Well, at the very least you could keep the majority of those subtitles and just change “Ren” with “Hux”. You would still get the idea across that he was a janitor that was promoted to field duty recently. And Hux slapping Finn in TLJ night then seem more personal. It also makes more sense that Hux would have the authority to promote him more so than Kylo. This could at least be your option for now until you think of something else that might fit better.

I think this new music works well too! Might want to get some more input besides me. I liked how the little thump of the strings lines up with the shooting star!

Is it similar to another Star Wars movie scene or another movie entirely?