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Another Fan-Fic (My sincerest apologies to starkiller) - SW crossover — Page 2

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I'm actually working on a non-Star Wars sci-fi script. Pretty dark so far. The bad guys have stolen a top-secret project called "Crionite" and modified it to work as a injected drug that contains computer chips and slowly tears the user's brain to shreds, replacing it with computer chips. Everyone starts using it and loves it- society goes to pot.

Cheerful stuff!

Episode II: Shroud of the Dark Side

Emperor Jar-Jar
“Back when we made Star Wars, we just couldn’t make Palpatine as evil as we intended. Now, thanks to the miracles of technology, it is finally possible. Finally, I’ve created the movies that I originally imagined.” -George Lucas on the 2007 Extra Extra Special HD-DVD Edition

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Sounds interesting. I'm sure writing in script format can be dificult. I have my own scifi story/universe, though it is a bit hightly derivative of StarWars.

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I'm writing a series for Sci-Fi short films that are non-SW, called Last Man Dying.

I have the scripts to 3 chapters so far:
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabris, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.

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As soon as I write anything original, y'all ditch the thread. ):

What did you guys think of the Last Man Dying scripts?

The whole thing is about 5 chapters, each one about 10 minutes long.

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabris, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.

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Honestly, that just isn't a genre that interests me. I like my sci-fi like I like my fantasy: big and epic. No offense to your writing abilities, Skyman, just not my cup of tea.

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Can I get some comments please?

A Series of Unfortunate Coincidences, Chapter 2:
With a sudden burst, the lightly defended shield generator control room door was forced open, waiting behind it was a group of Imperial technicians and officers. Few of whom had any combat training beyond what was learned in basic training at the academy. The rebel commandos quickly overpowered the cowering officers, who had just signaled for help.
“Han, hurry! the fleet should be here any moment!” cried Leia in a small lie as she checked one of the control panels to see the status of the attack.
The young technicians, in a fearful awe of the giant Wookie, and his bowcaster rifle pointed at them, stepped back towards the status monitor, showing the status of the deflector shield and any ships that would be in-system.

“Charges! C'mon! C'mon!” Yelled Han Solo, trying to hurry up the raid in an effort to get out as fast as possible

“Freeze!” cried Lieutenant Burtt with his rifle level at the infiltrator. Captain Solo, paying no heed to the warning simply chucked a heavy chunk of explosive at him, knocking his over a railing.. Instantly, Stormtroopers started pouring into the complex, surrounding the strike team, and confiscating their equipment.



As the Millennium Falcon pulled out of hyperspace with the fleet behind her, Lando began to realize something way VERY wrong. As the Falcon descended from Hyperspace, instead of seeing the blue-green moon of Endor with the Death Star orbit it, he saw, nothing. The jump had led them to a point in interstellar space. Immediately, General Calrissian ordered his crew to check their coordinates. The ship told them they were only a few parsec's from where they should have been.


Home One was equally lost, her navigation computers were showing the fleet in uncharted space, at the very least, 3000 years in Hyperspace to get back to the right galaxy, if they could even find it.

“All craft return to Home One.” He ordered, he knew that the attack was gone.

“Admiral! we're only a few parsecs from Endor! we can still made the attack!” Barked Lando over the comms system.

“No general, the attack cannot proceed if it will take 3000 years in Hyperspace to get to the target.”


The words from the Admiral sunk into him immediately, he had lost the fleet, they were now lost in an unknown galaxy. He could not bear to live with that shame, he was not a military commander, he was a smuggler, a “scoundrel,” and now, he had betrayed the entire alliance. He returned to the hangar, let his crew out, they had nothing to do with it. However, he then readied his ship, and took off.

“General, do you mind telling me just WHAT you are doing?” Asked Wedge.

“I'm leaving! I'm not a military man, and I never was! Now break off, I'm leaving before I cause the alliance more harm.” replied Calrissian is defeat.

“Then Godspeed general.”

Calrissian keyed the Hyperdrive to a random vector and shot off, hoping to end up inside of a star, or end up dead.



“You fleet has vanished, and your friends on the ground will soon be dead.”

Luke didn't want to believe it, yet he knew the emperor was right. The fleet was gone. He could only hope for death, and what could bring it the fastest.

“Good, I can feel your anger. I am defenseless, take your Jedi weapon and strike me down with all of your hatred, and your journey towards the dark side will be complete!” Soothed the emperor as he built Luke's anger over the truth.

Luke gave into the emperor's commands and reached through the threads of the force for his lightsaber, and taking the fate of two galaxies in his hands.



President Henderson sat at the conference table. He hated this, it always was boring to him, but he had to bear through it. First up was the Joint Chiefs of Staff. Nothing new to report of Iraq, Afghanistan and Cambodia. Afghanistan and Iraq were the worst, because he was simply handed the worst part of those wars from the administration before him. Cambodia was more current and was a limited campaign of air-strikes against the expansionist regime that had seized power. The European community wouldn't hear of it. But they were too busy in their own affairs, trying to get a constitution passed for the second time, that they were helpless to stop “The Evil American Empire.”



For the second time, his right hand had been severed. The first time had been on cloud city, and now, in front of the Emperor of the galaxy, after furiously and bitterly fighting his father. Ben and Yoda have failed me. They lied to me about my father, the Jedi, everything. Palpatine had decided to tell Luke just how, exactly, he had come to power. Luke didn't want to believe that the Jedi tried to stage a coup on the Republic, how Obi-Wan had left his father for dead on those fiery shores. However, he knew that the Emperor was right. The only way to train their “last lope” was to lie.

“Now do you understand the evils of the Jedi, I did what I had to do, to save the galaxy and bring, peace.” Remarked the aged Emperor. “I feel the torrent of conflict in you, let go of the lies the Jedi have place in you. Come to the dark side, the side of truth, and take your place in my Empire to last a thousand years.”

“I pledge myself, to your teachings, master” swore Luke as he knelt before the Emperor.

“Good. Now, rise” Confirmed Palpatine. “Darth Vengance.”

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabris, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.

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*Beats the thread with an unusually large fish*

This thread must LIVE!

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabris, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.

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Its your thread, only you can keep it alive.
"I don't mind if you don't like my manners. I don't like them myself. They're pretty bad. I grieve over them during the long winter evenings."
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Nicely done, sky. Well written and all. I would have looked it over the other night, but I was half asleep.

One thing: “Then Godspeed general.”

It's the GFFA. They would say, "May the Force be with you."

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Yeah, I spotted that too. God is an earthly concept that is never mentioned in the Star Wars universe.
Plus, in the words of Yoda, war does not make one great. But the president in your story is basically praying for a war so he can reap the glory - sounds like he would be better up joining forces with the Empire than the rebels.
Lando gives in a bit easily doesn't he? There's nothing to suggest the hyperspace mistake was his fault, and he definitely hasn'r 'betrayed' the alliance. Let them down maybe, but not betrayed. By the time of the attack on the death star II Lando has matured and developed. I think Lando would be the only one keeping a cool head and trying to think of a way out of this mess. He's been in tight spots before, this is just one more.
Sorry for the criticism, but I hope it is at least constructive criticism. As for the bits I didn't criticize - Good job.

War does not make one great.

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Lets just say, the rebellion are not the most graceful negotiators. Nor do they understand what restricted airspace means...

I was hoping that it wouldn't be too obvious, but you kinda guessed at it.

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabris, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.

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Oh, so you are saying that the President actuallt ends up fighting the rebellion alongside the Empire?
That is not obvious and I didn't guess it. In fact, I expected that he would join with the rebellion to defeat the Empire. But him joining the dark side (and maybe later redeeming himself and realising that war does not make one great) is much better, IMO.

War does not make one great.

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I am writing a story but I am a bit stumped on a plot point. Basically, an evil spirit opens up a portal between dimensions and manipulates/tricks a race of creatures into attacking mankind. The thing is, later on in the story we find out that these creatures are actually good, smart individuals, in fact they are more mentally and spritually evolved than us, but if that is the case, why would they allow themselves to be tricked into a war? They are basically Yoda-like in their way of thinking, and I can't see Yoda embarking on an attack on a whole civilisation on the advise of another person, even if that person is a powerful and convincing spirit. So does anyone have any ideas? The creatures need to attack, it's a key part of the story, but the reader also needs to retain sympathy for them later on and understand that they are not to blame for their actions. I considered having the spirit possess them and control their bodies during battle, which seemed to solve the problem, but then I thought why doesn't the spirit just possess the humans in the first place instead of possessing the creatures to attack the humans...
Anyway, not sure that made sense, but any ideas are greatly appreciated.
Thanks in Advance
YIYF

War does not make one great.

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I made some revisions to the letters.

And this weekend I will start working on the next set.

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabris, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.

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New Set of letters.

Dear Lily,

I am writing you to let you know that I am safe, and I managed to escape the Death Star. I just can't belive what happened. I was running Hangar Control, launching fighters to counter some Rebel Fighters who had attempted to make a stand. And my vision started to blur, and I was beginning to black out again, like those time you told me where I would pass out and wake up "remembering" things that didn't happen yet. Instead of fainting, I saw the surface of the station, and a single enemy fighter fly down a trench with three TIE fighters in pursuit. A freighter we caught yesterday came out of nowhere, destroyed one, and the other one collided with the remaining fighter, launching it out of the trench. This rebel fighter continued to fly down until it fired a proton torpedo into an unsheilded exhaust port. What I saw next I refused to believe, I saw the station from a distance, as it dimmed in preparation to fire, the Death Star burst into a blaxing cloud of white-hot debris and vapor.

When I finally came to, I was on the floor and surrounded by the other officers. I told them what happened, and their faces turned white. They had just ran simulations on the attack pattern they were using, and it showed the possibility of that very thing happening. Bast told me to prep the hanger for an emergency departure, He had to go warn Tarkin of this threat.

I had the hangar ready for several shuttle departures, when an explosion rocked the hangar. I called for a damage report. A proton torpedo had just impacted the surface of the station, near one of the thermal exhaust vents. Just then I see General Tagge and Cheif Bast sprinting down the hallway to the hangar. The were yelling for everybody to evacuate, and to get to the nearest transport. I was going to stay behind and keep to my post, when I was yanked off, and thrown into the nearest shuttle. Our pilot quickly started the engines, without concern for things like checklists, and we hauled ass out of there. I was looking back, and I saw a fighter hit the surface, and then I realised that the Death Star was clear to fire. I watched as the lights on it dimmed as the power was diverted to the superlaser. And then a bright white light shot out from where it had been, moments later the ship was rocked by an explosion of enourmout magnitude, and where is Death Star had been, was now only an expanding cloud of debris.

We met up with Colenel Veers in another Shuttle, and Lord Vader in his TIE, which miraculously survived the battle. We alerted a distress signal, and were picked up by the Avenger's task group sometime later. Which is where I am now safely stationed.

Has Derek finally come to his senses about the Rebellion? It is still hard for me to stomach the idea that little Hobbie would be foolish enough to betray his family and galaxy to restore some lost, flawed, and outdated Republic. He's really let his foolishness get to him.

I have to cut this letter off so that I may get back to work. We're heading back to Coruscant, and I still need time to get over what all has happened.


Your Brother,
James Klivan.




To whoever finds this note:
I have finally discovered the true nature of this Empire. I had to sit and watch as that sick murdered Tarkin ordered my family dead. I am truly disgusted by what he has done. I hope he, and this damn station are destroyed. You will not find me following another order from Palpatine's damn regime. I can no longer bear to live in a world where pure evil reigns and can kill freely without a second thought. I saw as my home, my planet, my wife, and my Son, were all incinerated in an instant. There is no longer any hope left in the world. I take solace in the fact that I won't have to bear witness to any more atrocities by this tyrant. My only comfort id the vaccuum of space beyond the hangar.

Goodbye.


-Jeb Andor

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabris, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.

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A Series of Unfortunate Coincidences: Chapter 3

Another rude awakening. The Millennium Falcon's proximity alarm had jostled Lando out of his seat where he had fallen asleep. Damn. I forgot to shut that off. Not that it mattered now, he had to find a system in this barren galaxy soon, or he would be dead. The rations on the Falcon were running low, and he was getting desperate. He hoped that wherever the serene blue comfort of hyperspace dropped him, it would allow him to get supplies. The disgraced general checked the scans of the star system below him seemed to show.

Fifth planet. Not that dissimilar to Bespin, have to weaken the gravity and pump some breathable gases to the mining platform, but Tibanna gas could definitely be produced here. A loosely populated asteroid field between it and the forth planet. Another enigma, this planet was a desert similar to Tatooine, yet had a remarkably crimson tone to it. This third planet seemed to be a jewel. Lush in life, and covered with water. This planet and, indeed, system could serve as a nice base of operations for the me.

He tripped a location beacon, gleaming at his newfound luck.




The Imperial detention center was never a place that a rebel would leave. Leia was in equally terrible shape. At one point in the ground battle on the Endor moon, she felt as though part of her had died. It was at that moment that the rebel commando's lost what chance they had of a victory. Their furry allies, the Ewoks, had decided that their golden god was a traitor, and turned on the rebels. This spelled certain doom for them, even more so when the AT-AT walker, with Imperial reinforcements, showed up at the back of the shield bunker, forcing a surrender for the ground troops. The ground battle was, for all intents and purposes, an utter clusterfuck.

“Eat this.” demanded an officer in white armor. Shoving moldy, stale, bread into her face.

“I'm not hungry!” Protested Leia.

“It's all you're going to get.” Retorted the guard. “This is your only chance, now eat.”

“Fine!” snorted Leia as she took the bread from the guard and tried her best to stomach it.

“When you are quite finished, there is a shuttle waiting for you. You are to be taken to see the Emperor.”




“Admiral Ackbar. Can I speak to you?” Asked a lesser captain on Home One's bridge.

“What is it?” Asked the Mon Calamari admiral.

“We have re-established contact with General Calrissian” Remarked the captain. “He says he's found a suitable system in this galaxy to base operations from.”

“Triangulate his position and prepare the fleet for the jump to Hyperspace.”




“Now it's time for me to find a place to land on this rock.” Remarked Lando as he descended the Falcon down to an arid, and slightly radioactive desert basin.

“Attention unidentified aircraft! You are currently flying over restricted airspace. Please adjust your heading to Zero One Niner and contact Albuquerque Center on One Three Two point Eight. Failure to comply will result in the use of lethal force against your craft. This is your only warning.” Barked an unknown voice on the communications array. At first, Calrissian assumed that they were talking to a different aircraft in the vicinity. This incorrect realization was shattered with the impact of a surface to air missile on the Falcon's deflector shield.

“Attention unknown forces!” Barked Lando as he keyed the communicator. “This is Lando Calrissian. I do not mean hostile intentions. I am merely looking for a place to land my ship. Any more attempts to fire upon me will be taken as an aggressive action.”

“We will not take kindly to prankster on a military frequency. You will change course, or be shot down.” It was at this point that another guided missile leaped from the ground and raced towards the Falcon. Lando pulled on the controls and was able to evade the guided missile by turning the falcon around, when he found himself facing a flight of F-16 fighters. Each of them wasted no time and fired an AIM-9 sidewinder missile towards the freighter. Which proceeded to shrug all of the impact on its deflector shield. Lando keyed the auto-turrets and pulled a hard bank to starboard in an attempt to get the enemy fighters to stand down. The auto-turret started firing at one of then, causing it to to instantly burst into a ball of flame. The other five planes pulled hard to avoid the debris.

“Dammit Wedge, if there was any time I needed you, it would be now.” Cried Lando as the Falcon's deflector shield shuddered from the impact of another guided missile.

“Sorry I'm late, General!” Barked a voice over the comms channel. “Didn't think I would just let you leave!” At this moment the Falcon got behind one of the F-16's and fired a concussion missile at it, and the plane was instantly vaporised from the blast.

“Alright Rogues, lets clean up this mess. We don't want any problems for the fleet to have to deal with.” Wedge's statement was met with load cheering over the comm links. The three remaining F-16's followed behind the legendary Rouge Squadron. Each one locking on to one of the A-Wings.

“Wedge! They've locked missiles on me.” Cried an A-Wing pilot. One of the X-Wings pulled back as hard as he could so that he was now directly behind them. But before he could get off a round, the enemy fighters each fired a missile towards the helpless A-Wing. Just enough firepower to knock the weak shields off of the scout fighter. As the pilots prepared a second volley, the X-Wing was able to use its blaster cannons to destroy one of the fighters, before the other two used their AMRAM missiles to disable the A-Wing and send it spiraling down to the desert floor. After that missile salvo, the two remaining F-16's were destroyed by blaster fire and proton torpedoes.

“Rouges, lets close it up. Gold group, bomb the runways and keep them from taking off. Red and green groups, lets take out those missile turrets.” Commanded Wedge, as he made the decision to disable the base to keep this new enemy from attacking again.




“Now, Brit, as of right now, the Henderson administration is refusing to comment on the incident at White Sands, but he HAS called a press conference at the White House which is scheduled to begin in about five minutes. NOW, while we don't have any specifics on the attack, we do believe it was a Pearl Harbor style surprise attack on the range.” Commented the reporter as she spoke to one of the camera's crowded into the White House press room. As she finished her report, President Henderson walked up to the podium in the press room, and delivered his speech.

“Good Evening. This morning, at 6:53 AM mountain time. The Air Force base at White Sands Missile Range was hit by a ruthless surprise attack by an unknown group of fighters. This band, which appears to call itself the 'Rebel Alliance,' flew ships that were that were best described as replica's of the ships from the Star Wars films. After engaging a squadron of F-16 air defense fighters, and repeated warnings to change course, this group fired on US aircraft, and completely decimated the forces stationed there. We are still trying to get exact figures for the number of casualties, but so far it seems like the death toll of military personnel is going to be very high. These ships were then seen retreating to space after this hit-and-run attack on American soil. At 11:38 AM astronomers at Kitt Peak Observatory, and the crew of the International Space Station, reported seeing several large spacecraft appear to materialize traveling at a high rate of speed towards the Earth, it was at that point that they began to rapidly decelerate until they were in a stationary orbit above t

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabris, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.

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I like how this is going, but just a few very small points:

Lando and the gang would not know what an F-16 or AIM-9 is, so as you are describing events from their point of view you should refer to them as 'some kind of fighter using primitive jet technology' or something like that.

How does the white house know that these guys call themselves the rebel alliance? Maybe Lando should introduce himself to the attacking fighters as a member of the rebel alliance.

Last but not least: 'An utter clusterfuck'
I don't think this really fits in with the style of the piece.


War does not make one great.

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A Series of Unfortunate Coincidences, Chapter 4.

Hyperspace is a tricky beast. Plotting a course involves avoiding stars and the empty bits in between, to control ones speed. A ship that goes too fast could easily find itself flung well clear of the galaxy where it can accelerate to insane speeds forever, until it runs out of fuel, or hits something. The latter is precisely what happened to the Rebel fleet when they left Sullust. They decided to pick up speed by using the gravity well of the Maw Cluster, unfortunately, the Millennium Falcon's nava-computer made a very slight error in calculating the course. This error, not seen unless you carried out the coordinates to about three thousand decimal places, was not noticed until the fleet flung through the stupendously large gravity well of the Maw. This was enough to send them clear of the galaxy, where they kept going until they came so close to a black hole in another galaxy, which was conveniently placed there in an area the galaxy's only locals called Cygnus.




The elevator on the monstrous battlestation finally came to a halt on the tower. Out of it walked Leia and her former brother.

“Welcome young, SKYWALKER.” Creaked the old man who was sitting in a rather plain throne.

“What do you want with me you, monster!” Hissed Leia. Surprised at his knowledge of their revelation.

“I have only brought you here to die.” Remarked Palpatine.

“WHAT! You can't possi...” As Leia protested, she saw Luke, no Darth Vengeance, raised out his hands.

“Lord Vengeance. Kill her.”

“As you wish.”




The Republic fleet hung ominously above the planet. They had subjugated the planet below them, and had paralyzed it from sheer fear of retribution, or bombardment from orbit. Which the Republic held with impunity. The pathetic space station that was orbiting the planet had been quickly vaporised. Even if it was armed, the weapons these natives had would barely touch them. They owned this new galaxy. On the bridge of Home One, Admiral Ackbar stood looking over the windows clutching his hands behind his back.

“Admiral! We've had another convoy attacked.” Cried an Aide as he rushed onto the bridge. “This one in the Coruscan sea.” The Republic, as the Rebel Alliance now called themselves, had taken the liberty of naming all the bodies of water. Because they couldn't stoop themselves to use the names assigned by such primitive natives.

“How many casualties?” Replied Ackbar.

“Unknown as of yet, sir. That's the third attack this week” For the Republic, one isolated landmass was becoming increasingly hard to govern. Some terrorist group, who had called itself 'The United States of America' had decided to make things hard for the Republic to institute freedom and democracy there. Even though the Republic owned Space, these 'terrorists' were still very organized, and had managed to keep them mostly out of their country. This was their chance to bring back the old government, before Palpatine's despotic rule.

“Perhaps it's time we shifted our priorities.” Protested Mon Mothma.

“Are you suggesting that we give in to terrorists, I will do no such thing!” Snapped Ackbar, seething with hate that somebody could possibly want to try diplomacy at this hour. “The Death Star IS here. We will find it.”

“Sir, our probe droids have finished transmitting, I think there is something here you may want to see.”

“Put it up.” The rooms holo-emitter showed recon data of the sixth planet. The view then shifted to one of the moons of the enormous ringed planet. Ackbar had been right.



Outside a film studio in Modesto California. Crowds of angry protesters were bitterly angry. Why had their hero's the ones first immortalized as valiant freedom fighters some 33 years ago been subjugating them by force. And these people were going to get answers from the one person who they thought would know the truth. These angry protesters, tired of waiting at the gates to Skywalker ranch. Grabbed rocks and whatever weapons they could and stormed the offices there for blood.



John Tate drove down the I-105 to an old Civil Defense shelter. He knew that he had to take cover, these “Rebels” would retaliate for the convoy attack, and had threatened to Base Delta Zero one of the large cities. He flipped on the radio for information on cover. KFI was amazingly still on the air, and the chattering heads were on.

“Look, if you are in the LA area TAKE COVER NOW! It, it doesn't matter where you are, just get under something!” Yelled the stations afternoon host, full of vitriol and fearful for his life. John pulled off to Century Boulevard and took shelter underneath the LAX runway, as the ground rumbled and shuddered from the hundreds of angry crimson bolts rained down onto Los Angeles. John Tate stood there, huddled under the runway until the shaking stopped.

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabris, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.

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I try to avoid it.

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabris, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.

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>.>
<.<

bump!

comments plzkthx!

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabris, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.

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Comments –

I think your intro to this chapter (about hyperspace) is written a little too casually, too colloquially

How is Luke Leia’s ‘Former’ brother?

Why are the rebel alliance acting like dicks?

War does not make one great.

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Originally posted by: skyman8081
I try to avoid it.


Don't blame you; it's not called the pit of voles for no reason.

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