — Page 11

HotRod said:

What do the French call The Hunger Games?

 

 

Battle Royale with Cheese

I miss Cookie MOnster.

Well, I think this will appeal to the OP, as it's a good clean Mormon joke.

President Thomas S. MOnson (leader of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) was returning to Salt Lake City after speaking in a local congregation in Boise, Idaho.  Sitting in the back of his limousine, he became quite bored, and thus decided to make a request of his chauffeur.

"Pull over, Jimmy.  I'd like to have a turn at the wheel.  You hop in the back."

In no time at all, Pres. MOnson was cruising down the Utah state highway at 67 mph, but he felt the urge to go just a bit faster.  He depresses the gas peddle and takes the limo up to 90...100...117 mph!!!...that is, until he noticed the flashing police lights behind him and hears the megaphone voice shouting at him to pull over.

On the side of the road, Officer Murray got out of his police cruiser and slowly, confidently approaches the arrogant driver of this fancy vehicle.  He'd show him a thing or two.  But when Pres. MOnson lowered the automatic window, the officer halted in complete shock, did an about face, and returned to his cruiser to get on the radio.

"Chief, this is Murray.  I have a bit of a problem.  I pulled over this limo going down the highway at close to 120 miles per hour, but I don't think I can write out a ticket."

The chief's voice comes back.  "Why, what's the problem?" he asks in a voice filled with static.

"Well, there's somebody extremely important in this vehicle," replied Murray timidly.

"What do you mean?  Is it Utah Governor Herbert?" queried the chief.

Murray stammered, "N-n-no.  Somebody far more important than that."

"Is it President Obama???" asked the chief, getting nervous himself.

"I'm afraid not, sir.  It's someone far more important than that."

The chief was both terrified and confused.  "Who've you pulled over?  Who could possible be so important???"

Murray took a deep gulp and began to explain.  "Well sir, the windows are tinted and I couldn't see in the back...but President Thomas S. MOnson is his chauffeur!"

tl;dl

tw;ss

Did you hear about the guy who got beaten with a prawn cocktail?

That was just for starters...

^Yeah, after that it was a Black Forest gateau, a fruit trifle, a baked Alaska, a tiramisu, a creme brulee, and several profiteroles... just desserts IMHO.

Q :What were God's first words to humanity?

A:

Old school ot.com meme for the win.

And how do you know this?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To serve as the punchline for this lame joke.

I don't think so.

Chickens are naturally rather curious so maybe there was something novel on the other side of the road.

It's impossible to tell for sure, the chicken and the road were not adequately documented and very few people on this planet speak chicken.

Rope walks into a bar.  Bartended says, "Hey!  Didn't you read the sign?  No ropes allowed!  Get outta here!"

With a huff, the rope storms out, frays both of his ends, and ties himself in a knot.  Then he marches right back into the bar.

"Hey!  Ain't you that rope that was just in here a minute ago?!"

"Nope.  I'm a frayed knot."

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, ‘Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.’ The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, ‘You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.’
She rolled her eyes and said, ‘You must be a Republican.’ ‘I am,’ replied the man. ‘How did you know?’ ‘Well,’ answered the balloonist, ‘everything you told me is technically correct , but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.’
The man smiled and responded, ‘You must be a Democrat.’ ‘I am,’ replied the balloonist. ‘How did you know?’ ‘Well,’ said the man, ‘you don’t know where you are or where you are going. You’ve risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You’re in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it’s my fault.’

Kinda lame, but I heard it this morning, and it's fitting for the season.

Tyrphanax said:

*groan*

Exactly the point of this threat.

lol this thread.