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CWBorne’s Prequel Treatment Omnibus Thread (Current Work: Revisions & Edits) — Page 5

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A very good update, the big climax of Act III finally ends. The Jedi defeated the clones, at least in this battle and Skywalker kills Crayde.
I look forward to read the epilogue!

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Very good update. Skywalker saves Carima, punching Crayde (showing some of his dark side) and finally throws him over the edge of the building, ending his life. Kenobi and the Jedi defeat the Jedi clones and Phakerem is forced to retreat, ending the invasion/battle of Coruscant.
I really look forward to see the next part.

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Well folks, its been several years, numerous late nights, countless hours of writer’s block, and a ridiculous amount of caffeine, but Episode II finally concludes. To everyone who’s commented and messaged me about the story, you have my infinite thanks for keeping me going on this. Just working on this Episode alone has been fun, hilarious, exciting, infuriating, and even a little weird; and it draws to a close now. I can’t give any kind of definitive time table on when and how Episode III will get going as there’s a bunch of stuff I need to formulate for that, however I hope you’ll all come along for the journey and see all the future updates and revisions that are to come. Once again thank you, and enjoy the end of A Galaxy’s Fury.


On the streets Kenobi attending to various injured Jedi and immediately senses something terribly wrong in the Force, unsure of what’s happened. He directs his attention towards the only source he can think of and looks at Nellith, who stands some distance away, lost in thought. Hints of the earlier rage and new shame are apparent on her face and she can only manage his look briefly before looking away.

Fighting back the pain, Carima watches as Nik cuts away the heavy weight and frees her from the debris before tearing off part of his shirt to band the injury on her arm. She wobbly manages to sit up as he finishes, and the two look at each other, seemingly unsure of what to say. Skywalker begins to say he’s sorry before she cuts him in a passionate one armed hug and the two quietly embrace each other as the camera pulls out, revealing them as one of the few unbroken elements the amidst the destruction of the battle.

Inside an emergency transport vessel Phakerem sits blank faced as high ranking Mandalorians and others are in a frenzy around her. As the ship exits the atmosphere she briefly looks at the window viewscreen, watching as Republic forces now taking the planet back. Slowly and silently she removes the mechanical implant on her face, exposing her non-functioning eye injured at the end of the last film. She stares at the implant; countless what if scenarios playing out in her mind as the ship jumps to hyperspace.

Its Bail Organa who watches that and many other ships move off the planet, ordering the fleet to let them go as they need to focus on the neutralizing what’s left of the ground forces. He’s told they’re getting several high coded messages from the capital, including Darelda and with an emotional sigh of relief he relays the word to get her and others on relief ships as soon as possible. A small montage follows as the the three pairs left (Kenobi/Nellith, 81/Darelda, and Anakin/Carima) react to the relief craft appearing to pick them up.

Wipe to the damaged but still intact Republic Senate Building where President Palpatine overlooks the half ruined capital, overflowing with small construction vehicles and medical vessels. While frowning at the devastation, there’s a subtle hint of satisfaction and odd hope in his eyes. His viewing is interrupted by the arrival of Darelda who’s let in by his security. He’s immensely pleased to see her in person again, saying he’d feared something terrible after the initial battle reports.

Organa tells him it was just that and worse, adding that’s why she wants to see him. The senator mentions that they’ve both seen the suffering the war’s brought; from the food lines, refugee relocations, prisoners of war, all the families on endless worlds that have lost someone they care about. He sadly nods and says its an all too common pain in the galaxy and that everyone’s felt it. She calmly counters not quite everyone. He’s intrigued and says to go on.

She explains that they may have turned the tide, but if the Senate remains as blind and indifferent as its been, then they will have won this war for nothing. A fact which Darelda says would dishonor the sacrifices she’s seen. “I watched some of Republic’s greatest guardians get massacred like common animals. I never want to see that again.” At that, Palpatine nods. “Indeed not.” He inquires what she’s proposing. “Maybe the Senate can’t be clean, but I have to believe it can function again… with your help.” She gets a warm smile from the man as he walks in close. “Let’s see what we can do.”

Cut to an old, former Jedi temple on Coruscant where Nellith observes several hundred Jedi gathered. Ben walks up, silently standing next to her. There’s a beat before she speaks first; “It never fully goes away.” He slowly looks at her, understanding what she means; still whispering it out loud to remind himself: “The dark side.” Korusya continues, detailing that that most of the time its just a faint whisper in her ear, a shadow just out of her sight, but that it’s always there and always will be.

Obi-Wan nods, and says she’s managed to control it hundreds of years of her life and that one weak moment doesn’t erase that. Nellith raises an eyebrow and asks if he really thinks that’s all there will be. His confidence doesn’t waver and he tells her he believes in that, even if she doesn’t. This mollifies her somewhat and she shifts the conversation to the clone Jedi, saying the one who got on their ship wasn’t like the others here. Kenobi agrees, suggesting it was likely designed for infiltration.

She reflects on the implication, extrapolating that there’s likely countless other subversive Force clones out there, ones not likely beaten by a simple mind trick. The gravity of the situation weighs on Ben, stating that its going to be difficult to find them and we’ll have to trust in the Force to tell the difference when it counts. To his surprise a bitter laugh escapes Nellith’s lips. “Oh we’ll know Sir Kenobi, but I wonder, will anybody else?” Ben has no immediate answer as she walks off.

Not too far away, Nik and Carima move through open street tunnels on Coruscant. With a frown, she stares at her now part mechanical arm, giving it some test movements as she walks while he attempts to cheer her up. “Hey, at least you kept your hand, not everyone’s that lucky. I actually think it adds to your look.” Nivir is unimpressed. “Please don’t make me regret saving you.” Anakin tells her not to worry as he’s got her something to take her mind off of it. She sarcastically asks if its a mechanical leg to match.

She gets her reply as the two walk over to a large abandoned lot and see small but well made triangle shaped vessel, surprisingly clean given the state of other ships in the area. He casually gestures to it, “Not quite a cargo ship, but I figured you could get some use out if it. She’s happily surprised and deeply impressed. “A T-15 Skyhopper, I didn’t think they still even made this model. This your idea of a thank you, Skywalker?” He shrugs.“I prefer to see it as an engagement present.” She’s outright confused for a moment before she figures out what he means and stares at him dumbfounded.

That’s exactly the look that gets a proud grin on his face. “You said my marriage proposal could use a little work. What do you think of this one?” The disbelief lingers just for a moment before she happily kisses him on the mouth and holds his face in her hands. “You ridiculous, handsome, shorted sighted fool!” He smirks. “You did say handsome right?” She laughs and pecks him on the cheek. He says he has to get to the temple, but will meet her back here. “Provided you don’t take of with this thing before I get back." Its her turn to grin. “I think I’ll manage” Skywalker warmly nods and heads off.

Before he reaches the main hall of the temple, Kenobi meets him in the hallway, face curious. “Well?” Nik confirms that she said yes and Ben is thrilled, giving him congratulations on his upcoming marriage. More serious than he lets on, the older man asks if Anakin’s thinking about the possibility of children. The latter’s eyes go a little wide. “Let’s not go crazy, just yet.” Obi-Wan tells him they don’t want to keep those inside waiting.

On the way there, the younger man’s face falls a bit and starts to talk about how he’s not sure if he deserves this whole ceremony and almost describes how something happened during the mission, but Kenobi softly interrupts and mentions that Nik was right. The Jedi need to be on the front lines and furthermore with the new kind of clones the Coaltion’s resorting to, its up to the likes of them and Nellith to step up and lead. Ben appends that’s what this event’s really about, the Jedi in there need to see an example they can follow, and that’s Anakin.

They’re words that rock the latter to his core and when Obi-Wan if there was anything else about the mission Skywalker wanted to mention, he’s initially quiet before finally replying; “No, you said all that needed to be said." Kenobi blithely slaps his old friend on the back, oblivious to the subtly forced nature of Nik’s reassuring smile.

In the old temple grounds, a diverse group of aliens watch a stoic Anakin on his knees in front of an old and hunched over female Twi’lek. In surprisingly booming voice she announces that it is always an honor to award knighthood to Jedi that have earned the rank, but that they are greatly privileged to grant another high honor to one who has lived up to the sacred ideals they have striven towards for milennia.

She continues, stating that’s why they have gathered here in recognition of his role in freeing and protecting the Republic in the most dire of times. Kenobi looks on, expression full of pride while Nellith watches unsure, sensing something more in the air than just an uplifting celebration. The Twi’lek Jedi continues with her speech, activating her lightsaber and safely knighting Skywalker near his shoulders.

There’s a small internal struggle, but the same quiet determination as before settles on Nik’s face as she finishes. “And so Anakin Skywalker you are now recognized as a Jedi Knight and as spoken in the ancient Jedi tongue awarded the title of Highest Guardian: Darth Vader.”

The End

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A great end to a great episode. The truth is that I’ve been thinking about how you were going to put Anakin the name of Darth Vader, but who would have thought that in your prequels was a Jedi title, you’ve outdone yourself.

I think there is an error in this sentence: “Not too far away, Ben and Carima move through open street tunnels on Coruscant…”, I think it’s Anakin not Ben, because she later talks with Anakin. And if you can, change the title of the topic, instead of putting current progress, put complete, finished or something like that 😉

I know that maybe it’s a bit early to ask this but, what are you going to do now? You will continue with the script of Ep.I as you said to me that you would do? Or you will start thinking the treatment for Ep.III and when its complete you will focus on the scripts?

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Great ending to the Episode, since I found this episode, I had always thought that Anakin would end with a mechanical hand in this episode and not Carima (which is a piece of the arm not the hand), but he will suffer worse injuries in Episode III and who would have thought that the name of Darth Vader would be a Jedi title. Good Work.

One question I’ve had for some time, but I waited until the episode was finished to be sure and ask the question:
The non-appearance of Bracett in this episode, is on purpose or you have forgotted her?

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Good eye on that Ben/Nik error Chromer, I’ve since fixed it.

JHodges, I might end up putting Bracett into Episode II in a minor role; she wasn’t consciously excluded, there just weren’t any scenes where she came to mind in terms of use.

In regards to the future, in all likelihood its going to be either details and revisions to Episode I (which feels more bare bones to me after some of the more descriptive stuff in Episode II) or beginning initial story layout for Episode III. Possibly simultaneous work on both, we’ll see.

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Okay, but answer me this question because I have not been entirely clear to me:
You’re saying that you will do both the script and the treatment at the same time?

Because I had thought that if you were not still clear some things from Episode I to make the script, that you do the script of Episode II which you have it done more recently. By this I mean that if you want to do both the script for Episode II and the treatment for Episode III at the same time, go ahead, but putting more work on the script. An example would be something like this:
script: 70-80% and treatment: 20-30%.

What do you think of the idea?

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I liked the end, for my taste I think missing a scene in which appeared Fordala and company but also good as well. Overall the whole episode is pretty good. From what I’ve seen begin to appreciate the changes mentioned in Anakin: his obsession that orders have to be followed to the letter, that the Republic needs a new model of government and in this latest update, begins to keep his thoughts for himself.

And the big surprise, that the name Darth Vader is a Jedi title. I had some time thinking about how you were going to put it, because the absence of the Sith was more difficult to think of as Anakin was going to get that name. I thought you were going to follow the idea that the topic “How would you re-do the prequels?”, which was that Obi-Wan told Anakin the story of Darth Vader, the first Jedi Knight who fell to the Dark Side, and then he takes that name as a symbol of defiance against Obi-Wan.

In short a very good episode, hopefully soon we can enjoy the first updates of Episode III or some of the two scripts. 😉

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Chromer, I’ll likely be splitting time between fleshing out elements in the Episode I scriptment and developing initial ideas for Episode III. After the the adventure story in Son of the Suns and the war movie in A Galaxy’s Fury, Broken Forces will be part tragedy, part thriller, so it’s gonna take a while to get the broader pieces set in my head, even before I actually start writing it out. Once all three episodes feel fleshed out in their scriptments, I’ll start turning them into screenplays.

Dloomys, I’ll definitely add a scene of Fordala and company being picked up by the rescue ship, and perhaps a dialogue scene with him and someone in the epilogue if it doesn’t break the pace too much. I heavily considered going with the “name of the first fallen Jedi” angle, but ultimately concluded that Anakin would view himself too much as a hero to goi with such a name, even ironically. Him taking a title and gradually corrupting what it stood for ended up feeling so fitting to his character that I felt it was the perfect end image for Episode II.

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Ok thank you very much for answer, I’ve finally know when you will do the scripts, once you finish the last treatment (and revised the previous two) you will do all three scripts. Let’s hope that Episode III takes less to formulate than Episode II and we can enjoy it as soon as possible. 😉

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A very good end, after so long Episode II finally ends. Overall a very good episode, everything fits well, including the surprise of the name Darth Vader. It really you don’t have to include Bracett if you don’t want, because you said you think you’re going to rewrite Episode I or to improve it, you can do that Bracett doesn’t exist or she dies during the first movie.
I look forward to the first update of Episode III: Broken Forces!

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Wow! I would not have thought that in your prequels the name of Darth Vader would be that, good work! Since there is only one episode to finish your big prequels and once they are finished all treatments we can enjoy their scripts. Let’s hope we can soon enjoy the first update of Episode III. 😉

One question, though perhaps too early to ask this, but I have a long time thinking it:
You will deform Palpatine’s face in Episode III, or you will explain that is because the corruption of the Dark Side?

Thanks and keep going you’ll doing an excelent work! 😉

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You have sincerely done an excellent job with this episode (with the previous episode too, of course). Really you relate a lot of things in this episode, especially Anakin’s. The Jedi at last will be more involved in the war, and I guess in Episode III we will hear that of “General Kenobi”.

I’ve read you’re going to rewrite or improve Episode I, those changes will be reflected in your updates of Episode I or we will have to wait for the script to see them?
In the case of changing your updates of Episode I, which I guess it will be the final version of Episode I, would be fine if you inform us when you do the change.

It also would be nice if you inform us about the progress of Episode III, not all obviously only important things. You know, for example, when you finish formulating Episode III and you can start thinking Act I, it is more than anything to not be a year (it’s an example) without knowing anything.

Thanks and we all we’ll be waiting for your Episode III and the scripts!

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Sorry I haven’t given you feedback before, but I’ve been really busy. But now I’ll give feedback for Ep.I and Ep.II:
Before give you feedback, I have to say that you’re really doing a great job, to me, your prequels capture the essence (or almost) of the OT. You have also followed the canon established in the OT (not adapted, as Lucas did), no midiclorians, you’ve kept the mystery of the Force, a better version of the Clone Wars (the clones being the enemies), etc.

And now without further ado my feedback from Ep.I and Ep.II:
Episode I
A great episode. A great start of the saga is told, and better led than the original Ep.I. Everything fits better, Beru being Anakin’s sister solving the connection Skywalker-Lars better than Lucas version, you show Alderaan, which was a big mistake in Lucas’s prequels not showing it (well, at the end of Ep.III only to show Bail, Bail’s wife and Leia), better and more elaborate antagonists than the Neimoidians in Lucas version. Ben is the one who discovers Anakin (not someone else), his relationship with Anakin is best carried, a more believable romance between Anakin and Mother Skywalker (Carima in this case), and a very important thing, the Clone Wars begin at the end of Ep.I, being able to show more of the war in the following episodes (not only the end as in the Ep.III), I must also say that I like more the changes in the version of the script that the treatment (I must say that the story does not change, only some scenes or the same scene but changing some character).

Episode II
For now, the best episode. A great war story is told with a scenario that nobody thought could exist (Coruscant captured by the enemy), the characters have evolved well and have changed (especially Anakin), and the new ones also: Nellith a Jedi master, her parallel with Anakin, especially her fall to the dark side, the reason is very similar to Anakin’s (but Anakin will not be able to backtrack, until Episode VI), Palpatine, although he appears little in this episode, he has a great impact on Anakin. The Jedi clones, and the issue of Darth Vader’s name you have solved very well (a Jedi title that he will corrupting it). I agree with DLoomys, missing a scene with Fordala and I think also with Bail (perhaps together in one scene), as I feel that Bail is also a little off at the end (at least for me), maybe that’s the scene you can add: Bail talking to Fordala, and perhaps offering him a position in the army or something like that.

And one more thing, I agree with DLoomys that is needed a little more physical description: hair style, color eyes, etc (obviously not all the characters). And fact one of my questions is of a similar theme (not the same), I guess in the revisions you do or scripts (or both) you begin to apply a little more physically descriptions to the characters.

Could you answer me these three questions, don’t worry they are simple:

  • What color is Nellith’s lightsaber? Blue, green, purple?

  • The remote station in which the Republic operates in Ep.II, you say that looks subtly to the Death Star, so my question is: is the future Death Star?

  • This perhaps is the question that requires further elaboration. Could you tell me the exact age of these characters (at least in his first appearance): Ben, Anakin, Carima, Darelda, Phakerem, Crayde, Bail, Palpatine?
    If you don’t want, you don’t need to tell me the exact age of all, if you want you can tell me an approximate age, but at least I’m interested to know the exact age of the three main characters (Ben, Anakin, Carima). Nor is it necessary to tell me the exact age of all in each episode, only from his first appearance (all except Palpatine appear in Ep.I and Palpatine appears first in Ep.II), knowing (unless you’ve changed your mind) that in your prequels spend a total of 8 years (Ep.II 4 years after Ep.I, and Ep.III 4 years after Ep.II).

Sorry for the length, but to give my opinion of the two episodes and questions and something else it has become a little long. Keep going you’re doing an excellent work. 😉

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Very much appreciate the feedback S-Snake88. Glad to know that I’m hitting some good checkmarks as far as a solid Star Wars story. To answer your questions:

Nellith’s lightsaber is green. I really dig the idea that Luke’s color becomes an internal callback to a prominent Jedi of the past, and his role in bringing Anakin to the light recalls Nellith finding her way back.

The large scale station is not the Death Star, though in a broad sense the latter clearly drew upon designs and specs from the former. Its less than half the size of the Death Star, with the general concept being that the nature of Republic designs and schematics are already subtly reflecting the future Empire.

Agewise its roughly like this circa episode I:
-Anakin and Carima are in their mid 20’s.
-Kenobi and Darelda in their mid 30s.
-Bail is late 30s with Crayde around 40.
-Phakerem, being both a Mandalorian prone to stitching herself together with various parts (a character trait that’ll expand upon in future revisions of Episode I and II) is fairly long lived, and is at least 200.
-Palpatine is middle aged… seemingly.

On that last point its never overtly said, but there’s hints that Palpatine is a bit older than quite anybody realizes, and he’s possibly been waiting for some time for an opportunity to gain a high position. Near the end of Episode III when all possible opposition against has dissipated, in private his face begins to show signs of being older and decrepit, suggesting that illusions about maintaining a more youthful facade are no longer necessary now that he’s achieved absolute power. Come ESB and ROTJ, we see that he’s wholly embraced what his age and use of the Dark Side has turned him into.