I have done fairly well this week. Haven’t watched any videos, and only had a small slip-up reading stuff. I had a couple of days when I was riding fairly high. Don’t know where these bipolar endorphin buzzes come from, but sometimes they’re nice. But I haven’t been doing the homework he’s been giving me: exposing myself to smaller levels of stress to build up. I just don’t know I have the strength to do that. I know he won’t be mad, but I am pretty sure he’ll be disappointed. But I just don’t know if
I can right now. I’m really pretty scared to see him tomorrow. The obsessiveness does seem to have temporarily subsided, the anxiety seems to have cooled for a little while, but the depression spikes up and down. I do genuinely understand some of the changes I need to make in my life, and that
Facing the “depression” won’t change that, I have to get some courage. But every small thing seems huge. Sometimes I just get sick of hurting. I’m so fortunate in my life, my feeling like this is selfish and unfair. There are good patches. But I’m so scared to go see him tomorrow and tell him the truth. I don’t think he’ll be pleased. I’m so scared. I don’t know what to do. I’ll go; I’ll see what he says; but if I’m not willing to commit, there really isn’t anything he can do. Those anxious obsessions could spike up at any time for no reason. The depression is still a yo-yo. I don’t know, I still don’t feel like I can sit and relax. I’m scared. And I have to go to work now. And I’ll be honest, I really don’t want to work today. I wish I could just sleep all day.

EDIT: Getting out of bed was hard, but I feel a little better now. These ups and downs are really a roller coaster.